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How Do You Say... NO.

panic in paradise

panic in paradise

Bluelighter
Joined
May 3, 2000
Messages
18,854
Location
by the dawns early light
how do you say no -or better yet- how do you avoid situations were you may be having to say no?

sounds like a simple question, but many of us have to deal with this in many different contexts. for myself, besides drugs and alcohol, i can have "NO" issues by being passive, which builds frustration with in myself - a allowing myself to become overwhelmed unnecessarily, breeding separate issues that are going to have to be dealt with eventually now, and were avoidable all along.


i can relate drugs and being overly passive, pleasing people by not allowing myself to say no; all to self-esteem/-image issues or distortions rather. sometimes overwhelming myself or pounding my mind with drugs, is what i feel i deserve, and so a psychological "masochstic" self-harm want seems met.

in these situations with people, be it employers, friends or anyone - i find putting myself in their position, having their point-of-view, makes any distorted sense of myself much easier to ascertain and rationalize. leaving my "ego" out of it, seeing&understanding this pressure/anxiety, the choices i have are made much more clear. thus choosing best for myself and others in as much fairness as possible - is made more possible; an honest Yes or No is given.

for me personally.


please share any personal relation you have, they could be of great value to myself, or anyone else.

... & possibly even a bit of a relief just writing out.
;-)
 
I've had to be very blunt and cut a lot of friends off :(. I went through my phone when I got out of detox and it was one after another after another.. It does hurt, and I feel like I cannot go out right now... If i go out drinking, I'll end up buying something else.. which leads to another thign.. .etc etc.. it's just trouble for me ;-(..

I lucked and found out when you are trying to live well... good people who didn't give up on you are still there.. I'm having people over for UFC128 tonight and while they both have smoked weed, both will drink, they are totally fine with me not wanting that around. I think it's 90% who you associate with .. also when I am around these people "heroin" becomes taboo again ... I do have to watch out or i become quite introverted... this is equally unhealthy and leads me back down the wrong roads.. good thread pip ;-D
 
This has been a long standing issue for me.
I have finally begun to say no more often.
It's created a lot of difficult times for myself and others-
I've lost one of my close friends b/c I was unwilling to just give in and say "okay, you're right" when I knew this person was wrong. (Which is a yes/no in a sense)
Old me would have agreed to keep peace and make the other person happy, but I'm really trying to just do it :)
Once you start to say no, and those guilty feelings start to kick in, it makes it hard- but I've just continued on despite those tugs to give in.
 
I try to avoid situations in the first place, especially, ones where I know I'll be in a bad place even if I don't decide to use.
I moved about 9 months ago and broke ties with alot of people I used to hang with and felt much better not having to say "NO" because I'm bad at it.

Then i met up with some old friends (from before I moved to the place I just moved back from) and found myself riding around in a van with 5 people and a mirror full of coke. I don't even like coke. I was just like, WTF am I doing here? There was no chance to say NO or YES, just pure panic for me.
I think at one point someone did ask me if I wanted a line and I just kinda stammered out something about not sharing tooters. I felt super awkward.

Now, being in this position, I can see much better why some people just started avoiding me as I spun lower and lower, so I've been able to start repairing those relationships since I know they weren't pissed at me, but rather just avoiding situations that might turn out bad for them.

Also, I don't drink and I don't gamble and I don't go to titty bars, and I've been challenged ALOT of times on my "manhood" based on these things - it comes down to morals and not ever breaking them.
My responses are usually a) If I have a drink, I'll end the night in the ghetto scoring heroin and crack, so why don't you try THOSE for manly drugs?
b) I gambled once, I can count cards. I can't NOT count cards. I can't gamble.
c) Titty Bars? I'd rather spend my money on drugs - see "A"
 
Naw man, I'm straight LOL! Then you get a free meal.

But yeah I usually have a hard time saying no unless it is going to be something that will truly fuck my life up then I do have the voice to say hell to the fucking no. Well I always don't tend to say no due to the fact I don't want to feel like an ass or I do not want to get into awkward situations. The truth is I need to stop trying to avoid things because in the end it will won't matter if you say no to a suggestion, to drugs or any matter. Do what you want. Not what others want you to do.
 
OD said:
if I drink tonight, you'll have a bleeding asshole by the end of the night just to make you MY pussy'
Click to expand...

i gotta remember that one lol!! i ve been asked at work if i would go out and drink with co-workers. and i just told them bad shit happens when i drink and try to make a joke out of it. but if anyone ever tried to push me into using, ima have to take your line OD.

but like others have said i just avoid situtations where i know ppl are drinking or if its a party that my parents want me to go to, i just hang out with them. i actually have been getting better w/ ppl that are drinking at the parties i go to with my rents. i used to just feel SOOO awkward but now its not as bad and i can interact for a lil bit with them.
 
when i first got sober i thought this would be harder than it ended up being. i was lucky in that while i was in treatment, i never had been approached, solicited to purchase or use my drug of choice - but i WAS around it, with the knowledge that i COULD ask for it. i never did, but i sometimes wonder if i WOULD have slipped had it been offered to me as a "gift" during the most delicate times.

