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heroin: the only thing

captainballs

captainballs

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 21, 2004
Messages
9,954
I must say, after seeing a fair-sized montage of different things that make up life, nothing has the potential for complete monopoly over the mind like heroin. It's not like a normal addiction, where you fight the withdrawal symptoms and fight to get clean - not at all. It is closer to true love, which can''t be fought. There's the ups (riding the wave of good fortune, however far and few between and fleeting it may be), the downs (waiting for your guy, being sick and poor and noticing that you've become worthless), and the sex (poking the needle around, trying to work it properly so that you climax).

The few times I have allowed myself to be intoxicated with a person in this same way, it was only through hurting myself that I was able to break off the commitment - as in permanently hurting myself by pretending that the intoxication wasn't as good as I thought during those moments. I never really believed this self-imposed reality; I still have to consciously choose it on a day to day basis. And I watch the same thing happening with me and heroin. I realize I've found something worth dying to live for. I sit here longer than a week clean, and I know this drill already: pretend that it wasn't good. Pretend that you've ever been comfortable in your body at any time. Pretend and lie.

I've seen this happen before. my uncle fought to keep the lie alive and ended up suffering just the same for it. Sent to withdraw in prison a long time ago, he was given years of sobriety. But heroin is not something you just toss aside. It's not a hobby you grow out of when given enough time to do something else. It remains. He left prison and resumed using heroin the same day. I've heard this story told about other people, too. So I sit here, my stomach cramped, my mind racing about being such a mess that I am unemployable sober or buzzing, wondering what the one thing could possibly be that will take the same focus heroin takes and divert it. Something worth living for?
 
I see the same dilemma. Opiates appear to differ from many other drugs in terms of the 'love' (no other word) they induce in the user. It's not a question of liking the drug because of what it does or doesn't do, or of liking it because you need it, but of loving it for itself, for what it is inherently.

I believe that a person who is seriously committed to sobriety can, if they work hard and long enough, induce a sort of amnesia respecting opiates. To be sure, this is not a reasonable thing. There is nothing reasonable about not thinking about opiates. It's a sort of 'leap of faith', or selective cognition, like religion. You can train yourself not to allow yourself to actively love opiates if you bear in mind how destructive they are.
 
Can you? It's like any relationship (okay, maybe an abusive relationship). But what relationship doesn't put a person through all kinds of emotional abuse eventually? There are people out there who, by all standards, probably have terrible relationships. But if you catch them during that 20 minutes, once a month, you'll see why they stay together the other 30 days, 23 hours, and 40 minutes.
 
you said: you know the drill already, pretend it wasnt good, pretend that youve ever been comfortable in your own body...pretend and lie..well, if thats your drill..you arent gonna get clean...fuck yeah i was in LOOOVE with oxy's even more than heroin..i just wanted to be alone with my oxy..i was in love with that stupid drug...and when i lost it it was the worst feeling ive ever felt..i would never try to explain that to someone who has never been an opiate addict..but it is LOVE..and its OK to admit and acknowledge all that...your going to grieve like you would for a lost lover....its fucking twisted but "pretending and lying" wont work, be honest, your gonna cry its gonna hurt, your losing a your lover...its gonna suck...i think alot of people want to get to the otherside without going through the fucking horror of being newly sober and you cant...you just have to do it...you said "what is the one thing to live for?" well your already looking for something wether it be a person, an ideal, a passion, an activity..that would be great if you found that..but that will come and should come later when your clear headed and your in touch with your humanity again....its really really really hard and really lonely and there is no crutch to get you through it..but damn think about how much effort it takes to be a herion addict...the pain, the sickness, the depression, the whole fucking thing..if you have the strength to BE and addict you have the strength to KICK it!!! Take it from me..being an addict was waaaaay more tiring then being sober!! all the best man...
 
Thanks man. It is tiring. It's the worst, having to watch all of the money go like that... losing everything and having to start from scratch again.
 
^^^ yeah it sucks but u have 2 options, 1 decision..your gonna continue down this path and end up prolly dead or worse than dead a lifetime junkie OR you suck it up, admit you fucked up and get through the self loathing part and start to do the work!!! dont dwell on the shit you fucked up...soooooo many people have done the same thing and theres ALWAYS someone who's done worse if that makes you feel any better, im jobless, living in moms attic, divorcing and back in my hometown..sounds great huh?? IT IS!!! Im alive! i feel again i smile again i have hope again and i DONT WANNA DIE!
 
