I fucked my bestfriend up.

[ILikeSub]

Im not sure if this is the right place but I think it is.|

Not long ago I introduced my bestfriend,who we will refer to as,J,to IV cocaine and Buprenorphine.
He liked it,of course.

Now for the past 5 days he wont return my calls or anything and I just heard from another friend who hangs with both of us that he has being shooting up hydromorphone/other opiates everyday.

I feel so fuckin terrible.If I would have never shot him up and shown him everything he wouldnt have started this.
He wont return my calls or texts and I know why.
Its because he is getting high/chasing the needle and doesnt want me to know for whatever reason.

I,myself,am a daily IV buprenorphine user who dabbles in full opiod agonists once every two weeks[my payday].
I indulge in Heroin usually since I get a badass deal on it.
Anyways,

Im losing sleep over this.I feel so guilty for ever doing this to him.
What kind of fucked up "friend" introduces what he considers his bestfriend in the whole world to needles?
I feel like shit,I am shit,I am scum that deserves to..Idk.
I can't cry,i cant even FUCKING CRY!
Ever since I was younger when I cried alot during my younger teen years[im 21 now] I havent bein able to cry.
Not long ago my dad got drunk,throow scolding hot coffee in my face and bashed a coffee cup over the back of my head which caused me to bleed LIKE CRAZY for about to hours and even then I couldnt cry.

And not being able to cry makes me feel so much worse.

I just needed to vent...somewhere..somehow..
I feel like there is a knife in my chest.My hurts just ahces like crazy because of what Ive done.

What if he overdoses and even dies from overdose?
Itll be my fault..

Like I said,I jus needed to spill my guts somwhere I guess.
Any feedback is appreciated.
I cant sleep and I have to work a 11 hour shift in about 6 hours but whatever im here for replies,if I get any.
Thanks for reading and sharing in my pain.

 

[ILikeSub]

AND I SWEAR TO GOD IF SPONGEBOB ISNT ON LIKE IT SHOULLD BE IN 20 MINUTES IMM GONNA LOSE MY MIND!
[thoughd id add a little humor,although i still feel terrible,lol..]

 

[TheLostBoys]

Umm...yeah its definitely a mind f**k after introducing a good friend to something like this & seeing him/her get out of control. I introduced my cousin to horse racing & I watched him lose $150,000 in cash in 2 years betting on horses. That was all his savings that he saved from working since he was 13 years old & he started gambling at the age of 20. I helped him count that money & take it to the bank & put it in a safe deposit box the year before he started gambling so I know he lost that much.

Do I feel guilty about it? Hmm.....no not really, shit happens & he was gonna gamble in something whether it was poker, sports or horses, anyway, I dont think its as bad as showing the way of the needle but thats just me.

As far as your friend, you didnt stick a gun to his head so hes gotta take most of the blame. He could have easily said, dont show me that shit. Ive had only 1 friend that shot up & no one has ever shot up around me.

If he overdoses or dies, you will feel very guilty. I introduced a girl I use to date to coke & I didnt even like that shit. Anyway, she loved it but I told her dont think you're gonna be doing this all the time, especially around me so she stopped using coke. I couldnt deal with it if I got her hooked on coke because I had a friend die in a car accident all coked up when I was 17 years old.

Just go talk to your friend & let him know you are concerned & that you would like him to take pre-cautions if hes gonna shoot up.

 

[insaneZeN08]

Its always risky introducing ur friends to something like That especially if they have an addictive personality. Have u tried going over to his house and getting ahold of him? Not to try n scare u or anything but I had a good friend that wad really bad into shooting up. it was typical for him to go 2 or 3 days without contact. It had been a week since anyone had heard from him so his sister went to his apartment n she found him in the bathroom with a needle still in his arm and no pulse. Drs said he had been gone for 2 days.

Its better safe than sorry to go check on him n him get pissed for u making sure he's okay. Hope everything works out for u both!

 

[8L4YN3]

Dont blame yourself evidently he would have tried it via learning from somewhere else. Though yeah i agree with you for the most part it's wrong to show people how to slam, but you may have saved him some trouble by teaching him to do it properly ect.

 

[etnies]

Fuck em' ....and everybody who looks like em'

 

[Legerity]

I can totally understand why you would feel guilty about what happened, but just as you are responsible for your own drug use others are responsible for their own.

Drug abuse is one potential compulsive behaviour among many. If your friend immediately developed a problem with a particular substance then that potential was there in the first place and could have manifested it itself in any number of ways.

Do let yourself cry if you can but there's no need to batter yourself or to blame yourself for what happened.

 

[ellua]

do you blame whoever helped you ease into your habit?

from your post, it's more likely you blame your father than your drug-using friends.

people who slide into the dark place your friend is in right now always get there one way or another, if it wasn't you showing them the way they would've found someone or something else that leads them down that same path anyway.

 

[ILikeSub]

I read all your replies and I thank you all for your words of wisdom.
Im prolly gonna kick it with him tomorrow.

I still partially blame myself tho everything you guys/gals have said is prety much spot on.
It helped me feel alot better.

THANK YOU ALL!

