@OP (the person who started this thread)...
you can do this! i am not going to lie to you, sober life is not all fucking giggles and rainbows, it is kind of....welll... a grind .... there are going to be more hard times than bad times, but after those days pass, you will realize that some of the days that you thought were so bad, were actually pretty good days. it feels so good on a whole other level compared to drugs to feel the satisfaction of getting through hard times on your own. you will feel sooo much better about yourself, your whole life will turn around i promise! it will not seem like it from the inside looking out, meaning when you try to examine your sober life, you might feel discouraged and dock yourself for not getting far. but i PROMISE you, the other people around you will notice the difference and you have to trust that you really are an amazing person.
remember, it is not about how many times you fall down, but about how many times you get back up. if you make a mistake in sober life, even one not dealing in drugs, you must chose the warriors path and continue to face your fears. what i find about fears is that usually i make them out to be a lot worse than what they turn out to be. i will give you a really good analogy that has helped me in hard times when i face a problem and i question my self confidence and my self..
lets say you have a house, with a gardening shed outside in the back yard. it is mid-day in late july, and it is a hot and humid day in Georgia. the vibrantly shinning sun warms you to the core. and a slight, brisk breeze adds a note of perfection to the day. the day has been nothing but a pleasure for you, relaxing without a care in the world to be tended to as you sip on a home-made glass of chilled lemonade under the shade of your covered deck. enjoying the icy cold beverage, it quenches your thirst, moistens your parched throat, and cools you down. you look out across the breath-taking, well-planned, and well-kept landscape you call your backyard, embracing all its beauty. you allow yourself to feel proud for all the hard work you dedicated to tirelessly trimming tenable, dark green grass, planting massive, strong and leafy trees of green ash and american beech, tending bright, colored flowers of purple, blue, and yellow, sculpting eloquent fountains of angels and demons, and building the ornate, detailed patio you sit under . "What a perfect day! How grateful i am to experience life and all its beauties unadulterated," you think to yourself. then you notice that the clouds are shifting above thus blocking the harshness of the suns rays. being a native of the southeast, you know that these clouds are not as ambivalent as they seem to be, and that they mean that an afternoon thunderstorm is approaching. you decide to take advantage of the passing placidity of the clouds overhead and the cooling shade they bring to do some gardening before the storm hits. after lacing up the gardening boots and equipping the rest of your REI gardening gear you recently bought from the extra money you have from not using dope, you hop off your sheltered deck with confidence, and you enthusiastically open the door to the shed. before you have a chance to turn on the lights and get some bearing of your surroundings, you see a GIANT snake inside right at your feet!! so you scream and shout at the top of your lungs, your heart beats rapidly and you think you are about to die. all of the sudden the day has turned sour, and your mind begins to race with illogical thoughts.
"should i kill it, but how? what if i get bitten and go to the hosptial and possibly die? what about the pain i will have to endure? how will i make it through? or should i decide to run? but what about the next time i want to garden? how will i do it with a snake in there? how will i tend to my garden i worked so hard on if i cant get to my tools inside the shed? did i just waste all the time working on my garden for nothing? ahhh, whats the point anyways? i cant kill the snake because i am such a good for nothing coward!! there is no point anymore in my trying to keep my garden. even though i thoroughly enjoy gardening and working in the backyard and it brings me great joy unlike the joy drugs have ever brought me, i cannot face the snake because i am fat and stupid and slow. i am so dumb for even trying to keep a backyard like this. i am such a loser. what am i going to do with my time now? i might aswell go back to using drugs and living on the street!!!"
as soon as the situation begins, it ends. the sun breaks through the clouds and shines light into your shed. you realize that this snake was actually just a coiled up hose! "how silly!" you exclaim to yourself. after your heart resides to a nonchalant pace, your breathing returns to norm, and you gather your wits about you, you understand that the fears you created in your head were nothing more than incredulous thoughts and preconceived beliefs. nothing more, nothing less.
i find most of the problems that i face in my life are like this, yet some are dire as they seem. however, 95% of fears and problems i THINK i have are nothing more than a coiled up hose in the gardening shed.
never give up on yourself my friend, more people are looking out for you than you know. the TRUE YOU, not your ego, just wants to be loved, loving myself means to me just accepting the way i am, the way things are. i dont have to particularly like them per se, but just because i dont favor an outcome of a situation, or i dont favor traits that i have, or things i did, or said, or have resentments to what other people did or said to me, does not mean i cannot accept them for what they are. things are never just black and white, never either just good or just bad. you cant have good without the bad, and that is what i believe the epitome of sobriety to be. come as you are, love yourself, and let live!!
. so i will leave you with this quote from a song of a band i like, "We should learn to love ourselves before it is made illegal"
I have the same problem! I started using what started with prescription opiates like oxycodone, hydromorphone, Demerol, hydrocodone and ending up 2-3yrs later with the smoking 10 points (1g) east coast heroin/day or 10mg fentanyl the Duragesic brand which is now banned or very rarely prescribed. Unlike any other form of pharmaceutical fentanyl, Duragesic patches were *made* for smoking/shooting, literally one would push all this magic gel down to the bottom corner of the patch and cut one end of the topof this square looking patch of gooey gel. A small, tiny, match head sized amount placed on foil and used via chasing the dragon resulting in an instant powerful rush from the tip of ones toes to the top of ones head, with a feeling on your belly/stomach as if you are in the ocean or in the water and there are big waves splashing against your chest, massaging your every single cell in the body.
Even IV H users told me that even the rush from iv H is very close to the rush from smoking Duragesic type fentanyl, I've smoked other types like mylan fentanyl and its nowhere close to the rush achieved via Duragesic. After that I stopped and relapsed on poppy pods (80+ big sized 3x-4x day) when they were everywhere ebay & amazon included during which time I got ahold of a heroin connection for $30 a point/100mg or $230-$240/g, also another source had just about the same dope maybe *slightly* weaker than the first connection but almost undistinguishable for $150-4160/g and $20/point. I always either smoked 90%+ or snorted 10%+, never needles, usually smoking via chasing the dragon. First time I got 1 point it lasted me 3 days of being high nonstop from waking in the morning to going to sleep. Shortly it became 1 point per day and I *loved* the smell & taste of burning dope (still do), to me it smells what I imagine opium to smell like, a sweet flowery aroma that is very difficult to forget once you've had it or if you use a hollowed out pen/marker like I used to for inhaling but on the inside where the resin accumulates is very powerfully smelling and if scraped the resin is 3x-4x stronger mg/mg than normal dope.
Used to enjoy playing guitar, walking through nature, doing things of a psychedelic nature to connect with nature...not anymore I can't even work for my dads good paying job all I have to do is deal with the customer service and I can make very good money up to $200/day just sitting answering emails from my home, even that I don't have the motivation to do anymore. If I work I use everything I make, spend everything I make on drugs, if I don't work its the same thing just better that I don't have the money all the time forcing me to go on MMT at times.
hey no one cares how much fentanyl you smoke . and there are no price discussions. i am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are really high which is causing you to be extremely self-centered. your whole post is about how good the high is, this guy/girl is trying to get off heroin and does not need your graphic description of the opiate high thank you very much