Heroin/Opioid Thread - Serious Discussion Only

[GlassAss420]

Also from the 1st page

"Yeah your probally right about the relationship thing, but it does help elevate your mood when your getting laid on a regular basis. I haven't had sex in months...and hell when I did have sex, it wasn't with anybody I wanted to have sex with, they were just my clients.

I haven't had sex with somebody I've wanted to be with or even cared about in a few years. It's really lonley. It makes me feel like there is nobody out there for me.

Which is one of the reasons I started doin heroin in the first place.

I've had a dysfunctional and fucked up relationship with a guy for almost 4 years. He's bi-sexual and is a complete fucking headcase, all we would do is get drunk and do drugs and fist fight and argue all night. He only slept with me like twice a year, he used it as his power over me. He later decided he was gay and wanted guys...so you can only imagine the pain,hurt and denial I went through with that...

Thats when I met Miss. Heroin.

She cured all my pain,self loathing,hatred,and heartbreak.

He wasn't important anymore.

No no...not at all.

Cuz I had this new girlfriend...this "habit" to maintain.

*ring ring ring*

Hello? What the hell do you want Matthew?

(enter obnoxious bullshit here)

"Yeah, well thats a cute story, you should tell it at parties! I don't give a fuck, Like TRUELY. The only thing that matters to me now is dope. See ya."

Click.

And for the first time i really DIDN't GIVE A FUCK.

And it felt good.

Heroin wasn't just an addiction...it was a relationship replacement.

Fucked up eh? "

I can relate to everything you said there, except I'm a guy and like girls. I didn't expressly start out doing dope cause I was lonely looking back, but looking back it didn't help I was alone at the time..

And I stoped giving a fuck about being heartbroken and lonely all the time when i was one dope, like completly forgot about girls, could give a shit about them, even if i wasn';t high buy just sick, getting money to get high, on the way to cop, whatever, I was so consumed with doing heroin I did not give a fuck about anything.. its why I started again after a few weeks clean, also a girl I liked blew me off and wouldn't even be freinds anymore so I figured fuck it.




So misshollywood? umm age/sex/location? we have so much in common.. 26/m/chicago here.. ~

 

[Cold Saint]

Hey all first time post long time lurker.

Been 36 hours since my last hit been using for about a year..
I wish I could say I decided to quit but the truth is I ran out of money and have no options. I know I should quit. I get paid on friday night which will be the end of day 3, which from experience is HELL. I don't know how to be strong once I've got some dosh..

Its easy enough (if easy equals no sleep then having to go to work withdrawing from H). As right now I have no choice.. but once I get paid it will be too easy to take the pain away.

Anyone know some good techniques for coping at work when withdrawing.. I'm gonna lose my job at this rate it's pretty obvious somethings up and I don't have the option of sick leave or time off.. I keep using a lot of the time so I can put in a good appearance at work..

How do I not buy anymore... the physical stuff I can deal with more or less I've actually been through worse in my life and been through withdrawal a few times now coz I'm pretty silly. It's the mental shite that gets me everytime.

**edit - this is all cold turkey. Can't go to a clinic as they are all open during work hours + not sure I want to substitute neway

 

[Carl Landrover]

^ well it seems that you got a wake up call as to what is really important in your life. And you are at least trying and she will see that. I hope you can stay on track for the sake of your relationship.

The other day I kinda realized how fast I go through my pills. They are gone in like two weeks because I spend EVERY day high until I run out and then I'm fucked because I'll be in SO much pain and have no meds. Buying them online is too expensive and PPT just has way too many side effects unless I feel that I am dying. I don't really FEEL like its out of control or I'm dependent on it in anyway, but as much as I do I wonder...

I hope it's a wakeup call! It does feel good to have her know, since it was the only secret I was keeping from her and I really wanted to tell her. Plus this really does help explain my behavior over the last several months.

We talked a bit tonight and she doesn't even seem phased by it? I thought at least she'd have to think about things or be less interested or something. Actually, I'm quite puzzled about the whole thing.

Fortunately I'll be seeing her tomorrow. So I'm hoping to talk things out a bit. Now that she knows, I feel I have a lot more to say.

Out of curiousity does your BF (Sean? I think I keep confusing BLers lately, so maybe that's not him) know you use?

