llama112
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2010
- Messages
- 4,468
I'm at a loss of what to do. For the past month, I've been extremely negative, depressed, etc. I don't take depression lightly. I know people can be sad at time but this is taking over my life.
Anyway, I'm normally a super cheerful, positive, optimistic person. And I still am that type of person when I'm at work (I have to be, I have to put up that front). I'm 22, I have an awesome life really. I live in a super nice apartment, I have an amazing supportive boyfriend (been together for over three years, lived together for over one year), I have a full time decent paying salaried job that I absolutely love, I have a part time job that I love as well, and I'm trying to help with promotion for my boyfriend who DJs. So really... what could be wrong with my life? Seems pretty perfect.
Honestly, I don't even know why I am feeling this way.
There are a few things that have happened lately.
Four weekends ago, my boyfriend told me that he noticed me gaining weight. (The scale doesn't say so but I believe my bf) So I was focusing on exercising a bit. Not a lot, I do not have time for it, but a little bit helps right! I've also been focusing on eating not as much junk food (although I never ate much in the first place). Okay, so I'm glad he told me now before I gained a LOT of weight!!! At first I was like "whaaaat" but I'm actually really happy he told me now so that I didn't become humungous aha. It just means I have to focus more on what I'm eating and exercising. I went back to MyFitnessPal to record all what I'm eating and exercising. My goal is to get 10 lbs down by the end of September. We agreed to not talk about it until the end of September because I really don't want him keeping tabs on me.
Three weekends ago, he brings it up again. He's like "I saw a chip and a cookie crumb by your desk". I'm like, I haven't had either of those things since I told you I got rid of all my junk food!!! I was like, maybe you just didn't sweep it up the last time you swept, how am I supposed to know?? Anyway, we had a fight then. (We have fought maybe ONCE prior to this in our three years together).
Two weekends ago, he brought it up AGAIN. I was like, WTF, this is a personal thing. I told you I had a personal goal and I'm working towards it!
Also, if he doesn't notice me exercising one day (he works from home so he's home ALL the time) then he will comment on it. I've asked him not to. He keeps saying he's not keeping tabs on me but it certainly seems like it!!!! So that has happened multiple times.
Now I'm self conscious about my weight. I was invited to a pool party which I declined because I was too embarrassed about my body. I'm not, by any means, fat. I get hit on a lot. I'm curvy, a little bit overweight but not like a lot, just a bit chubby you know? But I'm hit on all the time so obviously I'm crazy fat. But now I'm just self conscious.
The past couple weeks at work have been terrible. I've been asking the HR department about this one employee who needs to get in the HR system. I emailed them every day for two weeks (one was on vacation for one of those two weeks) and didn't get any response. I went up to their department about every other day to see if I could catch them but they were never at their desk (they're the type that take long breaks, don't get things done, arrive right at 9 and leave right at 5). Anyway, I started copying their managers (and my manager) on the email to see if I could get some information. Finally they told me that these employees would be in the system on Tuesday. (Tuesday being two weeks and one day after I sent the original email.) I was very annoyed because the guy in my department who handles new employees is on vacation for three weeks starting that Tuesday when they'd be in the system, as I had stated in my email. Well, my manager got upset with how I handled the situation. My emails were straightforward and to the point, it's just no one would respond to me or give me any information, I was quite frustrated!!! So I took it quite personally that my manager had to talk to me about this.
As well, various part timer tasks just weren't getting done for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, for me to do my job, they need to do their job. So I was essentially doing part time job plus my own full time job. I have been working 8:30 - 7 each day (no, we don't get overtime). I'm a bit of a workaholic. So that has been stressing me out.
Then there are weekends. Last weekend, I went to a sex shop with my boyfriend to look for lingerie (mostly corsets). Anyway, this rude lady came up to me and was like "stop throwing stuff all over the place" ... ummm I didn't even know how to reply except that I wasn't throwing stuff all over the place. I went to complain to the cashier and the cashier wouldn't listen to me except to tell me to "fuck off" and just call me childish and immature. This week, I've been emailing the manager explaining the situation and I was hoping for something more than an insincere apology but that's all he'll give me. Not even a discount, a gift card, anything. After I received that verbal abuse, I was expecting something as an apology. Then he sided with the store and I have no clue why!!! Now, I have posted a blog about it on my popular blog which has gotten a lot of feedback (some good, some bad) but I'm trying to give this store a bad name. I told them that if we reached an agreement, that I would take back those posts and completely delete my blog post. But they keep being jerks to me!!! And one of the people who worked at the store commented on my blog post and basically spread a bunch of lies.
Normal weekends..... I usually go party with my boyfriend at my favourite club on 2-FMA and then we usually have a "date night". We usually use benzos (Xanax, Valium, Etizolam - although I know that's not technically a benzo but it's close) to get to sleep after amphetamines and then our "date night" usually involves coke and GHB. During the week, we both work Monday-Friday, so no drugs at all then (I drink coffee like once every couple of weeks but that's it).
