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Recovery Hey look who finnally showed up here!

T

tacodude

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 30, 2014
Messages
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Mister bloated head himself.... Or should I say bloated taco, but than y'all stoners would have the munchies. I guess this is my journal where I am making a serious attempt with a Dr I trust highly that sadly is at a very expensive cost my moms fronting.... Not nearly enough as how much I had to spend on getting them to stop fighting me on going these proper routes of treatments rather than just not wanting to know or be a part of because they don't agree it is right in their world view. So who knows what happens... I have one last dime bag of dope to shoot in two hours doing my best not to just say fuck it and get it over with to not think about it to develop the ability to say no just do it right don't just give up because it is too much effort on a strained body. I know many have wondered about me with my random long posts that like all of us are very unique and make this board such a wonderful place it is. This place would be nothing if it was just a person alone. So here I am trying to get into better communities and improve my life! Let's help make it happen so I can do the same for others.
 
Hey man good to see you back around. What mind of treatment are you going to be getting? I think having a last high is important to future sobriety. No one wants to end a run with a disappointing shot or even worse no shot at all.
 
I don't even give two fucks about the high. Opiate high is euphoric yes, but in the end it just puts you to sleep it is a true narcotic aka via latin roots sleep inducing drug. I just want to be able to get on my two feet every day, keep clean and healthy in all aspects of life, and get high on life again appreciating the beauty of it all even the tricky sides. Literally I don't brush my teeth or shower much these days because of the pain and really the teeth things been my whole life. I am lucky my teeth are still as good as they are.

Right now its about 7:33 and I am waiting till 10 where my last dose was 9:30, which thankfully after 12 mg of subs between 4:30 the day before and 7-8 in the morning spread out as 1mg doses about maybe one 4 as I was just desperate for the pain to go away as I didn't even have ANYTHING not bud, tylonal, not nothing. I didn't even have the strength to go get it myself so I called an ambulance only to be treated like I wanted a morphine shot vs non narcotic treatment as I literally couldn't take rolling in bed trying to avoid the pain so much that I would find myself forgetting to breathe.

I would tell them that too, but there is the misguided conception especially here that opiate wd's do not kill, which may be true as far as direct cause although the health complications that come up if not properly medically managed would be very likely to be harmful if not deadly even if just by dehydration. I even fucking threw up bile after walking back from the dope district with my two dimes, 3 gg xanax that the guy made it sound like they were home pressed telling me he didn't know what his boy did, but one bit of the pill makes him high as hell although who knows, and the 3 bucks of bud right? lol.

I did feel a bit more sociable after the xanax as if I was flowing out of myself easier and the walls that hold me back were turned into gates I just had to push through, which I did not only my posts last night, but by trying to be less of a hermit and someone who is not just a stranger and had some really interesting conversations last night with enlightenment going on with every side. So now I am waiting 2:15 at least if not another 12 on top of that to take my sub in the smallest amount possible as I assume it is still in my system and I can take it without PWD, but fuck risking that again I have no way to get shit to keep me well like I did where I had to sell my whole xbox one setup just to get what I needed especially when I was fucking scammed 50 dollars for 10 hydroxizine I was told kpin 5 (I should have realized that was the first red flag, but I was sick and tricked by a fucking slick talker I knew was bullshitting me yet was so desperate and in a rush that I just said fuck it....

I also hope this isn't considered price discussion, but just a documentation of how I got fucked royally and is in no way a guideline of what people should try to pay for shit on the street if they decide to do that, which will never work although sadly sometimes is the only option besides suffering excruciatingly alone without a single person to ask for help. I am probably about to smoke a little bud and watch touch, which is on netflix and is a fascinating shows about the essence of fractile nature in life and certain peoples ability to tune into them although it makes it look like autism is some amazing gift of sight, which it is yet also a curse trust me on this one.

Anyways I guess that is my check in for the morning. Nice to meet you cj as I don't recognize your name, but I am guessing you recognize me from my presence on the OD boards. Looking forward to coming here more than just to try and give advice so people do not carelessly kill themselves trying to get high and to actually get high on life and the interactions with all the great people here.
 
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Well I didn't precipitate withdrawal, but now remember why I hated subs. Without cannabis I am pretty much unable to bear the pain leftover. Certain withdrawal feelings still remain, but are getting better. I dosed 8 this morning and hope to drop the dose pretty quickly and attempt a rapid taper as I fear the bupe dependency withdrawals might be something I'd rather avoid even if I have to deal with some pain... Anyways I right now things are beyond shaky even though I have cannabis today. The issue is continuing to afford it, which on my own I can't right now and support for it is hard.
 
Yeah, buprenorphine withdrawal lasts forever. That's what I went through. 2 years, 4 months off it though :)
 
The withdrawals aren't like traditional full agonist withdrawal though. The acute buprenorphine withdrawal only really lasts for two weeks or so unless you don't do an effective taper, and anything past that can be handled relatively easily with the proper medication and psychoeducational supports.

If buprenoprhine isn't working out well for you OP, have you though about methadone? It has a bad rap, but IME it is a far more effective medication for treating withdrawal for those with long standing habits. Now, the clinic environment is the huge downside. That is what makes buprenorphine so much more appropriate for most people, not having to deal with the clinic.

