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Hostile women

K

Kult

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 16, 2013
Messages
15
I guess this can apply for men too but I feel like men are more obvious or confrontational (not soo much nowadays...). Anyways in the past I had an experience where I had an ugly pseudo intellectual argument with this girl who was a FOAF, I dont think she was too good at talking to people because she didnt really cooperate with me. After she started getting childish with the debate I just let it go; she was like a raver momma or something that always had her cohorts around going bonkers with glow toys and youtube videos. Pretty soon she spread rumors about how I was in love with her and that I had bad energy or something. I didnt really hang out with a group of rational people at the time and I was also the new guy so naturally they went along with her hypocrtical witch hunt.

Another occasion I met some weird girl on facebook that insisted on coming to my place to do some studio work. Being dumb and horny I said why not, by the time she got to my place I noticed she looked really wasted on something. I was a little too freaked out by her to make a move, so I just did what I said I was going to do and did my best to get her out of my apt without having her freak out over something narcissistic. I flaked on her idea to eat somewhere the day after and that made her flip out. She also spread some rumor about how I was obsessed with her and out to get her; and that I was some sort of scam artist. She did alot of damage suprisingly.

Recently a girl came on to me in a classroom and I took the opportunity to take her number down. I guess I waited too long to talk to her or something, I kind of just wanted to be friendly before I dated her. I tried to sit next to her in class the next time and she just kept her distance; I tried to talk to her and she would barely say anything. I really needed to use her textbook since I didnt have mine so I asked her if she wanted to go out and eat afterwards. She said yes, so I followed her out of class and tried to stir up a conversation. She starts walking faster and faster, stops and tells me that her boyfriend wouldnt want me eating with her. The next time I saw her she started to act like she got more self esteem from it and she stares at me like she thinks im obsessed with her. She still makes an effort to get my attention and its really annoying.

I can go on and on about this because it happens to me quite often. Women always bully me this way and I think its really childish. Even if I make logical assertions to them about how much I dont care for them, they use that to their advantage some how. The pattern with this treatment though is that I make it a little obvious to these women that im not attracted to them. Their response is usually to make me look like im dangerously obsessed with them through manipulative behavior and rumor spreading. I have experienced this when I was a child; now from mostly younger adult women, and also with women in their mid twenties and thirties. Even a dude I knew who turned out to be a jerk spread a gay rumor about me and told everyone that I was hot for him.

Is there a name for this type of hostility? It really drives me nuts and I dont think it makes men or women more attractive when they act like that. Usually every effort to stand up to a girl or a guy who acts like that will twist reality even more to frustrate the person their being hostile to. Whats the cleverest and most civilized way to deal with this type of thing?
 
The world is full of petty, self-absorbed, and spiteful personalities.

I think we have all been there, on either side.

The important thing is to just move on after letting things roll off your back.
 
Its a bit strange that everyone you meet seems to think you are obsessed with them. Maybe its time to have a look at your actions and what signals you are giving out to make people react this way.
 
Nortika said:
Its a bit strange that everyone you meet seems to think you are obsessed with them. Maybe its time to have a look at your actions and what signals you are giving out to make people react this way.
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I don't want to be mean OP, but I kind of have to agree with this...you're the only common element in all that :\

Obviously you might just have been ridiculously unlucky so far, but that's still probably worth thinking about.

I know girls who would behave the way you describe. I know lots of girls who wouldn't. A guy in high school literally made up rumours about me because he was offended I'd turned him down. It happens on both sides, no reason to accuse women in particular. You just gotta be careful who you associate with.
 
I agree with the above two posters....take a hard look at yourself.

What are the odds that most women in your life, from the time you were a child as you say, respond to you in the exact same way? Chances are that it is something you are saying or doing.

Do you have a really close friend who you trust and who is honest that you can ask about this? You could ask if they have noticed anything off about your interactions with women, etc.
 
<<Its a bit strange that everyone you meet seems to think you are obsessed with them. Maybe its time to have a look at your actions and what signals you are giving out to make people react this way. >>

Ditto. Once or twice is a fluke, but if you're consistently getting (or at least perceiving) reactions like this, then the cause probably lies in you.
 