 

[qwe]

Thanks man. You know how it is. I mean hell, depending on what happens tomorrow at court my plans for friday might be ruined depending on "when i have to report to my first probation meeting"and piss in a cup like i'm a 12 year old.

i see drugs like this...if I want to fuck up my body and my life thats my choice. hell i didnt rob anybody or hurt anybody to get my fix. i sold my own fuckin body....i hurt MYSELF. and i have a right to do that if i want to.i got busted prostituting(it was a sting...and they went WAY TOO FAR in their effort to get me. They should have came into the room as soon as the decoy handed me money but instead they busted the door down when WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING SHIT. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Ok, I did what I did and I got in trouble for it. BUT, they let the situation go WAY TO FAR. They took advantage of the situation and literally FUCKED me. In more ways than one.)Thats what I'm going to court for tomorrow.I had rigs and spoons on me too. So I was charged with prostitution and posession of a hypodermic needle. I hadn't scored my dope yet and THANK GOD because then I would have had a dope charge and I would have been in a lot more trouble. But it also sucked because I was already really dope sick when i got to the hotel, had to mess around with that NASTY SMELLY COP(they could have used a better decoy)and then go to jail and through all that shit while getting more dope sick.

i know i sound irrational and insane today. i'm just having one of those days.

holy shit. i am sorry

if this were a just world, you should be able to sue the FUCK out of them. was it a cop that fucked you? if so that is a huge abuse of their power, that is just insane, i think you may be able to, with a good lawyer, (i am no lawyer so don't get your hopes up) get off these charges

---

cops should not be fucking women and then arresting the women for having been fucked by them!

especially since they are dirty cops!

 

[Carl Landrover]

We talked a bit tonight and she doesn't even seem phased by it? I thought at least she'd have to think about things or be less interested or something. Actually, I'm quite puzzled about the whole thing.

Fortunately I'll be seeing her tomorrow. So I'm hoping to talk things out a bit. Now that she knows, I feel I have a lot more to say.

Probably my last post on the matter for now, but I talked to her today.

I figured she'd be mad or upset or feel betrayed or something. More than anything she seemed scared (of me relapsing/losing me) and she pitied me. Me!

Here I am, lying and using behind her back, betraying her, being a shitty BF and she pities me?!?

I don't know...I can't fuck this up. If I don't straighten up, I'm going to rob her of that inner innocence/happiness she has.



Most fucked up thing about right now, is that after talking with her about it, alls I want to do is shoot up for that ONE LAST TIME. Dope boy just texted me yesterday about a new connect, in a new city, with cheap bags, and he has rigs!



Edited in:

I got some cash for selling some textbooks back (over $100). I gave it to her to hold onto. I told her I'd give her half of my paychecks to hold onto.

Anyone have any thoughts on this? Good idea/bad idea?

I trust her and everything, but it makes me feel slightly awkward. At least she'll hold onto it, since the money I'll be giving her is pretty much what I would otherwise spend on drugs.

 

[eon_blue]

Most fucked up thing about right now, is that after talking with her about it, alls I want to do is shoot up for that ONE LAST TIME. Dope boy just texted me yesterday about a new connect, in a new city, with cheap bags, and he has rigs!

For the love of god, don't do it man!!

I commend you on being honest with your girlfriend, that seriously took some courage to do what you did. You are very fortunate she is there for you, she sounds like a great person But I can tell you from experience, once you get that second chance you have to hold on to it, because I can all but guarantee you that if the same confrontation goes down again, she won't be so understanding.

Instead of calling your dope boy, call your girl. Tell her whats going on and how, in this moment, you're struggling. Let her be there for you, because when it's all said and done, she will be there for you. The dope won't. I can guarantee you that.

 

[qwe]

my girlfriend has been so supportive as i went through withdrawals i cry!

hang in there carl. i never injected, you are way over me here, i can't imagine what craving i'd be feeling if ive experienced opiates to that degree. opiates just became too perfect for me.

it's great that you have an understanding girlfriend to help you through whatever happens. whether it be a family member or girlfriend or good friend or whatever, this sorta thing really seems to be vital

 

[Carl Landrover]

Thanks for the replies guys!

For the love of god, don't do it man!!

I commend you on being honest with your girlfriend, that seriously took some courage to do what you did. You are very fortunate she is there for you, she sounds like a great person But I can tell you from experience, once you get that second chance you have to hold on to it, because I can all but guarantee you that if the same confrontation goes down again, she won't be so understanding.

Instead of calling your dope boy, call your girl. Tell her whats going on and how, in this moment, you're struggling. Let her be there for you, because when it's all said and done, she will be there for you. The dope won't. I can guarantee you that.

