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How many times should you forgive?

Thanks guys

Still not sure where we are at. We went for a walk round the park yesterday and tried to talk things through but I found him reminiscing on good times rather than wanting to talk about what's happening now.

Ultimately he said he's ashamed, he's going to try to get help again, go back to his meetings etc. Only he can commit to that, I've told him I'm not interested in hearing him say it, let's see him do it.

I have decided that my life with him will be a rocky road as I will never 100% believe that he won't relapse. What I've not decided is whether that life is for me.

Cduggles - that thread is so sad. It shows how gripping addiction is. That could easily be me. I hope his wife finds peace, she really did everything in her power to help him, it just wasn't enough :(
 
CloverC said:
Thanks guys

Still not sure where we are at. We went for a walk round the park yesterday and tried to talk things through but I found him reminiscing on good times rather than wanting to talk about what's happening now.

Ultimately he said he's ashamed, he's going to try to get help again, go back to his meetings etc. Only he can commit to that, I've told him I'm not interested in hearing him say it, let's see him do it.

I have decided that my life with him will be a rocky road as I will never 100% believe that he won't relapse. What I've not decided is whether that life is for me.

Cduggles - that thread is so sad. It shows how gripping addiction is. That could easily be me. I hope his wife finds peace, she really did everything in her power to help him, it just wasn't enough :(
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While I definitely don't want to apologize for his bad behavior (and I definitely think you're right to be skeptical), I'll just mention that if he does find a way to gain traction on this problem, he may very well end up being a solid partner. One of the unfortunate canards sold by mainstream addiction treatment is "once an addict, always an addict." Sure, there's always a chance someone will relapse. But many people are able to make huge strides away from addiction. Again, though, that's an issue for much later...for now he's got some serious, hard work to do.
 
simco said:
While I definitely don't want to apologize for his bad behavior (and I definitely think you're right to be skeptical), I'll just mention that if he does find a way to gain traction on this problem, he may very well end up being a solid partner. One of the unfortunate canards sold by mainstream addiction treatment is "once an addict, always an addict." Sure, there's always a chance someone will relapse. But many people are able to make huge strides away from addiction. Again, though, that's an issue for much later...for now he's got some serious, hard work to do.
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Very well said.
 
All the time, I unless you need time. It's good for your heart and soul imo.

Edit
Always. Unless you angry and need time
 
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Hi there! I'm sorry to hear that you've been having a difficult time in your marriage. I have a somewhat similar situation in that my husband is addicted. Our marriage is a mess (mostly due to reasons outside of addiction, though that was a factor) and I don't know what will happen in the long term, but I do know that enlightening myself about the true nature of addiction has made it much easier to forgive and be compassionate. There is a quote from the journalist and author Johann Hari which states that "the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection." This is mind blowing when you think about it. Addicted people do not need "tough love" or to reach ""rock bottom." What they need is to be loved and supported while they navigate a remarkably difficult stage of life. Coming to understand that addiction is a learned behavior that helps people who, for any number of reasons, feel that they need to escape their environment in some way. This does not absolve the addicted person of responsibility, but it is a more enlightened approach to addiction that the disease model which loses a great deal if credibility when thoroughly examined. If you enjoy reading, I would highly recommend Marc Lewis' "Memoir of an Addicted Brain" and "The Biology of Desire" as well as "Chasing the Scream" by Johann Hari whom I mentioned earlier.

No one can tell you whether you should or should not continue to forgive your husband. For me at least, I was able to achieve a great deal if clarity and peace through learning about how addiction truly develops and functions. Please feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to, everyone need allies!

Also, there is no need to be discouraged that 12 step fellowships have not helped much. Even though they are the most well known form of "treatment" many experts contend that they are minimally effective at best. Some estimates from NA itself propose that only 5% of addicted people achieve one year of sobriety through it's program.
 
Erikmen understood. Let me put it this way: When I got to recovery I truly believe (falsely) that if I could get everyone I hurt to love and forgive me, that I would be ok. What I came to understand through a rigorous process is that if I can learn to love and forgive everyone I will experience true peace. How you feel about me has very little effect on my life, but how I feel about you has the potential of haunting me 24/7-365. Therefore, "how many times should I forgive?" is best answered by, "Everytime..." Most people want peace and serenity, but rarely choose it.
 
Dunno22 said:
Also, there is no need to be discouraged that 12 step fellowships have not helped much. Even though they are the most well known form of "treatment" many experts contend that they are minimally effective at best. Some estimates from NA itself propose that only 5% of addicted people achieve one year of sobriety through it's program.
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Its crazy in the little nook i'm involved in I think around 50% of the NA members have over a year right now. Pretty amazing group and traditional NA is just s part of everyone's larger recovery plan. I don't think i have seen such success in the fellowships before. Kinda an evolution rolling here. Its enlightenment and self realization driven and certainly not cultish or brainwashing driven fellowships i have encountered in the past.

Its certainly back to being a part of my recovery.


I would always forgive as that healing for ourselves. I think the choice is more weather to continue to stay in a relationship that requires so much forgiveness.
 
Neversickanymore- I totally agree, after I posted I wished that I had phrased that differently. Forgiveness is separate from whether or not OP chooses to stay in her current relationship with her husband. And of course forgiveness is the healthiest choice, regardless of the outcome of the marriage.

Also that I awesome about your NA group. You are very fortunate to have that. I know many people who have had such poor experiences with the cult type.
 
Sorry, I should have split that better dunno.. The forgiveness part was for OP to consider.


I know I had some bad exspierinces with fellowships as well.. But this group around this whole area has risen above and is killing it. Glad to be a part of this and its ends are tuely spiritual.
 
jdfisse said:
Erikmen understood. Let me put it this way: When I got to recovery I truly believe (falsely) that if I could get everyone I hurt to love and forgive me, that I would be ok. What I came to understand through a rigorous process is that if I can learn to love and forgive everyone I will experience true peace. How you feel about me has very little effect on my life, but how I feel about you has the potential of haunting me 24/7-365. Therefore, "how many times should I forgive?" is best answered by, "Everytime..." Most people want peace and serenity, but rarely choose it.
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I get it now...I'm a little slow on the uptake :).

Nicely said.
 
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