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Heroin/Opioid Thread - Serious Discussion Only

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Im so fucking angry right now. I organised a bunch of meth for someone yesterday and now theyve called it off and the person getting it could possibly already have it so I may be in huuuuge trouble. I havent been this angry in a long time, im going to go get some fits soon and have a shot, thats how angry I am. Im not angry that I cant get the drugs either, im agry coz this person has helped me out so many times and ive fucked them around alot often asking for drugs, they get them then I dont want them anymore and theyre stuck with the drugs therefor losing their own money for it. I feel so bad for this guy, I just hope he hasnt already got the stuff, I feel like a poor piece of shit. If I had my own money then I could just get it myself but I have no money whatsoever, im sick of this shit, I dont want to go back to rehab(but im going to, im on leave atm) fuck im just going to shoot oxy for the next few days and forget about living.

I fuckin hate it when people tell me theyre going to do something and they dont follow through with it :/
 
I lie to my parents, well more specifically my mom. I don't talk to my step dad too much to begin with.

She's become increasingly suspicious and upset about my lifestyle.

I'd really like to tell her what's going on, it's just I can't foresee any kind of favorable outcome. She'd flip out, be upset, set out strict limitations for letting me live in her house....my girl would probably find out, it would fuck up our relationship, I'd become wicked depressed and want to use more....I don't know.

I still feel like a scummy fuck for lying straight to her face. I don't mean to lie, it's not like I want to be in this situation and want to lie. I understand why she'd be worried and why she's suspicious.

Her suspicions and actions make me lie even more though. It's a weird situation. I'm pretty sure we both know I'm lying, but I'm not about to admit everything.


If I can just clean up from here, I can walk away unscathed (knock on wood). I feel like I'm on a thin line lately though...something is going to happen. My parents are going to find out, or I'm going to shoot too strong of bags and OD, or I'm going to get arrested while copping, or my girl is gonna find out....something is going to happen, eventually.


End rant.
 
Carl Landrover said:
I lie to my parents, well more specifically my mom. I don't talk to my step dad too much to begin with.

She's become increasingly suspicious and upset about my lifestyle.

I'd really like to tell her what's going on, it's just I can't foresee any kind of favorable outcome. She'd flip out, be upset, set out strict limitations for letting me live in her house....my girl would probably find out, it would fuck up our relationship, I'd become wicked depressed and want to use more....I don't know.

I still feel like a scummy fuck for lying straight to her face. I don't mean to lie, it's not like I want to be in this situation and want to lie. I understand why she'd be worried and why she's suspicious.

Her suspicions and actions make me lie even more though. It's a weird situation. I'm pretty sure we both know I'm lying, but I'm not about to admit everything.
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That's the thing about addiction, we lie so much and so often that it becomes (at least for me) something I wouldn't even think about doing anymore - I'd just do it.

Even now that I'm clean (again) I find myself lying about stupid shit...the other day my dad smelled cigarette smoke on me and asked me if I had been smoking. Of course the first thing out of my mouth was "no, I was hanging out with a friend who smokes and now I smell like it." He just looked at me like, "yeah...bullshit". My dad has smoked for 30 years and knows when someone else is, lol. But it's that fucking addict behavior, it's like anything that is remotely incriminating towards me I have to try and lie my way out of for some fucked up reason.

Carl Landrover said:
If I can just clean up from here, I can walk away unscathed (knock on wood). I feel like I'm on a thin line lately though...something is going to happen. My parents are going to find out, or I'm going to shoot too strong of bags and OD, or I'm going to get arrested while copping, or my girl is gonna find out....something is going to happen, eventually.
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That's some good insight, I pray you're able to act on it before something like that does happen, and god forbid it's an OD. But as we both know, those kinds of circumstances don't favor anyone no matter how smart or careful you or I think we are.