I didn't have the best childhood. I was bullied, never physically, but you know how kids are. They would purposely leave me out of things. I'd cry myself to sleep most nights. When I was older-ish, I was cutting myself. This was basically from kindergarten to grade 9 (the cutting was around grade 6 to 9). I moved to a new school in grade 10 because I just couldn't handle it. I made some friends, it was okay. Much better than the first school but nothing amazing. The college.... that was fine. I was like ... yay ... I'm free of depression.
But on Monday, after the issue with the store, I idiotically decided to cut myself. On both wrists.
I haven't done that in years!! I'm a 22 year old with an awesome life, WHY in the world would I need to do that????
I've been done college for a couple years, doing really great in my life, and I have just been feeling terrible the past few days. Crying myself to sleep. Friday night, I was out, so I didn't sleep at all then. I did sleep normally(ish) on Saturday night. But last night (Sunday night), I could NOT sleep. I was in bed by 10. I took so much Xanax, etizolam, and Valium and none of it worked. I finally got up at 3, went on the computer for about an hour, then went back to sleep. I even called into work today (I had to be up at 6... I still wasn't asleep at 4 and I had missed one full night of sleep on Friday night). I was angry, depressed, etc. I *NEVER* call into work. I'm ridiculously dedicated to my job. Work is seriously #1 in my life.
My bf has said that I've been being mean to him lately which I don't doubt. But he won't leave me alone sometime! He was supposed to DJ at a friend's party yesterday (I was invited) but he didn't go because of me. I kept telling him GO GO GO but he just would not go and that bothered me a LOT. Now I feel guilty because I'm the reason he didn't get to DJ and it was a good opportunity for him. And it's my fault he didn't go!!! Even though I told him to go.
I am going to see a therapist on Wednesday but the list of things to talk to her about is so long, I only have 50 minutes.
I'm crying every five minutes, I feel like shit all the time, I just don't know how to break out of this. I want to be the person I used to be, who was always optimistic, always happy. But here I am, hating myself, I have no self confidence at all anymore, I'm depressed, I have ALWAYS had social anxiety (and generalized anxiety and OCD ... but not to the same degree), and everything is terrible. I can't remember a time in the past month where I've felt happy (except on Friday night when I heard my favourite DJ play at my favourite club... but that was because of the drugs). But I obviously can't use drugs to overcome everything. I'm not addicted to any drugs. I just want to be who I used to be. The cheerful, happy person that I used to be. But my head, my mind, I don't even know what's getting me so depressed. A combination of everything???? I don't know????
Any help.... at all... I'm a mess
Anyway, I'm normally a super cheerful, positive, optimistic person. And I still am that type of person when I'm at work (I have to be, I have to put up that front). I'm 22, I have an awesome life really. I live in a super nice apartment, I have an amazing supportive boyfriend (been together for over three years, lived together for over one year), I have a full time decent paying salaried job that I absolutely love, I have a part time job that I love as well, and I'm trying to help with promotion for my boyfriend who DJs. So really... what could be wrong with my life? Seems pretty perfect.
Honestly, I don't even know why I am feeling this way.
There are a few things that have happened lately.
Four weekends ago, my boyfriend told me that he noticed me gaining weight. (The scale doesn't say so but I believe my bf) So I was focusing on exercising a bit. Not a lot, I do not have time for it, but a little bit helps right! I've also been focusing on eating not as much junk food (although I never ate much in the first place). Okay, so I'm glad he told me now before I gained a LOT of weight!!! At first I was like "whaaaat" but I'm actually really happy he told me now so that I didn't become humungous aha. It just means I have to focus more on what I'm eating and exercising. I went back to MyFitnessPal to record all what I'm eating and exercising. My goal is to get 10 lbs down by the end of September. We agreed to not talk about it until the end of September because I really don't want him keeping tabs on me.
Three weekends ago, he brings it up again. He's like "I saw a chip and a cookie crumb by your desk". I'm like, I haven't had either of those things since I told you I got rid of all my junk food!!! I was like, maybe you just didn't sweep it up the last time you swept, how am I supposed to know?? Anyway, we had a fight then. (We have fought maybe ONCE prior to this in our three years together).
Two weekends ago, he brought it up AGAIN. I was like, WTF, this is a personal thing. I told you I had a personal goal and I'm working towards it!
Also, if he doesn't notice me exercising one day (he works from home so he's home ALL the time) then he will comment on it. I've asked him not to. He keeps saying he's not keeping tabs on me but it certainly seems like it!!!! So that has happened multiple times.
Now I'm self conscious about my weight. I was invited to a pool party which I declined because I was too embarrassed about my body. I'm not, by any means, fat. I get hit on a lot. I'm curvy, a little bit overweight but not like a lot, just a bit chubby you know? But I'm hit on all the time so obviously I'm crazy fat. But now I'm just self conscious.
