How to WANT to be sober?

[AwakeningCT]

Hello everyone, I am 22 y.o. and struggling with my sobriety and it is having a major impact on my life and family. My DOCs were xanax, alcohol, and pot. I keep relapsing with the xanax and each time it is pretty bad... Awful drug. I do not have a physical dependence at this point (thank god) but I need to never touch those damn bars again. (I've said this before)

Anyway I am always able to string together months of sobriety but never make a real solid commitment. I see a therapist, had a brief stint with AA, but I clearly have reservations when it comes to my sobriety. I feel pretty good when I'm 100% sober but i often feel like I need "at least pot."

Still living with mom/dad really complicates everything. They took away my car which really set me off since I 100% bought it and pay all the bills/insurance. I understand taking my keys if I am clearly under the influence, but I havent used drugs in days, and its MY CAR. I also somewhat have my life on hold as I withdrew from school when I was just 3 semesters away from a degree. Although I will be continuing elsewhere come January.

Anyway I am just looking for some type of advice. I relapsed around thanksgiving with the xanax and I am smoking pot still. My therapist is really urging involvement in AA and of course total sobriety, pot and all. I haven't been drinking alcohol which had been a huge issue with me about a yr ago. I just don't know what to do or think. Any responses are appreciated. Thanks.

 

[szuko000]

There is unfortunately no one way to make it so you want to get clean. It is my belief that most people fall short because they do not know how to apply their drive to something more rewarding. The main problem is drugs are just so easy simply getting the drug facilitates the reward so you do not need to do a lot of work to be rewarded. You must learn to apply the drive to something external that is very rewarding and fulfilling for you. It is about finding fulfillment and purpose in life not about wanting to get clean that happens once you have something to get clean for. People say get clean for yourself but you need to make it so you realize you are better clean then not so you need to find motivation for that first.

My finally achieving the point where i can say "i wont relapse" came recently and it was my second round as prior to relapsing i was clean for about a year or a little longer but i didnt find my purpose. This time around i got my g/f on methadone so shes clean to and i focus on science. I realize now how clouded i was constantly thinking about heroin. Even if i wasnt using my girlfriend still was so that meant i had to think about heroin and money. It was not hard to stay clean during that even though she was a daily IV user i was clean however, my life was dedicated to her heroin use even if she had just shot up and was fine with everything. I have come to realize that the biggest problem with drugs is they stole my focus and drive from what it should have been, always a gifted scientist from the moment i could talk, to one of drugs. Its like the allegory of the cave finally left the cave of false knowledge and was blinded by the sun shining its light of all i could try to put my focus to in an effort to understand. I have become much more secure in who i am now and i actually for the first time in my life think of myself as a chemist. Its what i went to school for and what i do best but i never had the focus to apply what i should have to it.

Sorry for the bit of a derail but thats my point i was always this person i just returned to myself with an additional 4 years of experience and wisdom from being alive. I feel that somehow 4 years of opiate use its like it made me better in some way like now that i am older i have a hold on my racing brain that use to flood me with thoughts. Its hard to convey but you need fulfillment in your life if you are struggling with trying to attain the desire to stay clean.

 

[kace]

Why do you use Xanax? Is it because of anxiety? Does weed make you anxious and crave benzos?

It did for me.. Weed = panic attacks, crazy anxiety, which made me abuse benzos. I had to give up weed to give up benzos. Don't fall into that trap.

It sounds like you have a good support network, keep it up.

 

[AwakeningCT]

I see what you are saying. It is important to have things in life that you must get sober for. I had been sober a a few months and got into bike riding, working a lot, bought a car. Now I have had this small slip up.

I will be returning to college soon and finishing my RN degree is certainly something that SHOULD help me want to stay sober. Hopefully it will.

I am just having a hard time struggling with the addiction. Mine at this point is purely mental, I am not physically dependent on anything at the moment. I need to convince myself that I don't need anything, even marijuana. I guess it's just hard because I am young.

 

[AwakeningCT]

I would consider myself to be shy with people I don't know and this does bother me but it is not bad at all. Certainly not anything to the point where I feel I need any medication.

Why do I use xanax? It's hard to say. With my recent relapse I realize it makes me scattered, sleepy, unmotivated, risky behavior, etc etc. Nothing good. It does relieve anxiety if course but I ALWAYS overdue it. I guess the fact that every time I use it something bad happens is a positive. I just need to stop returning to it.

And as far as using marijuana and drinking goes I really only indulge in marijuana occasionally and my parents wouldn't let me drink because of past alcohol abuse.

I'm just in a tough spot right now and not sure where to turn, but thank you so everyone for your responses.

 

[szuko000]

I think it does get easier once you get older because you are more comfortable in your own skin sort of speak. When I was younger i think a lot of the problem was i was at conflict between who i think i am and who i am, I was also unfulfilled in my love life and the only thing i had going for me was I am smart and had the ability to go to college. For me college was isolating and i drank 375mL of vodka a night to sleep as I was depressed and had racing thoughts at night. Its funny because once i got out of college i met my g/f and together we rocketed into the depths of heroin addiction and are just staring to fly out of that hole we started digging 4 years ago. And the biggest change to the whole thing like i said happened very recently and we were at rock bottom at one point.