I don't mean to put a light spin on it, but I've thought about suicide so much that it's past the point of consideration and onto weighing the actual odds of choosing different modes of life and death. I don't honestly know what would be worse: flying up and down for the remainder of my life and feigning a good attitude to get me through the humiliation, or just burn all the way down real fast and die. I tried a few years ago but I woke up 2 days later in the same spot, massively sick

Dude, there has got to be a way to kick these suicidal thoughts. I can't make rational decisions when I know that the other side of me will just commit suicide, can I? And if I'm stuck just thinking about it all the time and not doing it, then I am already dead. the thoughts and life can't coincide.
 
hahaha your a split personality poster! bluelight gangsta...suicidal junkie right on the edge and internet pussy slayer..and resume nazi..love it..its bananas..so anyway..lie on resume and dont fuckin kill yourself dude come ON man! ..anyway..you need to work hard to be sober and you cant "test drive" it or try it out or get there with short cuts..just suck it up ..you can "fuck the pain away" like peaches says..stop bangin dope and you will WANT to live again TRust me captain grundle! if i can do it so can you!
 
no...i told you i was like IM done..they TRY to do that to you and its BS you arent sober if your on sub/dons the rest of your days..your still in an opiate haze man..lemme tell you its depressing as fuck, you are gonna cry and be totally depressed your brain isnt making happy chemicals anymore..but it will...listen to this l.l. bean type shit i do..sober..kayaking, swiming hiking, i ride horses (thats kinda my job) i go for fucking walks.just because i feel like it..i fucking gardern and shit..its wild! and im NOT HIGH..well right now im drunk and sleep deprived but NO opiates AT ALL since the beginning of the year..holla at ya girl...
 
well, that's impressive. i don't have motivation to do shit until i get some money, and i suppose i should reverse that attitude.
 
dude listen to yourself " i dont have motivation to do shit til i get some money" are you kidding me..what are you gonna spend the money on? out patient therapy and new running sneakers..if you are an addict you know what your spending it on..so try to take the first step..whatever that may be for you..plus if you dont get CLEAN you will NEVER have money
 
well, i need some money pretty soon or i am going to be out on my ass. I've already gone from driving a nice car to having to borrow a piece of junkyard scrap to get around in until my brother gets back. It's bad. I tried to hold down a waiter job after having been pushed out of my last menial job for letting the drugs take over (how could I not, lol, while doing such ridiculous bullshit all day). Goddamn, everything was going sort of okay... SORT OF... before I started doing heroin seriously a few months ago. Car payment, savings, apartment... now I don't have SHIT!
 
I've been doing large amounts of prescription pain killers for many years daily. I only started shooting dope recently, and it is just an incredibly better value. What sucks, however, is that when I can't get any I go into the hole financially because my most recent job and my current financial situation are a disaster and pills are so expensive. Also, with tolerance shooting up because of dope, it takes more pills. I would say that I'm physically addicted for sure. I've lost almost 7 pounds in the last 3 days since I lost my job, due to not being able to buy ANY drugs at all.
 
i totally understand but i feel like your logic is backwards..at least you still have a financial "situation" to deal with..if you dont get clean you wont be dealing with ANY situation..if your addicted your not going to be able to work productively and save money..you know that...i did the same thing i guess trying to delay the beginning of getting myself out of that mess...i tried to save money so i could take time off and go to get help..blah blah..but the reality is if your an addict...(well I THINK i can speak for most addicts) the rest of your life wont work...saving money, holding a job, being normal all those things..those cant fall into place until your not an addict...do you see where im coming from? im not trying to disagree with u but you have been talking about getting yourself set financially and job wise as your number one concern..but that wont happen if your not clean...but i guess you have to really want it
 
everyone is different; for me as with my old junk habit, past bad relationships inspire a sort or revulsion & spite..... even the mere thought of the things which caused so much pain and emptiness in the past, sets in me an even greater urge to stay as far away from them as possible in the future.
so when I did kick junk solid, it was because withdrawal became the ultimate aversion-therapy..... like a great fuckin rubberband-snap on the soul.
situations may suck balls, or they can just as easily be beautiful. life is part being able to make choices, and change shit that sucks balls into something that rocks. but nothing changes when a heroin habit precludes choice, and life ain't yours to live until the time you have is your own..... not the time metered out by your supply of junk.

addiction is an adversary, not an anchor. you gotta get mean and fight that bitch..... can't just cut it loose and drift off... and we all know what that leads to.
 
i'm detecting so much shame in your posts. for me it was hard to get anywhere with sobriety before i was able to at least begin to forgive myself for what i had done. just like so many addicts i spent so much time beating myself down over losing my job, girlfriend, home, car, and freedom that it left little time for me to make any real advances. and if i wasn't getting down on myself i was engrossed in self pity.

personally what helped me was speaking with other recovering addicts who could relate to the emotions i was feeling in an attempt to make some sense of it all. i needed to understand why i felt a certain way about my past. just being able to make some kind of sense of it all made life much more manageable.

after about a month of sobriety i also started seeing a counselor. i was much more hesitant to speak with someone who had never experienced addiction first hand thinking that they simply couldn't relate, and to a degree i still find this to be true, but i immediately saw the benefits of simply being able to speak with someone and have that person guide me through my emotions.

i completely understand the romantic view of opiates as i think any opiate addict can and i don't think simply abstaining from using will ever remove that feeling. "fake it til you make it" will certainly only get you so far. it may be necessary when you initially begin trying to get clean but in the long term actions have to be taken. i have only been clean for just under three months but the changes in my attitude even within the last month are astronomical. it wasn't that long ago that i would curse opiates and be willing to give my right arm for them at the same time. the constant dreams of getting high. simply never being able to keep them out of my thoughts. that was the absolute worst part of withdrawal for me because there was no escaping my brain. but with continued therapeutic action and being as patient as possible with the slow return to normalcy i don't often even think about opiates in a negative or positive light.
 
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