 

[ellua]

good luck.

it just occurred to me that the guy who showed me how to shoot up died last November (can you guess?), and i sometimes blamed myself for that because there was a point when he had been clean for a few weeks, and i got him right back into it... all the "what if?"s that plague me since then could easily bring me waaaaay down. the months leading up to his death, this friend was also blaming himself for the OD death of his brother & subsequent imprisonment of his best friend.

there's just no good ending if you think you're at fault for other people's choices... >.<

 

[Legerity]

Good to hear ILikeSub. Let us know how you're doing

 

[kroniic]

Champ all I can say it's not your fault, he is the one who should be wise enough not to. I can see where you're coming from though, you'd feel like shit, but at the end of the day he stuck the needles in his arms, you didn't force anything upon him.

 

[panic in paradise]

Im losing sleep over this.I feel so guilty for ever doing this to him.
What kind of fucked up "friend" introduces what he considers his bestfriend in the whole world to needles?

i was a fucked up person (and easily can be) who has had my share of the same thoughts, and circumstances.

this choice was wrong for myself, and both of us - the choice for me to decide to use a needle the first time was the wrong one i made for myself also - just as the choice for you to do so, probably was..?

maybe some-one tied you up, and pushed you off - BUT we reached out for it after all - what matters now is how much longer we keep reaching for a way out - rather then holding onto what we have done, and letting go. we often just do what we want to do; which we should be able to, but know now what needs have come of your wants and, set an example for your friend by being the person you obviously are; fully aware of your conscience, as most of us junkies are (the problem often times) and the emotions of others sometimes are reflected to hard extents, which may feel like a lack of control - it can be a lot to absorb, but even better yet, this is a lot more to reflect back as you as unique, and who tried and has won ,by continuing to do, what you know is right.





Edit:
as suggested by other posters - how much can you blame your original 'hook-up' ?

 

[ILikeSub]

I didnt get to see him today,he is still ignoring me =[
I understand tho,he is going through addiction,i jus wanna be there for my friend.
I myself am doing well.I about to pick up some solid subs and get faded and i texted him adn asked him if he wanted to indulge with me for free but no response =[

ellua,i am so sorry to hear that.I would probably cry if that happened to my friend.
As I said befopre,It takes ALOT to make me cry and usually i cant even if i want top but if that happened i probably would.

And Kronic,you are right,as the others are too.
Its hard not to blame yourself for stuff like that,you kno?

 

[ILikeSub]

i was a fucked up person (and easily can be) who has had my share of the same thoughts, and circumstances.

this choice was wrong for myself, and both of us - the choice for me to decide to use a needle the first time was the wrong one i made for myself also - just as the choice for you to do so, probably was..?

maybe some-one tied you up, and pushed you off - BUT we reached out for it after all - what matters now is how much longer we keep reaching for a way out - rather then holding onto what we have done, and letting go. we often just do what we want to do; which we should be able to, but know now what needs have come of your wants and, set an example for your friend by being the person you obviously are; fully aware of your conscience, as most of us junkies are (the problem often times) and the emotions of others sometimes are reflected to hard extents, which may feel like a lack of control - it can be a lot to absorb, but even better yet, this is a lot more to reflect back as you as unique, and who tried and has won ,by continuing to do, what you know is right.

Wow! That jujst blew my freakin mind you are soo right!
And I will continue to support him by being his friend NO MATTER WHAT!
Quiting before his very eyes would be the best but I am not strong enough to do that,yet.
I dont kno if ill ever be

 

[chitown rollin]

I did this to a friend inadvertently with ecstasy. He went into a severe depression for over a year after our binge. The whole time I wasn't experiencing any side effects for whatever reason, and I assumed he wasn't either. I was wrong. When we stopped he was messed up and I wasn't. I felt terrible. You have to realize that this person wanted to do the drugs and regardless of you showing him it first, he would have sought them out regardless. Take this as a lesson learned, sure, but don't beat yourself up about it.

ALSO, I'm happy Legerity got the mod position... always enjoyed reading his/her posts.

 

[ControlDenied]

i feel guilty about all the times ive infected friends with my love of opiates. they wer already fucked up, but it felt bad the first time someone od'd on pills i got them and ended up in the hospital. this happened again recently, except this time i didnt even care for some reason. luckily i did manage to refuse to shoot them up or show them how to. ive also never given someone their first taste of ANY drug even pot. yes, im proud of that at least.

you cant help but influence others negatively unless you put in an extra effort, that's the nature of your addiction. its the basic physics of drug abuse. it spreads, it's a social disease.

 

[slightlyst00pid]

I agree with everyone else, it isn't your fault. I had a best friend who actually told me he LOVED introducing people to coke for their first time. I watched him PRESSURE people into doing it plenty of times. He quit a few months ago but the majority of our friends are still doing it, some of which are full blown addicts. He doesn't feel bad at all. If anything he feels accomplished in some sick way. Now that I look back on it, I realize he used to give me free coke to keep me away from my other friends and to himself. He had some weird obsession with me, and knew I couldn't pass it up at the time. Now that's a shitty person.

 

[panic in paradise]

Wow! That jujst blew my freakin mind you are soo right!
And I will continue to support him by being his friend NO MATTER WHAT!
Quiting before his very eyes would be the best but I am not strong enough to do that,yet.
I dont kno if ill ever be

hehe, this is only what ive been lucky(?) enough to learn


... if that made enough sense to you - maybe let me help you paint yourself into a corner :: understand that the certainty i have that you can stop, is equal to the certainty that you have of your friends also.

 

[footscrazy]

My best friend bought a gram of smack, half for me. I was trying to get clean so I declined it, she shot it and died. I don't know, I don't feel guilty though I wish it was different. Everything is everyone's choice. Don't hold yourself responsible for someone else's life.