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Lost I have no place of comfort alive

bluecollartweeker

bluecollartweeker

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 7, 2023
Messages
224
Location
Canada
Im not going to take my life, but to live onward in any mode will only bring dear of losing a good thing while held, or to mourne that memories of good things will never be new again. Its grey, moot, apathy. Im too lethargic to die, and by god i should not have survived the times i should have gone.
 
Never forget that things will change - not promising they will get better but they will change - so they might get better, and you can load that dice in your favour

4 months minimum off any heavy stims would change how things look in a big way I'd imagine.

The past well, you can't change a single moment of it. You can only go from now, whenever you choose
 
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
-Buddha

The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.
- Marcus Aurelius

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.
-Buddha

Our life is what our thoughts make it.
- Marcus Aurelius

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.
- Marcus Aurelius

Sounds like your battle

Depression is a mental state that feeds off itself. Contrary to the laws of physics , it can not only survive, but flourish, grow and expand.

Depressive thoughts cause and deepen depression. Increased depression triggers increased depressive thoughts that in turn increase depression.

May consider making steps to change the way you think about and perceive the world .
 
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bluecollartweeker said:
Im not going to take my life, but to live onward in any mode will only bring dear of losing a good thing while held, or to mourne that memories of good things will never be new again. Its grey, moot, apathy. Im too lethargic to die, and by god i should not have survived the times i should have gone.
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You sound like you have it easy
 
bluecollartweeker said:
Im not going to take my life, but to live onward in any mode will only bring dear of losing a good thing while held, or to mourne that memories of good things will never be new again. Its grey, moot, apathy. Im too lethargic to die, and by god i should not have survived the times i should have gone.
Click to expand...
How are you doing at present? Better I hope.
 
t_xeplionhell said:
You sound like you have it easy
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You dont know me. A rich and powerful admirable man's worst day is still his worst day, and an impovershed parapelgic victims best day is still his best day. I am neither but your worst day is your worst day and mine is mine.
Dont act like you know who i am or what my life has entailed, if you were struggling to hold on to your slipping away life, id sympathise, id try and keep you from falling, no matter what ill will you have towards me, because us humankind shouldnt pit ourselves against eachother for the sake of what i can only asume is you having a harder time than others around you, but thats irrelivant. Have some basic sympathy and bite your tounge before you asume im claiming anything other than exactly what i felt at the time i wrote what i wrote.
It sounds like you asume im trying to be competatively victimized, i never said i was having it worse than you, or anyone. Im simply telling my story, so take this oppurtunity to practice some politeness.
 
chippermonk said:
How are you doing at present? Better I hope.
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Im not trying to kill myself actively, but i most likely have lost my upcoming job because of my previous employers gossiping within my small towns labour network, i have reason to beleive im known as a psychosis patient with an epileptic disorder, and that could realistically reduce my work availability, my means of transport are bussing (hour and half at minimum because im a country hick) or bike with no breaks (cant afford a new one and old bike was stolen during my 3rd catatonic episode)
Im attending NA meetings but i dont truly want to quit shooting coke and im dependant on sedatives to sleep and as an additive measure to control my psychosis along with my 2 antipsychotics which stop the hallucinations and delusions but not anxiety.

Sorry for ranting, i was in a depressive episode and i just got another half ball of coke and can now socialize with less fear.

Thanks for checking up.
 
ageingpartyfiend said:
Never forget that things will change - not promising they will get better but they will change - so they might get better, and you can load that dice in your favour

4 months minimum off any heavy stims would change how things look in a big way I'd imagine.

The past well, you can't change a single moment of it. You can only go from now, whenever you choose
Click to expand...
I can say im exactly 5 months clean from crystal meth, but still inject a half ball to a ball and a half of cocaine citrate (made with crack and citric acid) weekly, and when i dont have coke i habitually use ritalin and ambien IV because im perscribed them, the only drugs i can say i sucsessfully quit are alcohol, bath salts, meth, carisoprodol, and a sizeable list of amphetamine analogues, but not D-amphetine citrate, ritalin, cocaine, or DMC.

I cant attend NA anymore for a long winded reason, so i go to 2 AA meetings a week.
 
Those meetings don't work for every one. As a matter of fact I would always go out and drink every time after I went to a meeting. You have to have the will to quit. I always end up quitting on and off.
 
Within my life ive had deep episodes of depression, 2 attempted suicides and a wretched shadow of addiction and chaos that wards away most friends and oppurtunities, but i can say with great pleasure i have gained 2 more friends through my attempts at desperately seeking either drugs or a place to sleep that night, who both care about me and want me to lose my self harming and addictive tendencies in a way that isnt preachy or judgemental, so im making this post to say, thank you Q.F and IZ. And thank you to those who took time to reply without judgement.
Im not going to take my life anytime soon, thank you.
 
