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I Just Need To Post Vs. Lend me your eyes and ears, your wisdom and beauty.

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That's a good point Evey, where the medications are concerned. See, if I hadn't had a doctor gradually wean me off opiate pain meds I don't know where I would be addiction-wise. Probably perfectly content taking larger doses mixed with benzos and muscle relaxants. It was scary coming out of that fog, and I was living in pill-mill ground zero in a time where doctors never told me no. He did me the biggest favor though and I don't need them anymore.
 
Oh shit. After having a really great year last year, tapering right back.. The inevitable has finally happened -

A blackmarket opiate source has made itself available to me. I've always been limited in supply by script/pharmacy/etc, keeping my addiction at least within some boundary. Now I have unlimited (albeit a little more expensive) supply. I can't help myself, with my reduced tolerance I'm blind right now except for the promise of falling freefall into *that* feeling.

"Just once more"
"Just once more"
"Just once more"
"Just once more"
 
^time to take control of your life.. its not usually as easy as saying oh ok we will just do this, so what your plan cartesia<3?
 
I don't have a clue. Things have been shit the past couple weeks. Life/family/friends/all that. The greatest year of my life was closed out by an absolutely horrible xmas/new years. I'm on my way to work now , or else I'd already be high.. hopefully that doesn't go terribly and I'll be able to put myself straight to bed afterwards. I just dont have the strength to fight right now.
 
hey Cart<3 when I reread that my post seamed harsh to say the least.. I just think you may be in harms way
 
hey, no it wasn't harsh. It was pretty much what I would say to myself if I wasn't in a shitty mood. Unfortunately this time positive actions can go f*ck themselves, I just received an unpleasant reminder about a very big pile of shit that's been looming right above me for a couple months now that I'd forgotten about, which i've been avoiding. add that one to the list. EHHHHHHHHHHH. Thought life was going better than ever. It was an illusion.
 
Speaking of addictions. I think I have an addictive personality. I once had a 10 year on n off addiction to the Internet. I'd literally go online to chat all the time even missing meals n being anxious if I was outside encase I missed something. Thank god for mobile phones.

TC i agree sometimes we need someone to intervene even if at the time we feel it's our worst nightmare. My parents used to raid my house for all my pills, they had the postie give them my parcel, made me see them for my tablets. So I put myself on suboxone through desperation. But if they hadn't God know where I'd be because I did have thoughts/ cravings for stronger opiates (which I am ashamed of now) so in a way I suppose they did me a favour. At the time I wished my whole family were gone but I DEEPLY REGRET those stupid thoughts now. I honestly don't know what came over me as I love my family very much especially my Mam who I'm very protective over.
 
^lol I do have an addiction to BL and chatting =D and yes I won't be able to live without my cell phone. it'll drive me nuts
 
my life is so boring i don't think i would do drugs if i had the time and means to go out and do shit i enjoy
 
Just pulled out the king size heated blanket. Freezing nights in Florida what is this world coming to.
 
^ I dislike the weather here atm too, been raining a lot :p
 
alright i have procrastinated enough.. off to the gym as I will miss the after work crowd now i hope at least.
 
Well that was shortlived. it seems my opiate habit is in fact too expensive to maintain any other way... took 200mg oxy in the first 3 hours, wasn't anywhere near that blissful edge between conscious and unconscious...

Which I'm somewhat thankful of , but after the last 2-3 days I feel like absolute depressed lifeless death and I just can't shake it... you know when you look in the mirror and your whole face just looks grey and dead-cold.
 
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Everyone's been doing so well with their exercise routine. I've been slacking with my commitment to walk. I'm doing it mostly for the dogs as it's a great release for them and it's basically a necessity since we've moved inland (whereas we used to visit the beach nightly to let them run for an hour or more). They still have a large fenced in back yard but it doesn't really tickle their fancy in making them want to run around and burn off some steam.

I really need to get back to walking. I got a new phone with a great fitness/walking app. I have a cool holder for my phone for walks. Ugh. Tomorrow I'm going to promise myself that I start walking again!
 
stardust.hero said:
Everyone's been doing so well with their exercise routine. I've been slacking with my commitment to walk. I'm doing it mostly for the dogs as it's a great release for them and it's basically a necessity since we've moved inland (whereas we used to visit the beach nightly to let them run for an hour or more). They still have a large fenced in back yard but it doesn't really tickle their fancy in making them want to run around and burn off some steam.

I really need to get back to walking. I got a new phone with a great fitness/walking app. I have a cool holder for my phone for walks. Ugh. Tomorrow I'm going to promise myself that I start walking again!
Click to expand...

Wow I bet that was ace living by the beach. Walking is ace not just for weight loss/ maintenance or fitness but also good for relaxation n good relaxation. You can do this. We'll be here to motivate you if you want.
 
alright it finally nice enough to snow blow the driveway.. its 14F(-10C) I will be doing it in my bathing suit.. lol... it should be up to 30F or so soon.. but thats coming with freezing rain. fuck the weather around here.

snowblower.jpg
 
^nsa, that sounds soooooo brutal. I seriously would probably starve to death rather than go out. I'd be under the covers in my bed whining--and starvingLOL-- if I lived in that cold weather.

SD, too bad we don't live close--I would motivate you. I'm a walker--have to get outside or I go crazy. I'm in withdrawals from South America--that is pretty much all I did there.
 
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