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i can't possibly be the only person who is friends with an ex?

YUP. Time.
My sweethearts ex started popping up once she realized he was with me. Obviously still holding on to the past she was and it took some time and eventually some brute truth for her to stop. Their parting lacked clarity and closure for her so I felt for the situation and exercised great patience and compassion.
Then, the phone calls began, the hang up's. Oh yeah, what fun. We thought we had an unlisted number but our request for this came too late. He then checked his old email account and found over 100 messages from her saying she'll wait, still loves him, can't stop thinking of him all that. At this time it had been over 2 years since they parted. But again, lack of closure and clarity played a huge part in this. I felt bad for the woman. I really did; and finally, he wrote back to her and offered the brute truth, told her he found the letters which were highly inappropriate and kindly asked her to stop it. She did. This may have been 'rough' for her but at the same time, she needed to hear it.
Perhaps one day I would be comfortable with them rekindling their friendship but not any time soon. I felt very disappointed in him for not giving this woman the closure she needed to move on way back when. He says he had no idea she was so hung up on him. He did tell her about me long ago but lacked the responses needed to her questions about things like, 'is it serious' ' should i wait' stuff like that. Well, he moved on with me, started a life, bought a house all that but he never checked to see how she was fairing, if she truly got the message.
WEll she didn't get it and suffered for months and months waiting for something that was never coming back, all because he lacked the 'balls' to offer this poor woman the closure she needed to move on.
Well I hope she's alright. He wouldn't have been with someone who wasn't great. Of course I was hurt but having heart helped with this.
I've been there. Brute truth works best.
'Pofacedhoe' I'd be concerned too if my sweets ex kept finding reasons to want to see him. I wonder how your SO is dealing with that.
 
I recently broke up with my ex. We were dating for almost two years. The first month or so is tough, but once you both begin to meet new people it becomes easier.
 
I have two ex gf's I am in contact with which is a little surprising because usually my relationships end badly (in other words filled with passion ;) ). Anyways I usually run into them when I go out drinking. Real close with one of them and I've hung out with her a few times this past month. Any girls that are friends or old girl friends I'm speaking with my girlfriend has to become friends with them which is fine if were all out drinking but next thing she is texting them all the time (which makes me uncomfortable) and goes out and drinks wine with them sometimes. Which I am totally cool with but it does bug me a little.
 
I think it is possible but it really depends how bad the breakup is and all. Everybody moves on at one point and I think friendship should be given a chance but sometimes it's awkward to be friends because of knowing some issues that happened before etc kinda makes it hard to adjust into just being friends.
 
It depends on the people involved. Friendship wouldn't work with my most recent ex, but it's most healthy and fruitful with the my ex from before her.

ebola
 
Animal Mother said:
I never trust the opinion of some one unaware of their own cognitive dissonance.

Problems in a relationship come from problems in character. Those rarely stop with the end of a relationship. So, if some one acknowledged problems in another's character, but was still able to call them a friend because they simply spend less time together? Very telling of their own character imo.

but hey, these are generalities. There are exceptions to every rule.
Click to expand...

good post
 
Just from my own, guy perspective, it's next to impossible to be true 'friends' with an ex.

Personally, seeing an ex girlfriend makes me depressed as shit - it's just an example of a failed (overall, in the long term) conquest. I can see why some women think that they can be 'just friends' with an ex and that everything is hunky dory, but, let's be honest, do you think that that guy, who you used to date and who now you just talk to, would really, really, want to just be your friend if it wasn't for your past sexual history??? Because if you said yes, ladies, think again!

