Smoked more MDPV then a nice hit of Concussion(contains synthetic cannabinoids)
Now I feel like I am flying on a faster than light spacecraft. I can see passing stars very rapidly pass and feel like I am rapidly flying. I can see some faint passing stars with eyes open.
Every thing feels radiant warmth going through this hole. Love intensively radiates through everything in this place. It would be good if it could be radiated to the people who do horrible things to animals, including the species Homo sapiens. Their coal black heart could feel the warmth, love, and compassion and and pretty quickly turn that black heart of coal into a stunning, radiant, dazzling diamond heart full of compassion and commit his/her life to making the world a better place, never intentionally harming any organism with a well developed central nervous system, with exception to homes infested with insects and possibly rodent infestations, but only if live trapping fails to rid the infested structure of the problem.
The warmth and cosmic love shining brilliantly down on me from every direction at once, flowing through my body like a dazzling rainbow river cleansing my soul and filling me with the most serene peace and making me feel that I can and probably shall make things better for some of the inhabitants of this beautiful, grotesque, torturous, joyful, melancholy, fucked up world we live in with great joy and great sorrow, sometimes feeling both at the same time. As a biology major, I am probably going to do more for non-humans than for humans.
Sometimes the sorrow of the world and the darkness and emptiness you feel inside crushes you down till your heart shatters and the only options are to end your life or seek professional help most likely including a stay in the nuthouse where there are no good ways to terminate your existence. If the mirrors are made with glass, one might break it and stab them self in the throat. I would not have the nerve to end it in that way.
When I tried to end it with a razor blade on the inner bend of my arm and and another large vein, it was one of the hardest things I ever did, extreme anxiety and apprehension, and lots of pain. I must have missed the big veins somehow. There was a large pool of blood on the floor, but I would guess that it was just been a cup or two before the bleeding nearly stopped.
I don't know why I raised the topic of suicide, I've been feeling just fine for the last couple of months. I was feeling wonderful when I typed it. Maybe it is because the darkness has completely overtaken me four times before and I know their is a high probability of it taking control of my life again. When it happens, I feel empty, dead, worthless, like my presence is hurting everyone around me, and I feel stupid. Two of my most severe depression episodes turned into psychotic depression. I hope the darkness never overtakes me again.
Gonna smoke some more MDPV and Concussion because the beauty and the radiant warmth and love is fading.
Just did it, the good feelings and thoughts returned but with a somewhat different feel for five minutes but now I am having a panic attack. I'm now leaving with my parents and nephews to watch the fireworks while panic is rising.
I start saying I am dying repeatedly for about five minutes in the car, then the panic started to rapidly dissipate in just a few minutes, vanishing entirely before we reached our destination. My older nephew from my oldest brother and I got much closer than anyone else to where they were launched. Even before the dazzling light show began, everything looked beautiful and strange, appearing like I was on an alien planet, everything highly altered.
The fireworks were totally awesome in my highly altered mental state. Many of them exploded directly above us. At times, burning pieces of the exploded rocket made it to the ground, one maybe 3-3.50 meters away. That risk of getting burned by the falling debris increased the thrill of the recreational event as did the higher risk of getting getting hit by a malfunctioning rocket due to my close proximity to the shoot off area. It was lots of fun. They had to shoot off all the rockets about five minutes into what was supposed to be a 12 minute show because the fireworks were creating multiple grass fires. Disappointingly short, but an amazing finale like nothing I have ever seen, and so beautiful and exciting in my altered state, feeling like I was a kid again watching them for the first time. We got back home maybe 30 minutes after the end of the show.
Now I am back. I was still high but the amazing feelings and the near perfect mind-state had weakened considerably, good but not approaching or touching perfection as it was half an hour earlier. Right now I am going to smoke a moderate dose of MDPV and Concussion.
Alright, did it, amazingnous near perfect mindstate interrupted by brief feelings of something very sinister, seeing a man without good detail who it feels like could be the devil himself or an evil spirit or demon in human form
I don't want to be evil, but I fear I am an evil person. I have thoughts of horrible things, I dream of death, torture, rape, and destruction frequently through the night. My mind comes up with horrific, terrifying violence every night as well as dreaming about actual disasters or intentional horrors. My mind must be violent and evil. I really want to be a good person. Are some born evil or does one become evil at a later point? Is my destiny laid out on an evil path?
I'm about to smoke more but I don't think I will type anymore as this is a long post. I'll also have 15mg of hydrocodone.