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Heroin/Opioid MEGA-Thread: Junkies check-in here!

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Sorry, older thread but...

boxcut3 said:
Check out Permanent Midnight too. It's a pretty good movie, based on a true story.
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^^Wanted to mention that first I read the book, after finding out that Jerry Stahl(the guy the movie is about) was the writter of many, many HUGE sitcoms, back in the day. Moonlighting, for instance? Here's a guy who's working with a yet to be huge assed star, Bruce Willis, and the whole time he's loaded on heroin!
The most interesting part that I recall is how/why he stopped. The Rodney King riots? Stopped ALL bus transit, and dude couldn't cop. Great movie, better book. IMHO.:D:D
 
My story is the a typical junkie story. I started using opiates after a motorycycle wreak at 16 I was only using prescription at first.. After fourth shoulder surgry I was hanging with an older cuz who I was experimenting using meth with hurting like a bitch he showed me how to make my m/s contins into msirs... then that made me feel so great when he showed me how to bang. I was hooked and it was over with from there.


This went on and escalated out of control for several years and my then g/f future fiancee got hooked with me .. long story short. After being together since middle school all the way through high school we split up after over six years. It got to where we were both so strung out that the only things we had in common were our addiction, and we both just drug each other down. After three rehab attempts and about the fourth time that I kicked in jail with guards who laughed when I had a seizure I decided never again .. I do not get high that often any more and never more than a couple day beinge... Smack took every thing from me that I hold dear except my life. And after several o.d.s I really didnt care if I had that any more..



I cant say life is that much better off of dope than on it. I am clean but misrable I lost my job, place to live , car, motorcycles , most personal effects of value, alot of friends, and soon my freedom. I am still dealing with the after effects of my addiction and will be for the rest of my life. While high on a dope run I had a motorcycle wreak and broke over 20 bones after being hit by a car and dragged on the interstate for several hundred feet . Even though technically not my fault if it were not for me being high and on a run I would not have been in that position. I mean there is a wonderful feeling waking up not panicked about where my next fix is going to come from. But after about four years of chasing dope every single day its a hard adjustment living without that monkey on my back . At least I can say I am not still at that point of wanting to get up close and personal with a .45 any more. So I will see where things progress from here. I think the hardest part is the way i did people that loved me the most. making amends is going to be hard but needs to be done
 
drug_wench.... Congrats on the engagement!! i couldnt help but think awwwww. thats amazing...and im sure getting proposed to caused your body to release PLENTY of endorphins! haha...now if i could only figure out how to get someone to propose to me everyday id be set. ha

ok so im posting bc i very rarely having cravings...but today has been bad. I think I realized today that I am more addicted to the idea of taking opiates in PILL form than anything else. I was at the pharmacy filling my Fentanyl patch script and some woman in front of me had just picked up her script for percs ( i may or may not have not have been eavesdropping (sp)). As soo as she got the back in her hand, she ripped it open, and popped at least 5 pills...a solid handful. It was just the strangest thing for me to see that...bc that literally WAS me. I immediately started having trouble breathing, i got hot, and generally excited/ nervous. I was way more turned on watching this girl pop her percs than i was by the fact that i was about to get 15 Fentanyl patches. I just thought it was strange bc if I wanted to abuse these patches...i could in a second... but i really have no desire. BUt hand me a bottle of pills...and wow its a different fucking story.

just had to share that
 
Hendrix and Jigsaw- Its a rough road isn't it? Recovery and "just having a normal life again" sounds so great and promising when your at that desperate "grasping at straws" bottom point of addiction. And then when you actually start to GET CLEAN, you realize it's not so easy and its harder than you could ever imagine. You have the fantasy in your head, "I'll get off drugs, get a good job,new friends,a bf/gf,my family will like me again and everything will just be GREAT!" and then you realize, this isn't happening and this shit fucking SUCKS ASS. :( Then the fantasy of using again starts pretty quickly.

I felt like i had an idenity as a junkie....if that makes any sense. At least I belonged somewhere. Now I just feel lost....and completely isolated from everybody. Even my friends that just drink and smoke weed...they aren't on my level. They just don't get it. And neither do any other sober people I know. I feel VERY VERY VERY alone.

I'm really struggling with my sobriety....BAD.I'm like 5 seconds from relapsing any day now. The only reason I haven't is because I haven't had much money or a way down to the neighborhood I used to score. I don't have any "friends" anymore. And the ones that I did have wouldn't drive me anyways. Not that they care about my well being or anything...because if that was the case they would call me and come over and see me. But they never do. :( fuck them and fuck everything at this point.

I'm just so over being sober. My life is supposed to be getting better,but I've NEVER felt so desperate and alone in all my life. It's sad to say, but I wasn't this depressed even in the worst part of my addiction.