I have to go with the general consensus of this thread and agree that it's probably worth taking a look at yourself.

Also your posts seems pretty vague. Like you're not explaining things in enough detail. (potential denial?)

Recently a girl came on to me in a classroom and I took the opportunity to take her number down. I guess I waited too long to talk to her or something, I kind of just wanted to be friendly before I dated her. I tried to sit next to her in class the next time and she just kept her distance; I tried to talk to her and she would barely say anything. I really needed to use her textbook since I didnt have mine so I asked her if she wanted to go out and eat afterwards. She said yes, so I followed her out of class and tried to stir up a conversation. She starts walking faster and faster, stops and tells me that her boyfriend wouldnt want me eating with her. The next time I saw her she started to act like she got more self esteem from it and she stares at me like she thinks im obsessed with her. She still makes an effort to get my attention and its really annoying.
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This one in particular is pretty concerning.
Despite the girl keeping her distance and barely talking to you, you still felt the need to pursue her. :\
 
Wow didnt think people would start looking up my previous posts to try to assess who I was. Just to be clear I dont experience this with every girl, and I think I made it clear before that im not singling out any gender. Often times I think these misunderstandings are meant for everything but helping the OP.

I dont see what makes me creepy if I sit next to the girl thats been expressing interest in me either; we actually agreed to be study "buddies" before exchanging info. I definently agree that I play a role in this, but I dont think it should provoke the behavior that they exhibit. Im not going to start berating myself just yet to make a solid and entertaining argument for the other posters. Ill take everyones pragmatism seriously when it starts to sound helpful :)
 
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I don't think anyone meant anything badly, Kult. It's just we obviously have a very limited account of the story and we told you what it sounded like - if you think we're all mistaken and there's no basis for what we said, please do feel free to add details, it would help to try and figure out what's going on :)
Obviously since you only gave examples of when you did have that problem, it made it sound like it only ever really ends that way. As I said, please feel free to correct us though.
 
To start off with I read your post and Im kinda wondering what in the fuck you are talking about. It kinda seems like you have awkward social interactions and pissed people off. There are people who are self-obsessed and like to have attention whether it is positive or negative and than act as though it was unwarrented. I would avoid that shit.

Im not sure these women are hostile, I think you may have pissed them off.

Why did you kick out the drunk girl. It seemed like she just was making a reason to come over and fuck and you embarassed her when you wouldnt see her when she was sober. It sounded like she was just nervous about hanging out with you. From what I read it seems like you kinda dissed her, so she probly did not want to say much of anything nice regarding you.

As for the other girl why did you follow her to speak when she was clearly avoiding you. I surely wouldnt have pursued her socially, fuck no. You said she was staring at you like she thought something. Im guessing that no one but her knew exactly what she was thinking, you cant read minds.

I usually make study buddies day one in school. I usually pick two women I think are smart and pretty and exchange contact info. I actually use them as study buddies as in exchanging notes or calling each other if one of us misses a class, but sometimes I have hooked up that way. Often times I have emailed notes and had notes emailed to me when one person misses a class. Its actually a great system and a good way to get to know people. Ive had a soda with a female friend even when one or both of us where dating people. When it comes to college its good to have aquaintances and school buddies. Its good to be friendly with alot of female aquaintances in a college environment as they introduce you to more women.

As far as rumors, deal with it. Shit if a women says she heard I was a fag I would invite her to go shag in the restroom. Its just talk. People usually spread rumors if they are mad, jealous, or for entertainment. So to avoid rumors dont antagonize someone or make yourself a target. Jealous people cannot always be avoided, but they are easily outwitted and not taken seriously.

If someone is lame I try to just smooth shit over if possible and ignore them or just flat out ignore them. If you creep someone out by doing something socially unacceptable, back the fuck off, so they will see it as a minor misunderstanding. I guess dont make shit worse. It seems like you kinda drop the ball sometimes. Some of this shit is your own fault. Just learn from it and grow. If you dont like what I said you are free to tell me to go fuck myself, but I did take the time to respond to your post and give you my two cents.
 
