Over the last ten years, I've had a pretty disgusting existence and can barely look at myself in the mirror. I've been in the psych ward about 30 times for psychosis since my first break at 19, now at 29 I'm unemployed and back living at my mom's place. But it's not just the psychosis that's destroyed my life. I also hate life from a philosophical standpoint that's independent of my circumstance. The whole system we are brought into is a fucking joke. I hate the bullshit concept of money and making a living, I just resent existing in this system in general. Over the last five years I've traveled a lot, which I should feel grateful for, but most of what I've felt was a since of disgust of the excess poverty/inequality everywhere I've been. In Medellin for instance, you have pieces of shit gentrifying the whole city, while a sizeable population lives in houses made out of plastic. No exaggeration. Leave the tourist area in that cesspool and that is what you see. An enormous garbage dump near a river that should be blue but has turned mud brown due to waste, with plastic houses alongside it. Depressing and sickening to see, especially considering that here in the US you have companies paying thousands of dollars to advertise prescription drugs, injury attorneys, etc, and even the worst off here have it a lot better than most of the world.
I don't mean to rant but I have just had enough. Money can eat shit, the bankers and politicians can eat shit as well. As I get older, I find that most people are pretty selfish, worthless creatures, who would sell out of their own family for the right price. Everything is about money even if not everyone wants to admit it. There is no reason whatsoever that people should be living the nightmare they do, while most people I come across in the US are unbelievably ungrateful. Walk into a walmart and most people look like they've just crawled out of the sewer. Repulsive. Anyway, I'm just done. Done with this country, done with my own shitty health, done with this trash life. Don't know what I aim to accomplish with this but needed to vent.