Honestly...I want to know how you feel about your addictions.

[center]

Listen. If you're posting on here, it shows you acknowledge you have a problem.
That's a good thing. It's worse to be blind to the dangers of drug use, like those poor Romanian kids in that trailer. Fuck I still can't get that image from my head (see "Huffing Glue thread).

They're the ones I feel bad for. They don't know any better. Nothing. We know better, we just don't give a fuck is essentially what it comes down to. Yep.

 

[Fight Club]

Center - you are all over this place the last few days . . . I bet you wish someone would pay you to do this shit!

I guess I just consider myself an addict, and don't love it or hate it; I just accept it. Alcoholism and addiction runs in my family, so I so I don't blame myself for where I am, or fool myself into believing it might go away.

That having been said, I thought I had "dodged the bullet" up until about 7 years ago. I had seasonal depression that gradually led to full-time depression when I lost my job. Instead of "climbing back on the horse" I spent too much time sitting around feeling sorry for myself, and let myself get bored. I think the boredom and depression led me back to drug use after not using for almost 20 years prior to that (2nd year in college).

I have been clean and living a sober lifestyle for 18 months now after battling with relapses and failed attempts to kick my IV cocaine addiction that had me spiraling towards death in March 2006.

For me, managing my addiction is all about managing the cravings and obsession to use coke. Not "picking up" just isn't that hard for me.

FC

 

[smokester]

Same as my EX Girlfriend AKA ' The Love Of My Life' She is currently not talking to me (we havent talked in 2 years) and she is seeing another man. Oh well, She put me through ALOT OF HURT (TOO MUCH) and I think that in the end iam better off without her in my life,I keep trying to get in touch with her because I have RECURRING DREAMS ABOUT HER THAT HAVE ME WAKING UP INH FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACKS WHEN I WAKE UP AND IT IS NOT REALITY, I IMMEDIATLKY Pop 1mg of klonopin 3 mgs of xanax and I open up a beer. I sit there and am SOOOOOO Sad when those drems hit me.

How much hurt did you deal her? Think about it that way. Unless you used dope cause of her hurting you...

 

[center]

Center - you are all over this place the last few days . . . I bet you wish someone would pay you to do this shit!

Actually, it's been five.

I recently acquired a new ..toy, misjudged it's real potential in comparison to typical stimulants.

I noticed I developed a complete compulsion with BL. I don't mind giving advice, I have to give something back after talking all that smack. Ha. Ha.

 

[xxanxxtwo]

Actually, it's been five.

I recently acquired a new ..toy, misjudged it's real potential in comparison to typical stimulants.

A new toy, eh?

 

[LinZ-E]

life so far has been a constant struggle (with temporary periods of relief) jumping from one addiction to another.

 

[xxanxxtwo]

^^That essentially sums up my life for the past 10 years as well.

 

[Nik Dynosaur]

Actually, it's been five.

I recently acquired a new ..toy, misjudged it's real potential in comparison to typical stimulants.

I noticed I developed a complete compulsion with BL. I don't mind giving advice, I have to give something back after talking all that smack. Ha. Ha.

modafinil?

 

[AlphaOdure]

My addiction is my disease. It's only been 2 weeks and I miss the mental state of mind I had. I hope after time I will stop feeling the way I do.

(I'm not directing this at you RockWell; just using your statement as a pretext for what i'm saying...)

All of addiction is a disease. I could never get serious about sobriety until i got serious about actually staying clean. You have to learn to associate all of that bullshit that comes along w/ the addict's lifestyle w/ the specific act of using... Otherwise you'll forever be doomed to staying clean for a few weeks here and there; then substituting w/ another drug... then going back to your old addiction and/or finding a new one.

Its all the same story. I tried kicking opioids (heroin and fentanyl) 15 times w/in a 3 yr period w/ no success; overdosed 2 times; 3 rehabs--we can all relate to that same old bullshit. But only recently have i been able to acheive 1 yr 2 mo clean (10 mo from ALL substances aside from my Rx) b/c i starting cutting through the BULLSHIT. I realized this disease is fuckin deadly; and its right up there w/ heart disease as one of the main killers of American's annually.

Only when i got past my own selfish wants and desires for greedy, instant gratification did i see what i was doing to myself and others. I learned to see my use not just as the specific act of getting high; but i saw all the collective bullshit i've put myself, my family, and my friends through. Not to mention all the money i spent that could have probably brought a small, central american nation out of poverty. But keeping all this shit in my mind only helped me maintain sobriety, not acheive it.

