TDS How many fish in the sea?

[Ashley]

So, I'm curious. My wife of 6 years has presumably left me, she ran off with another guy (to the best of my knowledge) 4 weeks ago now, I'm beginning to think that it is over. We were extremely close, I would go so far in saying that we were soul mates and I experienced what I thought was true love.

My question is this. Everyone says there are many fish in the sea, I would like to know how many of you have experienced "true love", and not gone on to find it again?

Ash.

 

[DeathDomokun]

'True love' isn't a once in a life time thing. If there's such a thing as a soul mate, there's more than one of them.
It's much more about you and your ability to love than the person you're loving.

 

[LilbabiC]

What DeathDomokun said is so true. Every thing is so raw now but, in time your wounds will heal. Please just remain open to finding love again. Don't allow your wife to steal away the best parts of you cause she obviously doesn't deserve them.

 

[Ashley]

I'm just so gobsmacked. I never would have thought she would ever do such a thing; I mean, I would've bet my life on it. Not the person that I knew anyway. It's hard to grasp the concept that I might actually be single. I mean for the entire time we were together, we literally spent 24 hours a day with each other, both of us were/are on a Disability pension so we really spent all of time together..

So, there are other people out there? As she was my life, and my only friend, my best friend. I have no idea where I'm going to meet anyone. Don't even think I have any "love" to give anyone at the moment. I'm just shattered and so so lost.

 

[herbavore]

I can only imagine what this has done to your inner sense of reality. This kind of thing can make you feel crazy. You probably don't have any love to give this early on and that is not a bad thing. You will need to build up trust in yourself again and that takes time. I know that you miss her terribly as she was your best friend and companion as well as your partner and lover. Loneliness on that level takes a huge amount of courage but in the long run it can be a good thing if you don't let it become depression. Learning to live on your own, being emotionally self-sufficient and then embarking on finding a new love will be much healthier than coming from a place of devastation and extreme need.

I think that there are many, many people in the world that we can love. Some make an easier fit but have their own excitement just because they are not an easy fit. Meeting people can be hard when you are out of school and not out in the work world but it isn't impossible. My suggestions would be to try to join in classes or groups that hold interest for you. This will serve as a place to meet people and also as an outlet for you.

Right now you are in shock; "shattered and lost" was a very apt description. Grief over such a loss has a way of turning into depression and depression can be isolating. Try to make sure you get support for this everywhere you can (counseling?) and don't let yourself become isolated.

 

[Ashley]

Thanks for the responses guys, I really needed to get that out.

herbavore: I have been trying to distract myself, been writing a lot and spending more time on BL trying to post more. Also smoking pot again after having quit 4 years ago, as it also distracts me. I just can't deal with it / think about it, you're so right when you say how damaging this has been to my "inner sense of reality", and I do feel crazy. I mean, I can't even cry. I know I want to, I need to, but I just don't feel. Sadly, I think this is spiraling into bad depression and fast. My parole officer recommended I go and see a psychologist or a counsellor - I'm not keen, I did the whole psychologist/therapist thing years ago with no success and a whole lotta bullshit. Besides, I can't put in to words our relationship and the depth with which we were connected. What could they say?

I just feel like something inside me has died.

Ash.

 

[ArtVandalay]

Man, I feel you. I was with my girl for six years. We did everything together, had a home. We were so compatible. She was the one. I mean, she was just the coolest girl- she liked really graphic horror flicks and hated chick flicks, had good taste in music, went to shows together. The sex was great. She was witty and smart and pretty. I got along with her family and vise versa.

It all went to shit. I assume she fell for a dude at her work. My secret drug addiction got out of hand. I took her for granted.

It's been a year and I still think about her every day. I hope I find someone someday. It hurts man.

 

[Cotillion]

The 2 most important things ive learned over past relationships is 1, never go searching for things that could potentially hurt you ( I.e Facebook, emails and so on where you see her ) and 2, use this time to heal and find happiness by yourself. Maybe do those things you couldn't do before. It's so common for people to just go from relationship to relationship just to fill that gap when all that does is keep you from really finding true happiness and that special someone. If you do meet someone or multiple someone's don't be afraid to say hey I just got out of a relationship and I'm being selfish right now and just date around. It's your right as a human being to do what you wanna do!

Another way I try and view relationships and love, and not everyone will agree with me but I try and look at the whole picture! I am married and I love my wife so F'in much, but if that day came when I just didn't make her happy anymore I would be hurt, but I couldn't hate her. We all live and die in a very short amount of time so we all gotta give it our best and respect other peoples journey along the way. Life is hard enough as it is, I'm sure we can all agree on that! Take that thought of being alone forever and throw it away, you'll find it in the last place you would expect to look. I'm sure it's especially hard losing your best friend at the same time, just wish her the best and push through it. You'll only end up stronger at the end

 

[DeathDomokun]

I disagree, you're going to have her on your mind, causing you pain, whether there's a formation of pixels related to her or not.
How can you say people have intimate relationships to fill the gap and then insinuate that it will bring 'true happiness'?
When you rely on someone else for validation, for happiness, to numb the inherent loneliness of existence, when you cling to that person, change will come and assail you with pain that you uncontrollably turn into suffering.
Your validation should come from within.