So have you been shooting all along or did this just start (if you don't mind my asking)?
 
eon_blue said:
So have you been shooting all along or did this just start (if you don't mind my asking)?
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I first tried it a little more than a month ago, only did it 4? different times, so I'm still very new to it, though I don't think I'd like to be more familiar with it. I can see how much more addicting it could be. Can't imagine the WD someone would have if they were shooting and had a heavy habit.


I'm just tired of everything involved in this and I'm exhausted of this cycle.

It basically looks like:

Sudden strong craving -> justification -> relapse- > binge -> depression -> demonize heroin -> 4-14 days without it [on sub these days] -> sudden strong cravings -> justification -> relapse.....


I'm in the depression stage now. :( Woke up around 1:45pm. It's a nice sunny day out. I'm sitting here thinking about shit I got to do and should be doing, but don't have much motivation for getting it done. :\ This weed is making me feel l'il better though and will at least get me to eat something, so could be a lot worse.



How's everything going for you Eon?
 
Carl how old are you? I feel like I can relate in the fact that both our lifestyles seem to be spinning out of control. I am quite versed in the whole craving/remorse lifestyle, repeating the same mistakes over and over again.
 
Turned 23 a little more than 2 months ago. Been using H since I was 19, over 3.5 years ago. Still struggling with the same problems I was then, just in different ways.

I still live at home. I'd have enough rent money for a decent apartment for at least an entire year if I hadn't done dope. If I never started using opiates and never got that DUI, I'd be one rich bitch right now. Well not really rich, but several times as much as I have now. Oy.


The thing is I didn't want to be 23 and still struggling with this shit. Just like I don't want to be 25 or 27 or 30 and still struggling with this. I had very good chances to quit for good at 20, 21, and 22. I hope 23 gives me the same opportunity, but hopefully with a different outcome.
 
I feel yah bro. I am 21 and I am considered like a fuck up by a lot of people. I have a really sweet personality and because of that I get by without total prosecution, but I always feel like everyone is disappointed in me. I too have wasted a shit load of cash and opportunities on this druggy lifestyle. Like I could be fininished school and all that kinda stuff bynow. I suppose having chronic depression didnt help matters any. One thing I realize though is that I choose the lifestyle that I am living right now, i am used to this level of suffering and I sit here, stagnant. So in the same way that I choose to sit here, I can choose tostop doing drugs. I don't feel chained by the drugs, I just feel lke I don't want to quit. I remember when I felt chained to smoking, years back, that whenever I would msoke I would feel guilt and shame and all this other stuff. This seems to be where u are at with your addiction. When I finally did quit smoking, I just did it, and there wasnt any hassle. So too when I finally quit dope, I doubt there will be any hassle. Just a "I am going to stop doing tis now." My point is that I have had the best results with putting anything down by not fussing over it and that I feel not alone when you share your story with me.

Carl Landrover said:
Turned 23 a little more than 2 months ago. Been using H since I was 19, over 3.5 years ago. Still struggling with the same problems I was then, just in different ways.

I still live at home. I'd have enough rent money for a decent apartment for at least an entire year if I hadn't done dope. If I never started using opiates and never got that DUI, I'd be one rich bitch right now. Well not really rich, but several times as much as I have now. Oy.


The thing is I didn't want to be 23 and still struggling with this shit. Just like I don't want to be 25 or 27 or 30 and still struggling with this. I had very good chances to quit for good at 20, 21, and 22. I hope 23 gives me the same opportunity, but hopefully with a different outcome.
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I've been craving dope really bad the past few weeks.

Tried to not take my subs for a few days so i could go cop, but then I got so sick that I just had to take my subs. Plus I had a job interview in the morning,and the fact I was sick and tossing and turning,not able to get a wink of sleep made me take my subs too. Taking a bus when your that sick down the east side isn't exactly what i felt like doing at the time.