Every guy out there has a huge, overblown ego - not saying it's a good or a bad thing, but, basically, if we've done it once, we always think that we can do it again. Also, just regular human nature is to want what you don't have, so, combine those two innate traits that guys are going to have, and, essentially, we don't care if you think of us as 'just a friend' (oh, the dreaded words...), we think that we still got a shot to get back together, trust me! The dude's mentality goes: 'Well, maybe she doesn't want to get back with me this month or this year, but yea, a few years down the road, anything is possible, especially if we've already had it before...' - that's pretty much it. If the guy really likes YOU, girls, he's not going to want to settle for just being friends, basically in any capacity unless you're forced to work together, in the near future. However, I do think that, maybe given 5-10 years, a VERY casual friendship could be struck up again between exes, but, honestly, I still wouldn't want part of that.

Two more things I wanted to say:

1. The OP is kind of vague in their original post, but they say that their breakup was amicable and that neither of them would even want to get back together? So, why'd you guys get together in the first place? Lol...I'm not saying that I don't believe that, but if that's true, that means both of your feelings for what's attractive or alluring completely changed since you broke up, and I really kind of doubt the veracity of that statement. I'm positive there are still underlying feelings shared between the two of you, perhaps not overtly sexual, but, nonetheless, extremely subtly emotionally charged. I mean, come on OP!!! A relationship is a relationship - if there isn't pain and suffering when it's over, well, I'm sorry, but in my book, that probably means there was never a corresponding peak of sexual/emotional intensity which you guys went through...just my opinion, but I definitely stand by it...
2. However, I do admit this topic is about as subjective as it gets. Personally, I'm a Scorpio, and if someone turns on me, or, obviously, breaks my heart, that's it between us. I'm never going to try and talk to them again. I just don't forget that type of shit.
 
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Nah, not friends with my exes. I've shagged a number of people who I now consider really good friends in the past but it was never a relationship with them.
 
i was vague because my ex is a member here and we have a lot of mutual friends who are also members. i don't feel like airing dirty laundry on a message board.

we got together in high school, by time we split, we had two different directions we wanted to take in life. and neither of us wanted to compromise, so we decided we would be better off splitting up. it really comes down to the fact that we are just two different people now than when we got together.
 
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never been a friend with my ex the one time i was dumped i took it hard who wouldn't take not being good enough for a girl for the first time in their life hard the many times i broke up with the girl/woman i had damned good reasons and would rather jump off the golden gate bridge than spend one minuet talking to most of those people but now i find myself in a peculiar situation one of my best friends ever i'm attracted to and asked her if she would want to be a couple (she's pretty ill at the moment so my timing in asking was pretty messed up but i was high and felt very close to the people i'm close to so it just kinda came out in a txt) she said she wants to talk about it when she's feeling better now i love her as a friend and she is pretty and we've had similar lives so i'm curious as to what would come of us being a couple but i'm not in love with her yet never been in love with any girl/woman so her friendship means more than her being a gf does but there's no taking back what i said and if she wants it i don't have it in me to turn her down i love her too much to hurt her like that even more so since i'm the one who asked but i don't want to risk our friendship over a CHANCE at being even closer and loving each other more even if i did fall in love with her and she broke my heart i think i would still want to be friends (i think i would need some time to heal not sure never been in that situation) but if i hurt her which is likely seeing as how i have a very hard time turning down sex with an attractive woman whether i have a gf or not even when i was engaged i cheated so if i were the one to hurt her i'm not sure she would ever want to speak to me again which would be understandable but would devastate me much more than wondering for ever if we would have made a great couple and made each others lives better wondering that is nothing compared to losing her friendship
 
I usually stay in touch with my exes for a while, but the relationships invariably dies off with time. I wouldn't mind having a lifelong friendship with an ex, though
 
I'm friends with all exes except for one. :). I'd like to attribute that to being friends with all of them before anything happened. Every one if them tried to have sex later though lol and I found it a turnoff. Not sure why.

I gave in to one and will hang out Halloween. Gonna go wild on the town and it's cool cuz I feel comfortable. Exes are great fun but I'm always the emo one until I'm over it. After that I'm done and it's weird because they usually get pissed I assume cuz I'm not "available" anymore. After we both get over it we can hang. Provided we are both single at the time. Lol
 
That's complete (OK not totally but a sweeping generaliyation) tosh.

