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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I must be completely and totally insane..

^ we never expect these things to happen - it sounds trite but it is true; the human brain is wired to be surprisingly optimistic, and we never actually ever expect someone close to us to die, or for any truly awful to happen. It's the sort of thing that happens to other people, not us, right? Until it does happen to us. That is one of the biggest shocks and hardest things to adjust to - as well as the grief, our whole world has been shaken apart because - wtf, that actually did happen, and it wasn't supposed to, ever, not to us and to people we love.. the shock and anger and complete and utter confusion that accompany grief are often poorly understood but they can be some of the strongest emotions in my experience..

I can't help you with your faith side of things personally unfortunately, but do you have someone you could speak to at a church or as part of a Christian organisation, to try to come to terms with that aspect of things? It might really help.. I very much recommend counselling too, as a way of trying to process these thoughts and try to make sense of it (or accept that there is no sense to be made...)

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time with this - I know how it feels to be so ANGRY with the universe, and yourself, and in your case God... and so completely lost and blindsided by something like this. Your reaction is entirely normal.. but I really would encourage you to speak to someone about all this.

One thing that is very important is to know that this was NOT your fault. The fact that things were not perfect before Aylah died was NOT your fault. I really feel that talking to someone who can help you with the religious side of things could be really what you need right now...

Much <3 and peace to you...
 
From reading this thread i gotta say for HR's sake... Stay away from the hallucigons for a while for a start, like you said its got alot to do with mindset and from what uv written ur not ready hey.
I'd personaly love to go trippin or get ahold of some DMT or alike... But know what will happen if i did @ the moment. Im not ready and neither are you. Maybe just try and keep on ur meds for the next month and see how u are after then... Just for safteys sake
And as for the Datura, I personaly know people who have had this shit and have never been the same again, In fact two of them now live in the streets and are constantly in and out of the psyc ward, not worth it ul b more insane if you delve any deeper atm.
Wishing you all the best in recovering from this situation<3

I also strongly advise you to go to erowid and read the datura experience reports. none of them are pretty, shits poison. Dont do it8o
 
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Dont do it! A guy sold my friend Datura instead of pot, its been 20 years now &
he has never recovered & has not been the same since... He'll be walking down street & he'll start slowly hunching over & his arms will start raising up above his head & he doesnt realise he's doing it... Your mind will not come back after Datura!
 
Maybe that's the reason I want to do it now to think of it.. to get away from the grief, maybe see her again? That is what has intrigued me most about Datura. You can see people who you haven't seen in years, and have actual conversations with them. All I know is that it would probably give me closure if I was able to talk to her one last time in reality, and not in some damn dream, that when I wake up, I realize it wasn't real. That just drives me mad.
 
^ I think you're spot on there with why you want to use it.. but would it give you closure? Would one last time be enough? And you know it wouldn't actually be "real".. maybe there is something else you could do to get closure, write her a letter, do a little ceremony, have a talk with her in your head..

I really think datura would make things a million times worse here.. there are no guarantees you would "see" her, it could be an awful experience and if you are already feeling in a fragile mindset about it, I am concerned that something like datura could really do some psychological damage.. and as you said, you would come round and realise it wasn't real, and that would be very hard.. I know the rare occasions I dream about my boyfriend who died are actually horrendous, waking up after dreaming he was still here only to realise that he isn't.. it's like finding out all over again, and it always sets me back a little.

Feel free to pm me if you want to chat about this, I lost my boyfriend 5 months ago so I understand some of what you are feeling...

<3
 
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datura certainly isn't the answer. The hallucinations are usually just manifestations of your fears. There are also terrible side effects. I can understand using psychedelics therapeutically but datura is not therapeutic, you would probably end up seeing stuff that you absolutely did not want to see. I could name a few psychs that are more powerful visually but with psychedelics you are best to deal with your underlying issues and then trip rather than the other way around.

i've had experience with people dying at unfortunate times and in unfortunate ways. There's no explanation that is suitable and it seems that life is malicious in the way it plays with your emotions but that's the nature of the beast. It's completely unfair and very difficult to deal with but don't blame yourself for not fixing things first, life is so short that I am sure if there's an afterlife or whatever that the person/entity/spirit would forgive you for anything that happened during their lives.
 
Let's see, last night I took 300mg of tramadol, 4 mgs of xanax, and I drank a 5th of vodka. It's not looking like it's going to turn out well for me. I'm in that "I don't care if I live or die" mind set again. We actually had a tornado warning in my area that other day. Normally it scares me.. but that day, I was hoping it would come my way, and just destroy everything.. while it was lightening really bad I just stood outside out in the open not caring. My roommate kept telling me to come in, but I wouldn't listen. Guilt is a mother fucker. I don't.. know.. how.. to.. deal.. with.. it. I could talk to a billion therapist, but these feelings I buried so deep for so long that now they are overwhelming me. My thoughts are constantly on her. Why did I hurt her. Why couldn't I do things differently. Wherever she is at, that's where I want to be too. It's inevitable. I'm going to end up like all those mother fuckers who took psychedelics for so long they couldn't cope with reality. I have absolutely no hope left. She is gone.. forever. I'll never hold her again. I'll never be able to have a conversation with her. I'll never be able to fix things. I'm a fucking JUNKIE. I deserve nothing. And that's exactly what my addiction has cost me.
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWxqd90-XWI

Right before she died, I loved the hell out of this song. I can't stop listening to it. I have to remember her. I have to think about all the things I did to fucking hurt her. I have to.. this life is not for me. It's only pain, suffering, and sorrow.

