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I Just Need To Post Vs. Lend me your eyes and ears, your wisdom and beauty.
- Thread starter neversickanymore
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Today I sent a message/request to woman who is also disabled. I don't know if that's a 'post something positive' thing or a sad thing. I've never dated someone who was disabled, or really ever considered myself disabled as far as dating. But I haven't been dating much of anyone for the past 12 years (since becoming disabled). Today fucking lovely with the disability stuff, as I've also received the threatening letter 
with a deadline of less than 2 weeks that I receive every 3 years for renewal. It's fucking stupid. I don't know if they hope to get people to mess up and not renew to save them money or if they are just that inconsiderate that someone should have 2 weeks to go on a stress-out document hunt that their whole life depends on. I told my counselor but our last meeting was a complete waste.
oh yea, I have issues with acknowledging and thinking about my disability lol.
I want to drink tomorrow. I actually feel a lot of anxiety about going to the liquor store.(how stupid is that?) because I've had so little social interaction lately.
Always feel shitty after I go on a mini-binge but at least good while on it.
wish me luck getting a hot date.
with a deadline of less than 2 weeks that I receive every 3 years for renewal. It's fucking stupid. I don't know if they hope to get people to mess up and not renew to save them money or if they are just that inconsiderate that someone should have 2 weeks to go on a stress-out document hunt that their whole life depends on. I told my counselor but our last meeting was a complete waste.oh yea, I have issues with acknowledging and thinking about my disability lol.
I want to drink tomorrow. I actually feel a lot of anxiety about going to the liquor store.(how stupid is that?) because I've had so little social interaction lately.
Always feel shitty after I go on a mini-binge but at least good while on it.
wish me luck getting a hot date.
Folley
Bluelighter
Well... my best friend and room mate is in the psych ward after "fasting" and literally going insane. Really glad to have him out of the house to be honest, last thing I need is to deal with someone else's burdens as well as my own ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I don't even know really.. I feel like I should be in some emotional distress but it would seem the recent MDMA abuse is keeping me from feeling..... anything.
I don't even know really.. I feel like I should be in some emotional distress but it would seem the recent MDMA abuse is keeping me from feeling..... anything.
caseface99
Bluelight Crew
I have a place lined up to move into, the issue is that it just won't be available for a few weeks longer then expected and tonight is the last night I can stay where I've been living. I have a place lined up to stay with some friends for a few days already so I'll just try to couch surf my way through this, hoping to not have to spend any extra money on a hotel but it is an option at least.
Sooo I spoke with my future landlord yesterday and apparently he had an issue moving out on time, something to do with the gas & electric company not approving something with his new house yet - The house I'm renting is the house he's moving out of, so I'm looking at 3 weeks of floating around with no place of my own, at minimum.
Strangely I'm not too worried about it though. I'll figure shit out, I doubt I'll have to sleep in my car for any of it. And even if I don't figure it out, it will be an adventure and a real reminder of where I will be permanently if I relapse.
_________
Edit - I just realized I only have one more full day with my own place until I have 3+ weeks basically homeless (hopefully will be able to couch surf my way through it...) And I'm starting to stress about it quite a bit more then I was when I first made this post. I'm actually REALLY not fucking looking forward to this, especially while trying to maintain school and shit.
On top of that I lost my ring today, was a Buddhist ring with "Om Mani Padme Hum" written around it (in sanskrit) that I bought when I was with my ex and haven't taken it off in 6+ months. Losing it brought back up a ton of memories and feelings, and I'm actually really fucking upset about it.. Way more then I should be. I'm way too sentimental for my own good.
I'm sorry to hear that there's complications with the new house, Case. That's shitty. There's always couchsurfing.com. You'll have plenty of interesing stories to tell us, and you'll meet some new people. (AND ITS FREEEE.)
