Heroin/Opioid MEGA-Thread: Junkies check-in here!

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sometimes i want the warm embrace of opiates...but i know she doesnt hold me for long...she pushes me out into the cold when she is done with me.

9 days to 1yr clean and sober....anxiety still rises up in me, i still get down...but i know she wont solve anything and only make it worse in the end.

stay cool people.
 
*Sigh*

After a couple of months of PPT abuse, I can safely say it's starting to take it's toll. The high is becoming more shallow, and the withdrawals are actually seeming to get worse every time. I'm not an idiot, I realize that I can't sip the tea everyday so I regularly take breaks but I feel like I'm losing my mind every time.

Today I'm in mild withdrawal, I feel irritable, extremely cold (winter is just starting here and I've been freezing my ass off the entire time while in WD), tired of the yawning and eye tearing. Oh sure, it's manageable, but how much longer can I keep doing this?

Sometimes I'm really scared. I know that PPT has an extreme duration, and sometimes I really binge for a couple of days. It's been months (about 3) and I often wonder how long it would take me to taper down to nothing, or how long CT would last. I quit CT back in the beginning of my PPT use (after half a month) and it was hell on earth for like 6 days.

I guess what makes this all so crappy is that I am in a lot of physical pain, which was why I turned to opiates in the first place. What a bad idea.
 
dope dreams

I've been clean since June 08' and I don't take subs even though I have a script because right now If I do I actually get high off them a little... and as you'd expect its a much shittier high than a pure opiate would be.

Even though I haven't used in several months, I still have dreams about three nights a week about using dope, or copping dope and hiding it from my parents or something along those lines. It's driving me crazy and then when I wake up I end up thinking of ways I could possibly get dope and use it without my rents finding out and stuff.. This sucks..
 
^well done on staying clean! those dope dreams r really normal - i still dream of using fairly regularly
for me, i wake up in a cold sweat, sometimes even with my fist embedded in the crook of my arm ffs, terrified that ive gone and 'done it again'
apparently those dreams do die down the longer uve bn clean - hav done for me to some extent but ive only bn totally clean for a yr, and ive noticed a pattern for me now - i only dream about drugs wen im stressed or theres something triggering me, these days
ive bn pretty stressed lately and sleeping very lightly, therefore dreaming more wen i do sleep, and more vividly
normally my 'druggie dreams' wud b about meth but these days it seems to b opiates
btw depone - wen ur a yr clean, u hav to let evryone know that day and ill make a virtual cake for u! <3
 
hey dee dubs.

its the 31/10...ill be in NZ for it so ill see if i can get near a pc for it....ill be in omarama fly fishing...

check this out...detox or die, docu about a guys journey...he is detoxing off ibogain as im watching...he made a docu a while ago and in that docu he starts using smack again...its an intense story...glasgow of all places, reminds me of when i was there using.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2mhcyU6Ttg
 
wow fuck ibogaine get to a meeting bro! fuck sake.

in other news im in a weird sleep cycle...i think its the pre birthday nerves...
 
yea i saw that documentary on telly - put me off ibogaine for life! it was ages ago tho, and i thought it was methadone not smack (maybe id better check out the link - but im sure the one i watched was called 'detox or die')
pre-birthday nerves r normal - i was all over the place wen mine came up....ur a strong guy, depone, ull get thru it!
hope u enjoy NZ!
 
i'm 100% convinced that, after taking opiates multiple times daily for 6 years without missing more than a hand-full of days, my brain chemistry is permanetly changed (for the worse) in a way that prevents me from ever breaking free of the shackles of opiate dependence. i have come to accept that i am going to be a slave for the rest of my life, that being preferable to the alternative: endless natural disphoria inevitably leading to a long walk off a tall building (parachute sold seperately).
 
I completely agree with the poster above me, I DO NOT ever want to be off opiates since I found how badly alcohol is and how it destroyed my life since my Dad got me started drinking when I was 17 and I was unwillingly sober for a while, then got chronic ulcerative colitis. That's when I realized how beautiful morphine is after surgery and would do it all over again if I fucking only could.