And thats b/c disease of addiction is just so mind-numbing and controlling that we all NEED help in breaking through that haze (so we can start to think consciously and start making rational decisions again)- whether it be in detox, NA, AA, or rehab... But the main point is...

Thinking you have it under control and that you can do it on your own is probably the biggest lie you've ever told yourself.

NA saved my life... Thats my story.

 

[xxanxxtwo]

(I'm not directing this at you RockWell; just using your statement as a pretext for what i'm saying...)

All of addiction is a disease. I could never get serious about sobriety until i got serious about actually staying clean. You have to learn to associate all of that bullshit that comes along w/ the addict's lifestyle w/ the specific act of using...

Otherwise you'll forever be doomed to staying clean for a few weeks here and there; then substituting w/ another drug... then going back to your old addiction and/or finding a new one.

Its all the same story. I tried kicking opioids (heroin and fentanyl) 15 times w/in a 3 yr period w/ no success; overdosed 2 times; 3 rehabs--we can all relate to that sasme old bullshit. But only recently have i been able to acheive 1 yr 2 mo clean (10 mo from ALL substances aside from my Rx) b/c i starting cutting through the BULLSHIT. I realized this disease is fuckin deadly; and its right up there w/ heart disease as one of the main killers of American's annually.

Only when i got past my own selfish wants and desires for greedy, instant gratification did i see what i was doing to myself and others. I learned to see my use not just as the specific act of getting high; but i saw all the collective bullshit i've put myself, my family, and my friends through. Not to mention all the money i spent that could have probably brought a small, central american nation out of poverty.

Honestly, I couldn't haven't done it w/o Narcotics Anonymous and the social support it provides. Thats my story.

Good post.

 

[center]

wow that is a large amt of drugd! great jolb quittin!!

 

[MethaContin]

How much hurt did you deal her? Think about it that way. Unless you used dope cause of her hurting you...

I never hurt her, I even said to her "Ive NEVER hurt you." and she replied with 'I Know'

 

[smokester]

Know you know theyre masochists

 

[enoughorangejuice?]

well i dont know if i should even post here or how much to write...

i'm a hardcore benzo addict. however this isn't my fault (the only thing i guess). I was prescribed benzos about 2.5 - 3 years ago and had no idea what i was in for or how addicting they really are. I've recently got a new benzo script (#90, 5mg valium) for this month and in 3-4 days all 90 were gone. Burned thru my #30, 1mg Ativan) script in 2 days, and those scripts were supposed to hold me over til at least November 4th, and now all i have left is benzos from old scripts that i had lying around (thank god).

So now i'm living on 0.25mg klonopin a day and when that runs out, which it will soon, i'll only have #6, 25mg librium's left... and i'm honestly scared shitless about the day i have to wake up and have 0 benzos to take. When i was taking the valium/ativan/and also xanax i could feel the need to take more as soon as the effects wore off, and i would get W/D symptoms if i didn't re-dose.

So whatever thats boring, i'm a legal benzo addict thanks to all my doctors and the lack of education they gave me about these meds and the lack of educating myself prior to taking these meds.

I am an opioid addict. Currently in day 2 of withdrawal (only because i cannot get any).

I love opioids and love my addiction (because as someone said before helps my social anxiety, panic disorder, IBS, social inhibitions, gives me energy/creativity, etc.

however it kills my wallet and my life and my relationships. so i guess i dont hate my addictions or hate opiates and my relationship with them, but rather i guess i'm mad at myself...

however my mother is an addict in her own way (and in a way that IMO is more dangerous to her health than taking opiates). and my grandfather (her dad) was an alcoholic and died in his early 60's from liver cirrhosis (sp?).

so i'm sure thats where i get my urges from (my brother and sister also abused various drugs).

i have tried every stim out there besides meth, and never got hooked, had a brief addiction with cocaine but nothing serious. had ritalin / focalin prescribed to me for a couple of months and never got hooked on them (Was very afraid of addicting drugs after getting hooked on benzos and learning about their W/Ds) so when my new doc found out that i was shooting (IV'ing) my opiates he took away my focalin Rx, but had no problem switching my klonopin Rx to ativan and then to Valium...

IMO/IME benzos are more addicting than ritalin / focalin. Valium is MUCH more addicting than Ritalin IME. I ate 90 valium in 3 days, and my Ritalin scripts i never needed to fill early, or even on time, because i never took them daily.

