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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I have no friends, no boyfriend and no prospect of finding either...

because i'm unable to make friends in person, pretty much all of my friends, i've met through the internet, more specifically through bluelight. i've met some of the most amazing people through here, and while it sucks that almost all of them live all across teh country and not anywhere near me, which still often leaves me with crippling loneliness, its helps that have people to talk to, that i have a real connection with.

i know a lot of bluelighters in california. just keep posting and hopefully there'll be people you can connect with, and then you can start talking through pm or off-board.
 
fuckin dont let ya job get ya down girl. Think how hard it is for me to talk to a girl "hey I kill people for a living"

If they are so fast to judge, fuck em...send em my way and I'll enjoy bayonetting them.

not quite the same as IRL, but if you wanna chat/email/ect I'd be glad to tell you war stores at 0400 while tweeking balls...and I might listen now and then too.
 
rangrz said:
fuckin dont let ya job get ya down girl. Think how hard it is for me to talk to a girl "hey I kill people for a living"
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thats why i use that line as a joke. it probably helps that i've never actually had to kill anyone, but it certainly is written in my job description that i'm required to kill as needed. :\

spin is a wonderful skill to pick up.
 
mrs_mia_wallace said:
I don't know if this is SLR or DS but I think more DS...

For anyone who hasn't read my posts I started stripping about five and a half months ago after I was laid off from my job and kicked out of my parents house (after they caught me using for the millionth time).

I really like my job and I am making insanely good money at the moment (averaging about $3,000 a week). I don't envision myself doing it forever obviously but until I finish school and decide what I want to do, or find a coaching position at the same level I was at before I'm happy doing what I'm doing.

I have no moral qualms with what I do but I don't want to subject myself to being judged by the rest of the world and being labeled a whore or a prostitute or assumed to be some manipulative hopeless junkie, or to have to deal with guys assuming "well she's a stripper, she'll sleep with anybody." So I feel like I am constantly hiding who I am from the world during the day, which if I was working some boring job that didn't affect me very much I would't really care about....but this job is such a huge part of my life and so emmotionally tolling (good and bad) by lying and telling someone I'm a waitress or a hotel clerk I feel like I'm leaving out a huge part of my life and who I am.

The fact that I have such bizare hours (I work from 8pm-4am on the weekends and until 2 am on the weekdays, I sleep from 5 or 7 am to 3 pm) and on all the nights people go out has made me completely dissconnected from my old friends (and the fact that I know some of them won't approve of me stripping) and the ones I had have basically forgotten about me and I feel like they're in another world. My family won't speak to me and I honestly have no desire to work on building a relationship with any of them. And with my mother on a rampage to make sure everyone thinks I'm a completely hopeless whoring drug addict it's pretty impossible anyway....

I haven't made any new friends because the only people I meet are dancers (and every one I've become close to has either been way too fucked up on drugs for me to handle, a total mess, or insanely manipulative and backstabbing) customers (who always seem to have somethig wrong with them, are assholes or just expect sex) and other staff members (who are just as bad if not worse than the customers).

I am honestly the loneliest I have ever been in my life. I have one customer-- who is basically the only person I would consider a friend and someone I get support from, I love this man-- who comes in once a week and I make between 2,000 and 2,500 from... I could easily live off just his visits but I go in to work five nights a week because I have nothing else to do and would rather be at the club than sitting alone in my apartment thinking about how miserable I am. I don't want to give up my job but my life feels so EMPTY all the time I feel like I'm really at the end of my rope. I can't go back to school until next semester and so I feel like I'm not stimulated in any way or that my life has direction at this moment, and I have no meaningfull relationships in my life besides the one with this customer (who is married and totally unavailable). I'm good friends with everyone that I work with but it seems like they all live the same way that I do and it just doesn't bother them.

This is a fucking long post but I really don't know what to do, this week has been the worst and I am getting more and more depressed and lonely every week, I can't take this shit anymore.
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A job is a job is a job, I wish I was making your cash about right now, but hey such is life.
Hey if your ever looking for someone who is non-judgemental about anything then gimme a shout and we can chat anytime. People say that, I know, but I am truely non-judgemental and don't give a shit about what you do for a living or drug usage or anything. I go by the individual person, if you are cool and treat ME with respect/be nice, then I am nice to you. That`s how it should be, but the world didn`t get the memo yet I guess...

