Hey:)! What's your favorite thing to do to to create a natural, drug free "high"?

[MrRoot]

^ This. Sometimes you need to give time for bad things before you start to deal with them actively.

I am nearly left totally speechless about what you have experienced. That is just so cruel and don't know how evil guys like that can exist (and that has been one issue I've dealt with too while seeing a lot of evil things in Afghanistan. I'll share some what I've experienced if someone is interested to hear and doesn't seem like I've hijacking your thread Notsoprettyinpink?).

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

^ This. Sometimes you need to give time for bad things before you start to deal with them actively.

I am nearly left totally speechless about what you have experienced. That is just so cruel and don't know how evil guys like that can exist (and that has been one issue I've dealt with too while seeing a lot of evil things in Afghanistan. I'll share some what I've experienced if someone is interested to hear and doesn't seem like I've hijacking your thread Notsoprettyinpink?).

This is to Soho 1st and MrRoot 2nd. I do see a therapist but have never mentioned this since the 1st person just tried to be like my "best friend". That's not a bad thing but at the time I had a for real best friend to talk to so basically I feel like I was paying someone to be my friend.

Now, I do see a therapist but to learn to cope with all the dramatic changes that happened to me within a year. Running, hiking and speed walking up to 10 miles per day were always my "natural highs". Those were my favorites. And while blasting music. When I developed Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, it came to an unexpected complete end. But I'm going to stop going because no one can know EXACTLY what another person is going through. As for family? They're either sadly dead or "dead in my eyes". All for extremely good reasoning. As for friends? I had tons. But next month it'll be 1 year since I've spoken to any of them because my addiction ruled my world. I changed my # and secluded myself. I was also all over Facebook posting silly pictures of myself, making jokes....anything to make others laugh or else make them feel good. Plus always inspirational quotes. I never shared negativity and was much loved. The last I checked my email, I had 127 notifications and that makes me feel awful because I'd like to go on there and at least apologize and let them know I'm still alive at least but just can't bring myself to do it. And friends I was VERY close with, I lost all their #'s when I got a new phone and #. So actually, you all are the only friends I've got. And I so much appreciate anyone who takes the time to write to me

MrRoot, I don't understand it either. The evil people in this world seem to get away with so very much more then the good which deeply saddens me.

As for hijacking my thread? I'd never, ever feel that way. And I wish you'd share. It helps to talk and as much as I "talk" I'm also a great listener too. I'm positive you witnessed horrific things that will never leave your mind. My dad actually served 35 years in the Army living all around the world (Ethiopia, Turkey, Beirut, Germany and then all across the states). He couldn't get away from it. I wasn't born yet when he, my mom and my siblings lived overseas but I did live in 8 different states growing up. He retired as a Master Sergeant and then went into Army Intelligence. Then lowered himself to an M.P....ended his career working in Arlington in the CIA building. I LOVED listening to him. The good, the super bad, sad (which much was) and everything in between. So please do share.
My upmost respect and love for serving our country goes out to you

 

[MrRoot]

Notsoprettyinpink, sadly my Facebook usage before the worst phase of addiction and the cessation for a long time in some point seems just like mine but I have started to participate in Facebook again few weeks ago.

I think I'll have to clarify that I served in Finnish army as a peacekeeper so I have not served for your country

One of the totally worst thing that I experienced was after when we escorted crew from doctors without borders association to give out vaccines and vitamins to a villagers in a village near our base and then get to known people in there quite well as we patrolled there often after our initial visit.

The kids in the village very lovely. They gathered around us when we came asking for candies, bubblegum and light sticks and they wanted to learn English and Finnish words. Adults were welcoming too and often we had tea offered and of course didn't decline and chatted in atleast with body language. They even throw us a feast one night after their religous fasting ended.

I have to put NSFW tags as this isn't for the most sensitive persons.

NSFW:

One night while patrolling we heard gunfire in the general direction of that village. We asked for reinforcements and went to scout the area. My squad was first to see that there was indeed a firefight against Talibans going on in the village and the villagers were of course underdogs. While we waited for reinforcement and authorization to use lethal force as we can't use it except for self defence if it is not authorized beforehand in these kind of situations I decided to move our squad nearer the village so that the Taliban could see us and maybe stop what ey are doing as they had some one observing them

It was in vain and they just continued and I could see that the firing posts of the villagers stopped one by one as outnumbering force was slaying them. As my Squad was there first I decided to stay and be a part of counter attack when our reinforcements arrived. We drove of them easily as hey just wanted to get away and didn't receive permission to press on further.

