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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

TDS I cant get clean

Stay in today.. your emotions are amuck.. thinking of the past will just cause shame, guilt, remorse, The future may cause fear, anxiety, doubt, hopelessness.. just stay in the moment.. all you ever have is today anyway.. your doing absolutely amazing =D.. you should be so proud.. wow a clean dad<3 for the biggest gift in the world.. a baby! Don't trust your head<3.. its not working correctly.. wow you are simply amazing:D you will be out of the tunnel soon

tunnel150-1a0ac932dec6c4e0e67e6e1a126295c64bfa8ff0-s6-c10.jpg
 
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Thanks, I am finally feeling better, several days off, laying in bed, tooth aches, headaches.. its been miserable. It gets better by the day. When I wake up, I feel great and as the day goes on I start to feel pretty crappy and by 4-5pm I am done.
Mothers day was my last day smoking so now I am 3 days totally sober, not using anything. I even quit drinking coke a cola because it started to taste really funky to me.
1 day at a time, some times it is 1 hour at a time but I am getting through this. It has been such a hard road, I do not want to go back down it again, getting too old.
 
Everything I have quit =
Soma
Norco
Xanax
Weed
Alcohol
and caffeine 8o
 
A huge achievement. I've never even considered caffine before. You dont have alcohol withdrawal on top of all of the above too, do you?
 
WOW.. JKN, caffeine, really you are making us all look bad;) That is truly amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the support to keep this miracle alive.. wow.

EDIT: HOLLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DIDN'T MESS AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!8(8o8(8o<3<3<3
 
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theseeker said:
Would you be willing to start out just by taking less? You say you're over-medicating yourself. To me, that means you are taking more than enough to kill the pain. And, hey man- those pills are fucking addictive. I know I have a hard time laying off them. But one thing I found is that I can take a little less- and your body will adjust to it. Maybe that could be your first step. How much do you take per day?
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Exactly, you have to ween yourself off the drugs. Little by little not quit cold turkey cause otherwise you will just pick up the habit again and do more damage than good. Depending on how long you have been on these medications it could take several weeks to 6 months for your body to start adjusting to the lack of medications.
 
No alcohol withdraw yet, I wanted a drink Friday night but just went to bed. I had to quit caffeine because I realized it was only fuel to take more rx drugs. I have tried tapering off and that never worked for me. The thing I miss the most is the weed. It helped me eat, sleep, drink, it rounded off the buzz from the pills and its obviously a fast working buzz, take a few puffs and you got a good buzz, Ive been jonesing all weekend. I am just waiting for the second phase of this to end, seems like forever.
I have never made it this far before. My wife has been extremely cool.
I cant believe how much better my skin looks, from just 2 weeks of not using, my eyes look great also.
 
Jnk said:
4 750 Norco's
4 350mg Soma's
4 1mg of Xanax 4x daily

I am addicted to this shit man, if I could go to rehab, id be gone. That's my smart side, my partying side always says, take one more... Now, I cant just take one kind, I have to take 3 or 4 Xanax and 3 or 4 soma at the same time and it only lasts about a hour.

[...]

When I do go for 3-4 days with no meds, I start to mentally feel better but I physically feel like I cant breath and the agoraphobia kicks my ass. I get to where I am afraid to answer the phone, get the mail and if the doorbell rings, I about have a heart attack.
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What do you mean by "I'd be gone"?

As for the latter portion of the text I quoted, your feeling better is your body's way of telling you what you need to know - namely, that this regimen of over self-medication is anything but pro adaptive to your overall health. theseeker had it right when he/she proposed that you begin by trying to take less.

I say this because reading that stopping the Xanax exacerbates your anxious symptoms comes as absolutely no surprise to me. Rebound anxiety (at levels often worse than pre-medication) is one of the hallmark symptoms of BZD withdrawal. If you begin to taper down, you will discover that this rampant agoraphobia won't ravish your existence and your mental clarity will begin to improve, thus strengthening your chances of addressing your co morbid addictions properly and successfully.

Lots of love and wishes for success <3

~ Vaya
 
Jnk said:
Thanks, I am finally feeling better, several days off, laying in bed, tooth aches, headaches.. its been miserable. It gets better by the day. When I wake up, I feel great and as the day goes on I start to feel pretty crappy and by 4-5pm I am done.
Mothers day was my last day smoking so now I am 3 days totally sober, not using anything. I even quit drinking coke a cola because it started to taste really funky to me.
1 day at a time, some times it is 1 hour at a time but I am getting through this. It has been such a hard road, I do not want to go back down it again, getting too old.
Click to expand...

What a wonderful thing to be able to relate. It's a terrible thing, but wonderful. A friend of mine who is our age (based on the being 58 when you child will be 18 statement) has a 16 month old and he's in the program. I'd have to say that I've never seen a happier man (I hope I was that happy when I had mine...started way early at 21 so I almost have a college bound kid). Having that baby helped him focus outside of himself and also helped him in the program.

Like me, he has relapsed several times, but over the last 2 1/2 years he's been off all drugs and alcohol. I truly look up to him. You keep in there and put some work in. Your child is blessed to have you and your wife. Good luck, it's an awesome experience.
 