i have been off of my doc - any and all painpills - since april 10 2009 and off of suboxone since june 13 2010 - as reference point. the first time i was offered (free) pills was not long ago, and i actually almost "instinctively" said no. casually, confidently, and surprised myself even.....it was almost a reflex. the person who offered is a good freind who isnt aware of my whole background, so when i started to remind her she was so apologetic - but in our conversation about it i had an epiphany, which was that those moments after i said no, and without difficulty, felt 10000x better than all of the great drug scores i had ever made, combined. this thought alone is what makes me capable of saying NO. if you are elated to be sober, you will be elated to say no and mean it.

secondly i try to remind my self that when i was using, i often offered drugs to others as a means to justify my own use. did i care if they should or shouldnt get high with me? of course not. just wanted a buddy. i think its easy when you are offered something that once was like gold to you, by someone perhaps for free even, to get caught up in the thrill of having access. it feels kinda good/kinda cool oh hey this person wants us to go get high together. if i remind myself that their reason for offering probably has NOTHING to do with me at all, or wanting to bond with me, i find it pretty easy to say no.

lastly, i remind myself that saying YES- ONE TIME - led to an unraveling of life as i knew it, and also led to almost two years of misery. so incredibly easy to forget the significance of the one time you didnt 'SAY NO'.

those three thoughts, combined, have kept me clean for 8 months and counting.
 
theartofwar said:
I've had to be very blunt and cut a lot of friends off :(. I went through my phone when I got out of detox and it was one after another after another.. It does hurt, and I feel like I cannot go out right now... If i go out drinking, I'll end up buying something else.. which leads to another thign.. .etc etc.. it's just trouble for me ;-(..

I lucked and found out when you are trying to live well... good people who didn't give up on you are still there.. I'm having people over for UFC128 tonight and while they both have smoked weed, both will drink, they are totally fine with me not wanting that around. I think it's 90% who you associate with .. also when I am around these people "heroin" becomes taboo again ... I do have to watch out or i become quite introverted... this is equally unhealthy and leads me back down the wrong roads.. good thread pip ;-D
Click to expand...

This!

Sorry this is so long but it's something I feel VERY strongly about!

Unfortunately when a person decides to become sober, one of the best things they can do for their recovery is cut off all contact with any friends who still continue to use. It would be nice if you could just ask these people to not use around you but almost always they end up choosing the drugs over the friendship =/ It's a romantic notion to think that they will still be around when you're sober but many people on drugs have their priorities, and these priorities usually start with finding and using drugs.

This is something I learned the hard way. I was 16 when I started abusing drugs and through the drugs I made a whole new circle of friends. Of course there were hours upon hours spent together, high as fuck and swearing up and down we would always be friends and always, ALWAYS be there for one another... Yet the moment I removed drugs from the equation they disappeared. To this day I can hit up a friend from "back then" when I'm in my hometown and they will play the whole "yeah, I would love to see you!" game but if our time together doesn't involve drugs or alcohol, they're not up for it. If I ask any of them to come visit me they won't because they're too far away from their connections and too busy spending what little money they have on drugs. It makes me angry because I thought we were friends but in reality that bond I felt was nothing more than a part of the high...

It's the cold, hard truth with many friendships that involve(d) drugs :\

That's not to say that every single person who uses drugs can't be a good friend to those who decide to sober up though! If you have a friend who continues using but can manage to keep drugs out of your friendship, then good for you (no sarcasm).

However, even then it's a good idea to stay away from people who continue to use because whether you want to admit it or not, it endangers your sobriety! Any rehab facility/therapist/doctor/NA group will tell you that it's vital to stay away from people who use if you want to remain clean and there's a good reason behind this: it's the truth.

So while I may have lost a lot of "friends" as a result of becoming sober, I've gained more than I could imagine in a million years. Not only this but I've managed to make plenty of friends who don't use drugs and are actually good influences on me. It's also nice to know that your friendship isn't based around using. I know these people are my friends not because they need a drug buddy or a way to score some dope but because they genuinely want to be around me =) These are the kind of people you wanna start surrounding yourself with, and these are the kind of people you will never have to say no to!

Long story short: don't put yourself in any situations where you'll have to say "no" to begin with. Anyone who cares about you--anyone who is good for you--will never, ever pressure or ask you to use. If someone does either of these things knowing full well that you're trying to stay sober, they're an asshole and they're NOT worth your time. Screw 'em.

Stay away from these situations and these people and it'll be much easier to stay strong, I promise! Good job on getting yourself together, by the way. What an amazing feat :)
 
The first response that I had when I saw the title was this:
"How do you say NO? By having an even larger YES burning inside of you." Then it becomes much simpler. I hate methods of drug treatment that fail to emphasize the importance of having something to live for other than "sobriety" as if that's an ultimate end in itself.
I mean I know on a cosmic level it is, but in practical terms it really isn't. Most people need something else in their life other than just not being high.
 