I decided to head back to village to help survivors just to see that nearly everyone was slaughtered. I still remember the image of a dead woman holding her dead son in her arms just as well as I remember heaps of bodies with throats cut by those evil assholes. And the smell of people burned alive by gasoline poured over them and hen locking them in a house in they throw an molotov cocktail. Survivors were women who were raped while the gunfight was on.

One psych said that it is no wonder why I felt relief from opioids and benzos after this and some other shit that I witnessed during there such as still smoldering massgrave which wasn't yet coated. Driving into IED and getting hurt was actually nothing psychologically although my injuries are from that.

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

Notsoprettyinpink, sadly my Facebook usage before the worst phase of addiction and the cessation for a long time in some point seems just like mine but I have started to participate in Facebook again few weeks ago.

I think I'll have to clarify that I served in Finnish army as a peacekeeper so I have not served for your country

One of the totally worst thing that I experienced was after when we escorted crew from doctors without borders association to give out vaccines and vitamins to a villagers in a village near our base and then get to known people in there quite well as we patrolled there often after our initial visit.

The kids in the village very lovely. They gathered around us when we came asking for candies, bubblegum and light sticks and they wanted to learn English and Finnish words. Adults were welcoming too and often we had tea offered and of course didn't decline and chatted in atleast with body language. They even throw us a feast one night after their religous fasting ended.

I have to put NSFW tags as this isn't for the most sensitive persons.

NSFW:

One night while patrolling we heard gunfire in the general direction of that village. We asked for reinforcements and went to scout the area. My squad was first to see that there was indeed a firefight against Talibans going on in the village and the villagers were of course underdogs. While we waited for reinforcement and authorization to use lethal force as we can't use it except for self defence if it is not authorized beforehand in these kind of situations I decided to move our squad nearer the village so that the Taliban could see us and maybe stop what ey are doing as they had some one observing them

It was in vain and they just continued and I could see that the firing posts of the villagers stopped one by one as outnumbering force was slaying them. As my Squad was there first I decided to stay and be a part of counter attack when our reinforcements arrived. We drove of them easily as hey just wanted to get away and didn't receive permission to press on further.

I decided to head back to village to help survivors just to see that nearly everyone was slaughtered. I still remember the image of a dead woman holding her dead son in her arms just as well as I remember heaps of bodies with throats cut by those evil assholes. And the smell of people burned alive by gasoline poured over them and hen locking them in a house in they throw an molotov cocktail. Survivors were women who were raped while the gunfight was on.

One psych said that it is no wonder why I felt relief from opioids and benzos after this and some other shit that I witnessed during there such as still smoldering massgrave which wasn't yet coated. Driving into IED and getting hurt was actually nothing psychologically although my injuries are from that.

WOW, this definitely brought tears to my eyes. And I still see it as you served our country. Perhaps not through the militaries eyes but definitely by mine. Putting your life at risk in a foreign country to help the needy is indeed a HUMONGOUS service. "Fighting" versus "peace making"? I'm sure we would all agree that the peace making (although impossible with some countries) would be the ultimate goal leading to perhaps less "fighting".

I actually commend you even more now after sharing what you did . And I can see why you wanted to cover up the pain that will forever be instilled in your brain. If you ever need a friend to talk to, please don't hesitate to private message me. You've endured ALOT and although I write long replies, I hope it doesn't seem that I'm self centered because I am a great listener and advise giver too. I love helping others.

The worst story my dad and mom shared with me was when he was stationed in Ethiopia. Our country was there to help them yet most didn't want U.S. soldiers there. So as a "punishment" whenever someone committed a petty crime there (even just stealing and no matter the age) they would hang them right in front of a U.S. soldiers house. It terrified (obviously) my mom. They had to have a high wired fence with barb wire around their home and a vicious "watch dog" and she was always told to stay inside, shades closed. She didn't listen though and always went outside and fed the starving who by word of mouth knew she'd give. Actually there? My dad was in intelligence so my mom really put her life more at risk then he did. That was her persona til the day she died. She gave to any charity that's pretty much out there, spoiled me like crazy (as did my dad). Ironically though I never became a greedy, always expecting the best in life type of woman due to this...but rather became a spitting image of them both. I'd much prefer to give then to receive and you're OBVIOUSLY the same.