Yeah, and I know for SURE that I have PAWS. But my parents just think I'm full of shit. They just don't get it. They don't know jack shit about addiction. It's so frustrating.

Hang in there guys. I'm hangin by a THREAD. :(
 
Miss Hollywood said:
Hendrix and Jigsaw- Its a rough road isn't it? Recovery and "just having a normal life again" sounds so great and promising when your at that desperate "grasping at straws" bottom point of addiction. And then when you actually start to GET CLEAN, you realize it's not so easy and its harder than you could ever imagine. You have the fantasy in your head, "I'll get off drugs, get a good job,new friends,a bf/gf,my family will like me again and everything will just be GREAT!" and then you realize, this isn't happening and this shit fucking SUCKS ASS. :( Then the fantasy of using again starts pretty quickly.

I felt like i had an idenity as a junkie....if that makes any sense. At least I belonged somewhere. Now I just feel lost....and completely isolated from everybody. Even my friends that just drink and smoke weed...they aren't on my level. They just don't get it. And neither do any other sober people I know. I feel VERY VERY VERY alone.

I'm really struggling with my sobriety....BAD.I'm like 5 seconds from relapsing any day now. The only reason I haven't is because I haven't had much money or a way down to the neighborhood I used to score. I don't have any "friends" anymore. And the ones that I did have wouldn't drive me anyways. Not that they care about my well being or anything...because if that was the case they would call me and come over and see me. But they never do. :( fuck them and fuck everything at this point.

I'm just so over being sober. My life is supposed to be getting better,but I've NEVER felt so desperate and alone in all my life. It's sad to say, but I wasn't this depressed even in the worst part of my addiction.

Yeah, and I know for SURE that I have PAWS. But my parents just think I'm full of shit. They just don't get it. They don't know jack shit about addiction. It's so frustrating.

Hang in there guys. I'm hangin by a THREAD. :(
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Yeah its a vicious cycle. I was trying to explain to somebody today that as hellish as W/Ds are, the memory of that suffering fades quickly but the memories of being high and all never fades. It just gets stronger the longer you stay clean, and its so easy to start idolizing that lifestyle.

You said in another thread you had more of a life when you were a junkie, so you thought. I felt that way when I first got clean, I made some really cool friends using and had a lot of great times but it cost me so much... still I am just so fond of everything. The good and the bad, it sucks that I can't even call it nostalgia its straight up fondness of the times when I used to get high all day. I never think of the bad shit until I notice my thoughts spiraling out of control and have to remind myself how stupid it wouold be to go and use again.

Even though I've lost a lot, I could lose so much more and I am finally starting to feel better... making some sober friends, reconnecting with some people I neglected while I was using, starting to be a little more productive. I actually felt good today, I had energy for once which is super rare so I took the opportunity to have a productive day. Went to all my classes, cleaned my room, hung with some friends smoked a little pot and enjoyed it immensely. But I still think about dope all the time, I dream about it, I wake up thinking about it, or the recent breakup with my ex. Anyway I like TDS, it has helped me alot in my recovery and my many relapses and falls. I love the people here, seeing complete strangers interacting with such care and concern for one another realy touches my heart. And the fac that I can just come in here and take a load off in a rambling post like this one just talk about how I feel and chances are theres a few other people on feeling the same way or feeling worse or just there to help. So many wise and wonderfully strong people that i aspire to be like on here (drug wench, a few of the other regulars especially come to mind, the people who are here all the time with great advice for staying clean). I try to stay away from the other bluelight forums cause they are tempting especially OD and shit, but TDS is nothing but <3<3<3
 
Miss Hollywood said:
Hendrix and Jigsaw- Its a rough road isn't it? Recovery and "just having a normal life again" sounds so great and promising when your at that desperate "grasping at straws" bottom point of addiction. And then when you actually start to GET CLEAN, you realize it's not so easy and its harder than you could ever imagine. You have the fantasy in your head, "I'll get off drugs, get a good job,new friends,a bf/gf,my family will like me again and everything will just be GREAT!" and then you realize, this isn't happening and this shit fucking SUCKS ASS. :( Then the fantasy of using again starts pretty quickly.

I felt like i had an idenity as a junkie....if that makes any sense. At least I belonged somewhere. Now I just feel lost....and completely isolated from everybody. Even my friends that just drink and smoke weed...they aren't on my level. They just don't get it. And neither do any other sober people I know. I feel VERY VERY VERY alone.

I'm really struggling with my sobriety....BAD.I'm like 5 seconds from relapsing any day now. The only reason I haven't is because I haven't had much money or a way down to the neighborhood I used to score. I don't have any "friends" anymore. And the ones that I did have wouldn't drive me anyways. Not that they care about my well being or anything...because if that was the case they would call me and come over and see me. But they never do. :( fuck them and fuck everything at this point.