Whenever the mark of the beast system gets put into effect, i'm willingly going to give myself up for not taking it so they can behead me and get it over with. Death is peaceful. No more sorrow.. no more pain.. nothing.
 
You are punishing yourself unmercifully. It breaks my human heart and my mother-heart. You do not deserve any of what you are doing to yourself. I can understand that you are in pain but there are basically two paths in front of you. One is to heap more and more pain onto yourself ( which is a slow torture) and the other is to take small steps away from pain. At the most basic, primal level it is a choice. Your friend did not get to make that choice. Find someone in your faith that you can talk to. Please do this for yourself. You are the same person you were on the day you were born. That person suffers pain, reacts to pain and can learn from pain. "mistakes" and "failures" are negative words if we allow that kind of thinking; another way to see it is valuable life knowledge that lets us move forward in a different direction. Take care of yourself.<3
 
How do you move forward though? My way of dealing with pain is drugs.. always has been. I know no other way. Just stay high, not think about it.
 
I did 700mgs of diphenhydramine 3 nights ago, and i'm still feeling it. I don't remember much, except for people constantly coming into and leaving my house.

Like I said, I must be INSANE to be doing this stuff again. It's not like I had a bad trip or anything. But, I just feel uneasy. And my nerves have been completely shot. Like, I was shaking so bad afterhand I thought I was having a seizure or something.

Is this similar to a Datura experience? That's what I was going after.

Oh yea, and I had like 4 shots of hard liquor beforehand.
 
Guess I'm too dark for this forum. Oh well. %)

I was drunk, and I had the pills in my hand, so I figured, why not?
 
This might sound a bit blunt but it's just a bit frustrating when you come in here to ask for advice, and you have numerous people repeatedly telling you that you shouldn't take any recreational substances particularly psychedelics or deleriants, yet you do it anyway. We want to HELP you Hippiechild, but it's very hard to do that when you're blatantly going against the advice you're getting on here.
 
Well, I don't plan on doing anything like that again anytime soon. It wasn't a bad trip, it just wasn't comfortable.
 
Well that's great to hear you don't plan on doing it again any time soon :) That is a good idea man.
 
xHippiexchildx said:
Well, I don't plan on doing anything like that again anytime soon. It wasn't a bad trip, it just wasn't comfortable.
Click to expand...

My apologies for "jumping in" here, but this particular line really struck a chord with me.
Over the course of the thread, you've released some emotional stuff and allowed us to respond. That's cathartic, and I encourage you to keep it up.

However, you also postulated that continuing to use drugs, despite their ubiquitously negative impact on your life. And then you used again - and a rather arbitrary and seemingly impulsive combination of diphenhydramine and alcohol. Perhaps it wasn't a "bad" experience, but the quality of your experience appears, to me, to be irrelevant within the confines of this discussion. I'd feel like I was doing you a disservice by withholding my instinctual reaction, which is that you may be suffering from some level of chemical dependency. And I want to assure you, I have been there.

No one plans on doing something detrimental to themselves, just as no one pulls out of their driveway intending on getting into an accident. And just as defensive driving is a practical insurance policy to minimize the likelihood of your getting in an automobile accident, so, too, might you consider "living defensively," so as to recognize the warning signs that you may be slipping into a state of escapism that will eventually cause you more of this turmoil that you're seeking to avoid.

On the subject of Datura - It isn't even a "hallucinogen," per se. It's a deliriant. And I'm going to assume you're intelligent enough to recognize how damaging entering a state of delirium would likely be for you!
Anyone who is familiar with me in this community might recognize that I strive to avoid making judgments on others behavior. My words to you ought to be interpreted as suggestions. And my earnest suggestion to you is that you take those steps necessary to address the fragility of your current state-of-being.

We've all been bound by the shackles of psychological fragility at some point in our lives - without it, we wouldn't have experienced the full gambit of the human experience. I have learned, more often than not the hard way, that it is how I train myself to detect the early warning signs that I may be slipping and take appropriate action to avoid slipping. You'd be astounded at the impact that a little mindfulness about oneself can have on one's present situation.
Please consider an alternative way to cope with your distress. In doing so, I have faith that you might unlock the psychological chains that restrain your rational thinking.

To conclude, I want you to understand that I offer these words out of concern and empathy. TDS is not a forum where people generally pick at each other for the sake of criticism itself (and if they do, the eagle-eyed staff will take appropriate measures ;) ). I choose to emphasize this last point, because when I was last in such a fragile mindset (and this was not too long ago...) I would have either A.) taken offense at someone telling me what to do, or B.) shrugged it off because it just wasn't what I'd wanted to hear. I wish for you clarity and serenity, and hopefully the suggestions I've put forth aid you in finding those staples of happiness.

Best of luck to you, xHippiexchildx. Thank you for your rigorous honesty in sharing your story with us!

~ vaya
 
taking datura was the worst experience of my life

it is not an experience like LSD or DMT , you basically just have no grasp of how effected you are for it to be of any therapeutic value in my opinion

if you determined to take it i guess you will take it but as somepne who loves psychadeic drugs i can tell u datura is far from an enlightening experience
 
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I.. JUST.. WANT.. TO.. SEE.. HER.. AGAIN.. Maybe if God resurrects her right now, i'll be fine. If she were here right now at this very minute, I wouldn't touch drugs ever EVER again in my whole life. Ever... ever... I just want her back. I HAVE to fix things between me and her. I have to. It's become my life's mission to do this. It's at the very center of my being.
 
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