Your advice is good Carl, but I have no money. Plus the paws/depression leave me so unmovtiated and I don't really see the point in doing things.
I hate how undisciplined I am. I tell my self I'm not going to use but it's so hard. When I quit suboxone, I didn't give my body time to heal itself. I started chipping almost immediately. Now every time I use for more then 1 day I'm in mild withdrawals for the next 2-3 days. After that I feel better and more motivated but then my dumb ass, goes and gets high again.
Maybe I should look at the bright side of things. At least I'm not shooting dirty, tar heroin, into my veins everyday. I feel like I should be happy about how far I have come. I'm not really that much happier then when I was using everyday.
They say time heals everything, but I'm so inpatient. I want to feel better now. I already wasted so many years of my life to this drug. It sucks you finally kick opiates and you still feel shitty.
Anyways, thanks for your advice, peace
Sorry I can't offer better advice. I'm sort of in a similar boat as you. I've been using daily for a while, but I keep tapering close to getting off suboxone and then I end up using. It's a very tought cycle to break.
I also know that feeling of ids-interest all too well, a terrible feeling it is too. I always feel like such a waste at those points as I know there are things I want to do in this life and I always think about how much time I've lost since 2005 because of opiates.
I was doing really good, then I just slipped up over the last week. I somehow got all these oxy connects without even trying and my good friend/running buddy has been getting into pills a lot more. IDK, one week things are good, the next their crumbling down.
I really need to start seeing a counselor or therapist or whatever. I've called this place my sub doctor recommended at least 6 different days and left a message on at least 5 of those 6 days. I've never gotten a call back, so I guess they don't want me as a patient. It's frustrating though.
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I definitely have serious issues with my dad and my stepdad. My dad I never really see or talk to and that's mainly the issue since he seemed like a good dad to my half brother, half sisters, and step brother.
I've worked at my stepdads business for 11 years now, since I was 13! I thought I was helping the family out and doing good, since I am very focused at work and good at the things I do. However, he is a complete perfectionist, and I'm held to a higher standard than most of the other employees. If I try my very best and do an awesome job, my reward is not getting reprimanded. He never compliments anyone on a good job, only points out flaws, no matter how small. If I make a mistake, I usually get a speech about how that is going to fuck up this other stuff or how none of the employees there care about anything or he makes some kind of demeaning remark.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
My step sister worked at the business a few years, nothing like the amount I have (and currently am doing). She was recently diagnosed with mild degenerative disc disease and was all freaked out (though it didn't look too bad after looking it up). Anyways my step dad called up mad doctors and was trying to set up all these appointments for her and doing all this stuff. I've been struggling with heroin and opiates for years now. He first found just over 4 years ago when I was in the hospital because my breathing was so bad (my lungs get congested form dope) and I had to tell my parents because I was going to be going through WDs soon enough since I had to spend the night in the hospital. I just got arrested for having 4 pills of oxy on me a few weeks ago. FOUR YEARS that he's known about this problem and it's been a struggle for me. He always gives me the same speech whenever the topic comes up and always tells me he'll 'do whatever it takes to get me to stop', but I've never seen him jump through any hoops like he did for my step sister.
Sorry for that tangent, it may not seem related, but it is very much related to my current drug problems. That shit really stings sometimes and tears me up inside. I just feel like my real dad doesn't want me or I'm just a reminder of a troubled past and failed marriage. I imagine he loves his other kids a lot more than me.
Then there's my stepdad. I'll never be good enough for him. He is completely anti-drug and doesn't know anything about them (nothing at all, really). He's never smoked weed or used an illegal drug in his life. He looks at me like I'm a dirty criminal junky. It doesn't matter how good of a job I do at his business, it's never good enough. Now with getting arrested, I'm almost certain he doesn't love me. He loves my mom and my mom loves me, so he's sort of forced to 'love me'. I'm not saying he doesn't care, but he looks and talk to me like I'm a burden on the family.
I don't get it though. My dad doesn't want me, my step dad doesn't want me. I just don't know what I did where no one wants as a son.
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I quit poppy tea after 2 years of nearly daily use. I've been clean for 23 days save a little suboxone and a quick taper starting with 10 loperamide pills. I'm down to 3 per day but I still don't feel normal. I mean the worst of the withdrawals were over after about 10 days but then there's just this empty feeling left... that feeling has been getting better but it's a slow process.
I'm over poppy tea for a long time. I was so tired of waking up sick every day and making sure that I had a constant supply/plan if I ran low. Life is better not addicted.
Awesome job man, keep it up!
The only thing I've noticed that gets rid of that empty feeling (aside from drugs) is exercising, more specially running.
) - its a 2 gram 'sherman' brand naltrexone implant. its kinda looks like a cigarette filter only its green and a little wider. its places just inside your hip bone, you get a little swelling and a lump for a few weeks but once its settles its hardly anything , like a 1 cm scar. i find the first few time i get drunk after i get it i usually puke my fucking guts up which is unusual for me as im never sick drinking. also dehydration is quite bad for a few days after i find. ' They' you know the medical folks who make this shit up are actually testing naltrexone on alcoholics although i've struggled to find out much about this. i have another implant on friday so i'll when im there and find out for you pal. i should actually be moving on oral naltrexone but the doc and shrink and myself reckon 9 months on implant would be wise due to my heroin history, they reckon cause i started it so young my compulsion to it is very powerful which i agree with so i might even get a 4th one who knows , at £1200 each not cheap though , cant get that shit on NHS in UK. its all methadone and if your lucky subs. in my opinion if u really wanna be clean fuck maintenence just get it out you and change your life as best you can, delete those numbers , dont go them places , dont speak to people you know who do it. getting clean can mean losing friends and its not easy but its worth it. also the implant almost totally gets rid of the cravings like 95%.