QUESTION: Say if I go cop 4 bags on Monday, would it be out of my system by Wednesday? I mean its just a small amount of dope. Doesn't dope leave your system completely in like 36 hours?I dont want to get kicked off my suboxone program and they give me piss tests all the time.
 
i am 5 days sober off of a year and 1/2 obsession with dilaudid...what a fucking disaster..If you havent tried it..dont cuz its the devil
 
Hey everyone,
I usually just read but I just found TDS today and this thread. Wanted to say that everyone's posts are an inspiration, thank you for sharing what you're going through.

As for myself, I have been an IV heroin user for 5 years. I got clean for 5 months using suboxone once before, but relapsed last december and used more than I ever have. Spent the last two months or so switching from the subs back to the tar not really taking either habit seriously. Long story short, I forced myself to quit two days ago, although I am out of suboxones and cannot afford to fill my prescription. This is the first time I've made it through 24+ hours of cold turkey.

I feel good because on suboxones I always felt like I wasn't really clean. I go to a lot of NA meetings and I always said I was on "minus time" because I wasn't actually off opiates. I think I can stick with it this time (dont have a choice, burned all my bridges on the way out). Withdrawals are always a bitch, but I know I'd hate myself even more if I threw away the last two days (an eternity).

Thanks again, good luck to everyone and feel free to PM.
 
Everything went fine at probation, and I wasn't tested...YET. They just made me sign some paperwork and gave me my "A.A. sheet" to get signed every week.Blah! lol from what i've heard 9/10 times they tell you they are gonna "randomly drug test you" but they usually don't, its just a way of scaring you straight.But I'm still not gonna risk it. I am not smoking anymore. I was scared shitless before going to probation.

You are EXTREMELY lucky. I was tested on my first day.
 
Miss Hollywood said:
I've been craving dope really bad the past few weeks.

Tried to not take my subs for a few days so i could go cop, but then I got so sick that I just had to take my subs. Plus I had a job interview in the morning,and the fact I was sick and tossing and turning,not able to get a wink of sleep made me take my subs too. Taking a bus when your that sick down the east side isn't exactly what i felt like doing at the time.

QUESTION: Say if I go cop 4 bags on Monday, would it be out of my system by Wednesday? I mean its just a small amount of dope. Doesn't dope leave your system completely in like 36 hours?I dont want to get kicked off my suboxone program and they give me piss tests all the time.
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We are not here to help you beat a drug test. There are other resources for that.
 
So i went and copped some bags today finally. It was a mission but so worth it cuz its great stuff! :)

My cousin came with me and thank god, cuz it isn't exactly the best neighborhood! My dude even gave me 3 extra bags for makin the trek all the they down there by bus! Shweet deal man!

Hope everybody is having a good Sunday!:)
 
My guy is a junkie and it destroys me to watch him. It literally breaks my heart. He is such a good guy and he is slowly loosing himself :( He keeps telling me that he's gonna quit, and for a while I believed him. I told him how much it bothered me, how much I cared, and how I wish he would just stop but I basically gave up cause I know he doesn't really want to stop and spending all my time worrying about him is making me sick/crazy..I just try to ignore it now :(. Is there anything I could do to help him, maybe make him see people do care, or is it just one of those things he needs to realize on his own and really want to stop? Should I go back to showing my disapproval?..I just don't wanna sound like a whinny bitchy nag, cause I know when my friends get on me about my drug of choice its just damn annoying. When he is on one of his "quitting" kicks he says he really wants to quit but I think that's just part of the lie. Is it better to openly doubt a junkie to try and make them quit out of spite or should I give him as much support and "belief" I can? I'm going to college in the fall and I really don't know what I'm gonna do. Were not technically dating..its an open relationship but neither of us are seeing other people..and if he is still addicted by then should I just end it or would that just spiral it more? All my friends say I should tell someone if he gets worse and I will say something to either his mom or dad if he starts shooting but who knows how that could go. *sighs* What made you guys take that step to quitting?

