I just want to die and I can't help it.

[tommy34]

I can't escape this feeling that I want to die. I can't stop thinking about it an I am going insane.

 

[tommy34]

Been going on for years, but progressively gotten worse lately. Nothing has happened, I've been on holidays an just been doing nothing. I feel like I'm just pushing everyone away so I wont hurt them.

 

[tommy34]

i can relate to that. Sometimes pushing folks away (for me) is an attempt in saying 'please fucking help me'. Once again, thats just my own shit and it may be different for you

Are you feeling like dying because you are dissatisfied with what's going on (like you aren't good enough?) or is it that fucked up thing we do to ourselves where everything seems hopeless?

Man, so many of us can relate to what you are feeling (I certainly can at the moment) but dude, this dark place your at right now isn't going to stay dark (or at the very least as dark).

Even when EVERYTHING seems to be fucked up, there is stuff working in the background of our lives that we are completely unaware of. We just don't see those positive things when we are all clouded in our own negativity and then, at some point later on, something good happens that picks us right back up again. The ebb and flow of life, I suppose. I feel ya in the sense that the negative just seems to outweigh the positive (or the positive experiences simply don't last long enough)

Do your friends and family notice that you are pushing them away?

Your right. I push them away as a cry for help but no one is answering. I know I need help, ive been to the doc an he referred me to a psych. Both my sisters have done uni, one has a MD an the other is traveling Europe. I still live at home an work is the same job I have since I was at school. I fucked up an no one can even see.

I just need someone to make me get help. I just want to be normal an live a normal life but I can't. I don't have the energy to do anything about it.

I sometimes get so frustrated I yell at my gf. She is the only one that understands what me. I hate going out in public, I don't want to see anyone but a select few people because I feel so uncomfortable an ashamed of myself.

 

[Lolie]

Perhaps other people don't feel like you have fucked up or in any way "failed".

Being discontent with yourself and your life is a good reason to see a psychiatrist and to seek therapy of some kind, but don't start wishing for others to regard you as a failure.

 

[tommy34]

Do you have someone you trust that you can ask for help in getting help?

Yes, my mum, my gf. I could ask for help but they will think I'm a freak. I don't want to need help. I just wish my head wasn't so fucked up. I think I life feeling like this in a sick way. It feels normal.

 

[tommy34]

She may need you to ask her for help just as much as you need to ask for it

Probably. But its not an option, I can't reach out like that. I will end up making myself look like an idiot. I feel like I just make things up in my head to make me think I'm sick as an excuse for what I've become. I don't even know what I feel most of the time. I just want to tell everyone I'm sorry an leave.

 

[tommy34]

Its one of the only sunny days we've had in moths an I'm sitting inside crying like the little bitch I am. Waiting for someone to text me an ask to do something but I can't think of one person that would. I texted my gf an said I loved her but she hasn't replied. She is getting better now an I think she is sick of me fucking with her head while she is trying to get better. I can't help it. Maybe she would be better off without me but I'm to much of a pussy to let her go.

 

[tommy34]

you won't 'look like an idiot' at all, man. Why let your pride fuck you into even more pain? Sometimes we need to just humble ourselves and say 'i can't fucking do this by myself'. Its not a sign of weakness at all. You just need help right now. Once you start doing what you need to do to get better with you, you won't need as much help from others. Also, we can be selfish in many ways (I certainly am) and by not giving someone the opportunity to help someone they love can be considered selfish.

I get it, I truly do. But the pain may get much greater later and harder to deal with (especially if you push the ones that are willing and able to help you away)

tommy, please just ask for help. if you can't find the words to do so, maybe just print out parts of this thread and give it to your mom. She must be hurting because I can guarantee she sees something is off with her son but may be afraid to say anything for fear of pushing you away

There's no reason for you to suffer like this when you can take the minimal risk of just putting your head down and saying 'mom, can we kinda talk?'

I don't want my head to fuck with hers when she is getting better. She has the strength to do it an I don't want to fuck it all up for her.

I just realised its my sisters birthday an her boyfriend flew in on NYE an I haven't even been to see him. I am so selfish an court up in my own shit that I can't even go see my family on their Birthdays.