Didn't end up calling him. Well I did, but it was before I posted. I left off that I'd call him back in a few and that was 7.5 hours ago.

I was actually hoping you would weigh in Eon, since I know you went through a lot of similar stuff, so thanks for the reply. She was super stressing over this paper that was due at 11:59 tonight, so I didn't want to bother her, especially since I took up a few hours of her time already today.


I got to get better about calling her when I'm craving though. I had brought up my cravings a while ago, and she freaked out, got all scared and everything, so I felt like I couldn't really talk to her. Plus, she had said she would leave me if I used again, which always kind of bothered me. How much could she love me if I could lose her THAT easily? This whole experience has really helped me see how strong our relationship is.

If we could get over this together...skies the limit! :D

my girlfriend has been so supportive as i went through withdrawals i cry!

hang in there carl. i never injected, you are way over me here, i can't imagine what craving i'd be feeling if ive experienced opiates to that degree. opiates just became too perfect for me.

it's great that you have an understanding girlfriend to help you through whatever happens. whether it be a family member or girlfriend or good friend or whatever, this sorta thing really seems to be vital

I don't want to miscontrue my habit, I've only injected a handful of times. It's just been a recent thing, but as many other BLers have attested, it's the way to go. Definitely glad I never did it too much, I can see how much more of a hook it would have.

Can't imagine how hard it would be to leave a serious IV habit.


Her support and attitude have been the most surprising parts of all this. I can't believe how good she is to me. When my parents found out a few years ago, it was like I had stabbed them in the back. She has taken pity on me. I don't know, still seems weird to me, but I don't want to complain about a good thing.


This seems like the perfect chance to move forward. I don't think I can afford to fail again. You only have to succeed in quitting once though right? Sort of like how you only need to find that one perfect relationship that you never break up from once, right?

 

[qwe]

then there is an unfortunate breakup and you get back onto the smack hehehe just kidding, but there is a point there; dependency on a relationship could have its disadvantages if the relationship goes bitter, or ends

you're right, with the social support you have (well, idk what you mean by your girlfriend "pitying" you, idk what exactly you mean) and with the motivation you currently have, this may be as you say a "big window" of opportunity for getting off the stuff

ahhhh, girlfriends. they can be nuts sometimes (well so can us guys!), but you gotta love em. literally!

 

[SZodiac]

Hope it wworks out for you Carl. No girlfriend, wife, etc. could ever stop me if I got it into my head I was gonna use. That GD "one more time" thing just never is one more time. It's so easy to say "this is it" when you just did a blast! Try it when you're sick and have money. That would be impressive! Anyway sorry to be a bummer and I really hope you can do it.

 

[Carl Landrover]

^
If it was any other girl I've ever met, I would easily agree. And you're 110% right about it easy to talk about quitting WHEN YOU'RE HIGH. That used to drive me nuts! It sounds so easy at the time too. 8)


This is starting to seem like it belongs more in SLR, but the hardest thing now (for me) at least is that I can't stand to hear her talk about it. Once the subject comes up I feel so ashamed I can barely look at her. Which really sucks cause I like looking at her.

She's adamant she doesn't want to end it, but I don't know, I guess we just need time to heal things up? It's hard to be happy around her when I don't feel like I deserve to even be next to her.

then you break up with your girlfriend and go back to the smack hehehe just kidding. though there is a point there, dependency on a relationship could have its disadvantages if the relationship goes bitter for a bit, or ends

you're right, with the social support you have (well, idk about "pitying" you, idk what exactly you mean) and with the motivation you currently have, this may be as you say a "big window" of opportunity for getting off the stuff

ahhhh, girlfriends. they can be nuts sometimes, but you gotta love em. literally!

I mentioned this somewhere else, or maybe in a PM to someone?, but I'm really trying not to just switch addictions and have her become my DOC. I don't want to be dependant on her to feel good, obviously that's not going to become a healthy relationship.


She pities me, as far as I can tell, because of how much I've struggled with this and how hard it must be to get off and stop using. Since she doesn't use drugs, the fact that she said that kind of blew me away. For people who don't use drugs, quitting is usually a matter of 'just stopping'.

 

[JustaChippa]

Hey all first time post long time lurker.

Been 36 hours since my last hit been using for about a year..
I wish I could say I decided to quit but the truth is I ran out of money and have no options. I know I should quit. I get paid on friday night which will be the end of day 3, which from experience is HELL. I don't know how to be strong once I've got some dosh..

