Mental Health I can't do it because of my mom

[Mjo95jr]

I contemplate suicide almost daily, and it is almost constant when I am in a depressive mood. I know that I need help and this is why I am seeing a therapist, taking medication and trying. I just want it to be over. I'm just done, but I can't because of the wake if I actually do it. Its the only thing preventing me. Can you guys please help me to see past this and keep me from doing it. Its only getting worse. I know I'm young [19] and I have a lot ahead. I just don't care enough, I want to just be done with everything. Please guys help me to see why it is not the way to go because its all I think about.

 

[jammin83]

Are you using drugs besides meds? If not, some meds make people suicidal, in spite of the fact that that is what they are prescribed for. You may want to try and get off of them if you feel this way. I am 31 now. I was in a similar situation as you at your age. I spent over 10 years trying to find the right drug, med, or combination of drugs and meds because I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe there is, but meds and drugs don't help for me and many others. In the end, it has compounded my problem to the point that it is almost too much to deal with. Often, we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I don't know how many times I think I can't go on another day, but I somehow do. I get through it and I come out stronger than before.

Change takes time. Every day small changes lead to major improvements. Filling your life with goals and things that you want and deserve are what helps you lead a fulfilled life. Don't give into futility. It's a lie and a trap. I know people lead their own path but please heed my advice. You can spend lots of years searching for things in drugs or you can be smart and listen to someone who has already tried that way and messed up their life. Save yourself the pain and misery and give up on the quest for a chemical cure. It doesn't exist.

Keep your head up! Things will change and will get better if you put the work in.

 

[herbavore]

At 19 there is also the possibility that the medications you are on are actually contributing to your suicidal thoughts. Talk frankly with your doctor about this possibility. I know how hard it is to make living better when you are in a state where nothing seems to matter and you cannot connect. Have you ever thought of trying a reputable wilderness program? Nature has a way of healing people on a much deeper level than many common therapies.

Hold on even when you cannot see why you are holding on. Your age is not easy for anyone (no matter how it looks from the outside) and adding depression on top of it is really a heavy burden. Acceptance of your true self is a lifelong struggle but it is the antidote to depression. See if you can get your hands on some Buddhist philosophy in the form of books or podcasts--it has helped me through some pretty negative thought loops in my life.

 

[Mjo95jr]

@jammin83 I just take the meds my doctor prescribed. Ive never done drugs and dont plan on it, I understand it in that sense they will never help, but I just have to try something. Im in therapy as well but I dont think it is helping. I know the feeling just pushing through and the people I would leave behind are the only reason I dont do it and force my self to go on. I find even that hard sometimes and that is when I get my darkest.
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@herbavore ive always thought that Buddhist philosophy was something that interested me I just havent gotten around to it. Maybe this is a chance to give it a go.
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Thank you both for the advice. I know it's tough and I wrote that in a dark state looking for some light. Im still not great right now but ill try. Thank you again, both of you.

 

[Flickering]

I probably would have taken my life by now if it weren't for my family, especially my mother. I think I know where you're coming from.

But, I haven't seriously contemplated suicide in about nine months now, even though this has been the hardest year of my life.

If the only thing you're holding on to is that you don't want to hurt somebody, then hold on to that until you can see there's another side. Life can be brutal and human society is toxic to people who think and feel. Your reaction to the world is actually perfectly natural. But it isn't the only reaction possible, and you're not stuck in it for life. You will change. You will experience things you never would've imagined, if you stick it through. None of that means much right now, because you cannot reason your way out of a terrible mindset. But it's true all the same.

If you want to start with Buddhism or oriental philosophy from a western perspective, Alan Watts is a good place to start. If you're capable of feeling awe, seek out those moments where you stand and stare in wonder at the rolling mountainscapes, the oceans, the desert dunes, and eventually, even the ecosystem of the human environment. It may not be happiness, exactly, but it can make life worth it all the same.

Hang in there. A lot more people understand than you might think.

 

[herbavore]

A lot more people understand than you might think.

So true but so easy to lose sight of.

 

[Mjo95jr]

If you're capable of feeling awe, seek out those moments where you stand and stare in wonder at the rolling mountainscapes, the oceans, the desert dunes, and eventually, even the ecosystem of the human environment. It may not be happiness, exactly, but it can make life worth it all the same.

