"I don't love you anymore"

[BlueHues]

This morning, my girlfriend of 5 years told me that she "didn't love me anymore"....Or rather, she "loves me but its not the same"..We've been together for 5 years. We met under strange circumstances and have basically lived together since we first met. This girl is like my best friend and we've been through a lot together. We've travelled the country, been strung out on drugs, played music together...shared everything

This morning, she just told me she was going through a lot and doing a lot of thinking about our relationship....Instead of just leaving it be, I pushed the issue....She says that, "Things just aren't the same as they used to be"....I agree, in a way, she's a beautiful girl but I'm just so familiar with her, I'm not super sexually attracted to her and we don't have sex that often...I check out other women all the time....

We lived together on the east coast for 3 1/2 years and although we both worked at times, I basically supported us....we moved out here to be with her family and I haven't been able to find work and this has been a big issue causing a lot of friction between us....We haven't really had enough money to get things going and we've basically been just surviving....I had money when I first came out here but Ive blown it all on drugs and booze(for both of us)...We dont party anything like we used to on the east coast and I mostly just drink now..

I got fired from my job back east and it's been hard for me to get used to the idea of just taking any job I can find for shit money...

this is really a mess because I don't know where I should go....She's not kicking me out and says I can stay here until I figure it out....I've been really depressed the last 3 months and she say that..."She just can't emotionally support both of us anymore"....

I guess my question is...Should I just leave or should I try to make this work?...I really wanna make things work...

Is this a "death sentence" for our relationship or is this just a phase? we've been together for 5 years!

I'd appreciate any input..

 

[Pagey]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this
If I'm perfectly honest it unfortunately does sound like she would like your relationship to come to an end; however, as you've said it's been 5 years so I wouldn't necessarily take this as a 'death sentence', as you said. She might just have a lot of difficulties transitioning into this new stage of your relationship. I think you should definitely try to make it work, make extra effort in the next few weeks and stuff - try to re-light the spark that made you guys get together in the first place.
I really hope things will work out!

 

[BlueHues]

Yeah, it's tough...it hasn't really sunken in...She changes like the wind, so who knows...she's working until late tonight and I don't wanna make things any harder on her...I just didn't see this coming...I don't wanna start whining to her about how much I love her and all....She was always the one who clung to me...We've been through "weird" phases before....I just don't know how to act now that shes dropped this bombshell on me...

 

[pofacedhoe]

desperate times call for desperate measures. when you have no money you need to take ANY work you can get and leap frog from that to the job you want.

i find it difficult to say how things are in your relationship because internet vibes are no substitute for real life and facial expressions.

i know of people that when they separated realised they needed to be together. the reverse is also true more often than not. from what you have told me i cannot make any guess. if you want things to work start making money quickly

sometimes people get arrogant and think because they were well paid that this will always be so. er no! wake up call

sounds like she is at breaking point and while she loves you, needs a change. what that change may be- well it might be you going/you getting a job/ a new beginning (i.e. money). hmm good luck

 

[Pagey]

Yeah, it's tough...it hasn't really sunken in...She changes like the wind, so who knows...she's working until late tonight and I don't wanna make things any harder on her...I just didn't see this coming...I don't wanna start whining to her about how much I love her and all....She was always the one who clung to me...We've been through "weird" phases before....I just don't know how to act now that shes dropped this bombshell on me...

Yeah no kidding, it'll probably take quite some time to sink in...my LT ex dropped the same sort of thing on me after over 2 years (not comparable to 5, but still), came completely out of the blue and it wasn't nice. I think instead of being more clingy or whatever you should try to show her your love more maybe? Small gestures, paying more attention to her in the next few weeks etc - to make her realize why she wouldn't want to lose you.

 

[T. Calderone]

It's a rough situation for you. It's hard even finding shit jobs, but if you have to do it to make ends meet, you're going to have to. Whether that pleases her or not is to be seen. If I were in your shoes, I would be crushed. You picked up and moved for her, so where are you supposed to go? You mentioned you don't have sex too often anymore, maybe she is frustrated with that? I can only speculate. You could ask her to reconsider but she may decline. That would be your cue to move back east if you can.

