So, I've just finished reading yet another frothing-at-the-mouth hysteria piece about a "deadly new drug corrupting our youth"; it goes without saying the drug is relatively benign compared to some the shit you can buy legally. (I'm referring to kratom of all things btw) they were even trying to claim people have begun snorting and shooting it..(ha!) Rather than get depressed about the blatant sensationalism of our gutter press, I decided to write a spoofy little news story of my own. Here it goes, and I apologise for the length of my first blog: (it's lampooning the media's methods, and people who have strong opinions of drug users, while remaining ignorant of the nature of addiction; I am an addict myself btw)
The Daily Disinformation can reveal worrying new reports of a deadly new drug ravaging our nation: it's called homeopathic morphine, and every day millions of your poor, innocent children are becoming trapped in its deadly claws. It's fatal, It's addictive, and we have absolutely no medical evidence to prove this. People are flocking to homeopathy clinics in record numbers to obtain this vile poison, and nobody can testify to this fact more than brave recovering addict Irene Puddlefish:
"It's destroyed my life. I would go "doctor shopping" for homeopathic morphine, paying up to 2000 per visit for consultations and prescriptions. It all began when I started searching for a cure for my terminal hypochondria. Conventional medicine wouldn't help me; they said i was neurotic. I found that cure, and I found a world of pain and misery, in homeopathic morphine. It gave me a mild sense of well being and relaxation. (Although that could have just been my imagination). I would visit these doctors at least 5 times per day, and I'll never forget the deadly anticipation I would feel as they were filling my prescription. They would hand over the little sugar pills treated with a single drop of water, containing one part morphine per 100 trillion parts water. I was driven, and utterly obsessed. Until the day I discovered I was addicted, and would suffer the most excruciating withdrawal symptoms if I missed my fix. They were terrible: I would get a vague sense of being off kilter, and a mild sense of being ill-at-ease (Although that could have just been my imagination). At least until the day I decided to check my myself into a 5000 per week rehab clinic. The detox process was hellish. (Although that could have just been my imagination).
I'm clean now, and I'm doing the right things; I'm determined to save our poor, innocent, helpless babies from making the same mistakes I made. ( I have no children; I don't really like them, if I'm honest. But I feel strongly about preventing people from getting high). These days I drive around my city, hissing and snarling at those awful,awful people at methadone clinics. I also enjoy guarding the lobby of my apartment with a loaded handgun, and forcing everybody entering or leaving to take a drug test at gunpoint. Once, somebody tested positive for cannabis when he tried to leave his home, so I shot him in the face. Twice. It was the only way to help the poor man; i had no choice. The government gave me a medal: Brave Hero of the War Against Drugs. It was the proudest moment of my life."
We at the Daily Disinformation do not condone shooting recreational
Drug users in the face. Parents, if your worried about your kiddies becoming addicted to homeopathic morphine, we strongly advise you to do the smart thing and drug test them regularly. Or you could just drag them to a rehab clinic, just to be safe. At gunpoint, if necessary.
We think its high time somebody finally says: wont somebody PLEASE think of the children!?
Editors note: Irene Puddlefish is a fictional character; we made her up on the back of a fag packet to make you take us seriously. It's been a very slow news week. We're confident your not reading this, however; it's more than likely your already grabbing your pitchforks and torches.
The Daily Disinformation can reveal worrying new reports of a deadly new drug ravaging our nation: it's called homeopathic morphine, and every day millions of your poor, innocent children are becoming trapped in its deadly claws. It's fatal, It's addictive, and we have absolutely no medical evidence to prove this. People are flocking to homeopathy clinics in record numbers to obtain this vile poison, and nobody can testify to this fact more than brave recovering addict Irene Puddlefish:
"It's destroyed my life. I would go "doctor shopping" for homeopathic morphine, paying up to 2000 per visit for consultations and prescriptions. It all began when I started searching for a cure for my terminal hypochondria. Conventional medicine wouldn't help me; they said i was neurotic. I found that cure, and I found a world of pain and misery, in homeopathic morphine. It gave me a mild sense of well being and relaxation. (Although that could have just been my imagination). I would visit these doctors at least 5 times per day, and I'll never forget the deadly anticipation I would feel as they were filling my prescription. They would hand over the little sugar pills treated with a single drop of water, containing one part morphine per 100 trillion parts water. I was driven, and utterly obsessed. Until the day I discovered I was addicted, and would suffer the most excruciating withdrawal symptoms if I missed my fix. They were terrible: I would get a vague sense of being off kilter, and a mild sense of being ill-at-ease (Although that could have just been my imagination). At least until the day I decided to check my myself into a 5000 per week rehab clinic. The detox process was hellish. (Although that could have just been my imagination).
I'm clean now, and I'm doing the right things; I'm determined to save our poor, innocent, helpless babies from making the same mistakes I made. ( I have no children; I don't really like them, if I'm honest. But I feel strongly about preventing people from getting high). These days I drive around my city, hissing and snarling at those awful,awful people at methadone clinics. I also enjoy guarding the lobby of my apartment with a loaded handgun, and forcing everybody entering or leaving to take a drug test at gunpoint. Once, somebody tested positive for cannabis when he tried to leave his home, so I shot him in the face. Twice. It was the only way to help the poor man; i had no choice. The government gave me a medal: Brave Hero of the War Against Drugs. It was the proudest moment of my life."
We at the Daily Disinformation do not condone shooting recreational
Drug users in the face. Parents, if your worried about your kiddies becoming addicted to homeopathic morphine, we strongly advise you to do the smart thing and drug test them regularly. Or you could just drag them to a rehab clinic, just to be safe. At gunpoint, if necessary.
We think its high time somebody finally says: wont somebody PLEASE think of the children!?
Editors note: Irene Puddlefish is a fictional character; we made her up on the back of a fag packet to make you take us seriously. It's been a very slow news week. We're confident your not reading this, however; it's more than likely your already grabbing your pitchforks and torches.