I do feel the awe of nature, I have always enjoyed landscapes void of humans in the picture, be it a stone structure, or a boathouse on a river. I just hope I can remember these things when I reach a dark state. I am still learning to cope with my depression, I don't even like to say it out loud. To me its a word that holds power over me and I feel weak to it.

Hang in there. A lot more people understand than you might think.

This is the hardest part for me. The fact that people care more than I can imagine makes me feel helpless in a sense. That they deserve better of me and that having to deal with and care for me in a depressive state. Even when I am not, knowing it looms over my head and is in the future and I have no control, or at least I don't at this point in my life, makes me feel weak. Caring is the part I don't understand and don't think I ever will. I haven't even discussed it with my Dad, my Mom has, but I don't even want to. I only told my Mom because I wanted to try to get help. To me I feel as if my depression is just that, it is mine, not to share or lighten the weight among others. Over the past week I have been feeling slightly better waning out of this depressive episode, but I am fearful for the next occurrence.

I feel helpless.

 

[zuvulu]

Although noone can actually BE the unique you, I can tell you that from what you describe, I have been there--often!! In the past I felt SO desperate I would call strangers--often people on helplines, and just share the most personal details. I found it helped, because I felt like a pressure cooker about to explode and HAD to let it out by talking about it

I agree with people here about the so-called 'meds'. This culture is insane, and its central social controlling myth is the myth of mental illness. It in effect BLAMES THE BRAIN. To this culture's mindset you are a robot/machine, and if you cannot cope for whatever reason instead of admitting that this culture BREEDS all forms of distress, it blames the individual and pushes drugs on them. It claims you have a 'chemical imbalance', but you know what? There is absolutely no medical science to prove that! Please have a look at this article which will tell you more in depth what I mean:
[h=1]Psychiatry’s Manufactured Consent: Chemical Imbalance Theory and the Antidepressant Explosion[/h]
Thing is though, the way things are set up, often the only recourse people have is to go to their doctor and to take their drugs for SOME kind of relief. And some people admittedly claim these drugs help them, and if that is their choice it is up to them. I just want people to explore the whole story.
As you say for you they are not working, and as I have learnt, these drugs can exacerbate suicidal thoughts. So please be very aware of that and ask your doctor (?) to hep you come off them, because they are addictive.

I very much encourage you to share why you are feeling like you do. Often wanting to kill ourselves is not wanting total physical death, but rather the death of the problems causing us pain. So please if you will could you share what is really bothering you in your life?

 

[Mjo95jr]

I very much encourage you to share why you are feeling like you do. Often wanting to kill ourselves is not wanting total physical death, but rather the death of the problems causing us pain. So please if you will could you share what is really bothering you in your life?

For me the problem is there is nothing that triggers it, at least nothing that I have found. For me its felt like a cyclic pain. It comes without warning, although it may take a few days to get really bad. Its as if it drains everything out of me and leaves only depression to remain. So I don't necessarily see a problem or a cause for why I feel that way and that doesn't help adding to my pain.

 

[zuvulu]

with respect, it is more like that you are suppressing knowing why you feel like that. There MUST be things in your life you hate. School, sex, uni, social life, your looks, your relationship with your parents, etc etc. The very culture, and the trouble in the world which affects us all
you must really try and become aware why you are feeling so depressed and drained

 

[Flickering]

I do feel the awe of nature, I have always enjoyed landscapes void of humans in the picture, be it a stone structure, or a boathouse on a river. I just hope I can remember these things when I reach a dark state.

There's beauty in darkness too, and also beauty in people. They're part of the natural world as well. The trick is to see it in spite of the crap they make you put up with - and I certainly am not one who has mastered that technique!

