So ultimately the thing with existence inside of the death knell of age of industry. Is we are all spending so much time keeping busy, so we can keep the lights on,
keep the rent paid, our bellies full. We are quite literally working harder than medieval farmers, or maybe not harder but definitely longer hours. That, i can say for certain.
So, i just got out of a very long relationship with the woman i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with because she got pregnant with my "best friends kid".
I never wanted children, just didn't. I enjoy sex, and i'm definitely a hedonist, but the idea of having a child still at my age, it seems line an anchor especially when it comes to the construct of
How expensive it is to just exist in the damn world. I want to be a good father, and give my offspring everything i can. But i can't do that if i don't want it now. So yeah, my best friend and her,
because i have a very well paying job were both pretty much trying to manipulate me into staying. That's a comedy routine if i ever heard one considering when the truth comes clean and my partner who never had a job, who i supported the entire time... Lets just say, I moved. Just, drove the uhaul up to the house we were renting and i just started packing. I said look, i've told the landlord, im moving. I have the lease. You can take it over, but I am leaving. Since moving, my job has moved to online, and i've been self isolating. I took my cats, everything i hold dear, and i've not found a reason to socialize. Truthfully thats fine. everyone if they can afford it, or have the luxury of being able to work from home, should have the ability to disconnect. a Human being who cannot sit alone with themselves, is obviously in bad company and if you don't love yourself enough to learn how to be with just yourself, and examine your thoughts, your feelings, seperate from people... then you're basically just an ant. Criticial self development emerges within those isolatory moments of reclusiveness, and so much of culture is driven with keeping us automated in a perpetual construct. All i can say is, I ride bikes, I do Drugs, i've got my hobbies, i've got my goals. I've not gone out to the bar, or truthfully really gone on to much social media. I go down to the beach sometimes on moonlit nights and just cry because i need to. I think i've been to 3 concerts in the past year as an escape. One Rave. truthfully, my desires, my hopes, for things now that i am doing them only for me.... when im ready, i know it's going to be good, because this iteration of me... doesn't want to stumble into a nullified, yes man, for a community that ultimately seeks to manipulate and abuse his good nature. I've joked with a few people who've reached out about how im entering my villan era. It's not a bad thing, to want to do things for you. Just don't hurt anyone ya know. But even in your darkest most static void ridden moments, don't forget to do things for yourself. Take up new interests and hobbies even if you realize it fucking sucks, because ya know what. It keeps you learning, constructive. True Brainrot, is doing nothing. That is a fact. Sure you're doomscrolling but what else are you gonna do, Hopefully along that trial of your mouth dries, due to the dopamine release and your thumb develops a stiffen callous that clicks against the screen, you find something within the swamp that at least inspires you down a path that exhibits some knowledge or truth, or comedy into those moments when you cannot seek it from within. The other thing is books. Read Books. Actually go and buy a book. Hold them for what they are. Read from physical books. I don't want to say the past is the game changer but really, fuck reading books online. It's not the same.