 

[BlueHues]

Yeah, I could probably actually guilt her into staying with me, but what's the point? She wants to start a new chapter in her life and feels that I'm holding her back, which I am really! It's just that, I babied this girl for so long, took care of her, ran out to get her candy in the middle of the night, search the house for things she lost and needs at the last minute because she's forgetful...I cook for her all the time...But it is more like she's my best friend...I'm a good looking guy and there's plenty of girls I could hook up with...I just happen to love this one! but once you get into that "I don't feel the same" zone, shit just gets weird!!!

I more feel like just giving her the cold shoulder because it pisses me off! Maybe we've just drifted apart, but I know I'll be miserable when we're seperated....

I guess I just have to try to make an effort to get my life together here and not act like too much of a pussy or get too sentimental....If she doesn't feel the same, what can I really say! Of course, I can't just leave which makes it more awkward! We sleep in the same bed! Am I supposed to just stop kissing her goodnight and telling her I lover her? If thats what she wants fine!

 

[RobotRipping]

i'd be pretty angry if that happened to me, especially after financially supporting her for a while. The drug/alcohol use really stands out as a problem, from my limited perspective on here on the internet. If you two are spending the majority of your time together and don't have separate lives that would definitely contribute to the issues that are happening. Maybe you should just ask her, 'what would fix the problems in our relationship?'

even getting a shit job as demeaning as it is, would be beneficial to you and your relationship. You really have to avoid being clingy, whiny or emotionally needy during this time, you have to stay strong and keep moving forward. If you've done everything you can and she still wants you to leave then i'd say it's over but at that point at least you tried and it's her problem, not yours.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

In my opinion, start looking for other people. Staying with the same person for a long time generally does not work out all that well.

 

[Stevenski]

This post is from the other side of the coin but may be relevant to Blue Hues & his current situation.

I left the only woman who truly loved me for her own good earlier this year. We had been together for 3.5 years & I left everything behind for her moving from my family & friends to be with her. I simply woke up one day & realised I was no longer in love with her. I loved her dearly & still do but I was not "in love" with her. It was like we were best friends who shared a bed & had sex a couple of times a week. I was starting to resent her & began abusing drugs in secret again to block out what I was feeling.

I tried to leave in November 2011 but she convinced me to stay & see if we could recapture the magic. It did not happen & at the same time I had a colleague who I had a long term crush on offering me no strings sex. I would not betray my lady as she did not deserve that & resisted the physical temptation. Ultimately it came to a head in April & I told her I wanted out, I did not want to get married & did not want children. Her dream was to get married & start a family with me. She cried & told me that we did not have to get married or have kids she just wanted to be with me. I knew I was deceiving her & myself so I told her the truth. I explained that I was no longer in love with her & it was over.

Hearing her cry herself to sleep that night I was seriously contemplating suicide I felt so bad. This lasted a few days & every night I could hear her crying all night long. A friend gave me the keys to her place as she was going interstate & I stayed there for a week to give us both some space. I was struggling alone in a city where I had no support network. That was when I had an accidental OD from reckless poly drug abuse (funny story but sad at the same time).

When I got home a week later she again asked me to reconcile. She did not understand why I was doing this & I don't really either. I just knew that long term I would take her down with me & she is a good person undeserving of such treatment. When the penny dropped with her she flicked a switch & refused to even speak to me. We lived like this for another 2 months before she could move out & I have not seen or heard from her since. I want to call her & make sure she is alright but that would only bring her more pain.

The reason I wrote this is I left her because I care about her & she deserves better than what I could offer. Short term pain for long term gain really. This woman accepted me for who I am & only knew the sober me. She knew my past & one night on the coke was enough to show her the other side of me & it is a very ugly fiendish side that shows my worst qualities.