If you have the cash, airbnb.com is also a great way to find a spot...some of the coolest guest houses and spare rooms I've stayed in were from that site. I found beds in the city, yurts up in Mendocino, and guesthouses down in Santa Cruz. I spent anywhere from $45-$100 for the weekend. Any person with good sense will most likely cut you a deal for a week at a time.
I had a ring that said "Om mane padme hum" and wore it on my my index finger for 2 years. Mine fell off when I was hiking one day on the coast near Pt. Reyes. I cried for the rest of that day. I tried to think of it as representing a new beginning, but basically I was just devastated. A few days later, I found out that I got an internship at a film production company. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.
caseface99
Bluelight Crew
^^ Thanks for the tips Zwanya I will definitely check out those sites!
Also, I found the ring on the ground outside my building. I almost cried in a good way after finding it, definitely a huge relief. Also a learning experience though - because it doesn't change the fact that I get way to sentimental/attached to things. When it comes down to it, it's just stuff. I think I'm going to try and be more aware of this and not let myself get too attached to anything else from now on. I've always been that way, as far back as I can remember though.. I remember once throwing a temper tantrum when I was really young because my dad had thrown away a pair of my shoes that were so old and torn up they couldn't be worn anymore... I had to move a bunch of times as a kid and abandon a lot of my stuff every time we moved, so that might have something to do with it. I also had to abandon every single thing I owned besides my hiking pack and whatever clothes I could fit in it, this last time I went to rehab. So looking back over the years, it has always been the little things that I've held onto.
I just packed up everything I own into a couple plastic bins and a mountaineering pack, aside form my school stuff and laptop which can all fit in my regular backpack. Tomorrow is a new day, another turn on the road of life. Where it will take me, time will tell.
Also, I found the ring on the ground outside my building. I almost cried in a good way after finding it, definitely a huge relief. Also a learning experience though - because it doesn't change the fact that I get way to sentimental/attached to things. When it comes down to it, it's just stuff. I think I'm going to try and be more aware of this and not let myself get too attached to anything else from now on. I've always been that way, as far back as I can remember though.. I remember once throwing a temper tantrum when I was really young because my dad had thrown away a pair of my shoes that were so old and torn up they couldn't be worn anymore... I had to move a bunch of times as a kid and abandon a lot of my stuff every time we moved, so that might have something to do with it. I also had to abandon every single thing I owned besides my hiking pack and whatever clothes I could fit in it, this last time I went to rehab. So looking back over the years, it has always been the little things that I've held onto.
I just packed up everything I own into a couple plastic bins and a mountaineering pack, aside form my school stuff and laptop which can all fit in my regular backpack. Tomorrow is a new day, another turn on the road of life. Where it will take me, time will tell.
^^It is just stuff.
My family didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up, so the few toys I had were very special to me. Most of the toys I had were from second hand stores. I remember every year on my birthday I would get to go to Toys R Us and pick one toy under $20. This all made me treasure the things I had. Now I have rule that on birthdays and holidays people can only give me gifts that they make or find. I follow my own rule too. This makes the whole gift giving process really mean something. I find the idea of spending large sums of money as a way of expressing love really absurd. I know this comes from growing up with very little, and appreciating tiny, simple things. I lived in South Africa for a year, a place with poverty on a scale that's impossible to imagine coming from the US. I lived in the mountains of Thailand too, in a village where just a few lucky folks had electricity and toilets. In both of these places, all I had with me was a backpack. I realized very quickly that everything I needed was on my back. My entire apartment back home in New York was added luxury.
But there are instances where these objects have a whole lot of meaning. If they are attached to a memory of someone who I loved, or a beautiful place I visited, or they came from someone who has died; who I will never get to see or talk to again. I cherish those objects much more than anything I would buy myself. I'm suremy friends and family are tired of getting photographs and paintings I did for xmas. But I dont care. Now that I'm not spending every dollar I have on opiates, I can buy the expensive film and paint to make them with.