Honestly when I make a thread on a focus forum, I dont expect people to take the time out of their lives to read my previous posts and try to see if im loser (I guess in a virtual sense) enough to be incredulated or invalidated some how (I do however expect that from the average BLer lol). I dont get too much self esteem from assuming the worst about someone I barely know (male hostility?). Just my 2 cents.

I live in SoCal and im not really experienced with the dating scene here. Where I was living before, relationships seem to come pretty easily but these were always in FOAF situations. Since im being forced to talk to people I dont know now that im in a new place, finding a date seems alot harder than before. Kind of like how BLer's here are quick to judge about what kind of person I am, I experience the same with hostile women. Its like they think they can mistreat and misunderstand someone as much as they want because their new or their not affiliated with a certain group (and also because I dont want to sleep with them).

As to "what the fuck im talking about"; I guess this question might not make sense to people who have never experienced this treatment, or people who treat others that way (passive aggressive, relational hostility, narcissistic personality disorder; characteristics of uncooperative and competitive hostile people). The drunk girl puked in my bathroom several times and fed me a ton of sob stories that were probably meant to empty out my pocket. I didnt kick her out, and yes I dissed her because she was everything but a lady to me. Her lies and slander has screwed me out of 2 years worth of work. Shes like an animal that wears clothes and talks like a person, theres no compromising or rationalizing with them when they have their teeth in you; the only solution is a cattle prod.

Obviously the study buddy chick had other plans for me, I dont know if I made that clear. She agreed to have lunch with me, than she staged some scene where I was chasing her immediately after her agreement (I guess that makes me a total creep). Rumor spreading is different in adult life because of things like work; usually when someone is giving false feedback about your work performance you have to deal with it right away to prevent workplace mobbing and other drama (the world is my workplace). Becoming a target for this sort of thing is as easy as performing well; when people feel threatened they start slandering and engage in covert harassment to drive that person to leave. Maybe men and women learn all their hostility from the workplace?
 
When I said I didnt know what the fuck you were talking about I meant just that. Your post was not that well organized. See you didnt really clarify some of the things you said. Now that you elaborated I understand a bit more of what you are saying.

Personally I try not to let shit get to me. Workplaces are competitive and well its gets dirty. Its common to throw someone under the bus for personal gain. I am an adult Holmes and well to be honest thats just the type of shit people do to each other. How you deal with it is what seperates wolves from sheep or predators from prey. To some extent people are more one or the other in competitive environments. I understand you want a comfortable middle ground. That works with most people but some people are just gonna do what they do. Someone elses opinion of me is none of my concern.
 
Kult said:
Honestly when I make a thread on a focus forum, I dont expect people to take the time out of their lives to read my previous posts and try to see if im loser (I guess in a virtual sense) enough to be incredulated or invalidated some how (I do however expect that from the average BLer lol). I dont get too much self esteem from assuming the worst about someone I barely know (male hostility?). Just my 2 cents.
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You've got 4 posts dude, not even sure how anyone could get anything from your previous posts?

Kind of like how BLer's here are quick to judge about what kind of person I am, I experience the same with hostile women. Its like they think they can mistreat and misunderstand someone as much as they want because their new or their not affiliated with a certain group (and also because I dont want to sleep with them).
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Chillax, no one's attacking you. As I said, everything is just said based on your OP. If you thiink you've been misunderstood, just explain it calmly and clear things up. Besides which this forum isn't clique-y at all so you're not being rejected or whatever. Just chill ;)
 
Im chill :) I apologize if I came off mean, ive been talking in different forums alot so im used to the way they conversate.

When it comes to work and climbing the ladder of success, I feel like its the better choice to play the game as ethically as possible. Having been thrown under the bus before, it makes it hard for me to make choices that put others at a detriment for my benefit and say its "just business". I feel like everyone that scratches their way up that ladder has to worry about all the people they jerked around to get there. Usually, those that were targeted that want revenge will not play fair when it comes to getting it. Id rather be free of enemies regardless of how powerful or powerless they are. Id rather promote the best performer than someone who was in my fraternity.
 
