Mental Health I don't know what to do any more (anxiety, depression, weight)

llama112

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Nov 26, 2010
Messages
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I'm at a loss of what to do. For the past month, I've been extremely negative, depressed, etc. I don't take depression lightly. I know people can be sad at time but this is taking over my life.

Anyway, I'm normally a super cheerful, positive, optimistic person. And I still am that type of person when I'm at work (I have to be, I have to put up that front). I'm 22, I have an awesome life really. I live in a super nice apartment, I have an amazing supportive boyfriend (been together for over three years, lived together for over one year), I have a full time decent paying salaried job that I absolutely love, I have a part time job that I love as well, and I'm trying to help with promotion for my boyfriend who DJs. So really... what could be wrong with my life? Seems pretty perfect.

Honestly, I don't even know why I am feeling this way.

There are a few things that have happened lately.

Four weekends ago, my boyfriend told me that he noticed me gaining weight. (The scale doesn't say so but I believe my bf) So I was focusing on exercising a bit. Not a lot, I do not have time for it, but a little bit helps right! I've also been focusing on eating not as much junk food (although I never ate much in the first place). Okay, so I'm glad he told me now before I gained a LOT of weight!!! At first I was like "whaaaat" but I'm actually really happy he told me now so that I didn't become humungous aha. It just means I have to focus more on what I'm eating and exercising. I went back to MyFitnessPal to record all what I'm eating and exercising. My goal is to get 10 lbs down by the end of September. We agreed to not talk about it until the end of September because I really don't want him keeping tabs on me.

Three weekends ago, he brings it up again. He's like "I saw a chip and a cookie crumb by your desk". I'm like, I haven't had either of those things since I told you I got rid of all my junk food!!! I was like, maybe you just didn't sweep it up the last time you swept, how am I supposed to know?? Anyway, we had a fight then. (We have fought maybe ONCE prior to this in our three years together).

Two weekends ago, he brought it up AGAIN. I was like, WTF, this is a personal thing. I told you I had a personal goal and I'm working towards it!

Also, if he doesn't notice me exercising one day (he works from home so he's home ALL the time) then he will comment on it. I've asked him not to. He keeps saying he's not keeping tabs on me but it certainly seems like it!!!! So that has happened multiple times.

Now I'm self conscious about my weight. I was invited to a pool party which I declined because I was too embarrassed about my body. I'm not, by any means, fat. I get hit on a lot. I'm curvy, a little bit overweight but not like a lot, just a bit chubby you know? But I'm hit on all the time so obviously I'm crazy fat. But now I'm just self conscious.

The past couple weeks at work have been terrible. I've been asking the HR department about this one employee who needs to get in the HR system. I emailed them every day for two weeks (one was on vacation for one of those two weeks) and didn't get any response. I went up to their department about every other day to see if I could catch them but they were never at their desk (they're the type that take long breaks, don't get things done, arrive right at 9 and leave right at 5). Anyway, I started copying their managers (and my manager) on the email to see if I could get some information. Finally they told me that these employees would be in the system on Tuesday. (Tuesday being two weeks and one day after I sent the original email.) I was very annoyed because the guy in my department who handles new employees is on vacation for three weeks starting that Tuesday when they'd be in the system, as I had stated in my email. Well, my manager got upset with how I handled the situation. My emails were straightforward and to the point, it's just no one would respond to me or give me any information, I was quite frustrated!!! So I took it quite personally that my manager had to talk to me about this.

As well, various part timer tasks just weren't getting done for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, for me to do my job, they need to do their job. So I was essentially doing part time job plus my own full time job. I have been working 8:30 - 7 each day (no, we don't get overtime). I'm a bit of a workaholic. So that has been stressing me out.

Then there are weekends. Last weekend, I went to a sex shop with my boyfriend to look for lingerie (mostly corsets). Anyway, this rude lady came up to me and was like "stop throwing stuff all over the place" ... ummm I didn't even know how to reply except that I wasn't throwing stuff all over the place. I went to complain to the cashier and the cashier wouldn't listen to me except to tell me to "fuck off" and just call me childish and immature. This week, I've been emailing the manager explaining the situation and I was hoping for something more than an insincere apology but that's all he'll give me. Not even a discount, a gift card, anything. After I received that verbal abuse, I was expecting something as an apology. Then he sided with the store and I have no clue why!!! Now, I have posted a blog about it on my popular blog which has gotten a lot of feedback (some good, some bad) but I'm trying to give this store a bad name. I told them that if we reached an agreement, that I would take back those posts and completely delete my blog post. But they keep being jerks to me!!! And one of the people who worked at the store commented on my blog post and basically spread a bunch of lies.