Life happens fast and as you get older you will adjust to being you and provided you keep trying to improve yourself you will never lose the you that you are. I spent years smoking crack and shooting dope only to find that i still know the advanced chemistry i learned in an alcohol fueled daze. There is hope for us all but i will not lie to you and say the road is easy i will say provided you never give up on yourself you will get through to the other side but it takes effort.

Just keep trying and never think that its a losing battle. If i could somehow show you some of the dark days that i kept telling my girlfriend someday this will be a bad memory we hide from people, she told me i was wrong and we would never never get out of the problem IV heroin created. I get to say i told you so to the world and that i knew if i kept trying we would both be ok. Just dont give up.

 

[placid space]

Just keep trying and never think that its a losing battle. If i could somehow show you some of the dark days that i kept telling my girlfriend someday this will be a bad memory we hide from people, she told me i was wrong and we would never never get out of the problem IV heroin created. I get to say i told you so to the world and that i knew if i kept trying we would both be ok. Just dont give up.

That is awesome. But IMO its more difficult if you have nothing in the relatively near forseable future to look forward to in order to motivate yourself. If you didnt have that rather promising future but were a warehouse worker for example, do you think you would still make it then?

 

[Stargazer]

I love BL...its good to hear all different experiences, etc. I appreciate the openness to share from some of the members.

I didn't know so many others also felt severe anxiety from smoking weed...the anxiety get from smoking rivals a bad trip. I wish I were able to smoke to calm down, but that's never going to happen.

^^Very good question placid space. At this moment in my life, it's not like I have one set goal in mind to motivate or excite me about my future. I made such a mess of my life on my last relapse-my worst ever in fact. I'm working on starting over again. Since I have no set goal, it's more about creating a life that I'm happy about...and one that works. I have spent years with unadressed issues...that I started to address over the past year. That in itself eased my mind a lot, and at the same time brings sadness wishing I could've done it prior to messing everything up.

So, without a huge, specific future in mind, I think we can still make it. I know it's going to be so much more difficult than it would've been had I not blown all of my money...but, then I think maybe this is exactly how it had to happen in order for me to get where I'm going to end up. I don't know...it's a difficult question lol.

 

[szuko000]

That is awesome. But IMO its more difficult if you have nothing in the relatively near forseable future to look forward to in order to motivate yourself. If you didnt have that rather promising future but were a warehouse worker for example, do you think you would still make it then?

I never actually graduated and when i got forced out of school for financial reasons I started working at a grocery store for minimum wage at 24 with my supervisor being a year younger then me. I actually did move around produce in a produce freezer for my job so i was almost a warehouse worker I did get a ok desk job about a year and a half later but i never made use of my schooling in the traditional sense. I do make a decent chunk over minimum wage but i will never get promoted or full time here and this business is failing.

Then take the example of my fiance. she was suicidal with treatment resistant depression before i met her but now that shes gotten on methadone and is the person i follow to quit she thinks better of herself. I still keep that her depression and suicidal tendencies will be something we deal with forever same with her anxiety but its all manageable now that shes not shooting up. She gets down because your right unlike me its different when you dont have as many prospects. Shes really intelligent but never got the experience i did and as of now we are on year 3 of me supporting both of us in a sense. We live at our respective parents houses and my new thing is "dont worry your going to find an awesome job that will make the struggle worth it." She does cry at night sometimes because of her short comings but i am ever the positive thinker so i try to reassure her but i can not give her life purpose and meaning.

She is still able to keep a positive outlook a lot of the time because she did so well on methadone she at least has that to carry. But my main point is not giving up is what got us here and now that we are here she actually likes being sober she would never have become the person she did if not for over coming an addiction. We are forced to make our own happiness and it would have been so easy to just keep repeating the same day over and over as we had for like 3 years but breaking the cycle and actually getting away from it has shown us both the world we were missing out on. I think we all have to make our own happiness and prospects. I may be innately intelligent but i still have to battle everyday to move forward especially if i ever wanna work outside of the call center industry.

 

[fluorescein]

The best way to want to be sober is to experience serious unintentional negative consequences from your use. To be perfectly honest.

 

[Kittycat5]

The best way to want to be sober is to experience serious unintentional negative consequences from your use. To be perfectly honest.

I dont think this is really true. There are plenty of examples of people having horrific consequences of their drug use and not only continue to use but not even want to think about sobriety.

To try and answer the question, my best answer is I cannot. In 20 years of using drugs I have yet to come up with a reason why I do so. All I can offer is dont leave any option on the table. I have only recently begun to try to figure this shit out and know I can rationalize my use every time. I am now considering every option out there to finally come to terms with living life without the drugs I abuse and how to get there.