Right now however I want to just fucking blow my brains out because of the fucking toilet economy and worst of all, I made the dumbest mistake of my life a little over two years ago when I switched from suboxone to methadone, I thought methadone would get me high and get my life back. BULLSHIT, after two months of being on the crap the high stopped, no matter how much I increased my dose I felt my life slipping sadly away again. Slowly over the past year about, I have started to just shut down, lose all interest in all hobbies, am planning the perfect suicide the will not fail if I can't find a real drug source.

I just want to get a gun and risk robbing the pharmacy I'm so desperate to get off fucking methadone, this shit is driving me crazy and its not even an opiate, its a lame opioid that doesn't even compare to the high I used to get on vicodin even. All I want to do right now is fucking get Heroin and get so high and get off the fucking liquid handcuffs, I feel like I can't do shit and I fucking fucked my life now. I wound up on 250 lousy milligrams of this crap with no hope of getting high, plus I have no, absolutely not a pot to fucking piss in, just take homes to trade for real drugs with nobody to know to trade for.

I advise anyone out there who thinks they can get a legal high off methadone, DONT DO IT, you will be fucked like me and stuck with a tolerance so damn bad, that the only way I can get off this shit now is go down 10mg a week until I start getting mental discomfort around 130mg, drop to 120 which is the threshold of starting to go to the bathroom alot and stay there a while until I stabilize. Fucking war on drugs shut down the online rops so that even sucks, otherwise I would get some vicodin to get through getting back down off this crap methadone so I could get high again and live again.

I just dont give a fuck about anything right now and its pathetic, I even am on 20mg valium two times a day for my rage and anger and that doesn't help much anymore, damn I think I should just call my psychiatrist and demand to get on xanax, a stronger benzo is what I might need I think.

I think that might work because I remember way back when I first started on methadone crap and was feeling good, I started taking 5 valium at once to get a good buzz going and wound up running out of a months worth of valium in a week and a day. I forgot about benzo wd's and just went on taking my methadone everyday, strangely I felt fine for a week or two, but a week and a half before my next valium could be refilled, I got the same shitty feeling I have right now, saw the doctor at the clinic and we came to the conclusion I'm in valium wd's. He sternly warned me never to do that again and I was lucky he gave me a script to get me through till my next refill, suddenly I was myself again.

I dont know what the fuck is wrong but I just feel so depressed and dont give a flying fuck about life that I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again right now. I just sleep most the day and eat supper and go to bed at 8pm, next day same old fucking shit, different day, I'm so sick of wasting my life driving to a fucking clinic everyday when its a waste of money and time. Fuck I wish I could see a police raid on the way home or soon and all the police leave after its over with and I sneak over there and find a huge 10 pound bale of pure Heroin, I could take it and rush to my car with my heart about to explode with adrenaline as I rush home with it. Tell the clinic to go to hell and I would have enough H to last me at least a year or more.
 
^^
Can u get back on suboxone?
H is really not the answer. I was in a similar situation as you. I had horrible nerve pain for no reason. Doctors didn't believe me. Found a dope connection. It took the pain away but after a few months I got addicted and that caused so many problems that I had to quit. Getting high is great but is it more important to you than your life? H will take the pain away but will eventually ruin your life. I found that sub at low doses even takes my nerve pain away completely so I might stay on it for a long time since nothing but opiates helps my pain. Is the high worth throwing your life away?:(
 
Suboxone maintenance is a great idea for people who have a hard time staying sober. Suboxone's regularity of dosing and stability of routine will help you learn how to live a 'sober' lifestyle.

EDIT: Plus, I think it's really important to emphasize that getting sober is a transition. A lot of people think you can just stop using cold turkey but most people can't do that. Getting sober is a gradual process for many people. Personally, I think that going cold turkey puts too much pressure on an addict. I see so many people on here who are devastated when they relapse. Relapsing is not the end of the world. Getting sober is a process, and I think that the pressure to stay 100% clean increases the chances of relapsing.