I'm just so over being sober. My life is supposed to be getting better,but I've NEVER felt so desperate and alone in all my life. It's sad to say, but I wasn't this depressed even in the worst part of my addiction.

Yeah, and I know for SURE that I have PAWS. But my parents just think I'm full of shit. They just don't get it. They don't know jack shit about addiction. It's so frustrating.

Hang in there guys. I'm hangin by a THREAD. :(
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misshollywood... i dont know what else to say except that i completely know where you are coming from. i have been there and thankfully, i didnt relapse. i forget who said it..but relapse starts wayyy before you actually give in and use. it starts with feelings and thoughts...and it seems like thats where you are at. i was never a big fan of NA or AA...but honestly, if you are at the point where you are hanging on by a thread...then you might want to consider it. we tend to remember only the good things about using..and forget all of the bad things that come along with it. i think the key is to NOT glorify your past using, and instead to remember all of the things it ruined and how deep in shit you are because of it. as far as all of your friends disappearing...that is really hard. they are obviously not your real friends, and at a time like this, its a terrible realization. i honestly wish the very best for you and if you EVER need to talk or need to vent...i am here. im still at greenlighter status, so i cant do PM's...but if you actually do want someone to talk to...post back and i will give you my screen name. i just dont want to post it here if you are going to think "this bitch is crazy. no i dont want to talk to her!" haha.

but seriously, hang in there... its tough, but its worth it. ive been there and luckily i kept myself from falling off the wagon. im here if you ever need anything...and im sure plenty others who post in the DS would do the same.

take care and honestly let me know if you would like to chat privately for some support.,..bc without support, its a very quick downward spiral.

xo
 
first of all - thanks to those who wished paul and i well
we plan to marry on horseback at the end of the yr and we hav matching sterling silver rings with crosses on them with tiny amethyst crystals in the centre

and thank u for ur words, jigsaw - the fact u see my words as inspiring inspires me to continue on as i am
i hope u can do the same
i admire u for staying clean even tho it is not being easy for u - i frankly admit i cud not do it without methadone at this point in my life

secondly id like to address something us mods hav bn talking over seriously - we r looking into re-naming these threads to make it more obvious wat theyre about but for now, so u know, can we stick to the topic of problems with opioids and give advice/support, rather than talking about stuff that frankly belongs in DC like 'movies about dope' etc?
in future these posts will b removed as some vulnerable ppl may feel compelled to watch them and b triggered

miss hollywood - i am not a fan of NA/AA either but i agree that if ur hanging on by a thread thats wat theyre there for
u cud also look at going to a rehab (maybe a cheap/free one run by a church or the salvation army - if ur desperate, even if u hate religion, u will do anything to get clean
also, reread wat i said about hobbies - the other thing about finding a hobby is that u can meet other ppl who r into the same thing as u but clean
that is also the advantage of 12-step programs

if u do get involved with NA/AA, take from it wat u want to take from it - dont do as they tell u to do
if u want a sponsor, pick one that suits ur needs
and u dont hav to work the steps just cos others r
those r my main pieces of advice as an ex-12-stepper
it was soured for me cos i jumped into it too fast and got a fanatical sponsor who saw me as not clean cos i was using prescription amphetamines (for ADHD) and benzos (for epilepsy) as prescribed
it was no coincidence i relapsed then - i dont blame NA, but i certainly think i thought 'wat the hell, im not clean anyway, might as well hit the gd shit again'

evryone hav a safe easter, look after urselves - and greenlighters remember that while u may not b able to PM others offering their guidance, mods can communicate with u - u can PM me and i will always PM u back
sometimes its gd to hav someone to talk to without the world wide web being able to read wat ur saying - thats wen the PM system comes in handy
fear not, i dont go round gossiping - i want to help

mia, my guess is that u r so stressed by the other things going on for u atm, wat with ur other addiction and other problems i wont mention in case ur not comfortable me mentioning them, that that is why u r starting to think about heroin
IMO i dont see u as 'already relapsed' but diffrent ppl look at things diffrent ways so im not arguing with whoever said that - but id b cautious and look after urself
stay away from anyone who uses dope and remember how awful it was going thru the withdrawal, hanging out and wat u had to do to get it
that goes for anyone having opiate cravings
 
Though I think TDS is honestly one of the best maintained subforums on BL, I'm all for a little cleaning up. You make a good point - sometimes the discussion in this thread and others definitely strays to Other Drugs / Drug Culture subjects that could tempt the many many people struggling to recover, stay clean, get clean, whatever the case may be.

I certainly avoid those two subforums when I am clean because I certainly don't need EXTRA temptation beyond what I already feel.
 
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