Its easy enough (if easy equals no sleep then having to go to work withdrawing from H). As right now I have no choice.. but once I get paid it will be too easy to take the pain away.

Anyone know some good techniques for coping at work when withdrawing.. I'm gonna lose my job at this rate it's pretty obvious somethings up and I don't have the option of sick leave or time off.. I keep using a lot of the time so I can put in a good appearance at work..

How do I not buy anymore... the physical stuff I can deal with more or less I've actually been through worse in my life and been through withdrawal a few times now coz I'm pretty silly. It's the mental shite that gets me everytime.

**edit - this is all cold turkey. Can't go to a clinic as they are all open during work hours + not sure I want to substitute neway

Hey, how'd it go? Did you wind up using when you got paid?

Having to work when in w/d is the worst. I used to have to drag my sorry, sweaty, jumpy, dysphoric self to work at least a couple times a month. Needless to say, I was never at the top of my game on these occasions, but I leaned to fake it OK. Knowing I'd be re-supplied within a short time helped, just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I would take a small bit of benzo to help with the jumpiness but then that would make me incredibly sleepy and even sicker to my stomach than I already was. As far as I know, there is really no easy way to function well in w/d.

It would be great if you were to post that you decided not to use again after getting through the first three days of w/d, but I know how I was, and so I know how unlikely it is that this is the case for you. Until you have the quitting mindset, it probably won't happen.

You'll perhaps grow tired of it eventually.

 

[eon_blue]

^


She's adamant she doesn't want to end it, but I don't know, I guess we just need time to heal things up? It's hard to be happy around her when I don't feel like I deserve to even be next to her.

Dangerous territory my friend...that kind of self-perception will drive you back to use faster than anything else, I promise you.

Personally, I've struggled with that kind of thinking my whole life which is why I feel I fell into addiction so readily, and why heroin was my DOC...it numbed me out to how anxious I was around people and how I thought they perceived me, or how I felt I was measuring up to them.

I'm the kind of person who, if you were to give me a compliment, will automatically negate it. Especially when it was my girlfriend/family/friends doing it.

Add to that an incredible sense of guilt regarding, for instance, all the lying I did when I was an addict, and my ex had one sick puppy for a boyfriend who was in no way capable of being in a healthy relationship. Hence why I think I ended up using again, more or less.

My advice: don't close yourself off. I always told my ex that I would talk through my tough times with her, but then whenever they came up, I would quickly close off with a "oh don't worry, I'm fine" and a fake plastic grin on my face. Force yourself to communicate, and remember that just because she says shes OK with everything, that doesn't mean she isn't scared and wanting some reassurance.

I guess in a nutshell all I'm really saying is talk to her regardless of how uncomfortable you might feel about it, because closing yourself off and holding onto that guilt will either drive you insane or drive you to use again.

Just out of curiosity, and you don't have to answer if you don't want, do you see a therapist?

 

[Carl Landrover]

Just out of curiosity, and you don't have to answer if you don't want, do you see a therapist?

Nah, cost is an issue.

I saw a therapist or counselor or something for a period when I was first using daily back in 2006. I told him about suboxone and buprenorphrine, even wrote out the names for him to check out. He didn't look it up for 2 sessions [2 weeks!] (really went the extra mile there 8) ). We weren't making any progress, so I stopped seeing him.


Kind of just checkin' in here, seein' how y'all are doing.

I wanted to evaluate my progress at 7 days, 10 days, 15 days, and 3 weeks to see if I actually felt better.

I'm almost at 11 full days since I last used anything. Shits been tough with work and finals though. I'm up and down A LOT! 8)



I almost, ALMOST didn't make it today. I called up dope boy. We left off with I'd call him back soon.

I called my girl, she didn't answer. I was waiting until 1:30 and then I was going to call dope boy. I checked my phone 50 times, she hadn't called back. I was close to losing faith in her and with quitting H and with all of it.

At this moment, she knocked on my door. Saved for today. And the sex that proceeded, whoda fuck needs dope if you got that?! :D

 

[Pillthrill]

The bf found out that I was using barbs and OPIATES EVERY day. He is just afraid I would get hooked. Honestly I had been a little worried about my use. ANY excuse just to get the high. I can't even go very long, once things go bad. I'm turning to what is left of the EVIL STUFF of PPT. Stems and crowns and that. Whats the point right? I can't get drugs unless they are scripted and I run out of my month's suply in like 2 weeks. I don't know how to function and deal with life without the pills or razor blades. I would go to harder drugs IF I could find the fucking shit in this POS middle of no where fucking town. I work now, I have SOME money. I guess I'll try to cut back and try not to use around him. I'm sorry my dearest love, being without you is worse than being without the pills, but I just can't seems to cope. High, or dead...