CoffeeDrinker, i agree.
(and drink coffee avidly- *nods head yes)
this coincides with a lot on many levels; be it sobriety; a change of environment; even raising a child or becoming an adult...

::it is just to be::
annnd i believe that, an example: if ~51% of ones 'joy' is in the journey of obtainment of a goal, then the goal will become much easier obtain, or accept losing from what was gained along the way; it seems;-)

_______________________________
these are great responses, very thoughtful of you all.
:-)
 
I've found that when you are going through this you have the right to be completely selfish. Take a vacation from work, eat out, go to the movies or shopping. I read somewhere that you should spend the money you would normally spend on drugs and spend it on yourself. Buy something new for yourself. I like to buy CDs and clothes. But as far as saying no - you have to be selfish also and just don't talk to those friends anymore. You just be selfish and not answer phone calls. Or even delete phone numbers or change your number. And only hang out with sober friends. Peer pressure is a b*tch!! It's going to be hard to pit yourself in that situation and say no! It also makes things a little easier if you have a trusted loved one to turn to. Either a spouse or parent or friend. Someone you can call if you're having a bad day and just want someone to sit and watch tv with. With my experience it's going to be a life style change for the rest of ur life. It's going to always be hard to be around your drug of choice. Help that helps. And good luck with just saying no.
 
I guess it depends on what you're saying "no" to.

Here's an example of how I'd do it....

"Hey Captain, do you want this SWEET drug I'm doing here?" *Snorts lines/shoots up*

"No guys, sorry, I've done that one too many times in the past, it's just not my thing anymore."

or

"I would but I have to work tomorrow, I'll just end up having to call out sick."

or

"I have to study for a test tomorrow, and this will totally throw my concentration off. I would love to, but, for now I can't."

or

"I'll just leave that for you, I can see you're enjoying it. Plus, sometimes people run out and then think geez if only I'd have kept that for me! - you know? I would hate for you to feel like that because I used some of your stuff"

===

All of these work well for me.

User Name Here said:
This!

Sorry this is so long but it's something I feel VERY strongly about!

Unfortunately when a person decides to become sober, one of the best things they can do for their recovery is cut off all contact with any friends who still continue to use. It would be nice if you could just ask these people to not use around you but almost always they end up choosing the drugs over the friendship =/ It's a romantic notion to think that they will still be around when you're sober but many people on drugs have their priorities, and these priorities usually start with finding and using drugs.

This is something I learned the hard way. I was 16 when I started abusing drugs and through the drugs I made a whole new circle of friends. Of course there were hours upon hours spent together, high as fuck and swearing up and down we would always be friends and always, ALWAYS be there for one another... Yet the moment I removed drugs from the equation they disappeared. To this day I can hit up a friend from "back then" when I'm in my hometown and they will play the whole "yeah, I would love to see you!" game but if our time together doesn't involve drugs or alcohol, they're not up for it. If I ask any of them to come visit me they won't because they're too far away from their connections and too busy spending what little money they have on drugs. It makes me angry because I thought we were friends but in reality that bond I felt was nothing more than a part of the high...

It's the cold, hard truth with many friendships that involve(d) drugs :\

That's not to say that every single person who uses drugs can't be a good friend to those who decide to sober up though! If you have a friend who continues using but can manage to keep drugs out of your friendship, then good for you (no sarcasm).

However, even then it's a good idea to stay away from people who continue to use because whether you want to admit it or not, it endangers your sobriety! Any rehab facility/therapist/doctor/NA group will tell you that it's vital to stay away from people who use if you want to remain clean and there's a good reason behind this: it's the truth.

So while I may have lost a lot of "friends" as a result of becoming sober, I've gained more than I could imagine in a million years. Not only this but I've managed to make plenty of friends who don't use drugs and are actually good influences on me. It's also nice to know that your friendship isn't based around using. I know these people are my friends not because they need a drug buddy or a way to score some dope but because they genuinely want to be around me =) These are the kind of people you wanna start surrounding yourself with, and these are the kind of people you will never have to say no to!

Long story short: don't put yourself in any situations where you'll have to say "no" to begin with. Anyone who cares about you--anyone who is good for you--will never, ever pressure or ask you to use. If someone does either of these things knowing full well that you're trying to stay sober, they're an asshole and they're NOT worth your time. Screw 'em.

Stay away from these situations and these people and it'll be much easier to stay strong, I promise! Good job on getting yourself together, by the way. What an amazing feat :)
Click to expand...

I think that this can be true for some people.

I have friends who are still heroin users, or at the least, are still trying to quit to put it fairly (I don't think many people "want" to be a heroin user).

It doesn't bother me, and some people just want a genuine friend.

The others who are "only in it" for the drugs, you are right, they should be cut out.

I started cutting these people out of my life and I was still using when I did this, however I don't use heroin anymore and I had quit heroin at this point.
 
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I think it means since you're being sober for you, you have to do whatever it takes to keep it that way..even if it means being selfish, being overly blunt, whatever. no more people pleasing behavior. at least that's the way i interpreted it.
 
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