It's not ones right to do what you want to do, it's a possibility/opportunity but not a right. Now you just spoke about respecting others' journey and shit, so I probably just took that wrong.

From my experience, wishing her the best will get you fuck all. That's not to say you should try to attain vengeance, not at all. I'll let someone else finish my post, as I've got nothing more to add.

All the suffering that nature, chance, or fate have assigned to us does not pain us so much as suffering which is brought upon us by the arbitrary will of another. This is due to the fact that we regard nature and fate as the original rulers of the world; we look upon what befalls us, through them, as something that might have befallen every one else. Therefore in a case of suffering which arises from this source, we bemoan the fate of mankind in general more than we do our own. On the other hand, suffering inflicted on us through the arbitrary will of another is a peculiarly bitter addition to the pain or injury caused, as it involves the consciousness of another’s superiority, whether it be in strength or cunning, as opposed to our own weakness. If compensation is possible, it wipes out the injury; but that bitter addition, “I must submit to that from you,” which often hurts more than the injury itself, is only to be neutralised by vengeance. For by injuring the man who has injured us, whether it be by force or cunning, we show our superiority, and thereby annul the proof of his. This gives that satisfaction to the mind for which it has been thirsting. Accordingly, where there is much pride or vanity there will be a great desire for revenge. But as the fulfilment of every wish proves to be more or less a delusion, so is also the wish for revenge. The expected enjoyment is mostly embittered by pity; nay, gratified revenge will often lacerate the heart and torment the mind, for the motive which prompts the feeling of it is no longer active, and what is left is the testimony of our wickedness.

 

[mrflowers00]

i'm not into love more casual sex than anything else

 

[theartofwar]

I disagree, you're going to have her on your mind, causing you pain, whether there's a formation of pixels related to her or not.
How can you say people have intimate relationships to fill the gap and then insinuate that it will bring 'true happiness'?
When you rely on someone else for validation, for happiness, to numb the inherent loneliness of existence, when you cling to that person, change will come and assail you with pain that you uncontrollably turn into suffering.
Your validation should come from within.

It's not ones right to do what you want to do, it's a possibility/opportunity but not a right. Now you just spoke about respecting others' journey and shit, so I probably just took that wrong.

From my experience, wishing her the best will get you fuck all. That's not to say you should try to attain vengeance, not at all. I'll let someone else finish my post, as I've got nothing more to add.

That's some real talk , I don't have anything to add but I wanted to give props where I consider they are deserved.

 

[webbykevin]

I prefer honesty to pity.

What I mean is, if someone doesn't love me, I would rather they were honest about it and left than stayed around pretending everything was hunky dory when it isn't, How many couples (married or otherwise) have wasted years of their lives in that half assed lukewarm state, going through the motions, feeling guilty about the shallowness of the situation, regretting not having the courage to do what the OP'S ex-partner has done, sure it hurts a bit now, but in the long run you are also the one who has been set free from the situation.

Thank her for her honesty and integrity and move on with your life. Don't go looking for love, let it come and find you, this universe hates a vacuum and if you stop focusing on something (love, money, whatever) space and time will rush in to fill that void and before you know it you will have an abundance of love/wealth whatever.

But if you are already filling that space with your own energy in searching, pining for, wishing, CLINGING ! to stuff in a universe that IS constantly changing then you don't leave any space for something new to happen.

Enjoy the freedom you have at this present time, and know that NOTHING LASTS.

 

[ComingBackForMore]

24 hours a day? Everyday?

You never heard "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"?

I mean come on, nobody can do that, especially couples. There would be a mutual hate. She just happened to run off first.

When she asks to come back just make her beg for it. I mean that is if you're telling the truth. Something sounds fishy here.

 

[webbykevin]

When she asks to come back just make her beg for it.

I stand by my comment.

 

[DeathDomokun]

Thanks war

Thank her for her honesty and integrity and move on with your life. Don't go looking for love, let it come and find you, this universe hates a vacuum and if you stop focusing on something (love, money, whatever) space and time will rush in to fill that void and before you know it you will have an abundance of love/wealth whatever.

But if you are already filling that space with your own energy in searching, pining for, wishing, CLINGING ! to stuff in a universe that IS constantly changing then you don't leave any space for something new to happen.