Also, OP, would you mind breaking your longer posts into paragraphs in the future? It is much easier on the eyes and will help more folks give you higher quality feedback. Thank you and keep up the great work!

Early recovery sure is a bitch, but things get so, so much better once you're over the first hump (of course, there are other humps to get over later down the road, but we take each one at a time and each time they end up leading to an infinitely better place once you've surmounted them).
 
I do the best I can with my grammar I would think. Methadone caused me crazy mood swings like going from crying to angry just out of control and my heart feeling off after a short period on it about 3 weeks. To say the least methadone is not an alternative option.

No sleep again last night, but at least with some cannabis I was able to get through the night. Right now I'm hungry, which is a problem as I don't have food. Nothing much besides that for me to add.
 
toothpastedog said:
The withdrawals aren't like traditional full agonist withdrawal though. The acute buprenorphine withdrawal only really lasts for two weeks or so unless you don't do an effective taper, and anything past that can be handled relatively easily with the proper medication and psychoeducational supports.

If buprenoprhine isn't working out well for you OP, have you though about methadone? It has a bad rap, but IME it is a far more effective medication for treating withdrawal for those with long standing habits. Now, the clinic environment is the huge downside. That is what makes buprenorphine so much more appropriate for most people, not having to deal with the clinic.

Also, OP, would you mind breaking your longer posts into paragraphs in the future? It is much easier on the eyes and will help more folks give you higher quality feedback. Thank you and keep up the great work!

Early recovery sure is a bitch, but things get so, so much better once you're over the first hump (of course, there are other humps to get over later down the road, but we take each one at a time and each time they end up leading to an infinitely better place once you've surmounted them).
Click to expand...

If you don't do an effective taper the withdrawal is really nasty. An effective taper means going below a milligram even below 500 micrograms is preferred.


I jumped at 2mg with no taper after 4 years on subs and got my shit rocked mentally and physically. I was in rehab out of state so that added too the head fuck I don't like south florida. I remember it like a bad acid trip where I got the shit beat out of me every morning for a month. It was horrible. Granted they didn't give the correct comfort meds and it wasn't a well run rehab but still my point is if you stay on suboxone more then a year you need to slowly taper way down for a couple months.

All that being said suboxone saved my life and I don't regret getting on it at that time in my life.
 
I hear you.... I've been thinking a lot. Nothing yet I can really put into words. Hopefully I sleep tonight. It's been 2 nights without sleep so far. I think.

Been hitting up Netflix too. Sausage party was pretty good as well as Finding Dory wax another good one. Jungle Book... It was a Disney movie, but it could've been worse.
 
Sigh, yes. Right now I am giving the copy of the old testament I received from my half assed bar mitzva. I should have sooner it is quite a read... I probably wouldn't have been fooled by many slick talking tricksters. The more you know though right?
 
tacodude said:
Sigh, yes. Right now I am giving the copy of the old testament I received from my half assed bar mitzva. I should have sooner it is quite a read... I probably wouldn't have been fooled by many slick talking tricksters. The more you know though right?
Click to expand...

Unfortunately you don't know what you don't know. I've had my experience of getting fucked over more than I can count but everyone was one that wouldn't happen again
 
Learning through practice is generally more effective than learning through theory, at least when it comes to the way things actually work "IRL", but there is a lot of wisdom contained in books, the old testament included, that is hard to find in real world situations.

Gotta be pretty desperate to decide to sit down and give that a read though, huh tacodude? ;) I'm just joshing ya :) I've been in that same place with my great great grandfather's copy that I seem to have inherited. Can't say I made it very far thought. Perhaps some day (not super high on my list of priorities right now, reading the old testament LOL)...
 
You have no idea tooth paste dog... It hasn't taken me more than the 27th verse to be able to see how we have gone from a Strong, yet predatory to scholarly, yet only formidable to Glutinous and weak making the same mistakes of focusing on destruction or healing as the enemy or savoir when none can exist without the other. What if Pangaea was 1 and became 2 before we destroyed ourselves with our own greed by allowing a giant volcano to develop splitting open god as Zeus head was torn open raining a soft yet destructive force that only the soft healing forces of water wash away the fire from the earth so that the electricity holding the air together can come back and separate and filter the land from nation or land into sea to finally grow into life and death based upon the dominant nature of the earth between predatory (lizards of hell) or (bird like false gods) or even flying humans with wings yet more intelligence than a Velociraptor fiercest of the dinosaur kingdom because of their intelligence while t-rex rang king because of its gluttony and size. This time Pangaea became 1 to 2 yet with a flood became 3 and with another. Now we have 5 bodies of lands probably with one super volcano on two lands and one very deep one if not two within the Earth that will be the will of god or the devil himself in the form of magma or burning earth to wash away everything until something supposedly god, but a force filters through the burning magma to separate microscopic from macroscopic space that will compete with one another to develop the land and the other the deepest point of the sea like a giant yin yang to grow into the earth that builds an evil core burning away at itself trying to ascertain god.... Damn Full Metal Alchemist was a really good show, but especially the brotherhood series as it expresses exactly what I am thinking.