MANY reasons why - 2 souls can be attracted to teach each other something.

You could be great for one another, but it just happened at the wrong time, or life got in the way, or you realize that this person is not someone you want to spend that amount of time with, but it's nice to have them as someone you converse with, someone who challenges you, but not all the time.

SOmetimes a person can stir things up inside, it seems so abhorrent, because what's in you is reflected in them - a part of self not yet come to terms with.

So that sweeping generalization is awful. Only a total masochist, or someone who was hoodwinked by a sociopath, would be in a romantic relationship with someone they had nothing in common with, whose soul didn't connect with the other's soul.

I think your rule is the exception...and that there are no golden rules.
Animal Mother said:
I never trust the opinion of some one unaware of their own cognitive dissonance.

Problems in a relationship come from problems in character. Those rarely stop with the end of a relationship. So, if some one acknowledged problems in another's character, but was still able to call them a friend because they simply spend less time together? Very telling of their own character imo.

but hey, these are generalities. There are exceptions to every rule.
Click to expand...
 
Its hard to become friends with a ex because you broke up for a reason. If you couldn't get along in a relationship with them, what makes you think you can get along as friends. Especially if u were arguing a lot in the relationship, were bored of them, or they cheated. Some flaw made u break up. There are some guys I know who stay friends hoping some how they can get back together.. But for the most part, if your relationship ended its best to move on and not be friends, plus ur future bf or gf won't like it..
 
That's immature crap.

We should all get along. Just because we don't want to live or be that intimate with one another, does not mean it's not a good idea to be friends, exchange and share SOMETHING, instead of nothing.

I would be highly suspicious of a girls emotional state if she couldn't accept that I am in contact with ex-partners/lovers. Keeping up friendships is important, if it's meant to be. If it's not teaching you something, making your life better, it's best not to have anything to do with it, but if it still teaches you something or enriches your life, it would be stupid to accept somebody new's jealousy, as that's an intensely undesirable quality in a mate - jealousy and possessiveness.
 
There were 3 exes I was still friends with.

With 1, everything is great and there's no weirdness or anything like that.
With 2, it ended really badly but after a year or two we started talking again and I'd say we were friends now.
With 3, this was the most serious relationship I'd ever had; after we broke up we weren't bitter and got on okay but she started to change in a bad way and I blame the people she began hanging around with. I can hold a conversation with her but I don't think I want to be friends with her anymore...
 
B1tO'RoughJack said:
That's complete (OK not totally but a sweeping generaliyation) tosh.

MANY reasons why - 2 souls can be attracted to teach each other something.

You could be great for one another, but it just happened at the wrong time, or life got in the way, or you realize that this person is not someone you want to spend that amount of time with, but it's nice to have them as someone you converse with, someone who challenges you, but not all the time.

SOmetimes a person can stir things up inside, it seems so abhorrent, because what's in you is reflected in them - a part of self not yet come to terms with.

So that sweeping generalization is awful. Only a total masochist, or someone who was hoodwinked by a sociopath, would be in a romantic relationship with someone they had nothing in common with, whose soul didn't connect with the other's soul.

I think your rule is the exception...and that there are no golden rules.
Click to expand...

I see how averse to generalizations you seem to be...

Whatever, I've rarely met a stable person who had a history of healthy relationships, that kept exes as friends.

Most people who make this claim, are hiding a desire to get back together with their ex, or are having some financial need being met in the situation.

What is immature, is lying to yourself and everybody else about your true feelings. I couldn't tell you how many times I've seen people use the guise of "still friends" so that they could get closer and make another attempt at a relationship. But hey, maybe I'm wrong, maybe the people on THIS forum are unique amongst the rest of the world...


pff. It's not cynicism. It's objective observation.
 
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