• BASIC DRUG
    DISCUSSION
    Welcome to Bluelight!
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Benzo Chart Opioids Chart
    Drug Terms Need Help??
    Drugs 101 Brain & Addiction
    Tired of your habit? Struggling to cope?
    Want to regain control or get sober?
    Visit our Recovery Support Forums
  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards | negrogesic

Cocaine I hate this

FutureReference

FutureReference

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 15, 2019
Messages
307
Not going to depress anybody and don't want sympathy just am at a loss. A girl I know who is married came through with blow. Like a lot. Over 3G. I hadn't slept for 58 hours but slept last night at 7:30PM and got up normal time 8:30AM.

I want to die and please don't tell me to go to a hospital. I have planned it out before but am trying to want to live. That is the issue here.

I took my normal dose of 20MG Oxy to get out of bed, and 2MG of Clonazepam.

Literally do not know what happened. She came here at 10AM and left at 1AM. I don't like stimulants but I hadn't seen her in years so did a line whenever she did. Needless to say all of it was gone.

I am a bit manic and need or hope somebody answers soon.

At about 3PM I started overheating. Like sweating disgusting. The blow wasn't bad obviously but where I am, what does that mean? Who knows? Whatever. Whatever was cut with was evil. She knows I have PTSD and suicidal ideations but she is 1 of 2 friends I respond to. She convinced me I was in both withdrawals (?) so I took 10MG Oxy and sublingual 1MG Clonazepam. She said we would be done because the comedown wouldn't be bad. I took a FREEZING shower for about 25 minutes and she was waiting outside the door. Open the door, more lines she has out.

I am a morally sound person, and I guess the blow contributed to lonlineless so I cuddled with her for literally 3 minutes. Realized I never have a chance with her and then the blow was gone.

Now the loneliness sets in. I am prepared, but no I am not. She gave me a Norco 10MG which helped with RLS but God damn if I don't want to die.

The only other girl I speak to is married as well but in her case she said she loves me and marriage has been bumpy etc but she doesn't realize, or maybe she does. I'm close to gone. She video chats me all day until her husband gets home. But he doesnt wear a ring and neither does she? Marriage has been "done for 2 years", but literally she throws the phone across the room when he gets home.

She has a daughter and I have had codependency issues in the past but I realized like an epiphany that I'm just an option. If she was done with him, why would she hide me? Same with my friend today, why did she lie about where she was?

Whoever read that thank you. But

TLDR;

Never do blow, I am prescribed Clonazepam and Temazepam but I took Temazepam 3 days ago and am convinced it triggered the deep insomnia and vivid thoughts. I want to die, realize I am an empath and feel things on too deep a level. The problem now is, I see clearly.

I am hidden from people and people use me to hear them out and don't realize I absorb that energy and I don't know. I feel worthless but I do without blow too.

I legitimately want to die due to the things I've seen and pain but I do remember my day of blow and how it makes these thoughts worsen.

It is 3 30AM. Do I stay awake or play with fire and take a benzo? Blow has been done for hours and I honestly wish I took all my pills at once and just died but now I have clarity.

Tomorrow is Sunday, where the girl I talk to "husband doesn't work" so I won't talk to her at all. Because she is a liar and probably just is leading me on. Her marriage is fine. Nobody cares about me

Dont say you love somebody if it isn't true. My friend even said it when she left on the way to her perfect life with her husband and 3 kids. "I wish things were different my hands are tied "

I am so done with living I love all you guys especially the ones who truly care but yeah. I have cooled down temperature wise, but the intrusive thoughts are worse than ever before and i am close to calling it quits.

Not just the blow... maybe that strengthened these thoughts but man when it wore off I felt like a piece of fucking garbage. Like I am hidden from the world and I just idk man I don't know

Should I listen to music and stay awake and start my day at 6AM or something or take Temaz or Clonaz or?

I really am sorry for writing all of this but if I didn't I'd be dead. Life gets to a point it's just
...
 
You are okay Future.

I just happened to be up, having a bad pain night myself.

I think the mixture of the drugs is not a good thing for you. The coke should wear off soon and you need to sleep.
You will feel better after some sleep. Don’t worry about all this right now.

Drink some water and take deep breaths.
 
its common. i deal with this every single day pretty much. i advise you to double your oxy i know your history, you wont have to worry about adverse effects, and try to snooze for a day, it'll be tough for about 1-3 days. typical stimulant withdrawal.
 
Painful One said:
You are okay Future.

I just happened to be up, having a bad pain night myself.

I think the mixture of the drugs is not a good thing for you. The coke should wear off soon and you need to sleep.
You will feel better after some sleep. Don’t worry about all this right now.

Drink some water and take deep breaths.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling to sleep. You have always been there since Day 1 and understand a lot about me. The playing with fire comment isn't due to risk of OD, I just have 3 or 4 days a week where I can't sleep and am convinced Temazepam doesn't help. I am trying my best to fight these thoughts but it is a war I am losing
 
Zonxx said:
its common. i deal with this every single day pretty much. i advise you to double your oxy i know your history, you wont have to worry about adverse effects, and try to snooze for a day, it'll be tough for about 1-3 days. typical stimulant withdrawal.
Click to expand...

Bro I don't know what to do. I am actually happy I only took 30MG throughout the day and she gave me the Norco so the pain isn't terrible but the mental anguish and this feeling of being alone is too much now man. I took the Norco about an hour ago after she left and took 2 showers and my RLS isn't terrible but man these thoughts are really a battlefield man. I can't figure out what to do man I feel like I'm on my way out brother.
 
I know. It is hard as hell having PTSD and chronic pain, injury.
It does feel like the world has left us behind. I can’t keep up with it anyway.