What has helped the most, this year, has been the ability to recognise that darkness is not bad. The easiest way to see that is through art, because good artists are brilliant at making you see that even the negative parts of life, the fear and the isolation and the boredom, can be every bit as beautiful as the good parts. Just now, I came across the trailer for a game called Inside. Within seconds, I was awestruck. Doesn't it just capture the way you feel sometimes? What I saw was a kid, who seems powerless, and to whom the entire world seems grey and dismal, and yet he's struggling to survive it anyway, sneaking past his peers as they amble about zombified and lifeless, often having to fit in with them while the spotlight of their attention shines on him to make sure he's not putting a single toe out of line. It's horrible, yet it's poetic. And that is exactly how I feel, most days, to the detail.

I am a very musical person, perhaps you are too. Listen to the unique way it can capture and describe your emotions. Even if the feelings are horrible, strangely, we feel compelled to keep listening. I can hardly listen to the song Beauty is Within Us without balling my eyes out, it speaks to me in a way nothing else can. What's wrong with that? Is there really anything wrong with feeling that way? When we were children, we cried when we were upset, and withdrew when we were frightened. These are all normal parts of being human. Don't hide from them, don't deny how you feel. You feel helpless? - then feel helpless, it's a natural reaction. Just let yourself be yourself. The curious thing is, the moment you let it flow, you'll find you feel better after.

 

[herbavore]

Flickering is definitely onto something that might not eliminate your depression but can change your relationship to it and in so doing may make it much easier to experience. You have feelings (or lack thereof, as in depression) and then you have the thoughts about those feelings and you develop a relationship that magnifies the original feeling. Take depression as an example. There is depression--the feeling is flat and lifeless. But what are the thoughts connected to the feeling? Fear that it will never cease, fear that it will hold you apart from others in some inescapable way forever, fear that you will not survive it. There is guilt. Guilt that you are causing only suffering to your family, guilt that you cannot intellectually talk yourself out of the funk, guilt that you exist as a problem in your own mind, that you are 'weak'. All these thoughts are reactions to the one true feeling. What if you could change your thoughts? I'm not meaning to trivialize depression by any means by putting a "positive spin" on it. Rather I am thinking that it may be a part of you that with some degree of acceptance can become less burdensome; and by becoming less burdensome will probably happen less and with less intensity.

I will give you an example of something similar in my own life. My son died tragically and very young four years ago. For at least a year I was overwhelmed with guilt and depression and a sadness so profound that I did not think I would ever truly be alive again. I cried nearly constantly and when I was not crying it was because I was so emptied out that depression just offered me some kind of perverse resting state. Everyone seemed to need me to be "fixed", to be happy again, to not feel the sadness to the degree I was feeling it, or at least with such constancy. This only added to my problems. I ended up doing a sort of walk-about by myself for four months for the express purpose of getting the space I needed to simply be the destroyed person I felt like without having to hide it or dress it up in any way for others. What I found is a balance inside that is fragile, tenuous, but something that I can count on inside. I accept my sadness. I still cry every day. But I also laugh. I feel appreciation again, for the world, for my world, and I think it is directly related to not trying to overcome the sadness. I won't go so far as to say I welcome it when it comes, but I do not dread it, nor do I try in any way to escape it. It comes, I experience it fully without fear or guilt or fatalism (eg."why will this never end?") and then it goes. Happiness or contentment can never be experienced in anything more than moments. But the same is true for what we think of as negative emotions like anger or sadness--but these are the emotions that we tend to fix in place by a whole host of thoughts. When we feel happy we do not have anxiety that we will 'always' feel happy!

I would really advise you to find someone trained in mindfulness or Buddhist thought that can help you become aware of your thoughts. We have the power to change our thoughts--everything else is out of our control. Don't worry about your parents. They may indeed sometimes feel burdened by your depression because they worry for you. All parents want their children to be happy and content--it's in our DNA. But they also see that what makes you YOU is a delicate and deep nature and I'm sure they love you for that as much as any other aspect of yourself. My son was bipolar and very intense. He used to say when he was depressed that we would all be happier without him as his rages and depressions and impulsivity caused so much strife. He could never imagine how much we loved the whole package of him, how much we miss even the most painful aspects of his nature and experience.

Here is my last thought: people often feel weak when they have struggles such as yours. It is assumed that if you were strong that you would be outgoing and happy and energetic. But often the very people that have to struggle with darkness--those that have an intimacy with this side of their natures have a strength that those who never allow even a hint of such emotions into their lives simply do not have.

