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I Just Need To Post Vs. Lend me your eyes and ears, your wisdom and beauty.

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herbavore said:
America is the land of resentment. You hear it in every political discourse, on the radio, in the papers, at work, in neighborhoods and on and on down to our families--everything is someone else' fault and we are conditioned to accept anger as an acceptable place to stay rather than a natural phase in a progressive range of feelings that should ultimately lead away from anger!
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QFT never heard a more true statement Herbi. and who wouldn't be angry when most people slave their lives away in the pursuit of material bullshit at the expense of sacrificing so much that is really important.. wonder why so many people are on antidepressants, because their lives and goals are shallow and the rewards unsatisfying and it is all promoted by advertising and big media.
 
herbavore said:
I love that forgiveness prayer--especially recognizing that very few people actually harm each other maliciously--it is usually their own confusions! That is what I call an open door way of looking at something rather than a door locked up tight. Resentment harms the person that feels it and everyone else around them to some degree. America is the land of resentment. You hear it in every political discourse, on the radio, in the papers, at work, in neighborhoods and on and on down to our families--everything is someone else' fault and we are conditioned to accept anger as an acceptable place to stay rather than a natural phase in a progressive range of feelings that should ultimately lead away from anger!
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I think that's true of most country, not just the US. We're all too eager to blame others n resent others rather than let it go xxxx
 
Great post herbavore! So true.

Sleep didn't go quite as planned, Couldn't sleep, started thinking about some really happy memories from over the summer when i was genuinely happy, remember that similar ones won't be created with the same person anyway and broke down - broke down but stayed grateful that i had those memories at all. Eventually passed out.

The book I'm reading is doing a great job of explaining how and why to let yourself feel your feelings entirely and to appreciate them for what they are, rather than to try and stuff them down and escape and run from them. Because if you don't allow yourself to experience them, then they grow stronger, show up more frequently, and develop into fears. Fears that you will most likely make come true for yourself.
 
im posting from an open ward (mental health hospital), ill be detained for another week and a half or so, i already spent 9 days in a closed ward (which is at a psychiatric institution and is basically solitary confinement but with other psychos)

all this happened because i had a manic episode that led up to me smelling chemicals in plants and consuming the juice from a few leaves which i first thought to be a dmt related compound but later found it to be a deliriant imo.

lots of hyper paranoia and voices guiding me, led to me walked to the ER by an old wise lady (could have just have been me alone)

then experienced some psychosis until tranqued with benzos

then i awoke in the closed ward i think

pretty traumatic past few weeks for me, but im going to try this entire year sober, see what happens

apparently if i fuck up one more time they will force me to take anti-psychotics and mood-stabilisers, even once im out of hospital

scary scary shit, dont eat chems you can smell in plants kids, it sounds incredibly stuipid i know, but there is something about super confidence in your senses during hyper-mania that leads to false-confidence

my psychiatrist still isnt convinced that im not bipolar or schiz, i think i ended up here because they though the acid triggered an underlying mental health issue, when it was the delirients long ass half life when consumed orally that made them think it wasnt all just drug effects that made me start to lose my mind
 
I've made lots of bad decisions in my life but this one takes the cake

Lots to learn from this one though

Thx for <3 maya rite back at u ~~~
 
mysterie, I am glad that you are safe. Mania can be pretty dangerous via the false-confidence aspect. How are you actually feeling at this point? When you leave will you be with family?

You are a great writer (Words :) ) and it could be really helpful to you now. Are you writing?<3
 
I feel nonchalant and hope to live by the sea and start living in a productive way, away from
Fams

Words is a cool place I'll think on it

Atm I just want out of this place

I want to return to reality a changed person
 
Mysterie said:
I feel nonchalant and hope to live by the sea and start living in a productive way, away from
Fams
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Fams/farms I'm in agreement with you here, regardless of which you meant.

I've already plotted the only 'lawless' areas of my island and am wanting to move there ASAP....
 
I'm happy as I've now pass FOUR MODULES of my Masters. Before Christmas I thought I may have to drop out. Two more modules n a dissertation n I'll have my MSc got six years to complete it in :)
A week on Mo day to complet my 'Childhood Obesity' assignment.

Feel like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just need to sort the finance situation out now which is annoying as I wanted to give Bluelight another donation n haven't been able to.

Evey :)
 
i've been suicidal before but got past it but a couple months ago i got an infection in my spine and the unbearable pain is making those thoughts resurface and my son who most of you probably know (mrflowers) is very suicidal and with all the people he loves most in such pain and suffering he takes it a lot harder than most my worry isn't for me it's for my son i've seen him overdose a few times and it was the worst experience of my life with both of us being so down emotionally i'm scared cause we usually are doing ok on and off different days and can cheer the other up but we've been scrapin by to try and be positive sorry i just needed to get that out of me also if anyone knows has my son made plans to kill himself and told any of you cause he's been acting strange
 
Glad to hear you survived being suicidal, dwamn. Wish I could help you out with your question--as it's hard for me to explain why I'm reluctant to follow up with your question--but because we're a community of mostly anonymous individuals, and respect each other's privacy, and since you've only 5 posts on BL (and yet you aren't a greenlighter, that's weird) my gut says I have no business answering your question. I'm driven to help people who are looking over the edge as much as the next person, but I think there's a line that shouldn't be crossed, and it involves talking about someone when they aren't around (even if it's for good intentions). I don't know, maybe that's just me. Will pray, though!

On an entirely different subject: The new recent activity tab on our profile shows all kinds of activity...but none of it's mine. lol
 
Dwamn, I'm sorry to hear that you and your son are both going through it right now. I do know mrflowers - I don't have any knowledge about any suicidal plans he may have made though. I know he's had a rough time but thats it. As JAG pointed out, breaking anonymity/trust wouldn't be something I would normally ever do either - but in the case of suicide I certainly would. Someones life > someones trust. Anyway, I hope everything works out. Please check in with us and let us know how things are going from time to time.

Otherwise, just keep trying to stay positive. I know it's hard, believe me - I'm going through a tough time myself. Something that's been helping me through it has been to focus on my physical health and fitness, I know you mentioned having an issue with your back right now but maybe you can find something else to focus on right now that would be healthy, so at least you have some sort of daily reprieve from the negative emotions. Best of luck!!
 
You put that really well, Caseface. I wanted to edit my post, as I had second thoughts about what I'd typed, but since the migration I haven't been able to edit or delete. Peace, guys. A buddy of mine said something really amazing today, and I don't want to copy it verbatim, but it goes more or less like this:

"Most of us have a lot to be thankful for and to be happy about, and I'm one of them. And yet I've often refused to recognize such things and live my life miserable and pissed off at everything. Damn it there are people so much worse off and going through shit they might not survive, I need to check myself from time to time. Some of you probably pray for nothing more than health, a roof over your heads, and food to eat. I've got a wife, four beautiful kids, a bad ass dog, and somewhere I'm proud to call home. I've only this one chance to make my life what I want. Second chances and new beginning stopped in my 20s."

Man. I can relate to that.
 
Of course dwamn. Genuinely, let us know how you and your son are doing from time to time. Haven't seen flowers post much lately. (i could be missing it though)

And JAG that quote is so fucking true. No matter how much emotion pain I am in from time to time, I need to remind myself that my mother and sister weren't raped and then had their hands cut off right in front of me. (a daily occurrence in certain areas of Africa)
 
Yes I hope Mrflowers is ok he seemed to be doing it tough.

Dwamn sorry just read your post I didn't really mrflowers was your son. A lot care about him on here n we all hope he's ok. Sorry for what you're going through with your infection n slip disc. I hope you both feel better soon xxxx
 
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