My family didn't have a lot of money when I was growing up, so the few toys I had were very special to me. Most of the toys I had were from second hand stores. I remember every year on my birthday I would get to go to Toys R Us and pick one toy under $20. This all made me treasure the things I had. Now I have rule that on birthdays and holidays people can only give me gifts that they make or find. I follow my own rule too. This makes the whole gift giving process really mean something. I find the idea of spending large sums of money as a way of expressing love really absurd. I know this comes from growing up with very little, and appreciating tiny, simple things. I lived in South Africa for a year, a place with poverty on a scale that's impossible to imagine coming from the US. I lived in the mountains of Thailand too, in a village where just a few lucky folks had electricity and toilets. In both of these places, all I had with me was a backpack. I realized very quickly that everything I needed was on my back. My entire apartment back home in New York was added luxury.
But there are instances where these objects have a whole lot of meaning. If they are attached to a memory of someone who I loved, or a beautiful place I visited, or they came from someone who has died; who I will never get to see or talk to again. I cherish those objects much more than anything I would buy myself. I'm suremy friends and family are tired of getting photographs and paintings I did for xmas. But I dont care. Now that I'm not spending every dollar I have on opiates, I can buy the expensive film and paint to make them with.
caseface99
Bluelight Crew
All very true Zwanya.
And thanks again for those websites!!! I just "booked" a spot sleeping in a tent in somebodies back yard for about a week, for a fraction of the cost of a cheap motel. I'm actually sort of stoked, besides the fact that this woman lives close to my school, I'm actually really excited to sleep outside in a tent in a safe environment. I have my own tent and had considered just setting it up somewhere, but I would have had to risk it in a sketchy area somewhere around here so being in a fenced off backyard in a nice neighborhood instead will actually work out nicely. I can't think of anything better for getting on a good sleep schedule then sleeping outside, I've never once been able to sleep in while camping before, even when I'm up super late - I'm looking forward to rising with the sun! About a week will literally cost what a couple nights at a motel would have cost. She has dozens of 5 star reviews, a winter-proof tent(not that it gets super cold here) and it comes with an air mattress, all the blankets I need, two lanterns, access to the house for bathroom/shower, kitchen, washer & dryer, electricity to charge my stuff, free wifi, it actually sounds pretty legit.
So I have the weekend lined up for a friends apartment, and then 6 days in this tent - depending on how it goes I may decide to rent more nights in her backyard and if not will take some more people up on their offers of couch/floor space. I just didn't want to over stay my welcome anywhere and don't know exactly how long I'll be in between places, so this is perfect!
(I was weary of the couch surfing website because it asks for a $25 payment in order to "verify" you before you can even look at whats available, but I'm actually really happy with what I found on the other site - the experience will be good for me.)
And thanks again for those websites!!! I just "booked" a spot sleeping in a tent in somebodies back yard for about a week, for a fraction of the cost of a cheap motel. I'm actually sort of stoked, besides the fact that this woman lives close to my school, I'm actually really excited to sleep outside in a tent in a safe environment. I have my own tent and had considered just setting it up somewhere, but I would have had to risk it in a sketchy area somewhere around here so being in a fenced off backyard in a nice neighborhood instead will actually work out nicely. I can't think of anything better for getting on a good sleep schedule then sleeping outside, I've never once been able to sleep in while camping before, even when I'm up super late - I'm looking forward to rising with the sun! About a week will literally cost what a couple nights at a motel would have cost. She has dozens of 5 star reviews, a winter-proof tent(not that it gets super cold here) and it comes with an air mattress, all the blankets I need, two lanterns, access to the house for bathroom/shower, kitchen, washer & dryer, electricity to charge my stuff, free wifi, it actually sounds pretty legit.
So I have the weekend lined up for a friends apartment, and then 6 days in this tent - depending on how it goes I may decide to rent more nights in her backyard and if not will take some more people up on their offers of couch/floor space. I just didn't want to over stay my welcome anywhere and don't know exactly how long I'll be in between places, so this is perfect!