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Gotten back in close contact with an old friend in the last couple days.... found an a really reliable H connect.

I thought I was over this drug (1 yr, almost 4 months clean) but it never really goes away I guess. What's mostly kept me clean this long while was not having a connect (besides ones I was scared of) and for so long knowing me + heroin = homeless jobless junkie. As with all things, the second is erased for me overtime.

But now I keep thinking, I can just do this once and I'll be fine. It's been so long, you deserve to have some fun. But that's bullshit and I know it. But it's still in my head can't fucking get it out.

I was ready to do some last night but meth + heroin has never resulted in good things for me. My friend has been slowly relapsing the last four or so months and I know I need to stay away from her, I don't want to go down this road again but fuck, I have just been so fucking unhappy lately and meth does not do what heroin does.

I know if I got caught using in this house my ass would be kicked to the curb and I'm broke so that's stopping me for now. I feel ridiculous using meth as my secondary drug to keep me away from H.... what kind of fucked up logic is that.

 

[QuasiStoned]

Be careful mia, try to remember the bad times of using heroin. Everytime I get sick from opiate withdrawal I think about how I never want to feel that bad again but then I just jump back onboard a few days later to try and get high again. I'm not using heroin just poppy tea but still I can't seem to break the cycle.

 

[Miss Hollywood]

Also from the 1st page

"Yeah your probally right about the relationship thing, but it does help elevate your mood when your getting laid on a regular basis. I haven't had sex in months...and hell when I did have sex, it wasn't with anybody I wanted to have sex with, they were just my clients.

I haven't had sex with somebody I've wanted to be with or even cared about in a few years. It's really lonley. It makes me feel like there is nobody out there for me.

Which is one of the reasons I started doin heroin in the first place.

I've had a dysfunctional and fucked up relationship with a guy for almost 4 years. He's bi-sexual and is a complete fucking headcase, all we would do is get drunk and do drugs and fist fight and argue all night. He only slept with me like twice a year, he used it as his power over me. He later decided he was gay and wanted guys...so you can only imagine the pain,hurt and denial I went through with that...

Thats when I met Miss. Heroin.

She cured all my pain,self loathing,hatred,and heartbreak.

He wasn't important anymore.

No no...not at all.

Cuz I had this new girlfriend...this "habit" to maintain.

*ring ring ring*

Hello? What the hell do you want Matthew?

(enter obnoxious bullshit here)

"Yeah, well thats a cute story, you should tell it at parties! I don't give a fuck, Like TRUELY. The only thing that matters to me now is dope. See ya."

Click.

And for the first time i really DIDN't GIVE A FUCK.

And it felt good.

Heroin wasn't just an addiction...it was a relationship replacement.

Fucked up eh? "

I can relate to everything you said there, except I'm a guy and like girls. I didn't expressly start out doing dope cause I was lonely looking back, but looking back it didn't help I was alone at the time..

And I stoped giving a fuck about being heartbroken and lonely all the time when i was one dope, like completly forgot about girls, could give a shit about them, even if i wasn';t high buy just sick, getting money to get high, on the way to cop, whatever, I was so consumed with doing heroin I did not give a fuck about anything.. its why I started again after a few weeks clean, also a girl I liked blew me off and wouldn't even be freinds anymore so I figured fuck it.




So misshollywood? umm age/sex/location? we have so much in common.. 26/m/chicago here.. ~

Wow we Do have a lot in common! LOL! I'm 25/female and live in Cleveland,Ohio(unfortunately lol) your from Chicago?thats kool,i've always wanted to go to Chicago!I heard its an awesome city! :D If I was there you wouldnt have to be alone! We could hang out lol I'm constantly lookin for friends I have stuff in common with, I'm the only heroin addict I know around where I live anyways

 

[Carl Landrover]

^
How you been doing lately? I had been noticing your absence.

 

[Roujaxian]

Been using >50mg of oxycodone almost everyday for the past 3 weeks. The last time I had a binge like this I had some decent withdrawals for about 3-4 days. I'm kinda nervous this time about running out...

This time I think i'll definitely not go cold turkey, but I don't want to drop my doses for too long, maybe like 50mg then 40mg then 20mg then a few bumps here and there and then done, any comments about that?