I find that the longer I am sober for the more I appreciate that state of mind. I am also discovering that I idealize opiates way too much. They really are not that amazing. Every time I relapse I'm kind of disappointed. I expect to have this orgasmic experience (like the first time) but I'm always like "eh." Obviously I am still an addict, even if I use infrequently, but I found that the less pressure I put on myself to stay 100% clean the cleaner I stayed.

The mind is a puzzling entity, that's for sure.
 
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Yes getting high and opiates right now are more important to me than life, because I need to be on them in order to even function, I'm on crappy 250mg of shitty methadone right now and 20mg valium 2x daily and it does hardly anything for me. I do not want to be sober or clean at all in any way in life right now because opiates are the only true miracle antidepressant that helps me feel wonderful.

Suboxone by the way is a scam, the naloxone in that shit DOES get absorbed into your system and I am ultra sensitive to that poison naloxone crap, yet the only reason I felt just kind of sick and little appetite and barely any high when I was on suboxone even at 2mg 2x daily it sucked.

If I could only get cloud nine warm and fuzzy feeling, that opiate glow again that made me feel so energetic and ambitious, I could get more done the rest of this month, than I have this whole crappy year because right now all I do is sleep most of the time because I can't stand life, just doing what I have to just to get through the day is a big chore in itself, doing work around our house is a mountain of hell just to think about doing, yet alone my hobbies, I dont even want to bother with them because I wont be enjoying them while I'm doing them so why waste good time when I could sleep instead and have nice drug dreams sometimes.

I guess what is confusing to people about me on here is, they dont know my situation and health and mental issues which are too difficult to describe for you all to understand. See I've been fucked because I have a body that is a piece of shit and a personality disorder too which I struggled with all my life. What makes that even worse is it is a disaster in the constant to try to score in real life. For example I have such poor social skills and have trouble keeping eye contact with someone because I'm very uncomfortable with someone I dont know, what does that mean? I have the word "sucker" written on my forehead and it seems like everyone sees me coming, that's why very few people talk to me.

Well I do have one person at the clinic that is starting to say hi to me sometimes and we are both on disability, BUT I dont know about him, I dont know him at all, so I dont know how to go about finding someone I can trust. In a nutshell I'm fucked because I am not lucky or have not been lucky enough yet in life to find someone who likes me for who I am and cares about me and is not out to just fuck me over like everyone else in life I mistakenly trusted. I just need one person in my life to show me the ropes of the junkie life and be a good friend I can trust. How many of you here have one good person in your life who you can trust and like the most? like they say, a true friend is almost impossible to find, so once you find that one person, hold onto them for dear life because true friends dont come often in life, at least so far nobody has yet for me and that's what sucks so bad.
 
chicpoena said:
I see so many people on here who are devastated when they relapse. Relapsing is not the end of the world.
i totally agree with this statement - the more u get down on urself about relapsing the more drugs u use, and thats kind of a vicious cycle
to the person who posted above me, i know u say suboxone doesnt agree with u but (i might b wrong here so dont quote me on this) in some countries (possibly urs?) cant u get bupenorphine treatment minus the naloxone?
ud obviously hav to b tapered right down from methadone first but u say u dont want to b on that anymore anyway :\
 
Well this monday I'm walking into the clinic and setting up a time to talk to the doc there in order to go down on methadone. I've asked the clinic about switching to just subutex without that naloxone crap in it, but they wont give me a definate answer, so what does that mean? either way I'm telling the doc just how I feel, if I dont feel better after my experiment today, I will tell him I'm sick of feeling a reverse effect on methadone and just want off it and on subutex. I will say, I dont care how uncomfortable I get when I get below 130mg, but if its unbearable can you or someone prescribe me an opiate without apap in it like oxy or roxy's etc? if he says no, then I'm going to try to work my way into xanax from my psych doc to see if that will help with the methadone wd's.