The past couple weeks at work have been terrible. I've been asking the HR department about this one employee who needs to get in the HR system. I emailed them every day for two weeks (one was on vacation for one of those two weeks) and didn't get any response. I went up to their department about every other day to see if I could catch them but they were never at their desk (they're the type that take long breaks, don't get things done, arrive right at 9 and leave right at 5). Anyway, I started copying their managers (and my manager) on the email to see if I could get some information. Finally they told me that these employees would be in the system on Tuesday. (Tuesday being two weeks and one day after I sent the original email.) I was very annoyed because the guy in my department who handles new employees is on vacation for three weeks starting that Tuesday when they'd be in the system, as I had stated in my email. Well, my manager got upset with how I handled the situation. My emails were straightforward and to the point, it's just no one would respond to me or give me any information, I was quite frustrated!!! So I took it quite personally that my manager had to talk to me about this.
As well, various part timer tasks just weren't getting done for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, for me to do my job, they need to do their job. So I was essentially doing part time job plus my own full time job. I have been working 8:30 - 7 each day (no, we don't get overtime). I'm a bit of a workaholic. So that has been stressing me out.
Then there are weekends. Last weekend, I went to a sex shop with my boyfriend to look for lingerie (mostly corsets). Anyway, this rude lady came up to me and was like "stop throwing stuff all over the place" ... ummm I didn't even know how to reply except that I wasn't throwing stuff all over the place. I went to complain to the cashier and the cashier wouldn't listen to me except to tell me to "fuck off" and just call me childish and immature. This week, I've been emailing the manager explaining the situation and I was hoping for something more than an insincere apology but that's all he'll give me. Not even a discount, a gift card, anything. After I received that verbal abuse, I was expecting something as an apology. Then he sided with the store and I have no clue why!!! Now, I have posted a blog about it on my popular blog which has gotten a lot of feedback (some good, some bad) but I'm trying to give this store a bad name. I told them that if we reached an agreement, that I would take back those posts and completely delete my blog post. But they keep being jerks to me!!! And one of the people who worked at the store commented on my blog post and basically spread a bunch of lies.
Normal weekends..... I usually go party with my boyfriend at my favourite club on 2-FMA and then we usually have a "date night". We usually use benzos (Xanax, Valium, Etizolam - although I know that's not technically a benzo but it's close) to get to sleep after amphetamines and then our "date night" usually involves coke and GHB. During the week, we both work Monday-Friday, so no drugs at all then (I drink coffee like once every couple of weeks but that's it).
I didn't have the best childhood. I was bullied, never physically, but you know how kids are. They would purposely leave me out of things. I'd cry myself to sleep most nights. When I was older-ish, I was cutting myself. This was basically from kindergarten to grade 9 (the cutting was around grade 6 to 9). I moved to a new school in grade 10 because I just couldn't handle it. I made some friends, it was okay. Much better than the first school but nothing amazing. The college.... that was fine. I was like ... yay ... I'm free of depression.
But on Monday, after the issue with the store, I idiotically decided to cut myself. On both wrists.

I've been done college for a couple years, doing really great in my life, and I have just been feeling terrible the past few days. Crying myself to sleep. Friday night, I was out, so I didn't sleep at all then. I did sleep normally(ish) on Saturday night. But last night (Sunday night), I could NOT sleep. I was in bed by 10. I took so much Xanax, etizolam, and Valium and none of it worked. I finally got up at 3, went on the computer for about an hour, then went back to sleep. I even called into work today (I had to be up at 6... I still wasn't asleep at 4 and I had missed one full night of sleep on Friday night). I was angry, depressed, etc. I *NEVER* call into work. I'm ridiculously dedicated to my job. Work is seriously #1 in my life.
My bf has said that I've been being mean to him lately which I don't doubt. But he won't leave me alone sometime! He was supposed to DJ at a friend's party yesterday (I was invited) but he didn't go because of me. I kept telling him GO GO GO but he just would not go and that bothered me a LOT. Now I feel guilty because I'm the reason he didn't get to DJ and it was a good opportunity for him. And it's my fault he didn't go!!! Even though I told him to go.
I am going to see a therapist on Wednesday but the list of things to talk to her about is so long, I only have 50 minutes.
I'm crying every five minutes, I feel like shit all the time, I just don't know how to break out of this. I want to be the person I used to be, who was always optimistic, always happy. But here I am, hating myself, I have no self confidence at all anymore, I'm depressed, I have ALWAYS had social anxiety (and generalized anxiety and OCD ... but not to the same degree), and everything is terrible. I can't remember a time in the past month where I've felt happy (except on Friday night when I heard my favourite DJ play at my favourite club... but that was because of the drugs). But I obviously can't use drugs to overcome everything. I'm not addicted to any drugs. I just want to be who I used to be. The cheerful, happy person that I used to be. But my head, my mind, I don't even know what's getting me so depressed. A combination of everything???? I don't know????
Any help.... at all... I'm a mess