It's an honor to have "met" you and I hope you keep in touch.
With much love and honor to you,
Bernadette

 

[Grusinskaya]

I reached 5 years of being alcohol-free last month, and knocked anything else besides my prescription meds and modafinil on the head back in early April. My partner's mum died the day before my birthday in late March, following a few weeks on life support with organ failure and ultimately never waking up, her liver having basically been destroyed by drink over the years. The months then have been... a hell of a ride, emphasis on hell. I'm now literally the only person that my partner has to lean on... I won't go into my own health issues here but since I started exercising in late April that has been an immense help, in so many ways. Once you learn to love it, you get bummed if you have to stop! I do High Intensity Interval Training HIIT), strength training with weights, cardio, Pilates and yoga, without having to leave the house (social anxiety, hello). In a strange, sweaty way it's almost like meditation, as well as physically burning off anxiety and stress.

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

I reached 5 years of being alcohol-free last month, and knocked anything else besides my prescription meds and modafinil on the head back in early April. My partner's mum died the day before my birthday in late March, following a few weeks on life support with organ failure and ultimately never waking up, her liver having basically been destroyed by drink over the years. The months then have been... a hell of a ride, emphasis on hell. I'm now literally the only person that my partner has to lean on... I won't go into my own health issues here but since I started exercising in late April that has been an immense help, in so many ways. Once you learn to love it, you get bummed if you have to stop! I do High Intensity Interval Training HIIT), strength training with weights, cardio, Pilates and yoga, without having to leave the house (social anxiety, hello). In a strange, sweaty way it's almost like meditation, as well as physically burning off anxiety and stress.

Thanks for sharing, Grusinskaya! And congratulations! Alcohol is tough to beat (just as much as any other drug, if not worse because if you don't get help it can actually lead to death if you cold turkey yourself). When I first read that years ago, I was shocked. The same goes for benzo's (ativan, xanax, valium...etc).

I'm very sorry to hear about your partner's mom though. I'm sure it's quite tough on you being the only support that he or she has. Especially if you're not feeling so great yourself. And you can share anything you'd like on any thread I have.

The most painful ailment I have is Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Some are familiar with it, many not. It's a disorder of the nervous system. Most of the time my legs are a reddish/purple in color from the knee down and the pain is intense. Literally my bed sheets even irritate my legs. Geez, if one of my dogs wags their tail and it hits my legs, it feels like a hammer hit them and I truly scream in pain. The worst part is there is no cure.

Back to you; you have a GREAT workout schedule!! I wish I could run the 10 miles I was able to close to a year and a half ago but I am going to start (I did yesterday) at least small walks daily.

I'm sorry, also though, that you have social anxiety. I used to have it really bad (and still do when it comes to certain circumstances) but the medication I take really helps alot. By the useage of "mum" (which I think is so cute), I'm thinking you probably don't live in the U.S but there's an antidepressant (an ssri) medication here called Paxil that is said to help many people overcome social anxiety. Unfortunately for me though, it came down to using Xanax (Alprazolam) for it and it helped me tremendously. And although it's highly addictive I've never abused it and actually take less then prescribed on most days.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing a portion of your life with me and also what works for you and also for sharing what helps with your stress and anxiety.
Much love to you

 

[Grusinskaya]

Thanks for sharing, Grusinskaya! And congratulations! Alcohol is tough to beat (just as much as any other drug, if not worse because if you don't get help it can actually lead to death if you cold turkey yourself). When I first read that years ago, I was shocked. The same goes for benzo's (ativan, xanax, valium...etc).

I'm very sorry to hear about your partner's mom though. I'm sure it's quite tough on you being the only support that he or she has. Especially if you're not feeling so great yourself. And you can share anything you'd like on any thread I have.

The most painful ailment I have is Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. Some are familiar with it, many not. It's a disorder of the nervous system. Most of the time my legs are a reddish/purple in color from the knee down and the pain is intense. Literally my bed sheets even irritate my legs. Geez, if one of my dogs wags their tail and it hits my legs, it feels like a hammer hit them and I truly scream in pain. The worst part is there is no cure.

Back to you; you have a GREAT workout schedule!! I wish I could run the 10 miles I was able to close to a year and a half ago but I am going to start (I did yesterday) at least small walks daily.

I'm sorry, also though, that you have social anxiety. I used to have it really bad (and still do when it comes to certain circumstances) but the medication I take really helps alot. By the useage of "mum" (which I think is so cute), I'm thinking you probably don't live in the U.S but there's an antidepressant (an ssri) medication here called Paxil that is said to help many people overcome social anxiety. Unfortunately for me though, it came down to using Xanax (Alprazolam) for it and it helped me tremendously. And although it's highly addictive I've never abused it and actually take less then prescribed on most days.

