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How are you in one word ver. contagious smile

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Yeah, might not be this way forever, but HAPPY

I have had a few really great days this week. I rarely say that sort of thing. I hope it lasts.
 
Relaxed I have a full day off before a weekend where I have to work all weekend. That means coffee in bed, quiet house, forget getting dressed and plenty of time for Bluelight on the laptop.:)
 
Todays plans fell through because of stupid rain, so I am okay. Im hoping to take care of it all tomorrow though :)
 
tired, horny, nervous

just woke up and got a test today for logic. also get to sit next to beautiful women in class all day :D
 
Depressed

I hope this does not last. I feel like I want to die again and this is the third day of it. I thought the episode ended because I felt good for maybe 3 or 4 days and then my mood just crashed faster than it improved.

Been having lots of suicidal thoughts. <snip>

I'm not going to kill myself now though. I doubt there was much of a chance that I would have been able to go through with it just due to anxiety/fear. If I got over that, there is a good chance I'd still back out from thoughts of how others would be affected.

I just wish this would stop. I hope this is just part of the last episode and it is in the process of ending.

I did something really bad and stupid earlier this week while driving out of a suicidal impulse that kept getting stronger. I don't want to say what it was, but now I won't be driving myself anywhere much for a while. I told my mom I was having bad thoughts while driving and I should not be on the road so that she would not let me take my car when I am noticeably depressed and so she could monitor and restrict my driving with my cooperation, she knows and we both made sure it was understood that she could not stop me against my will if I want to take my car since I am an adult. If I did end up ending my life with my car or have an accident that appeared intentional, she would not be able to blame herself because I drove since it is clear that this is voluntary on my part.

I was able to withdraw from my classes this semester and I'll still be able to go back to college next semester, I'll just have to pay the cost out of pocket. They said I might have to make payments on my loan for that semester too but I should be able to stop that and get eligibility for the loan back if I make good enough grades.

I would have tried to stick in with it, but I found out that it would be almost impossible not to get an F in one of my two classes and I got no credit for attendance in my other class which means I can't get a grade acceptable to me. With what I have worked out, withdrawing and going back next semester is my best option according to the people at the university.

I can barely get myself to do anything. I can't even stand to watch TV - it is not interesting at all. I wish I had something to do that I wanted to do. I have nothing to do that I want to do or that makes me feel better but just doing nothing is not helping this. Being stuck at home isn't helping either. I get more depressed when I stay home all the time but I don't have the money to go anywhere or do anything and I have just one friend who lives on campus at the university over 40 miles away and he's really busy anyway, so I can't go hang out with him.

This life is like a mostly empty void and I get so sick of it. If things just stay bad almost all the time, I will eventually take my life - if I am just going to stay miserable, dying would be better. I'm not in danger of doing anything now.

I was hoping this was over. Maybe it will be soon - maybe that short break from this shit was a sign that this episode is ending. I think it probably isn't since it has came back just as bad and was only better for a few days.
 
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Tryptamine*Dreamer said:
Depressed

I hope this does not last. I feel like I want to die again and this is the third day of it. I thought the episode ended because I felt good for maybe 3 or 4 days and then my mood just crashed faster than it improved.

Been having lots of suicidal thoughts. <snip>

I'm not going to kill myself now though. I doubt there was much of a chance that I would have been able to go through with it just due to anxiety/fear. If I got over that, there is a good chance I'd still back out from thoughts of how others would be affected.

I just wish this would stop. I hope this is just part of the last episode and it is in the process of ending.

I did something really bad and stupid earlier this week while driving out of a suicidal impulse that kept getting stronger. I don't want to say what it was, but now I won't be driving myself anywhere much for a while. I told my mom I was having bad thoughts while driving and I should not be on the road so that she would not let me take my car when I am noticeably depressed and so she could monitor and restrict my driving with my cooperation, she knows and we both made sure it was understood that she could not stop me against my will if I want to take my car since I am an adult. If I did end up ending my life with my car or have an accident that appeared intentional, she would not be able to blame herself because I drove since it is clear that this is voluntary on my part.

I was able to withdraw from my classes this semester and I'll still be able to go back to college next semester, I'll just have to pay the cost out of pocket. They said I might have to make payments on my loan for that semester too but I should be able to stop that and get eligibility for the loan back if I make good enough grades.

I would have tried to stick in with it, but I found out that it would be almost impossible not to get an F in one of my two classes and I got no credit for attendance in my other class which means I can't get a grade acceptable to me. With what I have worked out, withdrawing and going back next semester is my best option according to the people at the university.

I can barely get myself to do anything. I can't even stand to watch TV - it is not interesting at all. I wish I had something to do that I wanted to do. I have nothing to do that I want to do or that makes me feel better but just doing nothing is not helping this. Being stuck at home isn't helping either. I get more depressed when I stay home all the time but I don't have the money to go anywhere or do anything and I have just one friend who lives on campus at the university over 40 miles away and he's really busy anyway, so I can't go hang out with him.

This life is like a mostly empty void and I get so sick of it. If things just stay bad almost all the time, I will eventually take my life - if I am just going to stay miserable, dying would be better. I'm not in danger of doing anything now.

I was hoping this was over. Maybe it will be soon - maybe that short break from this shit was a sign that this episode is ending. I think it probably isn't since it has came back just as bad and was only better for a few days.
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, T*D.

You did the right thing by asking your mom to not let you drive when you are noticeably depressed- I've had bad thoughts while driving too, and I know how overwhelming it can be and how tempting doing harmful things can become once you're behind the wheel and alone. This is why I make it a point to not drive for no reason when I'm severely depressed anymore.

I was in a similar situation that you were in in regards to withdrawing from classes- I just knew I didn't have it emotionally "in me" for the semester to complete it and still get good enough grades. To me that was just a waste of time, money, and resources to go to classes I knew I was just going to end up failing because I was not in the right state of mind to really focus on my schoolwork.

I truly hope things get better soon for you-- I could relate to a lot you said in this post. <3
 
terrified


I just started down the path of recovering from my childhood. I read an awesome book, "Victims No Longer", which said feelings hadn't ever killed anyone...I can't believe that (i.e. heart attacks, strokes, suicide, etc come to mind)...and even if that was true...there's always a first...and death isn't what really frightens me... I think it's the possibility that I could lose what remains of myself, or far worse, that the dark side of myself might yet win (that part which is kin to Ghenhis Kahn, Timurlane, Stalin, etc).
 
@CH--I'm glad you are feeling thankful. Just allowing yourself to feel that usually improves everything that isn't going so well.<3

@Rx_prn--why? I'm around if you need an ear.<3
 
LAME

Went out to dinner with myself, and now I am walking around the outdoor mall just trying to take a bit of civilization in. I think I am the only party of one out tonight. I really hate the social anxiety and loneliness that comes with getting clean. Was missing my ex, so I texted her. But she is drunk and on a date. Even the ducks won't accept the food I am trying to feed them :(
 
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