Normal weekends..... I usually go party with my boyfriend at my favourite club on 2-FMA and then we usually have a "date night". We usually use benzos (Xanax, Valium, Etizolam - although I know that's not technically a benzo but it's close) to get to sleep after amphetamines and then our "date night" usually involves coke and GHB. During the week, we both work Monday-Friday, so no drugs at all then (I drink coffee like once every couple of weeks but that's it).

I didn't have the best childhood. I was bullied, never physically, but you know how kids are. They would purposely leave me out of things. I'd cry myself to sleep most nights. When I was older-ish, I was cutting myself. This was basically from kindergarten to grade 9 (the cutting was around grade 6 to 9). I moved to a new school in grade 10 because I just couldn't handle it. I made some friends, it was okay. Much better than the first school but nothing amazing. The college.... that was fine. I was like ... yay ... I'm free of depression.

But on Monday, after the issue with the store, I idiotically decided to cut myself. On both wrists. :( I haven't done that in years!! I'm a 22 year old with an awesome life, WHY in the world would I need to do that????

I've been done college for a couple years, doing really great in my life, and I have just been feeling terrible the past few days. Crying myself to sleep. Friday night, I was out, so I didn't sleep at all then. I did sleep normally(ish) on Saturday night. But last night (Sunday night), I could NOT sleep. I was in bed by 10. I took so much Xanax, etizolam, and Valium and none of it worked. I finally got up at 3, went on the computer for about an hour, then went back to sleep. I even called into work today (I had to be up at 6... I still wasn't asleep at 4 and I had missed one full night of sleep on Friday night). I was angry, depressed, etc. I *NEVER* call into work. I'm ridiculously dedicated to my job. Work is seriously #1 in my life.

My bf has said that I've been being mean to him lately which I don't doubt. But he won't leave me alone sometime! He was supposed to DJ at a friend's party yesterday (I was invited) but he didn't go because of me. I kept telling him GO GO GO but he just would not go and that bothered me a LOT. Now I feel guilty because I'm the reason he didn't get to DJ and it was a good opportunity for him. And it's my fault he didn't go!!! Even though I told him to go.

I am going to see a therapist on Wednesday but the list of things to talk to her about is so long, I only have 50 minutes.

I'm crying every five minutes, I feel like shit all the time, I just don't know how to break out of this. I want to be the person I used to be, who was always optimistic, always happy. But here I am, hating myself, I have no self confidence at all anymore, I'm depressed, I have ALWAYS had social anxiety (and generalized anxiety and OCD ... but not to the same degree), and everything is terrible. I can't remember a time in the past month where I've felt happy (except on Friday night when I heard my favourite DJ play at my favourite club... but that was because of the drugs). But I obviously can't use drugs to overcome everything. I'm not addicted to any drugs. I just want to be who I used to be. The cheerful, happy person that I used to be. But my head, my mind, I don't even know what's getting me so depressed. A combination of everything???? I don't know????

Any help.... at all... I'm a mess :(
 
I'm sorry that you're going through such a tough time at the moment - it really sounds awful how everything which you had going well, seems to be turning around.

it looks like it all started with the comments your boyfriend made about your weight which affected your self esteem and self worth. From the sounds of your childhood and the trouble you felt during those times, it sounds like your emotional and mental state may be a bit more fragile that some people. and then to hear a comment like that from the person who is supposed to love you must have been crushing.

And you have admitted to yourself that it wasn't rational - that the scales didn't show what he was saying, and yet you took it upon yourself to diet and exercise etc, setting a new weight loss goal and questioning your body image.

for him to then bring it up again when you're obviously trying hard, and accusing you of eating junk food - where does he get the right to make that sort of comment? it sounds like the issue lies with him somewhere, whether it be a personal problem of his, or whether he needs to communicate something to you and cant express it so it comes out as criticism.


Everything from there - the problems at work, the problems with the store person seems to extend from your depressed mood, lowered self esteem and self worth. They seem like issues which a happy healthy you would have been able to take in your stride.

Be careful of the drugs, they seem like an easy escape but they only lead to darkness.

Communicate with your boyfriend. Why does he suddenly feel critical of you when the scales obviously show what he is saying is not true? is there something else he needs to express? start from the beginning - where this all started.

take care of yourself. I've been in that place where I hadn't cut for years and just the right trigger set it all off again. don't see it as a failure, but an indication of where you are and that you need to fight to be in a place where the blade isnt an option you think about.
 
I have family that used to make me feel very self-conscious about my weight at a young age. They used to always comment on how skinny I was. Then later on as an adult, I acquired a beer belly for a short period of time and they commented on that too. And they wonder why I don't call.

llama12, did you see the Gaslighting thread in this subforum? It seems your boyfriend is being very manipulative. I think the only weight you need to lose is him.
 