This is drifting well off and away from the topic at hand.

Why are some women hostile? Because they feel that they can be. The easiest way to out a narcissistic personality is to feed it enough attention to watch the change in their interpersonal style with you--the mirror.

A narcissist will always make an effort to manipulate information enough to feed the projection of their ego. Make no mistake. You will be devalued on a dime, because it serves their sense of grandiosity. Read into that what you will.

:)

Really, it is better to pity people that need to use and abuse others to feel anything at all.
 
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I'm sorry to say it man, but you're being very defensive here where no harm was intended, is it possible that this is a personality trait that may be coming into effect in these situations? You say people are hostile towards you, but is there a chance that you're simply incorrectly perceiving hostility like you did in this thread, and then acting defensively would definitely make somebody hostile (thinking "what the fuck did I do?") which would solidify your idea that they have it out for you? Sounds like you may have a bit of a cycle going on man.

Try this, next time you meet a girl, be all smiles and give off a friendly and loveable image. Don't treat them any differently to how you would treat a male FOAF for the first time, and if they do anything to offend or wig you out at all, don't even acknowledge it, just keep on being happy. Then, if they're still hostile to you upon next time you meet them, then it's probably not in your head. I think though, if you act like this, then you'll be treated with the same friendly atmosphere as you're giving off :).
 
Holy shit. I dunno if I want to touch this thread.

Just from a general standpoint, something you don't want to do is make a girl or guy feel bad off the bat. Or near off the bat.
You said you kind of booted that girl from your place, flaked on her, and waited too long to talk to the girl in class.
None of that stuff is any kind of horrible offense. But, it does tend to put people on the offensive pretty quickly. First impressions, following up on what you agreed to do with someone or giving them a valid reason why you can't follow up, are important.
If you give someone the impression that they're being ignored or blown off, it can get ugly quick.

It seems like you're looking for someone to tell you that these girls are effed in the head or something. They very well may be. Lots of people are. But, like others have mentioned, if it seems to be a trend it makes more sense to look inward than outward.
 
Everyone already said it. You're the common denominator and I think you're just paranoid that women are out to get you (explains you're paranoid thinking and hesitation with moves).

Tips:
1. If you want to make a move--don't hesitate
- Women KNOW you're peering at them creepily mustering up the courage to say something.
- (I actually used to do this in my boyfriend's bar to PROVE how predictable men were--down to the SECOND. Okay? So you're not being stealthy but CREEPY)
2. Women are NOT out to get you.
3. "Flakey" out on plans is a DICK move and rude--therefore, give the lady(ies) some respect.
4. Study buddies.. STUDY together. So when you get her number, call her/text her to study because (BE HONEST) you need to borrow her textbook. (Don't invite her to go eat--did you even specify WHEN? If she's walking fast--she's running away-- this is obvious.)
5. If you're going to purposefully sit next to a girl that you like--TALK TO HER. If you don't and sit in silence-- it's creepy.
6. Don't let a few bad experience warp your view on women. I mean, it could, but you have to remember all women are NOT the same.
 
Most hostile women are hostile for the exact same reasons some men are hostile- generally they've either been shat on at some point and are very defensive, or they do it because they can and they enjoy it. On the whole I'm pretty hostile to people I don't know...but it really is mainly because I enjoy fucking with people.

Hostility is often part of a sorta 'right of passage'- like the core of my friendship group are constantly abusing eachother in good humour...so being a bit hostile and derogatory about people I don't know is essentially a test- if they get all pissy and just can't take it well then they're probably not gonna cope with hanging out with us.

Besides, crazy hostile women are the best. Totally worth it. Totally. It's just generaly crazy...people like drama, everyone is living in their own movie. Just embrace the madness. Everything you said is just excellent anecdote material- fuck, yeah it was crappy at the time- but atleast you're not BORING go damnit!
 
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