Heroin/Opioid Thread - Serious Discussion Only

[Hendrix Haze15]

You love it more than anything but you hate it more than anything. You want nothing to do with the lifestyle but at the same time you don't know how else to live. As much as you want to stay clean, you can't stand the idea and thought of it. You try not to think about it, but you find yourself constantly coming on bluelight to read and talk about it. As much as the hustle and chaos of the dope lifestyle took everything from you, without it life seems meaningless.

The fucking story of my life and heroin. Sometimes I wish I would catch a stray bullet while in the hood copping just to end this miserable cycle.

 

[theartofwar]

^ as much as I hate to say it , I totally agree. I know what this life feels like, there isn't much fear of death after being a total junkface for as long as you can remember. I guess that's why I appreciate sites like this, and people that still give 2 for me.

 

[indelibleface]

Ugh. I'm tossing and turning in my room with the windows shut and the AC on.

I don't want to go through this alone.

 

[theartofwar]

shit sucks - do you have anyone who will come by and just be with you ?? I couldn't believe how few friends I had when I got clean, I guess another reason I end up slipping. It really helps to have a person who if nothing else can empathize - I hope you hold in there.

 

[cosmic charlie]

Try and stay strong

I'm on my 17th day with out heroin now and Im finally stating to feel somewhat normal. But my stomach still kinda weird and Im sorta depressed. I'll be alright though , it's nice to wake up and not have to stick yourself with a needle. I'm getting so fucking tired of being a junkie , Ive wasted so much time just nodding off. It's starting to get really old.

 

[Hendrix Haze15]

shit sucks - do you have anyone who will come by and just be with you ?? I couldn't believe how few friends I had when I got clean, I guess another reason I end up slipping. It really helps to have a person who if nothing else can empathize - I hope you hold in there.

That is one of the main reasons I keep going back to it. I don't have a lot of friends who aren't junkies or hard drug users. And its really hard to go out and meet people and try and explain your past when you were a take no shit cut throat dope fiend for so long. The loneliness and redundancy of life would make anyone go crazy. Its like everyone already has their little group of friends they have known for years and can depend on. For me its like starting all over again. I'm pretty sure if I were to die today, the only people at my funeral would be my mom, dad and brothers. Isn't that sad? Oh well, just fix up another shot and get high and try and forgot everything. Thats all I can do.

 

[theartofwar]

That is one of the main reasons I keep going back to it. I don't have a lot of friends who aren't junkies or hard drug users. And its really hard to go out and meet people and try and explain your past when you were a take no shit cut throat dope fiend for so long. The loneliness and redundancy of life would make anyone go crazy. Its like everyone already has their little group of friends they have known for years and can depend on. For me its like starting all over again. I'm pretty sure if I were to die today, the only people at my funeral would be my mom, dad and brothers. Isn't that sad? Oh well, just fix up another shot and get high and try and forgot everything. Thats all I can do.

bro I feel like I am hearing my mirror speak, I really feel for you man, I can legit say I'm in the same boat. I'm lucky I even still have my parents and bro and his wife giving a shit about me. It's part of being this way, I'm just outta the shadows and open about it now, and even that causes nothing but more drama..

 

[shoolameet]

Just did this same exact thing a few days ago, and this post describes it to a T. How many mg you at a day?
Paycheck comes tomorrow... come on come on come on....

It's creeping up to about an average of 60mg/day. I use 30 when I first wake up and about another 10mg two to four times throughout the day.
And I feel you, I can't wait for my supplier to re-up this week... come on... come on come on... lol

Do you have any intention of quitting? I really want to... or at least not use everyday, but picturing one day without it scares the shit out of me.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

You really can't do this drug just once...

I've been using almost daily since I relapsed about three weeks ago. I've only been getting super high a couple times a week, just getting a little bit noddy every night when I come back from work. I told myself I am not going to use again once what I have right now is gone... I don't want to go back to being a fucking junkie again... but its so fucking hard to break it once a cycle or routine starts.

 

[Swerlz]

You really can't do this drug just once...

I've been using almost daily since I relapsed about three weeks ago. I've only been getting super high a couple times a week, just getting a little bit noddy every night when I come back from work. I told myself I am not going to use again once what I have right now is gone... I don't want to go back to being a fucking junkie again... but its so fucking hard to break it once a cycle or routine starts.

I know exactly how you feel.. Once that vicious cycle starts up again, its hard to put it down again. A sick thing an addicts mind is.

 

[theartofwar]

I know exactly how you feel.. Once that vicious cycle starts up again, its hard to put it down again. A sick thing an addicts mind is.

always planning on the next score, always thinking ofwhat you gotta do , addicts mind is just in overdrive constantly, it blows. Only one way to seemingly get that relief and that's a short release. Which of course brings us right back to our problem.

 

[jigsawpuzzlepiece]

Its so dangerous to use once if you have a history of addiction. Seriously before you know whats going on 2 weeks will have passed and your bank account will be empty and half your shit might be at a pawn shop. Its happened to me before and countless others before.