PM me anytime for a chat =D
 
Sentience said:
I hate to say this for fear of making you feel worse, but this is a sure sign that you are becoming jaded. Its one thing to not like the bar scene, but my impression is that you are accumulating baggage that you are carrying with you outside of work....and I have nothing against your work and dont think this automatically happens to everyone, but when you start projecting your work onto other men or start feeling like you should take advantage of other men outside of work or feel like you are getting ripped off if you give a guy who honestly likes you your time without material compensation, then you need to take a serious step back and reflect on where that is coming from. Its not a healthy perspective and it can get worse over time if you allow it to. You should be able to appreciate those around you for who they are and be able to experience love in the present moment without the emotional baggage.

Im not saying you are doing all of the above, but that is potentially what can happen over time to some people but not everyone.

I mean this as respectfully as I possibly can. I believe you are strong enough to work through this but you need to become aware of these patterns before they stick.
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How did you get that from I don't want to deal with drunk men?

I don't know what you do for a living, but if you work in an office, would you want to go and hang out in offices when you're not at work? If you work in a restaraunt, would you want to hang out in them all the time off work? I basically work in a club enviroment and I was really over clubs before I started working in SCs. I don't like getting wasted, I don't like dealing with people who are wasted, I don't think it's fun. On my time off from work I want to be with sober people interested in having a real conversation. I deal with drunk men at work because that's my job, I don't pariticuarly want to do something I don't like for free.

Thank you to the rest of you for your kind words. And yes rangz I have to admit, I would rather say I take my clothes off for a living than I kill people for a living. ;)
 
There was a little more to what you said than just being sick of bars. It was the comment about being around drunk men for free also combined with your feelings of not being able to connect with men on a more personal level.

And Im not saying that you are necessarily like what I described, but I have seen it happen like that to lots of people and its something you should pay attention to if you see it happening to yourself. If not, then just ignore everything I said.
 
A lot of your issues are mental. And your career choice is by default going to alienate you. Very few people respect strippers, as they are looked upon as whores. What you need to do is use this time to be proactive with your life. Just make the money you need to make your way through college, and move on. You say you love your job...but by reading between the lines, I see a very different story.

You need to start setting goals for yourself. I would say the first one is to get off of the drugs entirely. They can be at the heart of what is poisoning your mind. And do not make yourself emotionally available to your clientele. They are only there for one reason, although collectively the reasons may be different. A few may genuinely respect you, but the majority only objectify you. Plus, you cannot do this job forever. Everyone's body ages and changes, and you will need to develop a side of yourself that extends beyond the body. You need to shape your mind and structure your life. You need to prepare for some serious mental housecleaning.

It's not easy to live in this world, but we all have to. You just need to remove yourself from all that is dragging you down. You may have to go back to a job that doesn't pay as well. Money isn't the root of happiness. Look at you...making almost 10 grand a month, and yet posting about how absolutely unhappy you are. The key to life is to find something you enjoy and pursue it with determination. Easier said than done, I know, but it is a must.
 
Mia it sounds like part of your problem is that you are letting your own feelings about your situation affect how you act and relate to others. You feel guilty about "living a lie" so you shut yourself off from the rest of the world. If I were you I would just be honest about your current job... anyone who's got a problem with it then they are just judgmental fuckers who you don't wanna hang around anyway.

It is easier said than done and I am no psychiatrist but I would stop letting yourself feel so guilty about everything. You are making great money and even though money isn't everything - it is still important especially during these times. Problems can be largely mental, if you maintain a positive attitude and be happy for the things you DO have and CAN control I think that will carry over to other aspects of your life.

Just keep on keepin on. You'll get where u wanna get soon enough. Good luck!
 
believe in yourself.love yourself.because you are worth it....look at how many people here care-all these posts-ppl trying to lift you up.you are not alone and you are loved.


much peace n love.........skillz

hang in there.you're gonna make it!!!! <3
 
yeah, there aren't enough self-help books out there with that advice. i'd just like to add, mia, that i'm also here for you if you need someone to talk, although i'll be fortright and admit i'd use the opportunity to solicit work pics from you ;) jokes and half-jokes aside, you sound like the perfect candidate for getting involved in some community project.

it's a good way to get to know good people, and unlike the nightlife scene where you don't get much time to make any of an impression you're bound to the same group of people for a while in community projects so you can proudly tell them you're a stripper up front then let them absorb your true personality over a period of time.

did i mention it's a good way to meet good people? no wasting time on fly-by-nighters, and when the project ends you have the bonus of feeling good about doing the work and also an extra little something to put on your resumé that'll look good when you do finish school and start looking for a serious career. and you're gonna NEED that given that you'll want to leave your current occupation out of it. start looking at those boards (bulletin boards not bluelight :p) and you're bound to find something that can work with your schedule
 
