Blah.
I "feel" so fat today and like no one will ever like me because of it. I know fat is not a feeling. I hate having an eating disorder, I really do. It fucks with my head so bad.
I've had one now too, for far too long :/ I think people just dont understand or care that it has VERY little to do with body image alone. That is just the manifestation of something deeper.
I've been trying to get that through to people that I'v explained it to but most don't seem to understand, or comprehend how abstract it is. I, personally find it very depressing.
It's like someone saying to a drug addict ''well why don't you just stop, replace your cravings with chocolate or something'. It's like telling a depressive to 'cheer up'. Telling someone with anxiety ''that there is nothing to be afraid of''.
All it does is put a stop to that person saying anything more. It leaves the feelings buried and undervalued and invalidated...and so it continues, the pantomime where your feelings are only validated by others telling you 'you look fine, you're sexually attractive, you're worthy!'
It doesn't change anything below the surface. It's all temporary flattering.
When people tell me 'You're not fat' all it does it narrow a string of identity and insecurity issues down to 'tell her she's pretty and it'll make everything better.
I know many 'mean well' well but honestly, it's very patronising. It's like people just don't care and think it's some 'silly' women s insecurity issue about their looks' - well it's not, it's actually a whole plethora of cultural and psycho-social toxicity that is almost turned into a conversion disorder and played out like some superficial cheerleader's 'problem'. Some girls (guys) do just display the outward signs of it, its short-lived and they move on.
For others of us, it is a way of feeling alive, like you have some control over a meaningless, pointless life. It works like medication,it is a spiritual discipline, an emotional release, a sexual thrill, an obsession and compulsion, a deep and raw relationship - better than any human one...but it is soul destroying. It is the manifestation of the feelings that you can and have never understood or shared, being detached from your body is the only way to deal with them, being detached from your feelings; from never feeling whole or like you belong to yourself.
Am not trying to offend anyone but just stating personal facts.
I 'feel' fat because it's the only tangible way of experiencing a sense of being out of control, worthless, a nobody. Someone who is unsure of themselves, people and the world and is scared of their own mind to the point where they are scared of living.
It is far more tangible and socially acceptable to feel 'fat', to feel 'ugly'...it is even more acceptable for a female, as it is more socially and sexually acceptable than saying ' I feel fucking nuts', I feel nobody understands me, I feel rage and sadness and that I'm just prey to the world, or, that it is prey for me. I have nothing solid to hold on to.
Of course everyone's experience is different and I can only speak for myself.
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Atm I feel fucking
awful.