By the way, today I'm going to do an experiment(damn if only I knew someone I could trade my take homes for oxy etc)I'm saying fuck taking my methadone take home. Its now 10am and I usually dose everyday at the clinic or when at home on weekends at 8 am usually give or take a little. However today I'm just taking my valiums as usual and I'm going to see how I feel and try to get by without having to take the methadone. I was stuck having to do that until 2pm once when I had to travel to my specialist at the best hospital in Illinois I know of, we had to pass right by the clinic, didn't even have time to stop and rush in, dose and leave we were late for my procedure, so long story short the docs there called back and forth to my clinic and got an iv dose for me at 2pm. By then I was feeling chilly, nose running a little and yawning and starting to feel that mental sadness.

It was damn worth the wait though, because obviously my receptors cleared away the old junk enough for plenty of new done to come in enough to get me buzzing pretty good. It kindled like a fire for a good while, then when I got into the operating room to have my simple under anesthesia procedure done I was still feeling good. They gave me 1microgram of fentanyl and I couldn't wait to see what it was like. I felt it ripping the done off my receptors and sudden wd starting, then suddenly the fent took over and I felt even better, damn then I was out like a light and waking up trying to cling to every last bit of buzz left.

So I just am experimenting today to see if I can at least enjoy some glow. I know I'm on too much done so I dont know if I should pour out some of the liquid into my little cup until a little more than half the done is in the cup and drink it and see if I get a better high? or if I should just drink the whole 250mg. I dont know how to measure things, so if I poured out a little more than half my take home into my cup, what dose would be left in the little square bottle that I save and drink the other in the cup.

Oh well, I'll see how today goes
 
Checking in. I'm 22, had been using opiates for a long time but never fell in love with them until last year. Started with oxy, then I did heroin for the first time back in October 07. I dabbled with it at first before finally falling into a 4-6 month period of fairly heavy use which cemented my addiction. Now I'm paying the price and it seems like I will be paying for this year for the rest of my life.

Been out of physical withdrawals for months now but still fighting the good fight against cravings and everything else. My stress levels have been really high over the past few weeks for a variety of reasons and its more of a struggle than ever. I think I need to get a new phone # so nobody can tempt me anymore.

I'm not sober by any means, in fact I have been smoking pot daily for 4-5 years now and I've been ramping up my smoking to help deal with having to delete opiates from my arsenal against all stress/anxiety/depression that I deal with daily. I have stopped drinking alcohol almost completely over the last year and have no intent to start back again. I would like to cut back on pot but it seems like the only solution is to cut it completely out of my life.
 
Went on a 4 day binge this week... I was fine Friday. Saturday the sickness creeped in while I had my girlfreind over. She's convinced I'm coming down with a cold. I ended up under her coat in bed with her trying to keep me warm. She says I'll get better.... She said she has faith... If only she knew the truth. Its a good thing I can make my tears look like smiles. I'll be better in 48 hours physically, but then come the mind games, the psychological aspects. Its getting to be too much or burden. I just can't take it mentally anymore. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.
 
ClubbinGuido said:
Went on a 4 day binge this week... I was fine Friday. Saturday the sickness creeped in while I had my girlfreind over. She's convinced I'm coming down with a cold. I ended up under her coat in bed with her trying to keep me warm. She says I'll get better.... She said she has faith... If only she knew the truth. Its a good thing I can make my tears look like smiles. I'll be better in 48 hours physically, but then come the mind games, the psychological aspects. Its getting to be too much or burden. I just can't take it mentally anymore. I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore.

Seriously dude, I went through this same song and dance with my girlfriend for nearly an entire year. Eventually she found out about my using, my lying to her face and my taking advantage of her and it was absolute misery. I can't even put it into words. We were together for three years and that put an end to our relationship for about 6 months, we've started to see eachother again now but she's still plagued by the thought that she can't fully trust me anymore. And of course, I can't just tell her that everything's fine and OK, because I said that while lying to her face more times than I can count back when I was getting high.

Seriously, if you really like/love this girl then do something about this for yourself and for her before the shit just gets too thick.
 
i dunno if im a junkie but im physically dependent and ive come to love and know poppy well
 
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