It sucks, it really does, but if you are planning on using and you just know in the back of your mind that its going to happen, buy as little as possible and try and cut the source off with whatever method you feel will work best. One day becomes 2 days becomes 2 weeks becomes 2 months.

I got clean for 8 days early in my addiction and I knew that if I used once I could easily fall back into that pattern, did it anyway, and spent another 1.5yrs on. And it never gets better, it only gets worse as time goes by and tolerance goes up Sorry to hear about you mia wallace you were doing good for so long I remember reading your posts way back when I was trying to cold turkey detox like an idiot failing time after time again and being too stubborn to get the help I really needed.

 

[Miss Hollywood]

I relapsed twice lately.

The first time Thursday as a birthday gift to myself.Then a few days later I tried black tar for the first time although I didn't get much out of it because I had another junkie friend hook me up with the connect and he did most of it and only gave me like 10 units because he "didn't want me to fall out cuz the shit was really strong". Whatever.I didn't get much from the little bit at all and I was pissed cuz I put $27 on it(my birthday money)and he only threw $6 on it. So I was pissed to say the least.

I've been lookin for a job all year and can't find one. It's frustating. My mother got laid off a month and a half ago so now she's home all the time and is up my ass every 2 fuckin seconds.Trying to get me to wake up at 10 am every day...not for any reason in particular...JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTS ME UP!

*pulls hair out...grits teeth*

Yeah....

I'm about two seconds away from standing on a corner to get some money and going to score a gram of tar.

I just can't take it anymore.

I've been trying to put my life together for almost a year now but to no avail.The only thing I have accomplished is getting off heroin thanks to suboxone,but my script is about to run out soon so who knows whats gonna happen then.

Doing the "right thing" hasn't really gotten me anywhere.

I have less now than when I did when I was using.

No apartment.

No car.

No money.

No friends.

Oh,and now no drugs.

And a mother who treats me like I'm 12 years old.

I would screw a room of one eyed pirates right now for a few grams of dope at this point!LOL!

FML.

 

[cire113]

Dam all of you guys are my brothers and sisters...

I can relate to so much it makes me want to cry
glad im not the only one feeling this way


Ive recently relapsed badly on Oxycodone....

I would like to quit but i have a shit load left..... Fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit...

hahaha i told myself i would only use on weekends and take suboxone during the week what a joke...

Ill keep lying to myself

 

[Carl Landrover]

First time on in a while, cool to see this thread going (though hopefully with some positive posts).

Sorry to read about the struggles and relapses though. I've had a lot of strong cravings lately and it's taking all of my will not to go out and relapse.

It's been over 6 weeks since I last used and only 2 days out of the last 17 weeks. I'm on suboxone every day, but it's hard.


Like others have said, part of it is just missing the lifestyle. I miss relaxing after work. I miss getting excited on the way there, then getting high, and listening to the radio on the drive back home, but really enjoying it. I miss starting a movie and waking up at the end.

I want to get off of suboxone, but I don't know if it would be a good idea. I'm tired of opiates in general, but I still usually want heroin. It wouldn't make me feel better to do it though, just guilty and weak. I feel like I'm stuck in a place where neither being clean nor getting high would bring me happiness.

 

[Z Y G G Y]

I didn't use for 8 months then recently have been using occasionally. My mom gave me some extra $$ during a party on Sat as she becomes overly nice when she's drunk and my first thoughts were to drive out to the West side and get some. Will I? I've used twice in the last 3 weeks, all injection now....even thou I never did that during my active addiction. My SO is so against me injecting, but used to be addicted too so breaks in to the occasional use but I don't see a reason now not to inject. It's like once u start injecting, snorting becomes so much less interesting, it's a totally different high for me. Wish I never started it a few months ago. I have done it about 10 times since then and will do it every time I have dope now. I need to hide my syringes cuz my SO breaks them, so I just go to the pharmacy to get new ones. I got good veins still so the insulin onces are alright and cheap, a few bucks for 10. There is no way I will not inject, I now see it as a waste of the drug to just snort it, which is sad in a way cuz I used to enjoy it just fine w/o injecting.

 

[Miss Hollywood]

First time on in a while, cool to see this thread going (though hopefully with some positive posts).

Sorry to read about the struggles and relapses though. I've had a lot of strong cravings lately and it's taking all of my will not to go out and relapse.

It's been over 6 weeks since I last used and only 2 days out of the last 17 weeks. I'm on suboxone every day, but it's hard.


Like others have said, part of it is just missing the lifestyle. I miss relaxing after work. I miss getting excited on the way there, then getting high, and listening to the radio on the drive back home, but really enjoying it. I miss starting a movie and waking up at the end.

I want to get off of suboxone, but I don't know if it would be a good idea. I'm tired of opiates in general, but I still usually want heroin. It wouldn't make me feel better to do it though, just guilty and weak. I feel like I'm stuck in a place where neither being clean nor getting high would bring me happiness.

