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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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Last week's agitated fantasies and dreams about using seem to have morphed into my old friend, gloom and depression. Note to self: this is a pattern for me...periods of intense desire to get high seem to come before a downward mood swing.

I just got back from a nice walk with my dog. But as we were strolling around, I realized that the gnarly malaise that I've felt for several days now was actually the feeling of being strongly depressed again. I started getting all weepy on the walk, a definite sign that I gotta get my mood up. I've been binge sleeping during the morning and afternoon, and sleeping poorly at night.

This afternoon I have an appt with the barely-OK shrink who prescribes my psych meds. I find him completely exhausting...I'm just so tired of the ritual of throwing a bunch of diagnoses and pills at the wall and seeing what sticks.

Guh...:|
 
simco said:
I just got back from a nice walk with my dog. But as we were strolling around, I realized that the gnarly malaise that I've felt for several days now was actually the feeling of being strongly depressed again. I started getting all weepy on the walk, a definite sign that I gotta get my mood up. I've been binge sleeping during the morning and afternoon, and sleeping poorly at night.
Click to expand...

Maybe a way to deal with this mood is not so much to try to raise it up but to give it space to be. You have just gone through one of life's more difficult experiences (and you went through it at a relatively young age as well as during an already difficult struggle of your own--recovery) so I think it makes sense that you would have feelings of extreme sadness coming up. It is important to let it wash through you because in general when you do that you will find that it comes and goes. Yes, sadness can morph into depression but I have found that when I let sadness be, when I let the feelings of loss and loneliness actually say their piece, my mood has an easier time recovering on its own.

This afternoon I have an appt with the barely-OK shrink who prescribes my psych meds. I find him completely exhausting...I'm just so tired of the ritual of throwing a bunch of diagnoses and pills at the wall and seeing what sticks.

Guh...:|
Click to expand...

That is a very apt description of what modern psychiatry has devolved into. Check out the Foundation for Excellence in Mental Health for a different voice within psychiatry. They may also have some practitioner recommendations. I wonder what would happen if you literally said that last sentence to your doctor when you see him (I'm just so tired of the ritual of throwing a bunch of diagnoses and pills at the wall and seeing what sticks)?
 
Thanks so much for being so kind and generous, and for offering such keen advice. Reading your post, I remembered that just a few weeks ago I reminded myself on this thread that sadness after my mom's death was surely in the cards, and that I'd need to let it happen--I'd need to experience it. Thanks for reminding me!

Also, I like your suggestion about expressing my frustration with psych treatment to my doctor. I think that's a great idea...I just need to think through how he'll react. The sad truth is that I usually act very deferential towards my psychiatrists because I worry that they'll take away the few meds that really do seem to help me.

I will definitely check out the foundation you mentioned...right now.

Thanks again.
<3
Sim
 
Sim, thinking of you brother! What do you have real interests in? Even if you're exhausted, is there something that intrigues you.. Anything?

I find when that crushing darkness sweeps over me I have to do something or I'm fucked. Weather it's build a knife, a dog tag or whatever...I can't sit and think or it grabs me so tight I can't get away..

What's your dogs name, and what kinda dog is he? Just curious? My wife and I also have a leather business and we make custom collars and titanium dog tags.. next time I get in that mood I'll make your pup something cool to side track me..Could I?

Hope you're hanging in brother

Sixx
 
Sixxam said:
Sim, thinking of you brother! What do you have real interests in? Even if you're exhausted, is there something that intrigues you.. Anything?

I find when that crushing darkness sweeps over me I have to do something or I'm fucked. Weather it's build a knife, a dog tag or whatever...I can't sit and think or it grabs me so tight I can't get away..

What's your dogs name, and what kinda dog is he? Just curious? My wife and I also have a leather business and we make custom collars and titanium dog tags.. next time I get in that mood I'll make your pup something cool to side track me..Could I?

Hope you're hanging in brother

Sixx
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Thanks, man.

My main interest (aside from drugs, sigh) is music. Of course, listening to it, but also playing. Currently I play guitar and write songs for a not-particulary-ambitious band. But it is a lot of fun. I also build musical instruments and gear...finished a little guitar amp a couple months ago and am building the speaker cab now. In fact, related to your recent acquisition...I have a mini-lathe myself. But I use it for winding guitar pickups lol.

My dog is an 85-pound yellow lab named Cooper. He's four years old, though he acts like a puppy. But he is one of the real joys of my life. He's actually been my greatest companion during all my addiction drama. At first he liked it when I got high...I think he could sense that I suddenly lost all my stress...I'd lie on the couch or the floor and he'd come lie on top of me. But as things got worse, he'd come stare at me with his giant eyes what I was shooting up and I wanted to fucking die. But he's incredibly sweet.

He would love a collar and/or tags. But there's no rush...if you find yourself with the time and inclination, that would be awesome!

