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Highly Illogical - #31

A

Ataraxia

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 3, 2001
Messages
47
Location
in the depths of your imagination
consider this as a sort of introduction...
I'm the quiet observer, just sitting in the corner taking in my environment... and god do I hate my environment. well, I hate it as much as someone who's indifferent to everything can. nothing really phases me anymore. I neither love nor hate very much in this world. it's the depression, I can't really help it. but as long as I can convince psychiatrists (bunch of babbling airheads that obviously don't know what they're doing, if you ask me) then I refuse to get all drugged up to "cure" my illness... I'm not very fond of that idea, personally. just drugs in general bother me... but drugs that will basically permanently alter my personality and attitude, that's just too much for me to swallow... (damn puns, they show up when they're not supposed to!)
waiting... that's what my life revolves around now. it seems I'm always waiting for someone... to come rescue me from my pain. but do I really want that? without the pain... I can't live. if I were happy all the time, I don't think life would be worth living. knowing that I'll always be content, never depressed, suicidal thoughts never crossing my mind, never crying for no apparent reason... what would be the point? it doesn't seem very exciting. same emotion day after day after day... but then, when I think about it, that's what my life is like now. nothing really changes... except the person throwing me back into depression, causing me to cry myself to sleep every night... the only constant in this world is change, so does that mean my life is not constant? or does it change more than I realize. have I become too blind to see it?
I want to be dominated. it would be interesting to see if I can be controlled, become the submissive partner, though it would most definitely have to be forced upon me, by a strong personality, and it may take quite some time and determination. I've never been one to give in very easily when someone tries to take over. it's in my nature... it's a predatory trait I suppose... a survival instinct I've never been able to push aside. but I want to be the submissive one... I want someone to drown me in mental pain... I want to know what it's like to give in to someone's every desire... I want to be dominated...
I don't undertand how I can be so detatched from my environment, yet be so incredibly aware of what goes on around me. does this mean I really do care, but don't want to admit it to myself? I keep asking questions I can't answer... and so far nobody else can either... how can people expect me to answer their torrents of questions about my life if I can't answer the more important ones myself? there I go again... asking things that can't be answered... damn, I have so many bad habits. I put my loved ones through hell... for no real reason at all... I don't want to, but I lose control of my mind, my emotions... and eventually, what words come out of my mouth... it hurts me more than them, though I'm the only one that knows this. you see? bad bad habits... that I can't quit... I seem to have an obsession... an addiction to mental pain... inflicting it both upon myself and those I love... and I hate it...
scream "are we having fun yet?"
 
You seem to be confused with life. I doubt u want metal pain. You enjoy the concept it excites u to be completly controlled by someone just because u think u are such a strong person in your beliefs. And no I am no psyciatrist lol I am a 17 year old kid who like urself sits back most of the time and looks at his enviorment. You have felt
I gather from this post a lot of mental
distress throughout ur life. You have
taken so much you have stopped caring about
things. You have taken so much you feel
secure in it. It is the one constant you
can trust in that someone will bring you
down. Therefore the concept of being happy
doesn't apply to you. Why be happy when I
have my whole life felt depression,anger,etc.
And then because you have felt this so much
you decide why not get absolutly and
completely overwhelmed by this one emotion.
Let it become me let the emotion shine
through me. The only way you feel this is
possible is by someone absoultly controlling
u to do things that you know you don't want
to do.And in essence you actually do want to
do them. This is why you are confused.
You have to allow urself to change. Change
is another constant in life but u have to
let it be. People can not change if they
don't want to. But they are always given
that chance. This is why it is a constant.
Allowing urself to be happy and to change
I think would help get you out of this
confused state. Being happy is not easy if
it was there wouldn't be so much anger,
hatred,depression etc. You have to find
something that u love or at least something
that makes u happy and be around it.
Whether it is a person a hobby etc. Do it
as much as possible. Once you feel secure
with this you will probably feel more secure
about yourself. Also don't think by doing
something that makes you depressed will you
become happy. This is the general concept
I am getting from your post that is why
you feel you are as you put it "Highly
Illogical." Because you feel safe in
depression because you have been there
I am assuming most of your life. Do something
besides that where you feel it brings a smile
to your face. It my not feel safe and secure
at first in fact it probably won't. But after
time you will be alright with your new or
better acquainted surroundings. And this
will become secure to you. And from there
you can move on to get out of this
depression. Much love always PureEnlightment.
Aim:Confusionaroundu
 
where to begin...
first, thanks for the laugh, I needed it after such a long day. (see? I really AM capable of feeling pleasure, even if I'm being insulted in the process)
second, not a psychiatrist hm? you sure as hell sound like one... babbling airhead!
third, the title Highly Illogical is just a title... one I use for all my monthly writings... I seem to be the only creature on this planet that isn't confused by everything, because I see things as they are. I will never allow my mind to be polluted by what I am told by others... religion particularly...
fourth (and last), I have hobbies... and humans... that I love. my life is not completely void of pleasure. do you know what ataraxia means? I suggest you look it up sometime if you don't. not ONCE did I state the fact that I do not enjoy life, because it simply isn't true. if I was so miserable I would've killed myself years ago. but suicide is one of many weaknesses which I frown upon... plus it's extremely selfish, which I am not. you are right, I am comfortable in my "depression," because that is my natural state. it's nothing I've learned or acquired over time. I was born with it. I personally see nothing wrong with it, but human doctors find it "disturbing." by the way... assuming you understand what sadomasochism is... the pain I crave is similar to this concept, is it not? nothing too unusual about it, only I prefer mental over physical abuse. it's more fun...
anyhow, my apologies in advance to any I offended with my comment on religion polluting the mind...
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Today in medical science recognizes that some folks aren't helped by relaxing exercises. In cases of difficult tension and nervous apprehension, doctors are now prescribing medicine. It makes those who fear they're about to quit feel like they're ready to begin, bidding their darkened spirits goodbye, for the calming peace of a cloudless sky...
[This message has been edited by Ataraxia (edited 04 October 2001).]
 
