Lost Heroin - More Sinister Than I Thought

[throwaway4benzos]

To no one's surprise, heroin is incredibly addictive. It truly is the crème de la crème of antidepressants; it's sedating, cozy, everything we wish our lives could feel like. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this; I suppose I just need to vent to someone. I don't have anyone I can talk about this with in real life, so I'm hoping someone might read this and offer some guidance.

I tried it for the first time six days ago, on February 6th. It was incredibly lackluster at first, probably because I smoked it and had absolutely no idea what I was doing. But the next day brought quite a surprise. I tried it again, this time intranasally. Long story short, 20mg went up my left nostril, and 20 minutes later, it was far from disappointing.

Today, here I am again, deeply depressed and at a strange point in my life. I'm 23; having just graduated college in December, I'm waiting for a job opening to appear. I've been doing absolutely nothing; my human interaction has been minimal, I spend my days inside playing video games and watching television, and I barely talk to my friends. I'm in a rut; we are nothing without routine. I cannot wait to get a full-time job; I know I'll value my free time much more then. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. I'm very lonely; the days crawl by, and I usually just sleep until whenever and wait for the next day to arrive. I know I'll make it through this, but your early 20s are confusing times, that's for sure.

Despite telling myself last night that I wouldn't, I used again today, the sixth day in a row. I had used O-DSMT orally for 2-3 days beforehand, so I'll likely have mild withdrawal symptoms tomorrow. I'm not too worried about that; I'll manage. It's only 8-9 days of use. You reap what you sow, and I knew I was playing with fire.

About an hour ago, I snorted a farewell line before writing this post. Immediately afterward, I flushed the rest of my stash down the toilet. I've never had a substance affect me like this; I've never flushed drugs before. It's surreal just how addictive opioids really are (who could have known!).

I need a plan. I'd like to start going back to the gym to work out and swim. That will be good for me; it'll help pass the time, and the endorphins won't hurt. It will also help me establish some sort of routine again. I just need to overcome my initial anxiety about going there. I'm also going to look for a therapist tomorrow. I cannot talk to my psychiatrist about this or anything going on in my life; I will lose my diazepam prescription.

That's all, everyone. I'm going to enjoy the rest of this high. I hope my experience with this drug changes me for the better rather than the worse. I suppose I'm really the only one who can determine that; my life is in my hands. Tread carefully, my friends, and thank you to anyone who reads this. You are loved.

 

[fairnymph]

Good job catching yourself. I can see why you’re struggling giving everything going on. What are you on the diazepam for?

There’s a book I’m recommending lately to many people that I think could help you: https://www.amazon.com/Pragmatists-Guide-Life-Creating-Questions-ebook/dp/B079LRHPM7

Establishing some routine any routine sounds like it would definitely help you. Are there any activity groups in your area that interest you? Whether for physical activities or game nights or anything that’s real life interaction with people doing things that you enjoy? I find that is a great way to meet people. Also picking up hobbies, ideally creative or otherwise constructive ones where you feel a sense of satisfaction and pride, can be very helpful. Ruts & being in limbo are the worst. But if you have shelter and food and the basics covered then you’re lucky because you have the opportunity to use this time to improve yourself.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

Good job catching yourself. I can see why you’re struggling giving everything going on. What are you on the diazepam for?

There’s a book I’m recommending lately to many people that I think could help you: https://www.amazon.com/Pragmatists-Guide-Life-Creating-Questions-ebook/dp/B079LRHPM7

Establishing some routine any routine sounds like it would definitely help you. Are there any activity groups in your area that interest you? Whether for physical activities or game nights or anything that’s real life interaction with people doing things that you enjoy? I find that is a great way to meet people. Also picking up hobbies, ideally creative or otherwise constructive ones where you feel a sense of satisfaction and pride, can be very helpful. Ruts & being in limbo are the worst. But if you have shelter and food and the basics covered then you’re lucky because you have the opportunity to use this time to improve yourself.

I take diazepam daily for anxiety. I don't have panic attacks, it's mainly for a persistent and ongoing state of worry. It's gotten better though, I could probably stop taking it, but I'd rather not.

I just bought the book you linked; I'll definitely give it a read. I went for a run yesterday and did some light exercise. I'm still trying to get over the fear of going back to the gym. To be honest, nothing really interests me. For the past year, my only hobby has been drugs, I'm sure a lot of people have fallen victim to this.

But as you said, I am grateful to have food, shelter, friends, and family. It could be much worse. For some odd reason, I lied in my original post, I did not flush the rest of my heroin. But, I have not done it since I made this original post. It's been over 24+ hours and the withdrawal symptoms are obviously incredibly mild.

 

[fairnymph]

I take diazepam daily for anxiety. I don't have panic attacks, it's mainly for a persistent and ongoing state of worry. It's gotten better though, I could probably stop taking it, but I'd rather not.

I just bought the book you linked; I'll definitely give it a read. I went for a run yesterday and did some light exercise. I'm still trying to get over the fear of going back to the gym. To be honest, nothing really interests me. For the past year, my only hobby has been drugs, I'm sure a lot of people have fallen victim to this.