 

[Mjo95jr]

I am a very musical person, perhaps you are too. Listen to the unique way it can capture and describe your emotions. Even if the feelings are horrible, strangely, we feel compelled to keep listening.

I too am a musical person, not musically talented, but I enjoy music and don't remember a day in recent memory where I haven't listened to music. I understand the emotions and feelings associated. I will try to take a deeper "look" at these feelings and emotions and see if it can draw something out of me. I have always avoided music that would make me feel that way and if I listen to it I just take it at face value subconsciously to push off or hide what I feel.

Flickering is definitely onto something that might not eliminate your depression but can change your relationship to it and in so doing may make it much easier to experience. You have feelings (or lack thereof, as in depression) and then you have the thoughts about those feelings and you develop a relationship that magnifies the original feeling. Take depression as an example. There is depression--the feeling is flat and lifeless. But what are the thoughts connected to the feeling? Fear that it will never cease, fear that it will hold you apart from others in some inescapable way forever, fear that you will not survive it. There is guilt. Guilt that you are causing only suffering to your family, guilt that you cannot intellectually talk yourself out of the funk, guilt that you exist as a problem in your own mind, that you are 'weak'. All these thoughts are reactions to the one true feeling. What if you could change your thoughts? I'm not meaning to trivialize depression by any means by putting a "positive spin" on it. Rather I am thinking that it may be a part of you that with some degree of acceptance can become less burdensome; and by becoming less burdensome will probably happen less and with less intensity.

This actually sums it up really well. This is how I feel toward my depression especially when I start slinking into a darker and darker state; The feeling of overwhelming guilt and often anger toward myself because I can't just be happy, I can't just go back to feeling good. I do see now that this may cause an additive effect to my depression. As I am a fairly logical person, I almost always think out my actions and put logic over emotion, it feels extra difficult for me to deal with emotion solely based what I feel.

In times where I feel "normal" or good emotionally I have the strength to work through and think clearly, but when I am in a dark state I lose some of this clarity and it is clouded with these additive effects as you have explained. I feel as though I would lose control or feel worse if I just accepted it. As you have explained it should help, I just don't feel accepting it would. And yes I do feel like I lack information and wisdom on this topic, and yet I just don't see how I even could accept it even if I could. Hopefully questioning this is normal and that this may still be something to help me rather than be lost on me.

 

[Flickering]

There is depression--the feeling is flat and lifeless. But what are the thoughts connected to the feeling? Fear that it will never cease, fear that it will hold you apart from others in some inescapable way forever, fear that you will not survive it. There is guilt. Guilt that you are causing only suffering to your family, guilt that you cannot intellectually talk yourself out of the funk, guilt that you exist as a problem in your own mind, that you are 'weak'. All these thoughts are reactions to the one true feeling.

That's a much better way to put it, actually.

He used to say when he was depressed that we would all be happier without him as his rages and depressions and impulsivity caused so much strife. He could never imagine how much we loved the whole package of him, how much we miss even the most painful aspects of his nature and experience.

Exactly. It's hard to understand when you're in that mindset. But we all get it. We're experiencing the same lack of self-worth even though it manifests differently. One of the most painful things about depression for me is the frustration, every day and week I lose to it is another stretch of time in which I failed to achieve what I was capable of, and it compounds upon itself until I feel I haven't succeeded at anything at all since I was about fifteen, and after a decade, that's clearly not about to change. I also tend to assume people see the worst in me, or if they don't, it's just because they don't know me well enough. These are of course all projections of my own self-hate. In my more lucid moments I recognise they're not real and in fact very inaccurate.

It sounds to me like we're describing much the same thing:

This is how I feel toward my depression especially when I start slinking into a darker and darker state; The feeling of overwhelming guilt and often anger toward myself because I can't just be happy, I can't just go back to feeling good.

Herbavore is right about mindfulness, it's by far the best way to learn to accept these things rather than fight yourself inch for inch through every day.

And if you can't do that yet, that's okay too. I still struggle with it daily. I lose it for weeks at a time and get it back again. It's one of those things that takes practice, you're reprogramming your entire mindset and the more you do, the deeper you'll see it goes.