Anyway, thanks again for sharing a portion of your life with me and also what works for you and also for sharing what helps with your stress and anxiety.
Much love to you

Hey there, thanks for the response I'm still finding my feet around here despite registering years ago... Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy sounds awful to have to endure I feel very lucky to still have my physical health intact despite sometimes feeling I've cheated death to get this far! I've detoxed twice from alcohol, first at 26 as an inpatient and following a gradual then sudden relapse I underwent a medically supervised home detox in 2011 when I was 31. To be honest since the second time I've not been remotely tempted by alcohol, feels like it shouldn't be this easy but even just accidentally tasting alcohol by picking up someone else's drink would bother me immensely. I don't mind other people drinking round me at all (apart from when they get really drunk and annoying haha) but I know now that I simply can't drink full stop. I've actually been on paroxetine (Seroxat in the UK usually!) for years now, along with diazepam for anxiety and zopiclone for sleep, the SSRI helps my depression but as yet I'm still battling the social anxiety, unable to work and also acting as my partner's carer... right now I'm taking one day at a time because of how life can change in an eye's blink, being grateful for the simple things. Like my cat, who is very simple! :D But yeah, I regard exercise as a form of self-care, superficial benefits also do help though of course. Plus it tends to engender other stuff like eating more healthily and getting proper sleep, all good stuff

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

Hey there, thanks for the response I'm still finding my feet around here despite registering years ago... Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy sounds awful to have to endure I feel very lucky to still have my physical health intact despite sometimes feeling I've cheated death to get this far! I've detoxed twice from alcohol, first at 26 as an inpatient and following a gradual then sudden relapse I underwent a medically supervised home detox in 2011 when I was 31. To be honest since the second time I've not been remotely tempted by alcohol, feels like it shouldn't be this easy but even just accidentally tasting alcohol by picking up someone else's drink would bother me immensely. I don't mind other people drinking round me at all (apart from when they get really drunk and annoying haha) but I know now that I simply can't drink full stop. I've actually been on paroxetine (Seroxat in the UK usually!) for years now, along with diazepam for anxiety and zopiclone for sleep, the SSRI helps my depression but as yet I'm still battling the social anxiety, unable to work and also acting as my partner's carer... right now I'm taking one day at a time because of how life can change in an eye's blink, being grateful for the simple things. Like my cat, who is very simple! :D But yeah, I regard exercise as a form of self-care, superficial benefits also do help though of course. Plus it tends to engender other stuff like eating more healthily and getting proper sleep, all good stuff

You're such a sweet an upbeat person... exactly what I need right now.

I feel the same exact way right now when it comes to drinking. After my mom passed away I was drinking a 5th of vodka every 2 days. I didn't go into an inpatient facility but rather outpatient. Now? If I even see or smell Gatorade I feel like I'm going to vomit (what I always mixed my vodka with).

A little while later (after weaning off drinking) is when I was "introduced" to oxycodone. It felt like a warm "blanket" was put over my emotions and covered my heart and that's what I hate the very most about this drug. I was always confident about myself (to a decent degree) yet now, it's hard to see me as "me".

I, also, have no desire for any drugs. I don't want to ever go back to the alcohol as it was HORRID for me but I also don't want to go back to the opiates/opiods. I actually went to see my pain management doctor today and told him I didn't want my (narcotic) meds but that I'd take the epidural shots as well as the mass quantity of other meds I'm prescribed and will wait and see what happens. I still was required to take a "test" but was good with it all. My lifestyle is limited but I sure don't want to spend it "counting pills".

And "one day at a time" is the only way we can take it. I even went to an NA meeting tonight but just didn't feel I "fit in". I wanted to go to one away from my area yet when someone spoke about stealing wedding bands and other jewelry before a person was buried, I had to leave. I buried both of my parents....picked out what they'd wear and kept their wedding bands on .....they are now buried side by side but the mere thought of someone taking them off of them and selling them for drugs....it beyond sickened me personally but I do understand that some people I suppose "can't help it"....it still breaks my heart though

Right now for me, I feel like it's all PAWS. And my anxiety is through the roof. Yet I could've got my script for "just in case" today but didn't so I'm hoping and praying that that's a sign that I REALLY do want this.

Thank you for your response. I LOVE bluelight but don't want to hear about people who are having "fun" with what I once abused which is why I'm now only sticking with the "Sober Living" forum. I feel I'm much too weak right now to read about anything else.