And, yes, definitely hanging in. I hope you're doing well.
 
Sim brotha im with ya on the emotional shit! thank god its not like the first month after wds that was nuts! my wife was even starting to worry lol. I was emotional with good stuff as much as bad!
I read alot about that happening during wds but i was always focusing on what comfort meds i needed etc, i never thought about the emotional shit. I dont think anybody escapes it. On a good note my sex drive has come back to 20 years ago standards or better wow! your a month in head of me since wds at 4 months so you gotta be feeling that also?
 
Sim,
I cannot believe how generous of spirit you are to me while you are experiencing your own pain and grief. It means that much more to me. I have no idea what it would feel like to lose a mother and be in the first year of getting clean. It just seems extraordinarily difficult. By becoming a mod, and giving yourself a role that almost insists on you being supportive and positive I think you have given yourself a great gift, while helping us who are physically suffering so very much, as well.
Thank you for being so compassionate.
 
Dude, throughout my withdrawal, my dogs didn't leave my side. My wife's dog, which she's had for a decade, wouldn't leave me at all. I found it quite strange. I guess they can sense something if off.

I can't pm buddy, so shoot me as message when you get a minute, I just have a couple questions.

Hang tough friends,
SixX
 
P0kemama said:
Sim,
I cannot believe how generous of spirit you are to me while you are experiencing your own pain and grief. It means that much more to me. I have no idea what it would feel like to lose a mother and be in the first year of getting clean. It just seems extraordinarily difficult. By becoming a mod, and giving yourself a role that almost insists on you being supportive and positive I think you have given yourself a great gift, while helping us who are physically suffering so very much, as well.
Thank you for being so compassionate.
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That is so kind of you to say. It really made me feel great to read it...especially since I know (or at least I kinda know) how you must be feeling right now with the WDs.

Please know (all SL peeps) that I'm always just a PM away if you need any extra support!
<3
Sim
 
Sixxam said:
Dude, throughout my withdrawal, my dogs didn't leave my side. My wife's dog, which she's had for a decade, wouldn't leave me at all. I found it quite strange. I guess they can sense something if off.

I can't pm buddy, so shoot me as message when you get a minute, I just have a couple questions.

Hang tough friends,
SixX
Click to expand...

I just shot you a PM...but if that didn't reach you for whatever reason, just put up another post and we'll figure something else out for communicating.
 
Simco: I want to share with you about the wonderful psychiatrist I found. I come with the intention of giving you hope, tht there are good ones out there, but better yet, maybe you can ask your shrink if he could help you in the way she helps me...I do not if i am making myself clear. But, I found her through word of mouth.. it took three months to get a first time appointment. We met one hour on Friday, and she worked that one hour solid, taking my story. She was kind enough to bgin to give me homework, but easily accomplished, pretty straightforward stuff, since she know I only had 7 days clean. And she uses apps, lol. I do not have an iphone, but will get one, so that I can take advantage of the wisdom she is sharing with me. At the end of the appt, she asked me what drugs I wanted I said baclofen and clonidine, and maybe effexor. She nixed the effexor.... she said you do not present as depressed, when you do we will consider our options at that time. I felt so respected! She just didn't throw a pill at me just to see if it worked or not. I look forward to a happy and mutually respective relationship with her for some time to come.
If anything I shared is something you can bring back to your shrink that might help you get what need.
I think you deserve happiness and peace of mind, just like all use addicts. So, put a little pressure on your med man!!
Take care, Sim.
 
^^
That's awesome, POke; thanks for sharing that story. It is definitely true that there are some really compassionate and skilled psychiatrists out there. I still remembered the first guy I went to (also via word of mouth)--we really bonded...We still talk sometimes just as friends. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of less skilled practitioners, but I don't want to wallow in negativity. The important thing is that you've made a good connection (the good kind of connection, that is ;)), and that we can all be reminded that it is possible.

Thanks again. And BTW, I'm so glad to hear you're on track. You are burning this shit UP!
Sim
 
Hey Sim,
I just got home from my first (this time around) NA meeting. I went to a real NA meeting, not that suburban stuff.... a couple a blocks away, the street drugs are available, for those who indulge. So, a lively crowded meeting..I heard at least one good thing to keep me going back.
 
P0kemama said:
Hey Sim,
I just got home from my first (this time around) NA meeting. I went to a real NA meeting, not that suburban stuff.... a couple a blocks away, the street drugs are available, for those who indulge. So, a lively crowded meeting..I heard at least one good thing to keep me going back.
Click to expand...

I'm so glad you found it helpful, or at least energizing. Obviously, NA is not for everyone. Even for those of us who find some value in NA, it is--as you mentioned--important to find particular groups that motivate us. Anecdotally, I also tend to like meetings in urban areas. There's a level of crazy there that I sometimes miss from back when I was using. :\ But it's also the case that I enjoy *some* quieter, smaller meetings. But it took a lot of searching before I found them.