(I was weary of the couch surfing website because it asks for a $25 payment in order to "verify" you before you can even look at whats available, but I'm actually really happy with what I found on the other site - the experience will be good for me.)
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Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
Just had a fourth panic attack In a row. I think it's done.
I am still huddled over and shaking.
I am still huddled over and shaking.
caseface99
Bluelight Crew
^Sending you positive thoughts and energy while I meditate before going to bed tonight. This too shall pass. 
HdoubleODeezy
Bluelighter
Hope you're feelin better now CH.
Anxiety sucks, especially when getting clean.
It ain't fair the way it happens. As if the wds aren't painful enough without the panic/anxieties that can happen to some.
Heres a smiley for ya.. %) feel any better bro? lol.
You'll be fine man, they'll always end, keep that in mind when they happen.
Anxiety sucks, especially when getting clean.
It ain't fair the way it happens. As if the wds aren't painful enough without the panic/anxieties that can happen to some.
Heres a smiley for ya.. %) feel any better bro? lol.
You'll be fine man, they'll always end, keep that in mind when they happen.
HdoubleODeezy
Bluelighter
Sorry for the double post but i have a question to people who read my username..
Do you see it as H double O Deezy (as in "deezy" as a slang for the letter D) making my username "HOOD"?
As in me saying i am the "hood" or at least from it.
Or,
Do you see it as H double OD eezy (as in "eezy" as a purposely misspelled "easy") making it "H double OD eezy"?
As in H (the slang for the drug) and ive done enough to OD twice easy?
LOL, sorry.. after all this time being on the site, just wanna see how your brain interprets HdoubleODeezy.
Do you see it as H double O Deezy (as in "deezy" as a slang for the letter D) making my username "HOOD"?
As in me saying i am the "hood" or at least from it.
Or,
Do you see it as H double OD eezy (as in "eezy" as a purposely misspelled "easy") making it "H double OD eezy"?
As in H (the slang for the drug) and ive done enough to OD twice easy?
LOL, sorry.. after all this time being on the site, just wanna see how your brain interprets HdoubleODeezy.
caseface99
Bluelight Crew
I always read it as "H-double O-Deezy" haha It never occurred to me that it was saying "H (heroin) double OD easy" as I'm now assuming it's really supposed to be.
Captain.Heroin
Bluelight Crew
"Deezy" as a word.
And thanks man; I feel a bit Better.
I am hoping today is better.
And thanks man; I feel a bit Better.
I am hoping today is better.
HdoubleODeezy
Bluelighter
haha, ill just keep it a mystery to which way it is. i noticed it could be read either way in the context i wrote it. i figured whatever state of mind someone is in will determine how they read it.
keep the replies coming tho people, i am interested in seeing who reads it which way.
@CH: hope today is better for ya too. %)
On another note: I get my new galaxy s4 tomorrow! and a new bluetooth sound system.
EDIT: check my thread in Words: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/715110-Explaining-the-meaning-behind-a-username
keep the replies coming tho people, i am interested in seeing who reads it which way.
@CH: hope today is better for ya too. %)
On another note: I get my new galaxy s4 tomorrow!
and a new bluetooth sound system.EDIT: check my thread in Words: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/715110-Explaining-the-meaning-behind-a-username
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ad lib
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2013
- Messages
- 4,317
Lol I see it as "hood". I was looking at it the other day trying to figure it out
Well... my best friend and room mate is in the psych ward after "fasting" and literally going insane. Really glad to have him out of the house to be honest, last thing I need is to deal with someone else's burdens as well as my own
I don't even know really.. I feel like I should be in some emotional distress but it would seem the recent MDMA abuse is keeping me from feeling..... anything.
Sorry to hear about your friend and I hope your emotions return.. you may wish to join in the how are you in one word thread as it can help when they start to return as people ae often unable to identify how they feal for awhile.
HdoubleODeezy
Bluelighter
^lol yeah w/ bacon
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