I don't want to tell my mum, what if she can't handle it an is just in a constant worry that I'm going to hurt myself. I just want to be on my own so I can die a peaceful death. What the fuck, how many 20 year olds are ready to die?

 

[tommy34]

i really don't think you really are 'ready to die'. most times when we say that we simply just want the pain to go away and death seems like the best option.

I don't know if your mom can or cannot handle your current challenges but I do know that she definitely won't be able to handle her son's suicide. And, from what info you have provided, it sounds like she may already be caught up in worry concerning your mindset at the moment. You know how 'not knowing' fucks with us? It fucks with others as well and it may very well be a relief to go to her since she is one of the two people you trust and obviously love.

Once you get through this initial hardship of asking for help and start doing the work necessary to maintain a healthy mind (going to therapy, taking meds, helping family... whatever it may be) the relief will be felt by not only you but those that care about you as well.

Holy shit dude, your wise and kind words are too much for me to handle. I think I'm going to tell my girlfriend again that I can't cope. I will tell her when she gets home because otherwise ill ruin her time away. Thank you so much an Ill try stop whining about my problems so much.

 

[tommy34]

How do you just keep thinking of such nice things to say? I don't know what to say anymore, I actually don't feel so bad. I don't know if it was this thread or just further reassurance that I'm bipolar, maybe both. I would like to continue talking but. It actually quiet amazing that someone over the other side of the world, twice my age can be so helpful.

 

[Lolie]

^^^

Being "old" has its advantages. It gives you a context and perspective which only comes with life experience. I wouldn't be 20 again for anything - so many things seem so overwhelming because it's a period when we face so many intense emotions alone for the first time. The future seems almost infinite when we're young adults.

 

[tommy34]

great... tommy just called me 'old' 8) j/k

I didn't call you old, I was complementing you on your wisdom, gain through (many) years of living.

I guess I am just scared shirtless of the future. I just want to grow up to have a career that I'm proud of, a wife and kids that love me and look up to me. I want to be the father that my dad wasn't to me. I don't beleive I have the intelligence or resources to reach my goals.

 

[tommy34]

I just had a sleep and woke up. I still feel horrible but now I am seriously considering telling my girl that I can't do this to her an I don't want to see her anymore. I think she is angry with me because I haven't been giving her the attention she deserves. I'm so confused at the moment.

 

[Lolie]

I've ended relationships because I recognised that I couldn't do what I needed to do in order to get myself to a healthy mental and emotional place while I felt responsible for someone else's emotional welfare.

The one piece of advice I'd give you is that if you end a relationship for that reason make sure you actually follow through and actually do what you need to in order to get healthy. If you don't not only will it cause both you and the other person a world of pain which can take a very long time to get over, but all those unaddressed issues will rear their ugly head in the next relationship which comes along.

 

[tommy34]

I can't do it. Her love is one if the only things that is a constant reassurance that life is worth living. Plus it will fuck with both our heads even more.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You aren't alone, many people experience similar thoughts.

My advice: get physical exercise, every day. Even if you do not feel like it (obviously if you are in serious pain, or are disabled, you can disregard this message).

 

[tommy34]

I'm not in any serious physical pain or disabled. I have a gym membership but no one will go with me an I hate being there with all the muscle heads carrying around their invisible buckets in each hand.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm not in any serious physical pain or disabled. I have a gym membership but no one will go with me an I hate being there with all the muscle heads carrying around their invisible buckets in each hand.

I would go with you, but I just recently broke two bones in my arm and am in a lot of pain. I really enjoy going to the gym.

Also, I probably don't live close to you. But if I did, and if I wasn't in pain, I would.

My advice to you: get an mp3 player, and get some of your favorite music on it. Just listen to tunes with your eyes closed while you are doing reps. This is what I do.

 

[tommy34]

Oh wow, I'm very sorry to hear that. Your all to kind to me. Would it be possible to have a bluelight topic where we could find other bluelight members in our area to meet up with and exercise?

I know I'm not the only one in this boat an if it could help a few people with their depression then it would be a job well done. Just a thought.

 

[n3ophy7e]

tommy, you should check out the Healthy Living forum, whenever I'm feeling too lazy to exercise I go in there and it really motivates me.

Other than that, have you ever told a doctor or your parents about the suicidal thoughts you've been having? Have you ever had any counselling or anything like that?