Looking at Hieronymus Bosch works were really eye opening specifically The Garden of Earthly Delights and the fact that as the picture ages and ages it reveals hidden truths* such as dangers in the Garden of Eden through society to the end of the world and hell. The sky land is the safest place always, but life seems to start from the bottom especially this go around of evolution if one looks at history with the perspective there has possibly been multiple attempts of evolution on earth wiped away by natural disaster recorded throughout the history of time again and again in a way that is misunderstood or only too late because of our primal feelings especially related to an unknown force more powerful than us vs. our intellectual nature to understand the balance of power and peace.Why has it seemed the move forward has always been to reach the land in the sky before the coming lake of fire.... Maybe it's misinterpretation or maybe the truth is we need to all come together as life on this Earth to build the crust of the Earth before it breaks pouring out the core of the earth to wash away the planet and all into one although in a way were peace and war coexists without conflict and confusion only patients and understanding. Basically a question it makes me think is how many times has evolution and the development of the planet Earth been given a go? How many times has a self aware creature like man? How many of them succumbed to excess destruction or creation vs self restraint? Has there ever been a time when life has succeeded to exist through a period of Earth's destruction? Shit maybe lightsaberers don't exists now, may never will, but already have existed in the past before the samurai age came trading in a non physical for physical weapon like a sword that utilizes the same build, but a completely different practice in causing a separation one taking no effort of the holder of the tool and one a useless tool without a holder to use it.

I dunno to say the least.... I do know I would like to return to school to study art & history with language & math to finish up with a study of earth preservation and the development of the body & mind and how it comes together to create spirit. Anyways I only took like a micro dose of sub today and still don't feel great, but do not want to continue taking the subs or opiates. I just need to build my own earth before I can clear an expanse to create a sky to where I can separate what I know of morals and truths where I can preserve life separate from death and create balance & understanding. To do that though would take a great work of art such as the last judgement to explain it all seems like an idea that came from very long ago to try to teach us our life history on how to build the Earth and the dangers that await on the road ahead... Maybe the Myan city or one of the many age old cities in the highest of peaks is the lost city of Atlantis and where it used to reside before the magma ate the earth draining the water below. Maybe the cap at the top of the earth is an ice cap holding in a bottle of magma waiting to explode. As we would preserve fine wine showing self restraint maybe should we do the same with Earths resources until they grow back while sharing reserves with those less fortunate rather than piling every last dime and nickle into a Mexico wall and instead preserve our Garden of Eden up in the super volcano of Yellowstone containing water and magma along with the all of life by doing the work to healing, strengthening, and fortifying our land below our feet before it blows up right in the middle of the one last nation after the rise and fall of nations. So like I said lots of interesting things I see on my path ahead, but also a lot of work up ahead and the obvious challenges that come speaking so devotedly about a topic with such controversy for the sake of truly more than any of us, but all of us. What a wish it is to be free right? Anyways I am going to keep resting up playing some board games and stuff. I just wish building strength to fortify did not take so long....

*=I came across Hieronymus Bosch due to an amazing documentary on netflix on research on these pieces as they developed a convention to display the pieces. The amount of work it must have taken to understand and produce with the tools the knew of must have taken a lifetime to learn before creating, which I think says a lot.
 
Well just an update I am feeling like in a wide empty space trying to reach out towards stability before falling towards feelings of disparity, dismal living and general weaker wellbeing.

Taking 1-4 mg every 12 hours about. It's like it puts me to sleep without letting me sleep there for not being well waking up.... I guess it is like electrify jumping and bouncing through the air trying to find a connection. I bet once I hit the other end I'll snap right through.
 
Hi mate!
I wish strength on your journey and hope you'll manage to get clean. You are a real warrior and I am looking forward to hear about your progression.

I am also looking forward to stop my ORT in a year or so I just want to see stories how sub tapering works.
 
I am not happy to bring bad news, but it's part of the recovery process. I relapsed today. I got what was supposed to be half and is a gram possibly. I also took 4-aco-dmt ≈20 mg about a half hour ago as it has felt like time for this for a while. I plan to meditate with classical music. I don't plan to continue using after this relapse, but I also don't plan not to. I was once told when you plan to do something you're making sure not to do it.

I also don't feel bad about the relapse or guilty. I do worry and concern I'll end up trying to do a low dose bupe early and later breaking through with dope, but I'm doing my best expressing it to my doctor that the physical pain might push me back to use where emotional that's why I used the 4-aco-dmt although I'd prefer opium to heroin as it's like comparing high grade wax to marinol.

So today's going to be an interesting day of reflection and redirection to make the perspective of having reason to get off opiates to project the future I desire out of my mind and upon reality to become a part of it.

The school thing is also definitely going to happen. This is the best time to go for economical and recently acquired open mindedness with the ability of perspective to focus on reality and what paths are available within reality and how likely a path is to be fantasy and reality combined
 
I'm also thinking of seeing the sun rise and redosing in the day for real deep reflection. Depends how the morning goes for me and how I feel. Sunrise is in a couple hours too I believe.
 
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