Again, that's awesome that you found some good in there. I don't like to foist NA on anyone; I'm all to aware of how counter-productive and dispiriting meetings can be. But for those of us who get lucky with it, I do think NA can be a helpful *part* of recovery.

Yay!
<3
Sim
 
Speaking of NA, I'm going to be chairing my first meeting today. It's not a huge deal; mostly I just make coffee and put a few dollars from the basket in an envelope. But I am really happy that the folks I've met at this group trust me enough to do that. They even gave me a key. After years of feeling shitty about myself and steadily losing people's trust, even this small gesture felt really good.
 
Simco: Congratulations! That is huge... you are being trusted out in the community. I would find that to feel very good myself. And, to get a key. Awesome! It sounds like your life is turning around, for the better. And I have understood BL's stance on 12 step meetings for quite some time; it is such an individual choice we make if we are to incorporate that into our recovery. Trust me, years ago, my first time in recovery I went to AA where the ego's filled the room... it was a turnoff. However, for me, by taking the time to check out different types of meetings I usually end up with at least a couple of meetings to choose from.

Since at this time we are both pro NA, it seems we can share. However, if you decide to take a break or I do, let us give each other a head's up via PM so as not upset each other accidentally, ok? Thanks, Sim!
 
P0kemama said:
Simco: Congratulations! That is huge... you are being trusted out in the community. I would find that to feel very good myself. And, to get a key. Awesome! It sounds like your life is turning around, for the better. And I have understood BL's stance on 12 step meetings for quite some time; it is such an individual choice we make if we are to incorporate that into our recovery. Trust me, years ago, my first time in recovery I went to AA where the ego's filled the room... it was a turnoff. However, for me, by taking the time to check out different types of meetings I usually end up with at least a couple of meetings to choose from.

Since at this time we are both pro NA, it seems we can share. However, if you decide to take a break or I do, let us give each other a head's up via PM so as not upset each other accidentally, ok? Thanks, Sim!
Click to expand...

Sure thing, POkemama!

Funny you mentioning your first experience with AA and the room full of egos. It was almost exactly two years ago that I went to my first NA meeting. I ended up taking it pretty seriously, but that group was also full of incredible wanks. I ended up leaving NA after about 5 months and didn't return until September 2016. There are still some annoying egos in the group I go to most. But I've learned some skills for navigating the good and bad in NA. On balance, at least for now, I do find it helpful.

Let me know how things go for you, too...I always love PM's. But I love public posts too!
 
I've been having trouble getting motivated recently. For whatever reason, my old ghosts--depression, primarily--are up and full of blood. Actually, I think the reasons aren't that complicated--feels like a combo of continued fallout from my mom dying, as well as the older lowness I used to feel...it's like being on a teeter-totter, with my long-standing, organic depression on one side, and drugs on the other. If I take the drugs away, the depressive side comes down hard. At the same time, I know I can lighten the depression by putting drugs back into the equation. For a while when I was using, I managed to balance this teeter-totter OK. But obviously, over time, the whole thing got sideways and finally fell apart. In other words, adding drugs (at least dope) back into the mix is tempting, but at least for now it's pretty clear to me that this would be a very bad idea.

Actually, the reason I wanted to write this post is different than what I just prattled about. Last week I resigned from my job. I really thought this would be a giant relief. And there is some relief in there. (Almost zero disappointment, too.) But the emotion is just dull and shallow.

Hopefully this funk will let go of me soon, so I can get properly excited. This is something I've been wanting to do for years. I'll be leaving my position in May, and after that my wife and I are going to start looking at new states/towns, with plans to move over the summer. The job was really an albatross for me--way too much stress and way too little pride or satisfaction.

Kind of amazing, though. I went to school for a long-ass time to get this gig. And I've been doing the job for about 13 years. So the people who are seeing this from the outside (e.g. my boss and my colleagues...and my family/friends) think I'm nuts.

This is one thing that annoys me to no end about recovery, at least as I'm going about it. I've got great family and friends in my support network. But that does come with the cost of eroding my privacy. Constant Q&A about how/what Sim is feeling and doing. As such, quitting my job has raised all kinds of red flags and I'm having to justify my decision over and over. I try to explain to people that I didn't make the decision lightly, that I waited more than 4 months into recovery before acting on the idea, and that I pulled the trigger precisely so they're less likely to see me in the condition I was in last summer (suicidal, psychotic and strung-out as fuck). They try to understand, but I know they don't.

Reading over this post, I realize how scatter-brained it sounds. Yes, I definitely feel off my game.

But I did want to make sure that this event--resigning my job--made it into my journal before too much time went by.
 
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