OxyAddict25 said:
Exactly, you have to ween yourself off the drugs. Little by little not quit cold turkey cause otherwise you will just pick up the habit again and do more damage than good. Depending on how long you have been on these medications it could take several weeks to 6 months for your body to start adjusting to the lack of medications.
Click to expand...

I could not go CT myself. Everytime I get my hands on something, it was consumed with no thought as to how I was going to get my next score. For those of you that can go CT, that's AWESOME!
 
CT was never a problem, though staying clean for a lengthy period, eg. two weeks to a month certainly was. I could resist for a while, but relapse was an eventual inevitable. In the end I was just sick of wasting all my cash on a drug I wasnt even enjoying any more, so I've got myself onto a methadone program until I can sort my life out, ie get a job nad save up enough cash to put myself though my first year of college. I'm doing really well so far and I'm only on 60mls which is the bare minimum theraputic dose, although within the last week or so I've been getting cravings again so I'm going to see the doctor tomorrow and get my dose moved up 10mls to 70mls and see how I do on that for a week.

Rumor claims it takes three months until you're allowed weekly take-aways, and since I've only been on the program a month that means I can expect to wait at least another two months before I can even begin looking for a job because my clinic only opens from 9.00am - 11:30am, so working a job whist being on dailys obviously isnt going to work out at all. Its really fucking me up, because it means I cant work for another two months at least. Fuck it anyway...:!
 
Well, I ran into some medical problems, I was internally bleeding and had stomach and flank pain that was bending me over. I went to the Dr. and explained what I was doing and he said I was lucky. He insisted I get back on the soma and taper it off, same with the Xanax, my bladder was so used to the muscle relaxer that when I quit taking it, it was cramping up so bad it made my prostate bleed and swell up. So that got infected and now I have to take cipro, which is some nasty shit, I cant even drive on that crap. I am disappointed that I have poisoned myself so much that now I have to take this stuff. Dr. said to stay on the dose he recommended until july 15th and then we will taper some more. Im not catching a buzz or anything now but Im also not internally bleeding and cramped up sweating laying on the floor in the fetal position.
Addiction is a mother fucker that never leaves me alone.
Still not taking any Norco and not drinking anything but lemonade and ice tea.

To endlessnameless, man just hang in there, it sucks the meth clinic doesn't cater to people going to school or working. Here where I live they will give you a RX in pills and you have to goto the RX and pick them up once a week. I thought about methadone but I know myself to well and know I would mix it with Xanax and be worse off than I was before. Ill keep you in my thoughts and feel free to message me, im no angel but I would do anything I could to help someone.
 
Hey Jnk.. so sorry you hit this last hurtle.. dont take anything away from the amazing thing you did.. just a little more time Jnk.. you got this and already know you do.. nice work again.. just a little more BS and you are free<3
 
We Mis carried ... we lost our Baby , wife got out of the hospital yesterday. Im so fucked up in the head. ...
Im really just about to say fuck being sober. Its just not worth it. I know its wrong but it feels so right.
Happy 4th of july to everyone.
W/ Much love
JNK
 
^ Oh my. I am so sorry to hear that. Words probably cannot describe the pain you and your partner are feeling. Now, more than ever, you have to be there for her. Try just for a moment to focus your energy and attention on her rather than drugs. You're craving them because its a (poor) coping mechanism that you're used to. You can get through this without drugs. Love and support goes a lot further than we may think.
 
my wife and I lost a baby when she was 37.
devastating.
I used the same drugs as you,OP,and it took two years on suboxone
before the opiate fog and depression lifted.

at 41 my wife got pregnant again and it took.
there is hope.
try not to use.I know how extremely tempting it is for you.
it takes time but it does get better.
 
I have been following this form for years. I am in the Harm Reduction field (yes tough field in Texas)
Anyways reading though this thread and a call for help is answered with such fantastic responses.
Congrats JNK on kicking and screaming through was is so very very hard.
Myself be a ex junkie 26 years ( yes I own that word and wear it proud) It has brought me to where and what I do today.
anyways...again.
I wanted to give a shout out to the thread and shows what support can do even if its ...words on a computer screen.
great work bluelight! no..Fantastic work.
HARM REDUCTION!
 
JnK, I am so sorry. I think that some people don't realize that when you lose a child that you have never met that it is devastating the same as if you had met him or her. There are groups (usually through the hospital) that can help you with the feelings and the process of grieving the loss. For me, ritual helps. Turning your mind to it instead of away from it; letting yourselves fully experience the loss. You made a space in your lives for this new person and now that space holds a terrible absence. Be gentle and kind with each other and don't be surprised if the grief comes out in unexpected ways for quite a while. (((((<3)))))

Whatever you do, don't use. The pain you are experiencing will only be magnified after whatever brief respite you get while high. Tell yourself that this is a good teacher, this pain. Make yourself a good student of what it has to teach. When you and your wife are ready to open back up to trying to conceive again, you will be that much stronger and more ready than ever to be a father.<3
 
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