Serious i just feel done tw: gender dysphoria

[spypilot]

i didnt start doing drugs because of my realization that im non binary but it definitely helped deal with it
i had a few meetings with a person that would diagnose me if there was something that wasnt already diagnosed and i opened up about my gender dysphoria and not being able to speak up to others about it and being non binary etc
later that night i went out with a friend and i did ketamine and drank a lot
looking back on it i dont regret it at all and i wouldve preferred dying on the street that night
after walking around i got myself a bit together and walked home with him and he stayed at my place a bit and i nearly had sex with him i didnt i just cuddled and cryed i wish it was longer i dont even have romantic feelings for him i just needed support that wasnt just talking to someone
for the last few years the feelings could be shoved down but now i guess itll still be there
or maybe im just hungover and i need more pills
yeah
shits not right

 

[PtahTek]

shits not right

shit is def not "right" imo/e

have you always turned to substances to ease pain - of whatever type? is it a default response to stressors? been going on for a long time?

my first use of k was crazy af but the takeaway from my experience was a total shift in the way i "see" things. i mean, im at the age now where i have been to many places (physically and substance induced) and think i had a decent perspective in the "universe" but that was all outwardly focused. k turned all that shit inward and left a hell of an impression on me that i still feel today... its been months. im super jacked as i feel it kinda did a pole reversal in my brain - not sure how else to describe it - that was super welcome cause a shitton of weight was lifted that id been carrying for most of my life. wasnt scary or leave any "negative" residuals as stated i already know that shit aint right going in to that hole - twice.

i am not sure what gender dysphoria looks like as im an older coot and the current gender situation confuses me a bit but i totally support people being who they are whatever definition is apropos.

maybe try to find a therapist that identifies as lgbq+ (i feel there may be more than one would think) cause yeah without someone that can relate there may be little, slow or no headway. just a though. no one wants to really hear how im feeling, what im going through or my honest perspectives on "life" in general less so my personal "demons", how i deal with it or my wants/needs. inly my therapist. and an old friend that has gine through most if not more than what i have. therapist is young and does give perspectives and seems to listen when i babble on. idk. doesnt matter as i can dump on her.
the point I think is we (at least i) need to create a supportive network outside of professional fields. "real" people. tbh it is quite a challenge doing this for me where i am located. the borough is crumbling. the people walking around are mostly zombies from the fake dope goin around so that ave is not a valid option. so i come on here once in a while, cry, bitch, moan, laugh, engage, talk shit, share tmi but idgaf. too old to.

are you on any meds that are prescribed, may i ask?