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How High Are You? V. Dude Where's My Bar?

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OrbitalCombustion said:
Whats going on?
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I'm feeling bad emotions and I'm not used to this one and I don't know how to react/feel so I'm going numb/empty and having intrusive thoughts. Suicidal impulses. Desire to isolate. Thoughts of what I could do to die (there aren't any good options I have at hand at the moment). If I don't mind asphyxiation I wouldn't have to walk very far.

On top of the pile of shit I had to deal with this year, this was the ultimate slap in the face. I'll never react positively again to such a phenomena or situation. I think I'm giving up, for real this time. Maybe I'll make it a few years. Maybe I won't. But on the inside I'm resigned to suicide and giving up on life. I don't think this feeling is going to pass. This was the one thing that would probably cause me reason to believe I just do not belong in this world, deserve to be a human being. None of us do, human beings are hell. We are a terrible species. So am I. Hence the irony of why I'm complaining I SHOULDN'T I DESERVE THIS. Yet I still do. I am detestable and when I die at my own hands it will be to society's benefit. I'm a damned bitch.

I cannot recall the last time I felt this specific emotion and it is quite possible I have never felt it before, except in an analog form/milder and not really the same as the intensity/reality I'm living.

So basically I tried. I'm done trying. Sorry for the morbidity guys. I'm just being honest. Material world, physical world, nothing means anything to me. Drugs don't work for the disorder I have.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm feeling bad emotions and I'm not used to this one and I don't know how to react/feel so I'm going numb/empty and having intrusive thoughts. Suicidal impulses. Desire to isolate. Thoughts of what I could do to die (there aren't any good options I have at hand at the moment). If I don't mind asphyxiation I wouldn't have to walk very far.

On top of the pile of shit I had to deal with this year, this was the ultimate slap in the face. I'll never react positively again to such a phenomena or situation. I think I'm giving up, for real this time. Maybe I'll make it a few years. Maybe I won't. But on the inside I'm resigned to suicide and giving up on life. I don't think this feeling is going to pass. This was the one thing that would probably cause me reason to believe I just do not belong in this world, deserve to be a human being. None of us do, human beings are hell. We are a terrible species. So am I. Hence the irony of why I'm complaining I SHOULDN'T I DESERVE THIS. Yet I still do. I am detestable and when I die at my own hands it will be to society's benefit. I'm a damned bitch.

I cannot recall the last time I felt this specific emotion and it is quite possible I have never felt it before, except in an analog form/milder and not really the same as the intensity/reality I'm living.

So basically I tried. I'm done trying. Sorry for the morbidity guys. I'm just being honest. Material world, physical world, nothing means anything to me. Drugs don't work for the disorder I have.
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Grab some sleep I guarantee youll feel differently come morning. We all maintain in this hell on Earth. Many struggle in the same way you are now and chew the harshness of reality. Definitely do not try the asphyxiation route or any route, you only get one chance... no respawns or rebirths. Know youre not alone. Btw that asphyxiation bullshit feels terrible, trust me, blood gets locked above the neck, swells up and the after effects a purple bulb of disgust. Stick with us brother.
 
Haha, no. I've wanted to end my life many times. I do have a serious deathwish. I just thought I could kill myself closer to 50, 60, 70, perhaps live as long to the point where it's not "suicide" but "euthanasia". Nope.

I'm not fit for this world. If you knew maybe 2-3 things about me (which I'm not willing to share) you may get it. Or you may tell me I'm being too emotional and I'll respect that assessment too but don't worry about me. I've made up my mind.

OTHER PEOPLE aren't worth my presence. They are powerless without me. They're stuck in their boring, depressing lives and if they don't want my help, too bad.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
The action was too much. I won't recover from this type of event. I'll just find a good lot of downers and good spot to jump.

Might take me years but, I'm going to do it.
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Plus you only have 78k messages on BL, dare you to get that Achievement at 100k. Anthing less would be a shame coming from an experienced mod like yourself. Most of us long term addicts live by the achievement code, baby steps.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Haha, no. I've wanted to end my life many times. I do have a serious deathwish. I just thought I could kill myself closer to 50, 60, 70, perhaps live as long to the point where it's not "suicide" but "euthanasia". Nope.

I'm not fit for this world. If you knew maybe 2-3 things about me (which I'm not willing to share) you may get it. Or you may tell me I'm being too emotional and I'll respect that assessment too but don't worry about me. I've made up my mind.

OTHER PEOPLE aren't worth my presence. They are powerless without me. They're stuck in their boring, depressing lives and if they don't want my help, too bad.
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“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Now I have to get all CBT on you.
 
I could be overreacting but this was seriously not called for. I think that it was wrong of them and they knew it too but still chose to do what they thought was right. Well, they could have had the best of both worlds. Give up on that and I'll give up on me. Not to spi
OrbitalCombustion said:
Plus you only have 78k messages on BL, dare you to get that Achievement at 100k. Anthing less would be a shame coming from an experienced mod like yourself. Most of us long term addicts live by the achievement code, baby steps.
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I have made previous promises to kill myself at 100k posts. I'll get there before I do it.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Haha, no. I've wanted to end my life many times. I do have a serious deathwish. I just thought I could kill myself closer to 50, 60, 70, perhaps live as long to the point where it's not "suicide" but "euthanasia". Nope.

I'm not fit for this world. If you knew maybe 2-3 things about me (which I'm not willing to share) you may get it. Or you may tell me I'm being too emotional and I'll respect that assessment too but don't worry about me. I've made up my mind.

OTHER PEOPLE aren't worth my presence. They are powerless without me. They're stuck in their boring, depressing lives and if they don't want my help, too bad.
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Imagine all the times you flirted with death and came out alive. I know my nine lives passed ages ago. Sometimes I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, wouldnt that be something....then I think of all the poor souls who vanished in the flames. We are Phoenix, and the winged creature of rebirth never gives up.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Told them how I felt and they overreacted. I dodged a bullet and can do better. Waste of my time.
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I tried twice to take my life and both times I failed, last time got rescued by someone's roaming, anyhow after that i knew there was a reason for me still being here as twisted and messed up that reason might be , its still keeping me here. So guess I wanna say, just hang in there plus myself and a lot of members enjoy your presence and help on this forum
 
Coffeeshroom said:
I tried twice to take my life and both times I failed, last time got rescued by someone's roaming, anyhow after that i knew there was a reason for me still being here as twisted and messed up that reason might be , its still keeping me here. So guess I wanna say, just hang in there plus myself and a lot of members enjoy your presence and help on this forum
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I'm glad you're still here. When I was in my 20s I got into an argument with my mom. I was very impulsive, grabbed a bottle of wine and a bunch klonopin and took it. Apparently, I called my b/f at the time slurring and I even wrote a suicide note before I passed out. My mom knocked on my door to check on me and found me.
I woke up in the hospital with family surrounding me. No recollection of being taken out of my bed or being in the ambulance. I would've died if she hadn't found me.

The enemy tried to take me out many times after that too. If you're thinking about suicide, consider the fact that you could get it wrong and end up in an even worst situation: brain dead or in a coma, a vegetable, unable
to take care of yourself. It could be much worse.

If you had someone who hated you since birth and wants to take your life, why give them the satisfaction? As soon as you kill yourself, they will be celebrating. Keep waking up day after day and make that motherfucker angry!

We are all here for a reason. Please don't give in @Captain.Heroin
I can really tell you're hurting and I'm sorry. Stick around. You will pull through.
 
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