Blue Hues I know the shoe is on the other foot but this may be for the best especially if you are in a co dependant relationship. People fall out of love all the time & it may be nothing you have done to cause this situation. I wish you all the best & hope this works out best for you. Just remember that it is no ones fault these things happen it is just how life is.

 

[Serotonin101]

This post is from the other side of the coin but may be relevant to Blue Hues & his current situation.

I left the only woman who truly loved me for her own good earlier this year. We had been together for 3.5 years & I left everything behind for her moving from my family & friends to be with her. I simply woke up one day & realised I was no longer in love with her. I loved her dearly & still do but I was not "in love" with her. It was like we were best friends who shared a bed & had sex a couple of times a week. I was starting to resent her & began abusing drugs in secret again to block out what I was feeling.

I tried to leave in November 2011 but she convinced me to stay & see if we could recapture the magic. It did not happen & at the same time I had a colleague who I had a long term crush on offering me no strings sex. I would not betray my lady as she did not deserve that & resisted the physical temptation. Ultimately it came to a head in April & I told her I wanted out, I did not want to get married & did not want children. Her dream was to get married & start a family with me. She cried & told me that we did not have to get married or have kids she just wanted to be with me. I knew I was deceiving her & myself so I told her the truth. I explained that I was no longer in love with her & it was over.

Hearing her cry herself to sleep that night I was seriously contemplating suicide I felt so bad. This lasted a few days & every night I could hear her crying all night long. A friend gave me the keys to her place as she was going interstate & I stayed there for a week to give us both some space. I was struggling alone in a city where I had no support network. That was when I had an accidental OD from reckless poly drug abuse (funny story but sad at the same time).

When I got home a week later she again asked me to reconcile. She did not understand why I was doing this & I don't really either. I just knew that long term I would take her down with me & she is a good person undeserving of such treatment. When the penny dropped with her she flicked a switch & refused to even speak to me. We lived like this for another 2 months before she could move out & I have not seen or heard from her since. I want to call her & make sure she is alright but that would only bring her more pain.

The reason I wrote this is I left her because I care about her & she deserves better than what I could offer. Short term pain for long term gain really. This woman accepted me for who I am & only knew the sober me. She knew my past & one night on the coke was enough to show her the other side of me & it is a very ugly fiendish side that shows my worst qualities.

Blue Hues I know the shoe is on the other foot but this may be for the best especially if you are in a co dependant relationship. People fall out of love all the time & it may be nothing you have done to cause this situation. I wish you all the best & hope this works out best for you. Just remember that it is no ones fault these things happen it is just how life is.

you just played back my engagement... its still painful remembering her cries...

 

[Stevenski]

^Sorry to hear that Serotonin it is heartbreaking to "kill to be kind" especially when the other party has no idea what is happening or why it is happening. Now I am alone & just as unhappy but there is no doubt that the drugs would have led to gambling & then suicide had I stayed.

I know I did the "right" thing but it does not change the fact that I still feel terrible about it. What is even worse is that we share the same birthday so every birthday like it or not we will be thinking of each other. It was what first got us talking & every birthday we shared was special

I check my phone after benzo blackouts to make sure I have not tried to contact her especially in that kind of state. This may be the best thing that could have happened to Bluey long term.

 

[Lysis]

Oh man these stories scare and sadden me. I'm seeing someone who broke up with me and I refused to speak to him for a year even though he contacted me for a year almost every week. I'm not in love with him like I was before and that's mostly because I refuse to get caught in the same trap. The difference is he pulled the trigger and then tried to reconcile. He has been nothing but good to me and does something every day to show me that he's serious but he has a long way to go before I let myself go again.

 

[Comrade Kane]

If you're really in love you cannot fall out of love. Those who believe they love then fell out of love did not experience real love in the first place.

That said I think the OPs GF is merely confused and this is likely at the urging of her family poisoning her mind against the OP. I think OP should get a job and/or move get his shit together and things will be right as rain again between them as soon as she sees him being a man again.