But as you said, I am grateful to have food, shelter, friends, and family. It could be much worse. For some odd reason, I lied in my original post, I did not flush the rest of my heroin. But, I have not done it since I made this original post. It's been over 24+ hours and the withdrawal symptoms are obviously incredibly mild.

Diazepam is a great drug and while not ideal to treat persistent anxiety. It’s definitely going to help you ease off the heroin. I don’t think you might consider trying proper antidepressants - the ones most effective for anxiety disorders. I used to struggle with OCD symptoms but Prozac and doing a lot of CBT while on it really helped. I was also depressed at the time and it certainly helped with that too. Lack of interest in anything sounds like depression to me. Problem is it can be difficult to find the right med for you, and a lot of doctors will just prescribe whatever they get the most paid to pimp. So a lot of times you just have to try several to find one that works - I’ve tried most of them.

I can’t wait to hear what you think of the book. Keep exercising because that will definitely help with natural endorphin productions. You don’t need to go to the gym to exercise & it sounds like maybe taking it slow would be better. I.e. get into a good exercise routine and make sure you’re fully off the h before going back to the gym. It can take a few months of a good routine to really start to feel the full benefits.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

Diazepam is a great drug and while not ideal to treat persistent anxiety. It’s definitely going to help you ease off the heroin. I don’t think you might consider trying proper antidepressants - the ones most effective for anxiety disorders. I used to struggle with OCD symptoms but Prozac and doing a lot of CBT while on it really helped. I was also depressed at the time and it certainly helped with that too. Lack of interest in anything sounds like depression to me. Problem is it can be difficult to find the right med for you, and a lot of doctors will just prescribe whatever they get the most paid to pimp. So a lot of times you just have to try several to find one that works - I’ve tried most of them.

I can’t wait to hear what you think of the book. Keep exercising because that will definitely help with natural endorphin productions. You don’t need to go to the gym to exercise & it sounds like maybe taking it slow would be better. I.e. get into a good exercise routine and make sure you’re fully off the h before going back to the gym. It can take a few months of a good routine to really start to feel the full benefits.

It's been about 70 hours since I last did it. I haven't had any thoughts about doing it, and the withdrawals have been minimal. I suppose I just needed someone to talk to. I'm currently looking for a therapist in my area while writing this. Talking to my psychiatrist feels about as useful as talking to a brick wall. I've been on almost every SSRI: Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft, and Celexa, if I remember correctly. I'm definitely depressed, but I’ve done nothing for about two months, so it's expected. Before that, I had school and a part-time job to look forward to. At least the job I’ll most likely be getting just posted (thank you, nepotism), so I’ll start that within a month.

For now, I plan to keep exercising and try to kill time in a non-destructive way. The book arrives on Tuesday, I’ll let you know what I think about it. Maybe I overreacted. I’ve already used every opioid under the sun: oxycodone, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, O-DSMT, methadone, and Suboxone recreationally. I just need a healthier hobby, considering that for the past two years, sporadic recreational drug use has been my only hobby, as I’m sure many of you have fallen victim to as well. Cheers, and have a lovely rest of your day or night.

 

[fairnymph]

It's been about 70 hours since I last did it. I haven't had any thoughts about doing it, and the withdrawals have been minimal. I suppose I just needed someone to talk to. I'm currently looking for a therapist in my area while writing this. Talking to my psychiatrist feels about as useful as talking to a brick wall. I've been on almost every SSRI: Prozac, Lexapro, Zoloft, and Celexa, if I remember correctly. I'm definitely depressed, but I’ve done nothing for about two months, so it's expected. Before that, I had school and a part-time job to look forward to. At least the job I’ll most likely be getting just posted (thank you, nepotism), so I’ll start that within a month.

For now, I plan to keep exercising and try to kill time in a non-destructive way. The book arrives on Tuesday, I’ll let you know what I think about it. Maybe I overreacted. I’ve already used every opioid under the sun: oxycodone, hydrocodone, hydromorphone, O-DSMT, methadone, and Suboxone recreationally. I just need a healthier hobby, considering that for the past two years, sporadic recreational drug use has been my only hobby, as I’m sure many of you have fallen victim to as well. Cheers, and have a lovely rest of your day or night.

That’s great. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot of things but not actually been a real addict. That is possible, you know. I’ve tried a lot of drugs but have never been addicted (excluding physical dependence to drugs used therapeutically, and even in that case, I’m able to go through regular withdrawal just fine). I take it you didn’t respond well to any of the SSRIs you tried? Did you try them all for at least two months? Did they just help or did they have an intolerable side effects? Most psychiatrists are pretty worthless, alas.

Staying busy will definitely help so I’m glad you’ll have a job soon - however you got it! I think a lot of people go through a phase of trying drugs, learning, thinking and talking about them as a hobby. I know I did. It doesn’t mean you’re destined to be a user or addict.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

That’s great. It sounds like you’ve tried a lot of things but not actually been a real addict. That is possible, you know. I’ve tried a lot of drugs but have never been addicted (excluding physical dependence to drugs used therapeutically, and even in that case, I’m able to go through regular withdrawal just fine). I take it you didn’t respond well to any of the SSRIs you tried? Did you try them all for at least two months? Did they just help or did they have an intolerable side effects? Most psychiatrists are pretty worthless, alas.