My psychologist is generous with 2 antipsychotics and reluctant but willing with the ritalin ive been on for 6 months each, but frankly refuses to perscribe benzodiazepines in a taper schedual because of my history of alcohol dependency. If i do indeed lose my job (high chance) ill have to drop my 1 of antipspychotics and my ritalin to afford them without insurence, beleive it or not my social worker ghosted me after 3 weeks, and i refused the help of 2 aggressive NA sponsors because they demanded i give up every substance including nicotine and CBD, and devote myself to christ (thats why i switched to secular AA)
I feel a lack a respect in general, which drives me to take situations to be dealt with alone so only i myself can cast judgement.
 
bluecollartweeker said:
I can say im exactly 5 months clean from crystal meth, but still inject a half ball to a ball and a half of cocaine citrate (made with crack and citric acid) weekly, and when i dont have coke i habitually use ritalin and ambien IV because im perscribed them, the only drugs i can say i sucsessfully quit are alcohol, bath salts, meth, carisoprodol, and a sizeable list of amphetamine analogues, but not D-amphetine citrate, ritalin, cocaine, or DMC.

I cant attend NA anymore for a long winded reason, so i go to 2 AA meetings a week.
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you've quit quite a few substances although ofc you're still getting the same receptors tickled, but your being cannot un-know that it's within it's capacity to facilitate change

you also come across like you're holding yourself at least somewhat accountable too which I always find truly bodes well

when you kick the IV coke (and you will) shit could change real fast - you sound to me like you've got plenty more life in you somehow but I know you'll want to rebuff that

it's fantastic youve fucked off the meth and the alcohol, two super-toxic devastating drugs - the coke next
 
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ageingpartyfiend said:
you've quit quite a few substances although ofc you're still getting the same receptors tickled, but your being cannot un-know that it's within it's capacity to facilitate change

you also come across like you're holding yourself at least somewhat accountable too which I always find truly bodes well

when you kick the IV coke (and you will) shit could change real fast - you sound to me like you've got plenty more life in you somehow but I know you'll want to rebuff that

it's fantastic youve fucked off the meth and the alcohol, two super-toxic devastating drugs - the coke next
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Thanks so much, this comment sums it up perfectly. Although i dont refute my lost potential, i know i could thrive in the rigjt environment bit medical, psychological and physical circustances keep me from utilizing the skills i have in ways that could bring financial succsess, if im sober one day and learn how to cope without the cructh of chemical guidence i know ill always miss the feeling but id have less demons crawling all over me. For the time being, i havent gotten high on anything other than near ODs of coke because every other drug is a remedy for my pain and suicidal daydreaming.
I hope your right, but i also beleive you are. Thanks.
 
in last year or so a bit more I stressed every stop some CT some like landing with chute fast taper, and why was I even on these things because of the fucking stupid doctors here, one of those was blaiming me for sending a mail that now or at the time cited: now it is 7 days that you left me without benzos with health insurance and a job, I lost a job because of this dear doctor and why because if I dont as my colleague said that people love me there I said yeah you guys but stigma is to high still, and I said to friend colleague that I would like to loose it as job was like 3 steps beneath my qualification, so doctor did 2cnd thing, like terminated my leave but my cc was bcc to my psych who is not private she is also the head of hospital as guy a professor who is also some head but I don't like him very much as he thinks that people drink moonshines but I said yeah you watch to many movies prof.dr. CWE here is almost barely possible and DXM as other deliriants are hard to find. but the family doctor was at like brink of retirenment, and she dared to like send e-mail to me that she lost half her pension or something.....While making me fucked 3 jobs, took my licence when was out of benzos and gave me almost SS., so yeah and fuck her god willing she dies choking while I watch, now again a year had passed and I'm in intradose withdrawal till monday, so

So if I don't lack courage and also started to programm again said to father that money will be coming and it did last month he is like any other fucking Balkan from where, how I cant do that? I say nothing he asks again and I say If you as others just said ok i know you will as we agreed he, forgot in a first month why I bought PCs and after 6 maybe I should find a job which I did went to inbterview said I'm addicted to pregabalin and once or twice a year or more often if I will have a gun and feel withdrawal I will warn them!, without the morbid killing joke ofcourse, they or guy said he will call me I was laughing like you did man I didnt even ask for job I came here to ask you if you need services of like putting some info or web-design but I stopped myself on info thinkin to myself fuckin pawn con-man-fuck you all

stay safe
 
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