Much love to you and congratulations on your sobriety!!
Sincerely,
Bernadette

 

[herbavore]

Reading this thread brings up something in me--an anger at the stigma that addiction carries. OP and Mr Root, I challenge anyone with a human heart to go through what you two have experienced and not have turned to anything that could even temporarily blunt the pain. Of course it is temporary, of course it brings more pain, of course it is not a sustainable answer but it made rational sense to you in a time of desperation and I wish that the stigma of that choice could be erased from society. I hope that the two of you realize how strong you are even though addiction may be trying to convince you otherwise. If you have not read the book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté, I think you would both find it helpful.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I second herby'so sentiments and suggestions here with more vigor than I have ever done so with when it comes to her A class advice

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...vTqLua1nQspzvaGUQ&sig2=TYOBOGPoSOXCxPusmnDyWg

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

Reading this thread brings up something in me--an anger at the stigma that addiction carries. OP and Mr Root, I challenge anyone with a human heart to go through what you two have experienced and not have turned to anything that could even temporarily blunt the pain. Of course it is temporary, of course it brings more pain, of course it is not a sustainable answer but it made rational sense to you in a time of desperation and I wish that the stigma of that choice could be erased from society. I hope that the two of you realize how strong you are even though addiction may be trying to convince you otherwise. If you have not read the book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté, I think you would both find it helpful.

Thank you kindly, Herbavore for the sweet words ....and for taking the time to read. I'm sure that MrRoot can say the same but, yes, for me it was a temporary "cover up" that quickly spiraled way out of control. Both the drinking and the pill useage.

As for the drinking, I had no other way to escape the "pain". To be honest, I actually despised drinking. The pills were different. Again, began for "fun", then "needed" for chronic pain yet by that point it was much too late. I was so extremely out of control that the prescribed dose was a pure and utter "joke" to me and I literally made fun of it.

I'm not sure which is worse; a death you don't see coming or one you do but both were just too much for me to cope with.

The twist that this thread ended up taking (unintended) certainly belongs on The Dark Side forum, yet it still has to do with recovery. Body, mind and spirit.

Also, thank you very much for the recommended book as I love to read.

Again, thank you very much, Herbavore
With much love to you,
Bernadette

 

[Captain.Heroin]

One of my favorites is getting out to nature.

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

One of my favorites is getting out to nature.

I agree, so very much, how beautiful and soothing nature can be.

I have multitudes of trails around my area where it's just me and nature. Even when I was still able to hike large distances, I would ALWAYS, ALWAYS, find a small little serene area, removed my ear buds, took out the contents of my hiking bag, sat on it and then just sat, looked and listened. Just breathing and taking it all in whether it was spring, summer, fall and even winter. And truth be told, I could still do that....even if it's just for a half a mile instead of 10

Thank for your reply, Captain.
Much love to you

 

[Soso78]

Hey pink how's it going? You still clean? If yes then how you feeling?

 

[Notsoprettyinpink]

Hey pink how's it going? You still clean? If yes then how you feeling?

Hey Soho, I am but I feel completely lousy still and I'm not understanding why. I actually had the opportunity of obtaining a script for oxycodone last week but declined it. I can't say a part of me doesn't want to call and get it but I just don't want to face the hardcore wd's ever again.....

I'm eating extremely healthy, taking vitamins (plus my sh*t load of other prescribed meds....ones I never gave a chance to work), got a nerve block a few days ago, trying to do the things I once loved (also to occupy my mind) but it's been a month and I'm still getting the night sweats really bad and just overall feel miserable.

I can't say it's not worrying me because one call and I could easily get 90, 10's but I REALLY don't want that. I keep trying to remind myself how very sick I got when I ran out every, single month while getting my own script plus the extras from family plus the methadone from family.

I considered a psychiatrist again or even just a therapist but both would have to be out of pocket plus I don't feel I'd have anything to say to either that I couldn't say on here (plus get advise from people who REALLY know).

I wish I had a better update. The only good one is I'm still clean. I also thought this would all lead me to become less seclusive yet I'm feeling more seclusive then ever.

I thank you so very much for "checking in" on me and asking though. It means more to me then you could possibly know.

And I'm so much not "self centered" yet I feel that way. I never even asked you about "you". How long have you been clean and how has it all been going for you?

Again, thanks so much for asking.
Much love to you

 

[Soso78]

I been clean since 2013, jan 7 to be precise lol that was day I told methadone clinic I was done and quit.
You come too far now to score more pills, yea it would sort you out now but what about when they run out? Back to feeling shit.
Methadone WDs Is a bastard because of how long it takes, that's why I asked how you were because some people get disheartened after a couple weeks and still feeling shit but your through the worst of it and if you take it day by day then you got this.
Stay strong.