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How can I help my boyfriend quit/drink less alcohol? Does he even have a problem?

Pretty_Diamonds

Pretty_Diamonds

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He's a bartender and is very use to the "night life" and drinking. He drinks every night, 10-20 drinks per night. Sometimes he says he has a problem and wants to quit... others he says he's doing just fine. He works, he pays his bills, he's responsible, etc. He says he drinks because his job is so stressful but when he's off it's to relax and "enjoy his day off". He comes home (after work) around 5/5:30AM drunk and rambles about his shift (stressful, etc). Granted, his job sucks but it gets so annoying (as the sober girlfriend just waking up) because it'll go on for HOURS. His moods are all over the place, apologizing, saying he's sorry to get extremely mad and punching walls. He says that I'm the one that's out of control because I can't hold my alcohol (which is true--hence the reason why I never drink).

I don't know what to do. This morning he told me that he was unhappy with our relationship and that I should stop trying to "change him"and that I seem unhappy with who he is. He brought up how I made him quit cigarettes like a year ago..

I don't know. I mean, it's not like we have kids or anything. Live together, been together over 2 years. I told him that I would never bring up his drinking problem again but an hour later he apologized saying that he loves that I care about his health and etc.

What to do what to do. Is it a problem? Does it need to be addressed?
 
It definitely needs to be addressed. 10-20 drinks per night is wayyy too much. Yes work can be stressful but it is not an excuse to be drinking so much every night. He will probably argue with you but he should realize that this is going to turn into a problem in the long run. Does he say that he was unhappy because you always tell him about his drinking problem? IMO I don't think you are doing anything wrong because you just care about him and his well-being.
 
Well, I don't know. He always says that when we plan to have babies he'll quit cold turkey. He's been a heavy drinker for over a decade so I don't think it'll be as easy as he makes it sound. He always says that he doesn't drink "that" much especially compared to x, y, z.. so I started writing down the number of drinks that he consumes in a night to hopefully make him more aware of his actual consumption. I've only been doing this for the past 3 nights and he seemed okay with it at first.. but he definitely wasn't this morning arguing that these past few nights were "extremely stressful" and he's been drinking ichiko (sake which is WAAY healthy than jack that he used to drink all the time).

He recently bought a CASE of ichiko (12 bottles) because it was cheaper... so I marked all the bottles with dates that he could open them. I asked him if one bottle per week was enough and he said yes. Well, he's more at like 3 bottles per week... + he's been drinking my vodka on top of that... it's not like he's drinking during the day or skipping out on responsibilities (well only sometimes since he sleeps all day....)
 
Yep that is heavy drinking. So what if you guys don't plan to have babies for lets say 5 more years? He is going to continue this habit? It is acceptable if it is 3 drinks a night but man 10-20 drinks that's way too much. What most people don't understand is that stress should not be an excuse of drugs or alcohol. Work is stressful, life is stressful but that's how it is deal with it! I work in a very stressful office environment as well but it is what it is. It's either you stay or you quit and find something else or take a break.
 
Yes he has a problem. He's an alcoholic if he's drinking daily and drinking that much.

You can't make him quit or drink less alcohol. He has to be the one who decides to do this and does it himself.

Even if you were going to hypothetically quit drinking alcohol or no longer keep alcohol in the house I don't think this would stop him from drinking.

Forcing him to go to rehab, AA, or treatment won't work, and neither will doing a substitute addiction like having him smoke pot or use other drugs instead of drinking since it's just replacing one drug for another and guaranteeing a relapse on alcohol which is the drug he has a problem with.

Since he's been drinking like this for a decade it would be very dangerous for him to quit cold turkey, and people have died from alcohol withdrawal before if they do it cold turkey. If he wants to quit alcohol have him go to a detox/rehab place where he can get off alcohol and have medical professionals there.

When I used to drink I would also drink sake, dark beer, and red wine and those are supposed to be "healthy" but if you drink way too much alcohol the health benefits are a moot point since it's not healthy to be drinking daily or in very large amounts.

Something that helped me realize I had a problem were really horrible hangovers and how I felt the next day when I'd really binge compared to nights or days when I did not drink that much, and when I realized that I was blacking out and that it was very difficult for me to drink like a "normal" person or have just 1-2 drinks that that was it for the night.

You had him write down how many drinks he has had in the past few nights. Have him write down what he thinks is "Good" about alcohol and "Bad" as that can help some people.

Good luck.
 
Yeah, I guess I don't know how to go about it. He always argues that his job is tough and I'm like, yeah, work is tough. Like, I have worked many tough jobs. I currently work with autistic kids... I mean, I get it. He'll complain about work and I'll give him solutions that he doesn't apply. He gets mad because I make it seem "so simple" to solve but I'm merely trying to make his job situation less stressful. He says I'm trying to blame the alcohol but it's really ME that's unhappy, etc. He said if he quit his job, that I would leave him. I told him that's silly and he's the one that always says he would NEVER quit because a, b, c, d, e, f..

So I guess, how do I go about it? I mean, a lot of his consumption is during work (also after work when he's all amped up). I've been trying to get him to not drink on his day offs.. calling them "sober nights"..
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
Yes he has a problem. He's an alcoholic if he's drinking daily and drinking that much.

You can't make him quit or drink less alcohol. He has to be the one who decides to do this and does it himself.

Even if you were going to hypothetically quit drinking alcohol or no longer keep alcohol in the house I don't think this would stop him from drinking.

Forcing him to go to rehab, AA, or treatment won't work, and neither will doing a substitute addiction like having him smoke pot or use other drugs instead of drinking since it's just replacing one drug for another and guaranteeing a relapse on alcohol which is the drug he has a problem with.

