TDS I feel ruined

[Pagey]

Right...I've been debating whether to post this or not but I don't really have anyone else to turn to and this is starting to eat at me quite a bit.
As I've mentioned a few times before, I was raped a bit over a year ago. This triggered PTSD and was one of the main causes for my over-the-top drug use and trying to escape reality through heroin. I've been seeing a therapist about it for months but I've still successfully managed to escape the memories...for the most part. I don't feel strong enough to deal with it, so I don't.

Anyway, recent psychedelic trips have brought all of this to the forefront. I'm sure it's a good thing really - my mind telling me that I need to deal with it if I want any kind of chance of survival. But it's all come back in full blast and a lot of my behaviour this past year is now clear to me. I realised I seek constant validation from people (men especially) because I feel like since it happened, I'm not worth anything anymore. I'm broken, ruined. I have some kind of need for people to tell/show me I'm not, and that need, paradoxically, always makes me feel more broken and disgusting. I never really got why until these trips. Since I've realised all this I just feel...disgusting. I don't know how else to put it. I don't feel like I can ever be whole again - nor do I feel like I can ever be wanted or like I can ever have a normal, healthy relationship with someone again.
It's terrifying. I don't know how to deal with these memories. Heroin was a wonderful veil over them but with about one month clean now I have no escape. I feel trapped in this pitiful and unlovable identity, and I don't know what to do. If anyone has any kind of advice or experience...please.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Forgive me if you have told me before, but I didn't know/forgot that you were raped Pagey. I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to you. I was raped by my ex during my sleep, and had been sexually abused twice prior to that. I definitely have PTSD (from an assortment of traumas; not just being sexually abused) as well.

I'm sure I was self-medicating for ADHD/my issues in general when I was using heroin, which led to me going through experiences which caused me to have PTSD for sure (if I had it before I started using heroin, I just didn't know that I did and it took even more trauma to get "there" so to speak).

The truth this though that you are strong enough to deal with this. You are infinitely stronger than you can even begin to imagine Pagey.

The only thing I could think to suggest for you wouldn't be appropriate for TDS, so I'll suggest you continue to exercise, eat well (some people with PTSD stop taking care of themselves/stop eating for prolonged periods of time, I'm not sure if you've ever experienced this or not), meditate, and believe in yourself.

PM me if you want any further guidance that wouldn't be appropriate to post about publicly in TDS.

 

[spork]

First of all, congrats on one month! That's huge and something you should be proud of. I certainly am proud of you, Pagey.

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this. It sounds like it's been absolute hell for you and you definitely don't deserve that. I know it might feel like you'll never find love now, but honey you will. You're an extremely loveable person with a beautiful soul. Try your best to accept yourself for the wonderful woman that you are, inside and out. I know that if someone else was in the same situation, you wouldn't think that they deserved any of this at all and that they should still love themselves. Please practice the self love you truly are entitled to and treat yourself with the same words and non judgmental thoughts that you would anyone else that may have been in the same shoes as you.

Have you thought about going to any support groups? It might be difficult to go to at first, but I think you could meet and potentially learn from people that know what you're going through.

Take care of yourself, love. You really do deserve to be treated well, by yourself and by others.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

but with about one month clean now

Oh wow I must have missed this part!

Pagey, you're doing AWESOME! I wish I could say I was a month clean (I mean I am... but I am and have been using buprenorphine for years now to stay off heroin/full agonists)... I guess I wish I could say I was a month clean without needing Suboxone.

That's simply amazing work. :D

 

[herbavore]

It certainly makes sense that you would be feeling this way. An experience like that shakes your trust for a long time. Masking things with heroin so soon after the event compounds what you will have to deal with now, but rest assured that you are dealing with it; this is what it feels like. The shame and sense of being unimportant are bubbling to the top of your consciousness and that is really where you need them in order to deal with them. In fact just coming out and writing it down and describing how you feel is a great first step. Be careful to distinguish between how you feel ("I feel disgusting") and immediately piling thoughts about the feeling on top of it and thereby entrenching the thought instead of observing and then releasing it ("I'm afraid I will never feel whole again".) Also, if these feelings existed before the rape and then were cemented that much more by the trauma it will help you to focus on the feelings in a broader way (how to deal with needing to be validated, especially by men). It is pretty common for straight women to have to go through this and come to terms with it but many never do. You are in a very strong position simply because of the courage you have to admit what you are feeling.