are you afraid of changing? of maybe becoming who you claim to dislike? i'm just taking a gamble that maybe you would rather be the first to hurt than the first to be hurt. i feel that way all the tim. like i'm afraid that i let myself be happy that there is sure to be some sort of punishment in it's wake. i definately am not a srink nor did the ones i go to help but i am young/old enough to understand some of what you are going through but don't pretend to be wise. i hope that you will continue to write you"highly illogical" words so i can continue to know that i am not the only one confused by what she doesn't know.
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"Dance like no one's watching,
and love like it's never going to hurt...."
 
Doesn't everyone want to be the first to hurt rather than be hurt? There's something safe in knowing you are the one who is in control.
 
lol sowwie for sounding like a psyciatrist perhaps that is why u flipped out on me or whatever but seriously I am not. And well I am just trying to give helpful words nothing more nothing less. And well I am sowwie for not having as broad of a vocabulary as someone from ur amazing level of insight says I should. But then again I am only 17. Well anywayz do what u wish. Much love always PureEnlightment.
Aim:Confusionaroundu
 
PureEnlightment, about the vocabulary thing... I'm a year younger than you, so what's your excuse?
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Today in medical science recognizes that some folks aren't helped by relaxing exercises. In cases of difficult tension and nervous apprehension, doctors are now prescribing medicine. It makes those who fear they're about to quit feel like they're ready to begin, bidding their darkened spirits goodbye, for the calming peace of a cloudless sky...
 
Your name caught my eye and I was interested in seeing what you had to say. After reading this I felt that I got to know you, and it is amazing. Sadly there aren't many people out there in the world nor any here that are as talented as you.
 
what can I say Guido, I'm completely flattered by your words... not very often does someone have that affect on me.
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Today in medical science recognizes that some folks aren't helped by relaxing exercises. In cases of difficult tension and nervous apprehension, doctors are now prescribing medicine. It makes those who fear they're about to quit feel like they're ready to begin, bidding their darkened spirits goodbye, for the calming peace of a cloudless sky...
 
arrogance? if I am arrogant, it's because that's the only attitude I've gotten from just about everyone I've met. I never saw myself as arrogant though... :shrugs: oh well, what do I know about anything
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Today in medical science recognizes that some folks aren't helped by relaxing exercises. In cases of difficult tension and nervous apprehension, doctors are now prescribing medicine. It makes those who fear they're about to quit feel like they're ready to begin, bidding their darkened spirits goodbye, for the calming peace of a cloudless sky...
 
HA there is a taco in my subject, BUT I DIDNT EAT TACOS TONIGHT, OH NO, I ATE "CHICKEN MCNUGGETS", mwahahaha, I am so crafty, crazy, and over all chaoticly EVIL!
but i digressify from seriousity. how wuld it b, Ataraxaphase, if u wuld go outside and lie down in a field while a dog sharpened his teeth nearby on a stone made of wood? the sound wuld sooooothe u into a dream where u break ur life down into da cubes and transgress into a state of that which is the feeling of eating a pie straight frum da oven. did i mention that the pie is filled with broken glass and robotic wasps? also, the crust is the color of bear gold and the syrupy stuff inside is vile and may turn you into a chimney cleaner.
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You have been rebellious against the Lord from the day that I knew you. And i turned and came down from the mountain and put the tables in the arc which i made, from there have journeyed Gudgodah and then to Jotbathah a land of brooks and i took your sin, the calf which you had made, and burned with fire and crushed it, grinding it very small, until it was finest dust. And the Lord was very angry with Aaron, angry enough to have destroyed him, and i prayed for him, and i prayed for Aaron at the same time. Yet they are your people and your inheritance whom you brought out by your almighty power and your outstretched arm. And the lord said to me, arise, journey on before the people and they may go in and possess the land in which i swore to their fathers to give them. And what he did to you in the wilderness until you came to this place.
 
first off... Marshal... all I have to say is creepiness!
second... and more importantly... Mellabopper, are you trying to tell me what I can and can not say? I simply asked a question, no need to get snippy about it. and what's the deal with blocking people just because you claim they're behavior is unacceptable, or whatever other reason you may have? christ, some of you people need to fuckin lighten up! don't be such prissy, braindead pricks, you might get a little more out of life.
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Today in medical science recognizes that some folks aren't helped by relaxing exercises. In cases of difficult tension and nervous apprehension, doctors are now prescribing medicine. It makes those who fear they're about to quit feel like they're ready to begin, bidding their darkened spirits goodbye, for the calming peace of a cloudless sky...
 
Mellabopper, are you trying to tell me what I can and can not say?
Click to expand...
yes i am.
if you want to hold a personal conversation, do it over AIM or e-mail - dont do it in the post.
Mellabopper
 
***edited by Mellabopper (No bullshit in this forum!)***
[This message has been edited by Mellabopper (edited 15 October 2001).]
 
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