And sorry I know these posts are generally by people addicted but I don't know who else to turn to. Straight friends can only understand so much and I'm really lost. Any helping advice would be much appreciated. And to all of you struggling out there I feel for you. Keep up the good fight and if you relapse a little, don't hate yourself, were all human and you can always try again. Ive seen people go through d withdrawal...it wasn't a successful experience so I haven't seen the full effects but *shutter* I cant even begin to imagine. Just remember your fight will be worth it in the end..even if it doesn't seem like you will ever be rewarded. You can do it :)
 
^^I'm sorry to hear that man, but the truth of the matter is that nothing you do is going to make him get clean if he doesn't want to.

The absolute best thing you can do for him is to be there for him when he makes the decision to stop using for himself.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to just let it go. Don't "love him to death", as they say in Alanon. I hate those cliche bumper sticker sayings with a passion but there is truth to some of them - letting his actions affect your life isn't fair to you, and might also only serve to enable him to use more.

Best of luck with everything, I've been on both ends of this matter :(
 
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DexysMidnightRuner said:
My guy is a junkie and it destroys me to watch him. It literally breaks my heart. He is such a good guy and he is slowly loosing himself :( He keeps telling me that he's gonna quit, and for a while I believed him. I told him how much it bothered me, how much I cared, and how I wish he would just stop but I basically gave up cause I know he doesn't really want to stop and spending all my time worrying about him is making me sick/crazy..I just try to ignore it now :(. Is there anything I could do to help him, maybe make him see people do care, or is it just one of those things he needs to realize on his own and really want to stop? Should I go back to showing my disapproval?..I just don't wanna sound like a whinny bitchy nag, cause I know when my friends get on me about my drug of choice its just damn annoying. When he is on one of his "quitting" kicks he says he really wants to quit but I think that's just part of the lie. Is it better to openly doubt a junkie to try and make them quit out of spite or should I give him as much support and "belief" I can? I'm going to college in the fall and I really don't know what I'm gonna do. Were not technically dating..its an open relationship but neither of us are seeing other people..and if he is still addicted by then should I just end it or would that just spiral it more? All my friends say I should tell someone if he gets worse and I will say something to either his mom or dad if he starts shooting but who knows how that could go. *sighs* What made you guys take that step to quitting?

And sorry I know these posts are generally by people addicted but I don't know who else to turn to. Straight friends can only understand so much and I'm really lost. Any helping advice would be much appreciated. And to all of you struggling out there I feel for you. Keep up the good fight and if you relapse a little, don't hate yourself, were all human and you can always try again. Ive seen people go through d withdrawal...it wasn't a successful experience so I haven't seen the full effects but *shutter* I cant even begin to imagine. Just remember your fight will be worth it in the end..even if it doesn't seem like you will ever be rewarded. You can do it :)
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I understand that you care about this person a lot but you need to understand some things,and this is comming from a person addicted to heroin...

NUMBER ONE...And this is the most important thing I will say to you and REMEMBER IT....

There is no amount of love in the world that can or will conquer addiction.PERIOD.

And this is the biggest thing the non-addict just doesnt get.No matter how much you tell an addict you care or love them it doesnt change the fact that THEY ARE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY ADDICTED TO A DRUG THAT CONTROLS EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF EVERY SINGLE DAY OF THEIR LIFE.

I'm sorry but when I'm in heroin withdrawl you could beg me on your hands and knees and pledge your love to me for 24 hours straight and since I'm a drug addict my drug WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST.And I would rather die than feel that sickness...you can not even comprehend how sick a person is in heroin withdrawl. It is so bad that some people actually take their own life because it is that agonizing.

2. STOP BEING CO-DEPENDENT ON HIM!!!

Friends and family of addicts actually become victims of an addiction too...they become obsessed and addicted to their loved ones addiction.Sometimes so much to the point they go to extreames like telling the addicts family or even going to the police in their own desperation to try to "help" their friend....