I think continuing with your therapist (and maybe some support groups?) and making sure that you are not masking anything or numbing anything with substances or other escapes will do you a world of good. I know that patience is hard won when you are younger but that is my other advice: don't expect to feel great overnight. You suffered a real trauma that opened an already fragile and vulnerable place in you that is probably really deep (your dad has never been much of an ally either) so give it time and all your focus.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

It helped me to talk about what I went through with a lot of people. Even people I may or may not ever get to talk to again, because there's nothing to be ashamed of or embarassed if you have been abused in life. No one asks for it, no one deserves it, it can happen to anyone, and I've gotten (mostly) a lot of back from people in real life.

 

[Beachcat]

Aww Pagey....

I really identify with a lot of what you are saying. Several things are coming to mind...this might be a little disjointed because I have not yet taken my add meds, so my mind is a little scrambled, but....

1. You are only one month off of heroin and the like. I am so proud of you, by the way. For me, two years of opiate abuse
left my brain completely unable to produce certain feel good chemicals for quite a while. Like a year, maybe? I am just now feeling good again, feeling emotions like joy. Feeling capable to take on the world. Granted, I do not have the PTSD element added in, but I think that you probably have some of this going on. Your brain is most likely chemically unbalanced at the moment, but if you give it time it will come back.

2. I was sexually assaulted at about the same age as you are now. It was the boyfriend of a close friend, so I "know" him...nothing ever happened to him that I know of. Anyway, it took some time to "get over it" , to be perfectly honest only the passage of time helped to heal that wound. I mean, I can sit here and tell you all the stuff your head already knows...that the rape was not your fault, you are not ruined, he is the one, etc...but until your heart feels this, it won't matter. That was one of my very first sexual experiences, and I had t work pretty hard not to let it "ruin" me....I took control of my own sexuality and chose not to be a victim. I am not saying that you are choosing to be a victim, not at all. Far from it. I am just saying that this is what I did, and it helped.

3. I think you need to concentrate on yourself for a while. You are in the midst of a great opportunity right now. You are an extremely talented writer. You love awesome music. I am not sure about your other interests, but really try to concentrate on nurturing them, and yourself right now. This might sound incredibly cheesy, but get to know yourself and like yourself again. Go see some great movies. Write some awesome shit. Read a ton of good books. Eat good food. Hang out with girl friends who make you laugh your ass off. Stuff like that. Maybe use this summer as an opportunity to see how you have changed this past year, and come to terms with this new you.

That is all I can think of right now, but I just want to say that I think you are doing great. You will be happy. I know it. You might just have to go through some shit first, and that is ok. What would not be ok is if you let all of this derail you from getting where you want to be. Much love to you, sister.

 

[Day Agent]

While you probably feel most cases are not like yours, it's systemic. I don't know what the exact circumstances are, but you feeling disgusting is suggestive. Setting aside the significant differences between individual experiences, humans are not hardwired for psychological but physiological survival by adapting to extreme situations and even capitalizing on them. This isn't pretty, but it improves the odds of survival. On the one hand this means submitting when you can't win, on the other procreative instincts may overide identity. For those and other reasons, one of the most traumatic aspects of a sexual assault is that it might turn you on. From statistics 1 in 20 women report it, and the actual number is probably way higher. And even when it didn't happen, odds are the imagination will lean toward accusing and implicating one's self. Possibly as an odd attempt to re-establish the idea of one's own power to control one's life, rather than an external force that can rob one's autonomy and even self-control.

These are guesses on my part, but I am convinced that the assault is only the beginning of the damage. I'm also convinced you can decree and end to the damage, though your perspective may have to change from being a unified individual to a composite one, with undomesticated parts which don't mean you harm but don't obey you either.

No matter what you feel, there's plenty of soul in you to love. It's visible a continent and a generation away.

Good luck.

 

[PortalFloyd]

Heroin was my escape for a lot of trauma in my life too. I never dealt with any of it either.

I can say that maybe your psychadelic trips are a sign, if you will. At some point traumatic experiences have to be dealt with. Our brains have a way of shutting down during traumatic experiences; I think this is honestly why I forget a lot of my childhood & young adulthood. Therapists are great in dealing with PTSD, etc.

So I feel for you Pagey. I hope you're doing ok and know that you have a lot of support here...