Llama, I am really sorry to hear this--it all sounds like a" perfect storm"--in other words any one of these things by itself you might have been able to handle but all of it at once probably pushed you over the edge. I do have to say that a boyfriend that keeps commenting on your weight when you have specifically asked him not to is NOT a "supportive" boyfriend. He may be a very nice guy, and even believe that he is doing this for your own good but he needs to hear that it is both hurtful and very counter-productive. One thing that may also be going on that is bringing on the depression is that you have been painting a rosier picture than you are actually experiencing and stuffing feelings to make the picture work. At some point, the feelings have to be heard and I guess now is that time. I'm really glad that you are going to go to a therapist and I hope it ends up being a place of comfort and safety for you; if it isn't, then you need to find another one.

I'm not sure that I understand all that happened at work but it might not be a good idea to blog about it--that is bound to inflame rather than diffuse the situation. especially right now when you are so raw and vulnerable I would do whatever it takes to make work a comfortable place to be--after all, you love your job so rather than focusing on what your manager didn't do, maybe try to come to some understanding with her/him about how the situation made you feel and then try to let it go.

When you can't stop crying, something is really needing your attention. I can't say what it is but some need is not being met and you have probably been refusing to hear that voice for a long time. I wish you strength and honesty and courage. You will get through this stronger and more aware but it is no fun to go through, that's for sure. (((<3)))
 
Then later on as an adult, I acquired a beer belly for a short period of time and they commented on that too. And they wonder why I don't call.

When I was lifting weights and bulking up I had this too with a certain family member. Instead being happy that I was interested in something it seemed like a lot of times they would rather talk about how I was getting a bit of a gut (which happens when you bulk up) or talk about how I was going to fuck my back up lifting such heavy weights.

llama12, did you see the Gaslighting thread in this subforum? It seems your boyfriend is being very manipulative. I think the only weight you need to lose is him.

Ha, I didn't even think of this. I was just going to say that her boyfriend sounded like a douche lol... Now that I think about it this seems like a pretty clear cut case.

To OP... I'd suggest talking to your boyfriend and telling him you don't appreciate being manipulated the next time he does it. If he doesn't work on changing I'd say lose him. I'd also try to work on your self esteem somehow. Maybe counseling?
 
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Three weekends ago, he brings it up again. He's like "I saw a chip and a cookie crumb by your desk". I'm like, I haven't had either of those things since I told you I got rid of all my junk food!!! I was like, maybe you just didn't sweep it up the last time you swept, how am I supposed to know?? Anyway, we had a fight then. (We have fought maybe ONCE prior to this in our three years together).

Two weekends ago, he brought it up AGAIN. I was like, WTF, this is a personal thing. I told you I had a personal goal and I'm working towards it!

Also, if he doesn't notice me exercising one day (he works from home so he's home ALL the time) then he will comment on it. I've asked him not to. He keeps saying he's not keeping tabs on me but it certainly seems like it!!!! So that has happened multiple times.

Yeah... Classic example, no idea how I missed this. You know I would almost just say dump him now, but at least don't put up with this much longer. I mean do you want to be in a relationship indefinitely with someone who is constantly belittling you and ruining your self esteem? I certainly wouldn't.
 
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This all makes my boyfriend look bad but he is a great guy and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. Honestly, I think it has to do with the etizolam. I guess I never really realized how much of a problem it was until now. I just have to wait this out, eventually it will go away, and I'll be back to my normal self. Yes, the weight comment did hurt me but it should not have hurt me this much, my boyfriend was simply wanting to make sure I was healthy, I get that in my mind. I need to get away from the etizolam! It'd kind of a relief to know that!
 
When it rains it pours, huh? :\ I'm so sorry you've been going through this, llama. You're a beautiful person inside and out. He's not intentionally hurting you, but he still is hurting you and you need to talk to him about that or he might never know. Let him know about everything that's been going on and how it's becoming overwhelming for you and that you really just need his support right now. You might want to keep away from the amphetamines and other drugs at least til things start to level out a bit. I know you have fun with them, but they really do tend to amplify the anxiety and other negative emotions. How did your therapy appointment go?

I'm always a PM away if you want to chat, honey. <3
 
This all makes my boyfriend look bad but he is a great guy and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. Honestly, I think it has to do with the etizolam. I guess I never really realized how much of a problem it was until now. I just have to wait this out, eventually it will go away, and I'll be back to my normal self. Yes, the weight comment did hurt me but it should not have hurt me this much, my boyfriend was simply wanting to make sure I was healthy, I get that in my mind. I need to get away from the etizolam! It'd kind of a relief to know that!

Wow, talk about denial. What does etizolam have to do with any of this? The problem isn't going to go away if you don't confront it, it's only going to get worse. He's clearly manipulating you and the more you allow him to the harder it will be for you to recognize your own emotions and thoughts.