THIS IS A HUGE MISTAKE.IT MAKES THE SITUATION WORSE AND THE ADDICT WILL ACTUALLY PUSH THEMSELVES FURTHER AWAY FROM YOU AND DEEPER INTO THEIR ADDICTION.PLUS GETTING THE POLICE INVOLVED WILL NOT HELP YOUR FRIEND,BUT IT WILL ONLY COMPLICATE THEIR LIFE EVEN WORSE BECAUSE NOW THEY WILL HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD THAT WILL FOLLOW THEM AROUND FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE.

The bottom line is that the ONLY WAY a person will get clean and stay clean is if THEY WANT TO. No amount of love in the world will make this person want to get clean and change their life unless THEY want to do it for themselves.You can not force anybody to get clean,they have to make that decision. All you can do is tell them you love them and hope that one day they decide to get help,but do not enable them.Do not give him money, and as much as you want to be in his life i would highly recommend cutting off communication from him and the only phonecall you should accept from him is if he wants to go to treatment or needs something such as food(but give him FOOD...NO MONEY AT ALL.HE WILL NOT SPEND IT ON FOOD, I CAN PROMISE U THAT.)Because you can not let his addiction become YOUR addiction, do you see?

Anyways, so yeah thats the jist of it. But i think its really nice you care a lot about your friend but like i said above,its something he's gotta work out for himself reguardless of your feelings about it. Good luck.:)

And im sure all my smart fellow bluelighters will say anything that I left out. hehe
 
So the shit kind of hit the fan.

Girl asks me point blank if I've been using and wants me to be honest with her. I told her the truth.

I cried.

She cried.

Previous times she had said that she would end it between us if I had been using, but she just hugged me and told me that we're going to get through this. <3 Tears me up inside just thinking about it.


I don't know how things are going to be between us, but it is nice not holding it in as a secret anymore.

She wants me to get back on suboxone, though I'd only need like 1mg :\ . My doctor actually just took me off his suboxone program since he only has a limit of 100 people and he hasn't prescribed it to me since late 2007. So not sure what I'm going to do about that. No more lying to her though.

I got some cash for selling some textbooks back (over $100). I gave it to her to hold onto. I told her I'd give her half of my paychecks to hold onto.

I can't believe it came to this. :( I hope this is the bottom. At least it would be all up from here though, right? :\ :)
 
^ well it seems that you got a wake up call as to what is really important in your life. And you are at least trying and she will see that. I hope you can stay on track for the sake of your relationship.

The other day I kinda realized how fast I go through my pills. They are gone in like two weeks because I spend EVERY day high until I run out and then I'm fucked because I'll be in SO much pain and have no meds. Buying them online is too expensive and PPT just has way too many side effects unless I feel that I am dying. I don't really FEEL like its out of control or I'm dependent on it in anyway, but as much as I do I wonder...
 
"Oh, and in group today at my suboxone doctor...all these addicts that have become little "couples" always have some "look on the bright side of life" bullshit to say. All I can say to that is...

IT'S EASY TO BE PHILISOPHICAL WHEN YOUR BALLS DEEP IN PUSSY!WE'LL SEE HOW HAPPY YOU ARE IN YOUR SOBRIETY WHEN THE BITCH DUMPS YOU!I'M DOING THIS ALONE, I DON'T HAVE SOMEBODY DICKIN ME DOWN EVERYDAY TO HELP ME FORGET HOW MUCH MY LIFE SUCKS! KISS MY MOTHER FUCKIN ASS!

So easy to be smug when some other cunts life is shite!"

From page one..

I totally feel you on this one, I noticed this when I came to na and thought I'd meet someone too and be happy and stay sober but it went all to hell, got brushed off by 99% of the girls and then this one girl who i really liked and thought liked me ended up not liking me and i haven't been back in a month and will probobly never go back.. and they have the nerve to say its not a place to hook-up.. and theres sooo many couples that met there and some even married with kids.. "we suggest you not hook up with anyone right away, you don't have anything to offer each other for your first year" blach blah.. yeah unless ur hot and a chick then its all good.. pos assholes
 
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