Ah god damn stimulants.
Well, I've always been very intelligent but school bored the hell out of me; I had real difficulty paying attention in my classes, more so in boring ones but still difficult in ones I loved (like math and physics). This lack of attention definitely spanned (no pun intended) to conversations as well, making me miss half of everything unless what the person was saying REALLY grasped my mind. As a kid my mind would race, it always has. Throughout my acadmic career I excelled at the things I loved and that were short, but intense periods of thought (math, algebra, etc.). But, in things that required longer periods of concentration such as reading or language arts I did more poorly in school.
Another important factor in this story is that I had this fierce determination; I was convinced I was going to college in the first grade (just as long as I took the SAT
). This is important because that same drive has got me hooked on my superman pills, trying to go above and beyond the limits of human capacity. Is that such a bad thing, is it too much to ask to push the limits?
Due to my complete boredom with school and my need to learn more and more, I skipped 7th grade (which I had had been pushing for for years) and later graduated high school in 3 years by stacking classes. My first year of college (directly following finishing high school) was where my amphetamine use began.
To put myself in perspective at this point, I am 16 years old, very excited for college, but also experience periods of depression (my father has major depressive and schizoaffective disorders); I am also a frequent marijuana smoker and have experienced some basic legal drugs (salvia, DXM, etc.) as well as some prescription drugs like hydrocodone or low dose xanax. This was 3 years ago.
My first year of college (age 16, 2007) I began using adderall. I was amazed, simply amazed, at the power it had to transform my brain into this thinking, analytic machine of ominous effervescent presence. Okay that's a little intense, but the amps had me glowing the first time and I fell in love. I stayed up nights deriving the acceleration-time curves of gravity (I had just discovered calculus, the final frontier of mathematical modeling), writing pages and pages of theories on black holes, quantum mechanics, and the fifth dimension, and doing my homework.
This progressed quickly at first (probably damn near dependent after 2 months), but then more slowly as I used it mainly for school related purposes (I was remorseful of my use, honestly). I had no thoughts that I was ADD at that point, years ago. Over time I became more and more dependent on them, especially to cancel out the effects of the marijuana I smoked and just to function.
I went through about two years of trying to control my using (without any grand notions of addiction), trying many different medications (not prescribed) from adderall to dexedrine to vyvanse, IR, XR, whatever. The beginning of last summer (2009) was when things came to a peak and I knew enough was enough. Throughout the previous semester I had an intense class/work load and I probably wouldn't have made it without amphetamine; it was a struggle to say the least, but very worth it. I told myself I would stop using during the summer, but that didn't happen.
I couldn't get out of bed anymore. Not without the promise of a morning smoke, some uppers and xanax for later. My depression was just too much to bear at that point, I hated my life and myself. After a serious period of depression and horrible feelings in general, I checked myself (with the help of my family) into a 45 day inpatient rehabilitation facility.
In this 45-day rehab I was introduced to all sorts of things, from real drug addicts/alcoholics to 12-step programs. Overall it was very positive, I felt good about my outlook on life and how I could just keep on living clean. I made it 81 days total (a month out of rehab?) before I used again; I got drunk at a concert and smoked some bud after that. The next day I started looking for adderall again.
Fast forward to now; I've completed two more semesters (one at my previous 2-year institution, and one at my current, 4-year university) and am living and working in an amazing college-town in a top 10 school public university. However, this semester (after moving away from home and having to establish myself in a new city) has been one of the most challenging periods of my life-obviously this is a normal period period of difficulty for youths as they transition from adolescence to adulthood, I wouldn't expect anything less. I've been prescribed (and taking) bupropion since last fall, which has helped tremendously with my stimulant cravings and PAW/chronic depression. This last semester went well, but I slipped back into stimulant use after I sought a doctor and was prescribed Ritalin, then Vyvanse.
Because I was going to this doctor specifically for "attention problems" (which I felt, and I somewhat still feel is true), I researched all I could about ADD. I memorized all the symptoms from the DSM-IV and thought of specific examples in my life which I would be able to relate. Of course, I found plenty (and bent the truth where I wasn't a complete it). The doctor promptly diagnosed me with ADD and gave me a script for Ritalin. This didn't end well (compulsive re-dosing), so I was switched to Vyvanse. Vyvanse was, is, and will always be (unless I get dexedrine) my stimulant/amphetamine of choice.
After learning all about ADD, I honestly and genuinely feel as though I have ADD symptoms and they are treated by my amphetamine use. All of my inability to concentrate/focus, and just general haze are cured by Vyvanse.
Man, the shit is still fucked up and addicting; how can a drug contraindicated with drug abuse be prescribed to people with ADD, of which a symptom is impulsivity? The ironic thing is that it's prescribed to take away that impulsivity. What'dya know, it's curbing my stimulant cravings!! my impulsivity to take more drugs is gone!! (Oddly enough that's almost the way it goes)
I don't know, it's a love hate relationship. It helps me concentrate and focus on what I'm doing, but it can leave me hollow and empty hating the world. What I've written here isn't even half the story, but I hope it makes sense how one might be addicted (perhaps permanently) to stimulant drugs. Without them, my world would be a dry, meaningless struggle of disconnection. Man that's kind of scary, I hope they haven't completely rewired my mesolimbic pathways; I've gotta be real though here and say that the rewarding feeling and desire for amphetamine has probably surpassed a lot of things it shouldn't have. Drugs and females are damn near at the top of my list, along with the relationship I have with my grandparents/family (but even those slip away sometimes, sadly).
When is it enough? To just be satisfied with your natural capabilities, and make the best of the life you're given instead of trying to go above and beyond your limits, to the point of self-destruction? This is the struggle I face now. So long as my career (academic and professional) is in tact, I will most likely continue my vyvanse regimen, along with semi-frequent marijuana use (want to quit) and weekly/bi-monthly hallucinogen indulgences.
I hope to hear what you guys think, but I'm right there with you Depressicaa; the stuff is mentally coercive and the realization of dependence is a sobering one.