 

[zuvulu]

Here is an analogy. OK, I cannot explain how much I hated school. Although I was a kid full of spirit, really into asking questions, loved dancing, singing, laughing, playing games with my friends at home, school was an absolute curse--a dread-blanket. So say I went on holiday, I would have a great time but as that monday got nearer it was a dread of grimness that descended over my young full-of-spirit head, as it was every week on Sunday, espesh at night when it is soon gonna be monday morning

What's a kid to do? In our country if you don't go your parents can fined and even jailed if you continue not going. THAT is oppression!! It is enforced. But when I was a kid it was such a given you don't think of the whys and how this nightmare came about, you can feel depressed and you don't know why, because the very thing making you like that is 'invisible' so to speak, because you are meant to take for granted it is 'the reality'. So if you hate it, are failing, or even successful but yet still not feeling alright there is often no deeper understanding WHY--the roots of it

And I was to find the roots of the hows and whys the schooling system came about many years later when I got online and discovered about John Taylor Gatto who reveals the history and roots of the 'education' system and how it is VERY not in the best interests of children or their parents!! Finding that out vindicated all my experiences with the place. it made me feel good that I DIDN'T fit into such a foul enterprise and however unconscious had suspected something was not right

Well there is an analogy between that and the culture itself, because it is the shakers and movers OF this culture who make millions of kids have to endure that institution. So to see through the 'education' system is to begin seeing through the larger context it operates in

 

[Mjo95jr]

And if you can't do that yet, that's okay too. I still struggle with it daily. I lose it for weeks at a time and get it back again. It's one of those things that takes practice, you're reprogramming your entire mindset and the more you do, the deeper you'll see it goes.

In addition to all the advice you guys have given me, and I am very grateful for it, it makes me feel better to know it is always a fight. Its something to live with and work through, not to ignore. Just the fact that its not just me struggling helps tremendously.

Im trying to be an active member here not only for me but for others becasue I do know the pain. Thank you all for the support, I really needed it.

I don't know how quickly I can work on all of these things but I will try.

 

[herbavore]

^I'm glad that you are feeling a little more strength and hopefulness.

 

[Mjo95jr]

I fear for the future, but this did help. And as I explained it feels cyclic for me, Just a matter of time, haha. But I laugh because I'm trying. Thank you all again.

 

[Flickering]

I'm glad we've been able to offer something. Take care and feel free to get in touch if you need to talk. And yes, helping others out is a great way to help yourself, so definitely stick around here. Even the stuff you read on online forums can be really eye-opening.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I fear for the future, but this did help. And as I explained it feels cyclic for me, Just a matter of time, haha. But I laugh because I'm trying. Thank you all again.

I know depression well and can related to what you've said. I think the steps you are taking are admirable and necessary, but you may have to do more. You're worth it.

Depression is a pesky cycle that can be really hard to break, but I promise you this, it is not hopeless no matter how hopeless it feels. I'm not trivializing for a second what you are going through. I was amazed how persistent my depression could be. I'd work really hard on one thing to get some resolution, and then it kept coming back up in some other way. It's really hard to pin it down. Here's what my won journey to heal myself lead me to understand. To address depression in it's entirety, you have to take care of yourself physically (sleep, nutritious food & medication), mentally (learning to address and direct your thoughts and learning to articulate your situation), emotionally (learn to feel more deeply what it is you are feeling — all emotions, even the ones that you don't want to feel —listen to it like you would a small child who is having an emotional reaction and you are helping them through it). Finally, a spiritual practice is important too. Meditation, prayer, church etc. Whatever attracts you and whatever you are most receptive to. It can seem daunting to have to do all these things to get better when your condition makes it difficult to function, but good news is you are doing it already. Now engage in the process more consciously, realizing that this is what you are doing. The beautiful thing about addressing it in this way is that when things do change(and they always do eventually), it's permanent. You don't have to hold-by-force your own happiness if such a thing is possible. Your medication starts to feel too strong and you discover you might need less or none at all. It transforms into a kind of vigilance and wisdom. Address you depression holistically is my advice. I shed a tear for your struggle but know that your depression may just be the best learning experience you will ever have, so time to listen to what this teacher is telling you.