I would also like to add make sure the sobriety is the correct one for you personally. Many people in the fields of substance abuse rehabilitation may think I am crazy, but being completely sober is often an unattainable goal and a hindrance. If it works for you great, but being a bit of a pragmatist, I think finding ways to quit the stuff doing the harm is a vastly superior way of thinking for many of us. Good luck and wishing you the best.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Imo it's not a case of wanting sobriety, let's face it almost none of us want sobriety for sobrieties sake. It's a case of wanting the things that using stands in the way of more than you want to use. What does using stand in the way of for you, and how badly do you want those things?

 

[AwakeningCT]

That's a great point. Almost like looking at the consequences of using vs not using

 

[Jabberwocky]

Yea it's pretty hard to want sobriety when you've forgotten what it is like.

 

[closeau]

Sure is. I believe you have to have the negatives outweigh the pros but you really gotta want it. If you dont youll continue to dabble or worse fall into something harder. Youre still young and have a wonderful chance to nip this in the bud and live your life. I started when i was 12 and now im 40. Ill have a year drinking in Feb but had a struggle with my opiates about a month ago for 2 weeks. Im straight now but see...... Thats my whole fucking life and ive never lived cause ive been married to a substance. Now this is just me personally but the only thing that helps me is being around others lie me and listening to them share their experience and im usually like, hey, thats me. Especially one on one experience sharing and the only place i can find that are the rooms of AA. I would personally listen to your therapist and try to go. Ive bounced in and out for 10 yrs but the program has saved my life many times over. Youll realize youre not alone, just like being on here with allbof us but face to face. You dont have to say shit or give a dollar or stay after or anything. Just showing up is the most important thing and the cool thing about AA is a year or two from now a girl is gonna come in to her first meeting who is just like you were and you can share your story and help her and help yourself at the same time. But thats just me. However you do it please try now why youre young. I know you can do it. We all here on this site have your back and youre not alone. Good luck and check in with us snd let us know how you are.

 

[cj]

Imo it's not a case of wanting sobriety, let's face it almost none of us want sobriety for sobrieties sake. It's a case of wanting the things that using stands in the way of more than you want to use. What does using stand in the way of for you, and how badly do you want those things?

That's true. I think you need to sit down and do an honest appraisal of how each individual drug you are using is effecting your life. I did this when I got on methadone maintenance and it has really helped me sort out my feelings. I don't do NA/AA because the whole premise that any drug use will lead to disaster in my life doesn't really resonate with me. I am able to smoke pot without going out and relapsing on harder drugs. My advice to you is too focus on not using Xanax or any harder drugs. After you have some time off of those you can see how you feel about quitting pot.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Now that is really thoughtful advice I could see working for the OP. Wish someone in a position of authority on the subject had suggested that to me when I first sought help...

 

[manboychef]

first a little parable: Within each person there are two dogs. The dogs are always at odds, fighting one another for control. One dog is not interested in what will be full-filling or healthy in your life...he is the dog that wants you to continue to use no matter the consequences. The other dog is the opposite of the first dog. He wants to achieve, he wants to be healthy, he wants to distance himself from negative consequences. You stand before them with a dish of food. Whichever dog you choose to feed more will in due time prevail over the other.

Life is a series of choices. I live by the ethos "do the next right thing". It is simple. Basically, even if you make a mistake, you can still do the next thing right, or make a positive choice.

It all comes down to choices. You do not have to be entirely abstinent from drugs, however the if the use becomes problematic then I would suggest seeking more help and broadening your support network. I would highly suggest staying away from the xanax...I am actually with your parents on taking the keys if that is what you are using. The use of xanax and then driving, especially when you said bad things happen when you take it, could mean a DUI charge or possibly death of yourself or someone else.

I hope for bright things in your future.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I wish you could see the huge shit eating grin in my face right now chef! That is one of my favorite stories, although I learned a very slightly different version of it:

"An old Cherokee is teaching her granddaughter about life. "A fight is going on inside me," she says to the child, "It is a terrible fight between two wolves."

"One wolf is evil, he is anger, he is sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, shame, rensentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego."

"The other is good, he is joy, he is peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The old woman tells the child, "These two wolves are fighting inside you too. These wil
Wolve battle inside each and every other person too."

The child thoughtfully asks the old woman, "The wolves inside of you, which wolf won?"

The grandmother replies, "The one you feed."

Such a useful story. To be good, to live well, all that's required of us is to do good, to do well. Sometimes it all sounds a little clichéd too me, but it's really not. It is much more profound.

 

[AwakeningCT]

Wow all of these responses have been incredibly helpful. Manboy in particular I love that story. I also really like the concept of just "doing that next right thing." Simple and easy to apply. Thanks. And yes the xanax and driving is of course a serious concern, I can't even try to argue with them taking my keys in that situation. If it comes up with my pot smoking, then who knows..

But again thanks everyone for the insight. Becoming involved in AA is something I am still struggling with. Lately, because I am in a state of "I can at least smoke pot" and then I feel like I don't need anything else, while still doing well in school etc. Of course marijuana smoking isn't cool in AA. so I guess I should at least try to make it to meetings while continuing in my way and possibly will have a change of heart. Who knows