Breathing deeply in through the nose and out through the mouth helps to reset your thoughts and calms anxiety down.

Realize that everything is being amplified because of the stimulants. Things are not as bad as they seem to you right now.
Try to relax, you are not alone.
❤️
 
Painful One said:
I know. It is hard as hell having PTSD and chronic pain, injury.
It does feel like the world has left us behind. I can’t keep up with it anyway.

Breathing deeply in through the nose and out through the mouth helps to reset your thoughts and calms anxiety down.

Realize that everything is being amplified because of the stimulants. Things are not as bad as they seem to you right now.
Try to relax, you are not alone.
❤
Click to expand...
yep, let's all grab a bucket and bail water outta the boat so it doesn't sink!
 
i need a hug, but i'd love to have a group hug, yes i may be trying to distract you from bailing water muhahaha :devilish:
 
I know sleep deprivation isn't good but how much will stimulant use make it worse? I know they say after 24 hours or 36 I forget but you have the clarity of somebody with a BAC of 0.1. I hate the wait for "normal people hours" but I have learned to love the clarity at 36 hours. I have to because I can't control it but I haven't done any stimulants in so long I have no idea if ideations will be worsened tomorrow.

The worst feeling is laying there unable to sleep. I cannot explain to people the severity of the PTSD I have and they try to numb me with Benzos but I am alert and at a loss. I know the best advice is to sleep but I cannot and get depressed when i actively take a medication prescribed for sleep that doesn't work. It makes me feel weaker than i do.

Regardless of what happens i appreciate both of you. I know I'm not alone in my struggle but I am alone in my life. Just at the point of
 
FutureReference said:
I know sleep deprivation isn't good but how much will stimulant use make it worse? I know they say after 24 hours or 36 I forget but you have the clarity of somebody with a BAC of 0.1. I hate the wait for "normal people hours" but I have learned to love the clarity at 36 hours. I have to because I can't control it but I haven't done any stimulants in so long I have no idea if ideations will be worsened tomorrow.

The worst feeling is laying there unable to sleep. I cannot explain to people the severity of the PTSD I have and they try to numb me with Benzos but I am alert and at a loss. I know the best advice is to sleep but I cannot and get depressed when i actively take a medication prescribed for sleep that doesn't work. It makes me feel weaker than i do.

Regardless of what happens i appreciate both of you. I know I'm not alone in my struggle but I am alone in my life. Just at the point of
Click to expand...
you said you had benzos i think right? i take 2-6mg kpins after being on a crack binge for a few days and it usually takes 4mg and i'm out, i'm kinda fucked up right now or id have said this sooner, i apologize i treated myself to well, thats irrelevant, but theres no danger with this stigma pertaining to 'speedball' if there was a danger i'd have died 100000x by now, the danger is if you use stims and a downer too close to one another, and you confuse your body, but as far as i'm concerned 15min-30min apart and you're good to go. all i advise is not to get into a habit of that i only actually resort to this once in a blue moon.
 
Well, we will swim then.

just relax guys!

I do not touch stimulants. I’m anxious enough without anything added.
I am on 20 mg ambian right now and 1 mg clonazepam, 30 mg MS Contin and am wide awake. Lol!

Maybe I will tease Zonxx for my entertainment. Haha!

Love you guys! Hang in there.
 
Painful One said:
Well, we will swim then.

just relax guys!

I do not touch stimulants. I’m anxious enough without anything added.
I am on 20 mg ambian right now and 1 mg clonazepam, 30 mg MS Contin and am wide awake. Lol!

Maybe I will tease Zonxx for my entertainment. Haha!

Love you guys! Hang in there.
Click to expand...
oooo will not say no to that, infact i say bring it on babe!:love::devilish:
 
nuttynutskin said:

empath protection - YouTube

Geniet van je favoriete video's en muziek, upload originele content en deel alles met vrienden, familie en anderen op YouTube.
www.youtube.com www.youtube.com
Click to expand...

I seriously appreciate this. I didn't believe in God, energy, etc until an old friend who practiced Occultism literally walked on air in front of me. I have always been sensitive to emotion but love helping people to a fault. Thank you.

draculic acid69 said:
Itll pass just keep that in mind.it will get better. Also Try some breathing exercises.
Click to expand...

Thank you man. I feel alone and was going to just end it but I am feeling slightly better now. Its 5AM, I took my Clonazepam but I swear the PTSD makes insomnia different. I will never do blow again, it's bad enough without this.

One thing though man, I keep to myself so I haven't been sick in a while. My anxiety rises when I cannot breathe and man 4 showers later and blowing my nose 50x hasn't helped. I can't sleep breathing out of my mouth and don't have one of those devices that put saline water in one nostril and out the other.

I am about 4 hours away from normal dose time for painkillers and I hope the suicidal thoughts fade but do you have any advice on clearing my nose? All day she would put water and complain it was stuffed but I avoided all of it until it was done and now I cant breathe at all man.

Will it pass on it's own? Also I've been up for over 6 days due to the PTSD but I genuinely hate Stimulants. Will staying awake for around 48 hours be stressful? Its already about 24 and I'm much more clearheaded than when I made this post. Thank all of you because I had it loaded and was ready to go but you talked to me and didn't have to
 
Thank God you are okay!

I honestly don’t know what I would do without you!
(no one can understand this stuff except another who deals With it!)
There was a good reason I couldn’t sleep!

I hope you are feeling better. Breathe in some steam with some vicks vapor rub or even some steam with some peppermint oil and you should be able to breathe a lot better.

Did you manage to get any sleep?
I hope so. I was able to get some.

My senses were telling me something was wrong.
and helping people is never a fault!

❤
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top