Since he's been drinking like this for a decade it would be very dangerous for him to quit cold turkey, and people have died from alcohol withdrawal before if they do it cold turkey. If he wants to quit alcohol have him go to a detox/rehab place where he can get off alcohol and have medical professionals there.

When I used to drink I would also drink sake, dark beer, and red wine and those are supposed to be "healthy" but if you drink way too much alcohol the health benefits are a moot point since it's not healthy to be drinking daily or in very large amounts.

Something that helped me realize I had a problem were really horrible hangovers and how I felt the next day when I'd really binge compared to nights or days when I did not drink that much, and when I realized that I was blacking out and that it was very difficult for me to drink like a "normal" person or have just 1-2 drinks that that was it for the night.

You had him write down how many drinks he has had in the past few nights. Have him write down what he thinks is "Good" about alcohol and "Bad" as that can help some people.

Good luck.
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Well, he does smoke pot several times a day.. but it's not a problem for me since it's really common here. Plus it's in his culture/family and he doesn't get really "stoned".

He always says that he feels so much better when he doesn't drink and how he's so happy that he didn't drink the night before but goes back and blames it on the job.

I don't think his blackouts.. often. I'm not sure. I only know a few nights that he has but could be more because we don't really talk about it.

I don't know if I can have him write down the good and bad.. he would get soo offended by that!
 
You know what they say about addicts/alcoholics: an addict will not admit that he is an addict same with an alcoholic not admitting that he is an alcoholic. He has to realize that he has a problem and he you have to be able to make him realize that. I'm not sure if going to AA meetings with him is something you are considering?
 
Your boyfriend is a serious addict in some serious denial.

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do right now except go to Al-Anon and figure out what to do from there. I highly recommend going to Al-Anon.
 
The main concept is that you can only be responsible for yourself--not for any other person. We can make ourselves crazy getting wound up in a loved one's addiction/denial. Being crazy ourselves (crazy with worry, crazy angry, crazy depressed, etc) does nothing at all to help the person and has a horrible effect on our own lives. Setting your own boundaries is crucial.
 
He drinks 10-20 drinks a day, everyday. Is it a problem? lol. Sounds like he has some resentment built up towards you. I would be very careful how you handle the situation. Push him too far and say goodbye to your relationship.
 
Well, couple nights ago, he was off and had ZERO drinks. :)

I mean, when we first met, it was at a bar and we used to get shitfaced all the time together. I was going through a rough patch and eventually got my shit together. He told me he's also stopped "partying" and is drinking WAAY less than he used to (but he's also 30 years old now..) Like I said, he is responsible when it comes to paying for everything and providing. He makes good money bartending and all my money has to go to my tuition. He's been nothing but supportive of my education and job.

We had a good talk and he basically told me that he feels like he's being a douche bag and I told him, he's turning into a angry drunk. He apologized but said that he just feels so stressed out. I mean, I don't know how to have him "destress" after a shift without alcohol... He says he loves it when I'm up when he gets off shift but I don't like being up nowadays because he brings all his negative work energy with him and he's so MAD.

He says he can quit anytime and I just feel like when he gets back into motorcross he'll be able to have more self-control...
 
Saying he can quit at anytime is a good sign he is an alcoholic. If you've already voiced your concerns, saying he'll do it another day more than likely won't happen. Worrying about that won't do anything but add more negative aspects to it as well.. Go to Alanon, and you'll be able to find people you can associate with in your area that deal with the same relative issues. If Alanon isn't available where you are, AA is just as good. It might actually be better to go to AA, so you can get an alcoholic perspective.
 
just wanna say 10-20 drinks (!!!) is definitely a problem

that's some crazy drinking ability right there, i would 100% be in the hospital if I even had 10 drinks
 
He's an alcoholic and you can't do anything really to make him quit. He's got to want to do it. You can and should however let him know how it affects you. If he does decide to get sober he will need medical supervision. The withdrawal from alcohol is deadly.

All Anon is a support group for family members and loved ones of addicted persons. They can help YOU cope with his behavior.
 
Like others have mentioned, he is an alcoholic and he has a problem.

You can't make him quit. If you try to, he's just going to resent you for it in the long run, which is evident when he claims you made him quit smoking.

He says it is because of work and stress, yet you reply saying that you're stressed from work too and know what it's like to "have a tough job". Try not to approach it like that, because it is almost as if you're minimizing his issues by bringing in yours. What you can do as a girlfriend is be supportive, listen to him, and encourage him. Listen objectively, without judgement, and without complaining about your job too. This is about him and the relationship now, not you and your job.

You mention that he can be violent - this may not have to be said, but if he gets violent toward you, or if you feel threatened in ANY way- then it's time to leave and not look back.

Best of luck to you.
 
Hey, when I was a bartender at school and uni, for about 6 years, I'd drink at work - at least 10 - 20 units a night. I think it was a combination of my addictive tendencies and the fact that I basically hated the job. I also LOVED the fact I could get pissed as a fart without anyone else noticing. It was a big game. Hell, I'd pour and down drinks while talking to the owners of the place, making like it was lemonade or ribena.
Working in a bar is very stressful, but it's also a piece of piss. I know I was always stressed and BORED at the same time. Booze was the obvious and very convenient answer every night.
I'd be hesitant before calling him a full blown alcoholic before taking this stuff into consideration. Does he drink on his own, at home? Does he lie to you about it? Obviously he drinks very heavily, but maybe what he needs more than anything is a change of scene job-wise...?
Best, Buffalo
 
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You can't change others, only change yourself to accept them. If you can't accept them, move on. That is the easy answer. Just have to understand that in alcoholism and addiction there are no easy answers. But I can tell you from experience that trying to control it will only cause resentments on both ends. Go to al-anon.... arm yourself with the knowledge of hundreds of thousands that have been in your shoes.
 
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