FutureReference
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 15, 2019
- Messages
- 307
Not going to depress anybody and don't want sympathy just am at a loss. A girl I know who is married came through with blow. Like a lot. Over 3G. I hadn't slept for 58 hours but slept last night at 7:30PM and got up normal time 8:30AM.
I want to die and please don't tell me to go to a hospital. I have planned it out before but am trying to want to live. That is the issue here.
I took my normal dose of 20MG Oxy to get out of bed, and 2MG of Clonazepam.
Literally do not know what happened. She came here at 10AM and left at 1AM. I don't like stimulants but I hadn't seen her in years so did a line whenever she did. Needless to say all of it was gone.
I am a bit manic and need or hope somebody answers soon.
At about 3PM I started overheating. Like sweating disgusting. The blow wasn't bad obviously but where I am, what does that mean? Who knows? Whatever. Whatever was cut with was evil. She knows I have PTSD and suicidal ideations but she is 1 of 2 friends I respond to. She convinced me I was in both withdrawals (?) so I took 10MG Oxy and sublingual 1MG Clonazepam. She said we would be done because the comedown wouldn't be bad. I took a FREEZING shower for about 25 minutes and she was waiting outside the door. Open the door, more lines she has out.
I am a morally sound person, and I guess the blow contributed to lonlineless so I cuddled with her for literally 3 minutes. Realized I never have a chance with her and then the blow was gone.
Now the loneliness sets in. I am prepared, but no I am not. She gave me a Norco 10MG which helped with RLS but God damn if I don't want to die.
The only other girl I speak to is married as well but in her case she said she loves me and marriage has been bumpy etc but she doesn't realize, or maybe she does. I'm close to gone. She video chats me all day until her husband gets home. But he doesnt wear a ring and neither does she? Marriage has been "done for 2 years", but literally she throws the phone across the room when he gets home.
She has a daughter and I have had codependency issues in the past but I realized like an epiphany that I'm just an option. If she was done with him, why would she hide me? Same with my friend today, why did she lie about where she was?
Whoever read that thank you. But
TLDR;
Never do blow, I am prescribed Clonazepam and Temazepam but I took Temazepam 3 days ago and am convinced it triggered the deep insomnia and vivid thoughts. I want to die, realize I am an empath and feel things on too deep a level. The problem now is, I see clearly.
I am hidden from people and people use me to hear them out and don't realize I absorb that energy and I don't know. I feel worthless but I do without blow too.
I legitimately want to die due to the things I've seen and pain but I do remember my day of blow and how it makes these thoughts worsen.
It is 3 30AM. Do I stay awake or play with fire and take a benzo? Blow has been done for hours and I honestly wish I took all my pills at once and just died but now I have clarity.
Tomorrow is Sunday, where the girl I talk to "husband doesn't work" so I won't talk to her at all. Because she is a liar and probably just is leading me on. Her marriage is fine. Nobody cares about me
Dont say you love somebody if it isn't true. My friend even said it when she left on the way to her perfect life with her husband and 3 kids. "I wish things were different my hands are tied "
I am so done with living I love all you guys especially the ones who truly care but yeah. I have cooled down temperature wise, but the intrusive thoughts are worse than ever before and i am close to calling it quits.
Not just the blow... maybe that strengthened these thoughts but man when it wore off I felt like a piece of fucking garbage. Like I am hidden from the world and I just idk man I don't know
Should I listen to music and stay awake and start my day at 6AM or something or take Temaz or Clonaz or?
I really am sorry for writing all of this but if I didn't I'd be dead. Life gets to a point it's just
...
I want to die and please don't tell me to go to a hospital. I have planned it out before but am trying to want to live. That is the issue here.
I took my normal dose of 20MG Oxy to get out of bed, and 2MG of Clonazepam.
Literally do not know what happened. She came here at 10AM and left at 1AM. I don't like stimulants but I hadn't seen her in years so did a line whenever she did. Needless to say all of it was gone.
I am a bit manic and need or hope somebody answers soon.
At about 3PM I started overheating. Like sweating disgusting. The blow wasn't bad obviously but where I am, what does that mean? Who knows? Whatever. Whatever was cut with was evil. She knows I have PTSD and suicidal ideations but she is 1 of 2 friends I respond to. She convinced me I was in both withdrawals (?) so I took 10MG Oxy and sublingual 1MG Clonazepam. She said we would be done because the comedown wouldn't be bad. I took a FREEZING shower for about 25 minutes and she was waiting outside the door. Open the door, more lines she has out.
I am a morally sound person, and I guess the blow contributed to lonlineless so I cuddled with her for literally 3 minutes. Realized I never have a chance with her and then the blow was gone.
Now the loneliness sets in. I am prepared, but no I am not. She gave me a Norco 10MG which helped with RLS but God damn if I don't want to die.
The only other girl I speak to is married as well but in her case she said she loves me and marriage has been bumpy etc but she doesn't realize, or maybe she does. I'm close to gone. She video chats me all day until her husband gets home. But he doesnt wear a ring and neither does she? Marriage has been "done for 2 years", but literally she throws the phone across the room when he gets home.
She has a daughter and I have had codependency issues in the past but I realized like an epiphany that I'm just an option. If she was done with him, why would she hide me? Same with my friend today, why did she lie about where she was?
Whoever read that thank you. But
TLDR;
Never do blow, I am prescribed Clonazepam and Temazepam but I took Temazepam 3 days ago and am convinced it triggered the deep insomnia and vivid thoughts. I want to die, realize I am an empath and feel things on too deep a level. The problem now is, I see clearly.
I am hidden from people and people use me to hear them out and don't realize I absorb that energy and I don't know. I feel worthless but I do without blow too.
I legitimately want to die due to the things I've seen and pain but I do remember my day of blow and how it makes these thoughts worsen.
It is 3 30AM. Do I stay awake or play with fire and take a benzo? Blow has been done for hours and I honestly wish I took all my pills at once and just died but now I have clarity.
Tomorrow is Sunday, where the girl I talk to "husband doesn't work" so I won't talk to her at all. Because she is a liar and probably just is leading me on. Her marriage is fine. Nobody cares about me
Dont say you love somebody if it isn't true. My friend even said it when she left on the way to her perfect life with her husband and 3 kids. "I wish things were different my hands are tied "
I am so done with living I love all you guys especially the ones who truly care but yeah. I have cooled down temperature wise, but the intrusive thoughts are worse than ever before and i am close to calling it quits.
Not just the blow... maybe that strengthened these thoughts but man when it wore off I felt like a piece of fucking garbage. Like I am hidden from the world and I just idk man I don't know
Should I listen to music and stay awake and start my day at 6AM or something or take Temaz or Clonaz or?
I really am sorry for writing all of this but if I didn't I'd be dead. Life gets to a point it's just
...