From my own experiences, strippers and prostitutes (I was the latter) can get very lonely - despite all the people we come into contact with. We make plenty of acquaintances, but it's difficult to find true friends in that line of work. I guess for me, the late hours I worked and the lack of physical/mental energy from the job made it difficult to go out to clubs and bars. Plus I was starting to get a reputation. I'd go into a club or a bar, and a lot of people would know me. Hell, I'd often bump into clients of mine in those places... it was very difficult to get away from it all and just meet normal people who I had no previous associations with. Fortunately I did find myself a boyfriend while I was working, and he was quite accepting of it. He knew I loved him, and my job was only business. Eventually I gave up the job due to a few bad experiences, but I also wanted to be monogamous with my boyfriend. For unrelated reasons, that relationship has now come to an end though.
 
Fuck, I wish I could be male stripper for like 2 years, then invest all the money in mutual funds and high dividend stocks.
 
I think I have a very different life from you yet I feel exactly the same. Sometimes even though nothing changes just the passing of time makes me feel more alone. Maybe its that I'm wasting what I'm told should be the best years of my life? I make a lot of money, despite spending a huge amount feeding my addiction I still live well, I have friends at work, I hang out with them outside of work every now and then, but I'm just not close to them. I think back to high school, or college, times when I was happy and it was really because I had a lot of friends that I really loved and cared about. People I trusted and was happy just to be in the same room with. After college I lost all of that, I live in a different city from everybody I felt close to. Its hard to find, how do you find that again? I have no idea how I found it the first time. I don't like bars, I don't like clubs, I don't like alcohol. If I go out with some friends after work I both feel alone and want to go home to be alone and get high at the same time. I absolutely don't feel like I'll ever meet somebody in a club, yet thats where most people go.

I think it also has a little to do with the city we live in. SF has a large night scene and thats just what everybody in our generation does. I assume you work in one of the places on Broadway in north beach. That area is so crowded at night, so many clubs, restaurants, so many people having fun at night. Its easy to get jealous, they look pretty happy (whether they are or not is another matter).

So fuck em all, you gotta get out and do things during the day. I've been trying more and more lately to force myself out of the apartment during the day on weekends, for any reason whatsoever. Theres a world full of fun things to do, most of them you can do by yourself, but almost all of them you have to do during the day. And you meet different people that way too, a lot of those people getting drunk at night don't do anything interesting during the day. You have some money to spend, spend it on yourself, on some hobbies, some fun activities, rekindle old interests or try some new crazy things. Yeah its hard to do new things by yourself, its a vicious cycle, not doing things cause you're alone and being alone because you don't meet people, not meeting people cause you don't do things. And definitely go back to school. Forming relationships really is hard once you aren't in school anymore.

As for the stripping, could you ever really have a relationship (friend or sexual) with somebody who didn't know and accept it? Also its not just your job mia, you probably hide a lot more than that about yourself. Do you tell people about your drug use? I feel like nobody could really know me unless they know my addiction. As much as I hate it it does have a significant impact on my life. I couldn't be close to somebody without them noticing me waking up early every morning in withdrawal. You can keep secrets, but the bigger they are the further away everybody else gets. So I suppose now people here know me better than people I know in real life. And we all know you pretty well too. That wasn't so hard, was it?
 
Where have you been all my life <3

I find it interesting there's a bunch of people walkin around on the earth looking for one another =)
 
I can just agree with my previous speakers mrs mia wallace. From your posts i can tell that you are smart, caring, funny and someone to party with. You are obviously good looking working at a strip club. What more can anyone ask for???

I would be TOTALLY GLAD if I had you in my life.

Best regards from Austria, the heart of the Alps sends downward spiral
 
I live in San Francisco too! i Sobered up a few months ago, so nowadays i like to do normal people things again! i like to go to the park, go to shows (lots of electro shows here in SF!), check out movies, go to the beach (i live in the Sunset so its easy), go to open mics... man we live in the most fun city there is! If you want to hang out sometime I'm sure we could have some fun - hang at hippie hill on a sunny day?? anyways WE don't have to hang if you don't want, but i can give you advice on places to go in the city. I've never even been to a strip club so don't worry about me knowing you hahah.
Ps- what drugs are you having problems with?? i know the opiate scene here is fucking huge, it sucked me in for a long time...
btw i am 23 y/o.
 
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