Amen brother! I'm still on suboxone and thats only because when I was going to my sub doctor, any that I had left over I saved up.So when I run out of those, I'm pretty fucked. I already know that once I run out of those I'm most likely going to go back to using heroin on a near constant basis. I just can't control myself. I'm on suboxone now and I still use occasionally, so I know once I'm off the sub I'm pretty fucked.

I feel the same way as far as being sick of it all. Not being happy sober or high. I just feel like no matter what I do I'm unhappy. It's a vicious cycle.

ZYGGY-Sorry to hear about your relapse and that you've graduated to shooting up now. I never started off sniffing, I went straight to the needle so I know what you mean about doing it any other way now seems pointless. I remember when I got clean for a few weeks last year and my mother forced me to throw away my syringes. When I went to buy 2 bags off the dope man and had no points I sniffed one bag and it did nothing for me. So I drove an hour away to a diabetic friend just so I could get a needle to do the other bag. I won't even do dope if I can't shoot it.

Try to stop while your ahead babe. It doesn't get any better from here,believe me. I just wish I never started in the first place.

 

[Opiate 420]

so I got about a week clean off oxy, but I've switched to sub, usually just snorting tiny lines and bumps here and there, usually feel pretty shitty, i need to stop takin sub or else Ill just be dependent on that and I want to be dependency free right now. But I know as soon as I get a couple days clean off all opiates that Ill know that I can get high and Ill just go get some pills. and my girlfriend just moved out for a while so I could be doing drugs everyday behind her back, but I don't want to, I just want to be normal and use occasionally and be like all the other people, but I can't. The high just always sounds so fucking good. Its like the very short lived high is actually worth all this pain and suffering, is it? I dont know, I wish weed would just suffice, oooh i wish. It always used to do the trick, but now I just smoke weed and think how much better the high would be if accompanied by pills. I wanna quit smoking too. I just want to be sober for a while, but im worried, how will I eat? how will I sleep? how will I cope? how will i...


Life goes on...

 

[QuasiStoned]

Last night I had a fleeting moment of clarity. I have drank poppy tea probably hundreds of times over the past year and have only gotten thrown up/gotten sick maybe 5 - 10 times (hard to remember exactly). Last night I must've ingested some mold or something because I gobbled down 3 hot dogs and it just sat in my stomach for like 3 hours. I started to feel weird, like I wasn't really enjoying the high from the poppy tea at all. Then I suddenly puked.

After I threw up I felt a bit better, but I wasn't high at all (just not sick I guess). I smoked some weed and went paced around outside for a bit while I had a cigarette. I looked up into the sky and noticed that the sky was really clear and I could see the stars very well. Then I made an interesting observation.

I realized that staring up into the sky and looking at those stars really didn't invoke any response in me. I had a powerful memory of the way studying constellations made me feel in high school - studying the night sky was exciting, fascinating, and intersting. I loved to think about far off those stars were and how tiny the earth (and myself) are in comparison to the universe.

Now, I realized without much surprise that there was no longer any sort of intellectual or emotional response from me when I looked at something that just 3 or 4 years ago would have affected me so much more strongly. I dunno if I'm just getting older and less interested in my surroundings or if it is my chronic poppy tea abuse but I have a hunch that it's the poppies. It occurred to me last night (and not for the first time) that my life would likely be much more rewarding and worthwhile if I would give up the opiates. I even told myself that I would try to give up the drugs for a while.

The problem seems to be that once I went down the road of abuse I opened up a literal Pandora's box of trouble. I will NEVER forget the calm, the bliss, the motivation, the feeling that yeah, life sucks, but it doesn't have to be so bad, you can feel good too. I can get through the withdrawals with a lot of effort but once it has all blown over and the PAWs begin, I absolutely CANNOT resist running back to my crutch.

To complicate matters, I started using opiates for physical pain. I am only 21 but I have chronic pain that I constantly treat with poppy pods. I have come a long way and learned ways to reduce my pain enough that I think I could still live a productive life without opiates but it is just one more excuse to use.

It's been over a year now and I am getting sick and tired of the withdrawals, just tired of being dependent on something. I love the opiate high so much that I fight a constant battle to take time off JUST so that I can get higher in the future. I withdrawal frequently to keep the experience fresh because I love the high that much. Binge and withdrawal, binge and withdrawal. It's maddening, and yet I choose for some reason day after day to resign myself to this fate.

 

[jigsawpuzzlepiece]

Switching to the needle was the biggest mistake I ever made, but it also served as a catalyst to help me realize I needed to get clean and I needed to get some real help and change my environment.

Unfortunately, although I was on the needle for 2 weeks at the most, it has over-shadowed all my other memories and dominated my cravings. I've even toyed with the idea of getting other substances to IV like coke, etc. just so I can feel that rush again but I know what will happen if I start down that road.

I used to enjoy the high, but eventually my tolerance got to the point where snorting was just too expensive. Then I realized it was all about the rush and I didn't even care about the high that followed, if it even did, my tolerance got even higher in a matter of days. I quickly spent all my money and overdrafted my account as far as I could, never been that reckless with money in my whole life. There is just something about that damn needle