You really should check out the gaslighting thread and some of these videos... http://www.youtube.com/channel/HCOtZMCdb23iY
 
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My boyfriend knows what he did and he knows how or has effected me and he has spent hours listening to me talk (usually in circles) and cry. He's trying to help my self esteem, he was not intentionally hurting me.

My boyfriend has done so much for me. I'm not codependant either, I know that I could easily find someone else if we did break up. I'd be sad, of course, but I know I'd get over it. But I feel really lucky, he is a great guy and he's really supportive in my life in general.

The problem with etizolam is that we were using it irresponsibly, it was making us say things we shouldn't say (aka he kept bringing up my weight) and it makes you lose your inhibitions. We were using it every weekend and for long periods of time (last weekend it was almost 48 hours). And I think I got slightly addicted to it, it got really bad.

The therapist appointment kinda sucked. She wasn't helpful at all. Maybe I'll go back to the therapist I went to about a year ago. She was much better.

This weekend, we're taking a break from amphetamines and benzos, we think that's good for our health really. We were doing fine with just amphetamines until the etizolam came along. I think I need a break from that.
 
This weekend, we're taking a break from amphetamines and benzos, we think that's good for our health really. We were doing fine with just amphetamines until the etizolam came along. I think I need a break from that.

I was going to write a post expressing some sympathy but fuck, what do you expect. You're regularly abusing Benzos and Meth and coke and ghb- What they fuck do you think is going to happen to your mental health?
Even someone with robust mental health is going to have problems, if you are a bit sensitive to start with - fuckin hell.

The clubbing lifestyle is just so shit, and it is funny when you are in it because you can't see just how shitty and pointless and shallow and brutal it is.
Go to a club sober - then you will realise, it is not about the music or the people - it is all about the drugs.

Do you want a decent life or do you want to get high all the time? Youre life, do whatever the hell you want
 
I was going to write a post expressing some sympathy but fuck, what do you expect. You're regularly abusing Benzos and Meth and coke and ghb- What they fuck do you think is going to happen to your mental health?
Even someone with robust mental health is going to have problems, if you are a bit sensitive to start with - fuckin hell.

The clubbing lifestyle is just so shit, and it is funny when you are in it because you can't see just how shitty and pointless and shallow and brutal it is.
Go to a club sober - then you will realise, it is not about the music or the people - it is all about the drugs.

Do you want a decent life or do you want to get high all the time? Youre life, do whatever the hell you want

I do not get high at all during the week. Sure, it'd be nice to be high all the time, but it's not practical. And I have a pretty awesome life... I just have been going through a tough time! Hasn't everyone gone through a tough time here?
I've gone to clubs sober, I can't party as long, but it is about the music.

You're being judgmental, especially on a a drug website...
 
And I have a pretty awesome life... I just have been going through a tough time! Hasn't everyone gone through a tough time here?

Yeah but there's a difference between a rough time and this...

But on Monday, after the issue with the store, I idiotically decided to cut myself. On both wrists. :( I haven't done that in years!! I'm a 22 year old with an awesome life, WHY in the world would I need to do that????

If you're convinced that your relationship with your boyfriend and life in general is fine why would you make a thread asking for help? People have given you good advice in this thread but you pretty much refuse any of it.
 
^ giving advice is a million times easier than taking it and making a major life change, especially if it involves someone you love. This place is about support not to berate people in need.

There are many people on here in various stages of acceptance and denial and we have to take that into account.

Taking a step to even talk about things like this is a big step
 
hey llama :)

you are gorgeous, and i actually envy your body. it's always good to be healthier, but i feel your body looks gorgeous just as it is. i've struggled with eating disorders for years on and off so i can certainly understand where you're coming from about how weight is a personal thing. like you mentioned, he is just trying to help you and i'm sure he has your best interests in heart, but it can be very sensitive when something as personal as weight is brought up on a frequent basis.

how much etizolam do you take and how long have you been taking it for? (if you don't mind me asking)

the reason why i ask is because i binged on etizolam-md this past weekend (8 mg, then also had 3mg of alprazolam) and felt SO suicidal. i tried researching to see if there was a correlation between etizolam and depression/suicidal ideation/negative thoughts and i couldn't.
 
^ giving advice is a million times easier than taking it and making a major life change, especially if it involves someone you love. This place is about support not to berate people in need.

Meh, just calling like I see it. Don't really think I was berating anybody. Ultimately people are gonna do what they're gonna do I guess.
 
Meh, just calling like I see it. Don't really think I was berating anybody. Ultimately people are gonna do what they're gonna do I guess.

Someone has to dish out the tough love, so it's all good, hell I agree with some of what you said
 
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