Kevin, whilst I agree with your previous sentiments about honesty as opposed to pretense, I disagree with this. To suggest running away from a situation in such a manner is an act of keeping ones integrity is, as foots might put it, a farce. The universe is indifferent, and it will not reward you for waiting, nor does it hate. It just is. Space and time will not rush to fill a void, not to mention the difference between being void of something, and feeling like you're missing something. Emptiness and lacking are so close, yet so far apart. Would you go up to a starving family in Africa and tell them to just stop focusing on food and let the universe provide them with an abundance of it? No, you wouldn't. If you would, you're one sadistic fucker.
Anyway, I just think it's extremely painful to have your hopes raised, and I think falsely raising OP's hopes with such nonsense goes against the HR principles of BL
Hope I haven't offended you, though.

 

[alasdairm]

I have been trying to distract myself...

i feel for you.

i dated my previous girlfriend for about 4 years. when we broke up i was devastated and it took me about 6 years to get over it. i know now that it took me longer than it should have because i did not address the breakup. i tried to distract myself and i did, in all the wrong ways. if i had dealt with the pain head on, i'm sure i would have got through it more quickly. i know hindsight it near flawless but i encourage you to deal with this head on. it will be more painful in the beginning but it may serve you better when you look back on this time.



alasdair

 

[ComingBackForMore]

I stand by my comment.

What? Do you know anything?

If they were seriously married for 6 years together everyday, she will obviously contact him again.

What do you suggest he do?

 

[alasdairm]

^ that's not really the tone we're shooting for in here, comingbackformore.

you've been registered for less than a month and have only 12 posts so i'll put it down to your being a noob. you're not expected to wrap everything you say in bubble-wrap in here but you may find that, absent a little more compassion and a little less jumping to conclusions, you may find that your style of participation is more in line with other forums on bluelight, and less in line (and less welcome) in the dark side.

thanks and welcome to bluelight.

alasdair

 

[ComingBackForMore]

^ that's not really the tone we're shooting for in here, comingbackformore.

you've been registered for less than a month and have only 12 posts so i'll put it down to your being a noob. you're not expected to wrap everything you say in bubble-wrap in here but you may find that, absent a little more compassion and a little less jumping to conclusions, you may find that your style of participation is more in line with other forums on bluelight, and less in line (and less welcome) in the dark side.

thanks and welcome to bluelight.

alasdair

Yeah, read my name again.

You think this is a welcome?

 

[RedLeader]

About four years ago, I dated a woman for a bit of time who I honestly believed accepted me for who I was and everything I loved/hated about myself. I was able to be open and honest with her about everything, and after some time I really began to feel like I no longer had to be afraid that she was going to find out "that one thing" that would suddenly turn her away. It was an amazing feeling, a relaxing feeling, a comforting feeling. I was able to truly be myself in the relationship, and because of this I was able to experience what a good relationship should feel like. Unquestionably, it was better than any of my previous ones.

The problem is that at the time of that relationship, the things I hated about myself were pretty run-of-the-mill for our society. I was insecure about my physical appearance. I was caught-up on a few things I had failed or missed out on. I was working through anxiety and depression and felt misunderstood whenever I tried to explain it to other people. Though it felt overwhelming at the time, it wasn't really anything that would be *that* hard for another person to accept.

Then I starting hitting the bottle and self-medicating with hard drugs. I did some bad stuff to myself, to other people, to society. Pretty objectively-bad stuff too, dressed up my closet with skeletons that most people in society just don't have. Stuff that suddently would be *that* hard for another person to accept.

So to find what I had before, what I described in that first paragrah, well now it's more difficult. For one, there just aren't as many women in society ready to accept someone for all of that. It's just too overwhelming to people. As well, trying to recover from all of that dark stuff really messes a person up. The guilt/shame/embarrassment complex and all that. That does not line up very well with the characteristics of confidence and strength that women seem to look for. One response I often get is that "you need to get yourself taken care of professionally before you'll be ready to date." But that's kinda silly, because it can take years of therapy to work through dark times like that, but thinking in terms of years doesn't really help you when you feel lonely. And then I also hear from a lot of women that I need to "just keep looking, you'll find the right girl who will accept you for who you are." That's great and I hope it's true, but sometimes that generates a feeling of ya, well if everyone says that, I'll end up alone...

I honestly do hope that I can regain what I described in that first paragraph one day. I've matured and learned a lot over the past four years, so I have little doubt that with another chance, I'd be able to get even more out of it and it would be even more amazing. It's hard to be patient, but I'm trying my best.


To the OP, practically speaking you need to try and stay away from her if you do want to minimise the emotional pain of the situation. Stay busy, keep yourself distracted. Change any people, places and things you need to that have memories connected to her. And just try and remember that you probably thought that the woman who was in your life just before this girl was the "best one to date." One thing that I have learned is that love does come again and you can regain that infatuation with a new person.