PS I've been with my GF since December 2004 and I am still amazed with how lucky I am every day and still want to fuck her every chance I get. Last time I stripped her completely naked covered her in gold glitter and doggy style. OP should fuck GF in some new way or do something else exciting with her.

 

[BlueHues]

^lol shit! maybe I'll try that! Yeah, we're really close and I have a hard time believeing that shes serious! she swears she is! I have turned into quite a deadbeat lately though....struggling with depression and what not. I woke up every day at 6 AM and went to work while she slept, gave her everything...Now shes like, "What have you done for me lately?!"....there's guys waiting in the wings but we have such a long history and I somehow just don't feel threatened...I don't really even feel sad, just pissed off! We don't have kids and I made a lot of money for years at my blue-collar job...I hate not working! I don't feel like a man and maybe she sees that and it's a turn off....I'm a good singer and songwriter and I can go play at the bars and pick up girls all day! she's a musician too and she's been playing but I've kinda not been putting as much time into my playing and she has all these half-ass musicians looking to get laid calling her and shit...I just don't know...Maybe this will drive me to play more....but you can't make somebody love you! It's just fucked up....Some dude picked her up tonight to go play an open mic and I'm here alone drinking cran-vodkas and posting on bluelight!

 

[Stevenski]

If you're really in love you cannot fall out of love. Those who believe they love then fell out of love did not experience real love in the first place.

Completely disagree there. You can be really in love with someone & then fall out of love with them. That shit happens all the time. People develop & grow as human beings & with that development love can change too. It can intensify or expire.

 

[RobotRipping]

i guess that depends on your definition of true love. To OP, maybe you two should seek counseling and figure out what's actually going on. There seems to be a definite lack of communication between the both of you. Even if you get a job and make tons of money, why does she expect that of you? i think that's pretty fucked up.

 

[BlueHues]

Loves not a concrete thing you can depend on. Who knows why things don't work out between people?....I love having unattached sex with different girls....I don't because Ive been with this one and I love her! I feel like the fucking sucker now!

Emotions are a delicate thing....If she doesn't want me anymore, what the fuck can I really do? You can't talk somebody into loving you....I think shes being pretty selfish right now...I just know her too well...I don't think shes really thinking this through...

I don't think its really me so much as she just wants a different life than we have right now..This is her home town, we're broke, and to be honest, it's boring as shit...I don't really know too many people here and I fucking hate it!...I'm here because shes here!
but if you really love somebody you'd stick with them through good and bad,right or wrong?!...If she wants to play this game, fine!....But don't come back to me in a year and tell me youve had a change of heart! I dont play! Go fuck yourself....

I'm a few years older than her and Ive sheltered her for a long time....If she wants to go out there and test the waters, she's a sitting duck! She's very naive and trusting, a perfect target for douchebags!....She's a very beautiful girl, but a hot piece of ass is a dime a dozen! I love her for how low-maintenance and cool she is! If this it what she wants it, she'll learn really quick how much of a nice guy I am when she goes out in the real world and sees how it is!

 

[Comrade Kane]

I would bet money that given the option of moving to a city like say New York or leaving you and staying in that one horse town with some local scumbag she would choose the former.

Your situation sounds toxic and going nowhere. Almost certainly someone perhaps a friend or family has been telling her that she doesn't couldnt possibly love you talking you down and now she is confused conflating situation with you.

You need money. This depends on how desperate you are. Example: MforM prostitution would earn you thousands a day. You need to stop using drinking smoking. Clean yourself up so you look really good. Then, when she seems one day to be bored out of her mind make a proposition that you both move to a city.

Of course this all depends how desperate you are for this girl. Extreme actions are warranted in dealing with extreme outcomes and risks. If its not that extreme get a new girl.

 

[pofacedhoe]

it might not be anyone telling her that the situation is stale, it might simply be a stale situation and she associates it with the relationship because at the moment the two are interlocked

every time there is a problem in a relationship its not always because outside influences are saying this and that, although heresay does have an effect, its sometimes because individuals change how they feel inside themselves over time and then act on those feelings. there is a degree of autonomy in how you behave within a relationship