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Right...I've been debating whether to post this or not but I don't really have anyone else to turn to and this is starting to eat at me quite a bit.
As I've mentioned a few times before, I was raped a bit over a year ago. This triggered PTSD and was one of the main causes for my over-the-top drug use and trying to escape reality through heroin. I've been seeing a therapist about it for months but I've still successfully managed to escape the memories...for the most part. I don't feel strong enough to deal with it, so I don't.
Anyway, recent psychedelic trips have brought all of this to the forefront. I'm sure it's a good thing really - my mind telling me that I need to deal with it if I want any kind of chance of survival. But it's all come back in full blast and a lot of my behaviour this past year is now clear to me. I realised I seek constant validation from people (men especially) because I feel like since it happened, I'm not worth anything anymore. I'm broken, ruined. I have some kind of need for people to tell/show me I'm not, and that need, paradoxically, always makes me feel more broken and disgusting. I never really got why until these trips. Since I've realised all this I just feel...disgusting. I don't know how else to put it. I don't feel like I can ever be whole again - nor do I feel like I can ever be wanted or like I can ever have a normal, healthy relationship with someone again.
It's terrifying. I don't know how to deal with these memories. Heroin was a wonderful veil over them but with about one month clean now I have no escape. I feel trapped in this pitiful and unlovable identity, and I don't know what to do. If anyone has any kind of advice or experience...please.
As I've mentioned a few times before, I was raped a bit over a year ago. This triggered PTSD and was one of the main causes for my over-the-top drug use and trying to escape reality through heroin. I've been seeing a therapist about it for months but I've still successfully managed to escape the memories...for the most part. I don't feel strong enough to deal with it, so I don't.
Anyway, recent psychedelic trips have brought all of this to the forefront. I'm sure it's a good thing really - my mind telling me that I need to deal with it if I want any kind of chance of survival. But it's all come back in full blast and a lot of my behaviour this past year is now clear to me. I realised I seek constant validation from people (men especially) because I feel like since it happened, I'm not worth anything anymore. I'm broken, ruined. I have some kind of need for people to tell/show me I'm not, and that need, paradoxically, always makes me feel more broken and disgusting. I never really got why until these trips. Since I've realised all this I just feel...disgusting. I don't know how else to put it. I don't feel like I can ever be whole again - nor do I feel like I can ever be wanted or like I can ever have a normal, healthy relationship with someone again.
It's terrifying. I don't know how to deal with these memories. Heroin was a wonderful veil over them but with about one month clean now I have no escape. I feel trapped in this pitiful and unlovable identity, and I don't know what to do. If anyone has any kind of advice or experience...please.