I always turned back to opiates, even after i was busted (parents found a needle in my room) and was forced to quit for 3 weeks. but then (very blurry memory) i ended up back on opiates as quickly as i got off them.

right now i'm DYING for some pain killers... woke up shaking and nauseous and extremely uncomfortable. could only fall asleep last nite after snorting 10mg of Sonata + 10mg marinol + smoking two bowls + 1mg klonopin + 1,800mg gabapentin.

So my life is a mess. have basically no friends, no GF, no future, no job. no motivation. i hate dead-end jobs and school is horrible for me because i lost my ritalin/focalin script (only thing that allowed me to keep up with all the reading/work in college, as well as standing up and doing presentations in front of the class).

But of course i'm a horrible drug addict and i can't have any Ritalin, because i'm going to abuse that (even tho i never did) just because i have an addiction for pain killers. Makes no sense to me, i can understand saying you can't have addicting meds if you have an addictive personality but come on, they give Ritalin to fucking 7 year olds, the shit isn't addicting in my experiences, especially seeing as i hate uppers (hate feeling tweaked) so my ritalin doses ranged between 2.5mg - 7.5mg max!!!! i hated the feeling of taking any more ritalin than that, and if i was taking more i'd run thru my scripts in no time... but whatever.

back to opiates.... gonna pop 5 or 6 gabapentin's right now and 2 imodium and smoke a tiny puff of herb (have none left) and take my whopping 0.25mg of klonopin, and pray someone can come thru today to get rid of the sickness...

it sucks. life is a messy blur and i have no direction.

in all honesty, i just want like 100 40-80mg oxycontin's and a room, and then i'll just kill myself. but i'd like to go out big, and feeling nice. and i do want to go out, if i failed to mention that earlier. i'm very suicidal, and opiate w/d's don't help that feeling very much.


FUCK - well so much for taking 0.25mg of klonopin. I'm all out and only have 6, 25mg libriums left (to hold me over til november 4th). So i'm totally fucked. UGH. i dont know what to do.

and the original question was how do you feel about your addiction? as stated above i love my addiction to opiates, hate my addiction to benzos, and believe that i'm saying i love my addiction to opiates because i love opiates.

i really just hate myself and i guess its my fault my life is such a mess, its definitely not any particular drugs' fault.

-hopeless, helpless, lifeless

 

[Newmoonrecord]

edit: to see my response to the op and avoid something you may flame me for - skip to the middle/bottom of the post

I definitely believe addiction is a genetic thing. I've never been hardcore "addicted" to something. I've always felt like i had a choice, and I tried pretty hard to destroy my life with drugs but it never stuck and it always felt boring and fake and i quit. I would do a run of heroin for a week or 2 and see if I could feel miserable for myself afterwards and go use again but by the end i would be tired as shit of being high and would just want to get back to regular life. Maybe it has something to do with my adhd (fully treated though), never being satisfied with one thing. But maybe not - after all they say like 70% of addicts have this condition (not being able to derive enough stimulation from everyday life).

Please dont flame me as im not trying to brag or anything. Im just saying i think that there's 2 kinds of people out there - people who get addicted and people who dont (with some in the middle obviously).

and i think coming from my perspective (having been unable to really get "addicted"), or the perspective of the average society person - it's hard to understand why somebody would choose to become a junkie or destroy their life, so i have come to the conlusion that it's beyond their choice, that it must be some major difference in neurochemistry. In this way I agree with the medical model of addiction - it's not necessarily people's poor choices, i mean, there are people who *can* use these drugs intermittently, it's that their choices of substances just unluckily combined with their brain and genes and locked them in some unfortunate trap. For the record - there's no history of drug or alcohol abuse in my family and i havent ever had to deal with long term depression or anxiety.

[I]To respond to the OP:[/I] i feel pretty good about my drug use, which has included pretty much everything in the book, and i am a sucker for occasional opiate use and for pot and psychedelics. I used to abuse speed heavily but i wore out my welcome and im never looking back, i use theraputic amounts daily now and havent had the temptation to abuse for at least 7 months now. Ive been on 3 month long pot binges before and I feel like I could probably smoke pot occasionally or maybe even weekly for my whole life and I dont really feel bad about that at all. I use opiates on and off, and while they're really fun, the negative consequences i've had from them make me pissed off - they've destroyed the stability of my pot highs (pot sucks for me on opiate comedowns) and given me some bad trips (tripping in withdrawal), so sometimes i get pissed off about that. But otherwise i feel fine about it.

Sometimes I feel kind of bad about the fact that me and my friends have sort of dropped out of the typical college lifestyle to do drugs for the last few years, but, then again, isnt that the typical college lifestyle in the first place??

I'm not sure i'll ever clean up, because drugs are too interesting to me (they're also my future profession), and overall I'm happy i discovered and got into them. I definitely think the highs and benefits of using so far have outweighed the negatives in my 2 year experience. They've entirely changed my view on what i need to do in life and on what I want to get out of life, and I feel like they've saved me from a lot of bad choices in my future had i gone on leading the deluded "normal person" life that I was leading before drugs opened my eyes.

 

[chief ten beers]

I was a pretty bad alcoholic for quite a few years,it's cost me dearly.then about a year ago i started dablling in mild opiates.i found i could do my job,not be hungover in the morning and it took the tediousness out of otherwise boring repetitive tasks.i have a script for vics but i often indulge in heavier opiates and my body seems used to have gotten used opiates now.the downside is when you don't have it everything seems to suck and you lose all motivation do get anything done.i don't know what's worse being an alcoholic or an opiate user but i'm more functional as an opiate user i know that for sure.i also feel better than when i was an alcoholic.

 

[Fight Club]

I've never been hardcore "addicted" to something.

. . . I tried pretty hard to destroy my life with drugs but it never stuck . . .

Maybe it has something to do with my adhd (fully treated though), never being satisfied with one thing. But maybe not - after all they say like 70% of addicts have this condition (not being able to derive enough stimulation from everyday life).

. . .feel pretty good about my drug use, which has included pretty much everything in the book, and i am a sucker for occasional opiate use and for pot and psychedelics. I used to abuse speed heavily . . . Ive been on 3 month long pot binges before and I feel like I could probably smoke pot occasionally or maybe even weekly for my whole life . . .

I use opiates on and off, and while they're really fun, the negative consequences i've had from them make me pissed off - they've destroyed the stability of my pot highs (pot sucks for me on opiate comedowns) and given me some bad trips (tripping in withdrawal) . . .

Sometimes I feel kind of bad about the fact that me and my friends have sort of dropped out of the typical college lifestyle to do drugs for the last few years, but, then again, isnt that the typical college lifestyle in the first place??

I think they call this a Poly-drug addiction. Why don't you try giving up everything (including alcohol) for 30 days and see how that works out for you?

BTW - "dropping out" is not the "typical" college lifestyle. Join a club, play intermural sports, get involved with a charity or benefit, take a research position.

Sorry to be hard on you, but my guess is that you are just "hanging out" living on Mommy and Daddy's money until you figure out what you want to do next, or until fate deals you the next hand . . .

FC

 

[LivingOnValium]

I'm a polyaddict. But the biggest problem is tweaking.

 

[Newmoonrecord]

I think they call this a Poly-drug addiction. Why don't you try giving up everything (including alcohol) for 30 days and see how that works out for you?

BTW - "dropping out" is not the "typical" college lifestyle. Join a club, play intermural sports, get involved with a charity or benefit, take a research position.

Sorry to be hard on you, but my guess is that you are just "hanging out" living on Mommy and Daddy's money until you figure out what you want to do next, or until fate deals you the next hand . . .

FC

yeah ive been able to stay off drugs and alcohol only for a maximum of like 10 weeks at a time before starting again, and i do believe i have a "addiction to drugs" but i think polydrug addiction is clinically used to define somebody who's actually dependent on multiple drugs. I do have a plan for my life, and I'm only 1 year away from med school which im pretty sure i'll get in due to my grades and extracurriculars. Thanks for your prejudice though

 

[Fight Club]

yeah ive been able to stay off drugs and alcohol only for a maximum of like 10 weeks at a time before starting again, and i do believe i have a "addiction to drugs" but i think polydrug addiction is clinically used to define somebody who's actually dependent on multiple drugs. I do have a plan for my life, and I'm only 1 year away from med school which im pretty sure i'll get in due to my grades and extracurriculars. Thanks for your prejudice though

Sorry about the second half of my post; I must have been angry (at someone besides you) at the time.

FWIW, I was pretty much in the same boat as you in 1979. Now I am a practicing attorney with wealth beyond my wildest dreams!

FC