Staying busy will definitely help so I’m glad you’ll have a job soon - however you got it! I think a lot of people go through a phase of trying drugs, learning, thinking and talking about them as a hobby. I know I did. It doesn’t mean you’re destined to be a user or addict.

Yeah, I’ve really only had a problem with bromazolam in the summer of 2023. It was a few months’ habit, and it wasn’t fun getting off of, but I did it. I’ve learned to take them responsibly for obvious reasons... I’ve basically had an endless supply since then and haven’t had an issue with them (I bought like 500 pressed bars a while back, lol).

No, I didn’t respond well to SSRIs, there was no difference on or off of them. To be honest, I stopped taking my Prozac because it wasn’t doing anything, and I wanted to do some MDMA and MDA, so I thought I might as well make the best of it...? Yeah, I was on them for well over 2 months. I’m 23 and had been on different ones since I was about 17. My psych is basically only there for my Valium and clonidine. He’s a nice guy, but you can’t get much out of a 15-minute bi-weekly appointment. I was doing weekly, but I said forget it and started doing bi-weekly to save a $20 copay, lol. I love that stuff (clonidine), can’t sleep without it. I was NEVER able to sleep normally even before drug use, which started with weed in high school. I’m pretty convinced I can live without the Valium, but oh well, it’s only 4mg, so it’s not doing much anyway. I’d like to say it’s on a low dosage.

I’m mainly bored and just trying to find my way in life, I’m certain I’ll find it. Having a full-time job will help me out. I will certainly value my free time a lot more. I’m kind of going broke right now too, blowing through all of my savings, but oh well.

I made the mistake of telling an IRL friend of mine about me doing heroin. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done it, but as a general note, do not tell anyone about recreational heroin use for obvious reasons... And oh boy, it was blown way out of proportion (for good reasons, I suppose, but still). I think he’s projecting a lot of his problems onto me right now. He’s a full-blown alcoholic who just fell off the wagon a few months ago.

I ended up speaking to his, I don’t know, “interventionist” or something on the phone...? The guy was trying to convince me to go to rehab, IOP, etc. I said no and tried to defend myself. It’s really hard to explain this to anyone; there are too many personal biases about drug use of any kind, especially on here. Anyway, it was blown a bit out of proportion in my opinion. My drug use is a bit sporadic, and I’d like to believe I know myself very well. I’m not running away from demons or anything, I’m just curious and have an odd passion for drugs like most people on this forum. But yeah, I ended up dry snitching on my friend, telling the guy my buddy’s off the wagon (20+ drinks a day and abusing his 30 70mg Vyvanse and 60+ 10-20mg methylphenidate prescriptions. God only knows why any moronic NP would give anyone this amount, especially a recovering alcoholic, but what the heck do I know?). So, yeah, I think my friendship is dead for a little bit. Whatever, time will heal it. It’s complicated...

Well, that’s all for my rant. I love this forum; it’s free therapy. I was looking for therapists earlier, and some sessions are over $200+, even with good insurance. What a scam, and I’m not even being hyperbolic. I got in touch with an old therapist I knew years ago. He’s a nice guy, and it’s only $40. That’s all on my mind. I bought a puzzle earlier today. I’m going to devour some food and try to complete this entire thing afterward. Keep on trucking, my friend. I appreciate you.

 

[fairnymph]

Yeah, I’ve really only had a problem with bromazolam in the summer of 2023. It was a few months’ habit, and it wasn’t fun getting off of, but I did it. I’ve learned to take them responsibly for obvious reasons... I’ve basically had an endless supply since then and haven’t had an issue with them (I bought like 500 pressed bars a while back, lol).

No, I didn’t respond well to SSRIs, there was no difference on or off of them. To be honest, I stopped taking my Prozac because it wasn’t doing anything, and I wanted to do some MDMA and MDA, so I thought I might as well make the best of it...? Yeah, I was on them for well over 2 months. I’m 23 and had been on different ones since I was about 17. My psych is basically only there for my Valium and clonidine. He’s a nice guy, but you can’t get much out of a 15-minute bi-weekly appointment. I was doing weekly, but I said forget it and started doing bi-weekly to save a $20 copay, lol. I love that stuff (clonidine), can’t sleep without it. I was NEVER able to sleep normally even before drug use, which started with weed in high school. I’m pretty convinced I can live without the Valium, but oh well, it’s only 4mg, so it’s not doing much anyway. I’d like to say it’s on a low dosage.

I’m mainly bored and just trying to find my way in life, I’m certain I’ll find it. Having a full-time job will help me out. I will certainly value my free time a lot more. I’m kind of going broke right now too, blowing through all of my savings, but oh well.

I made the mistake of telling an IRL friend of mine about me doing heroin. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done it, but as a general note, do not tell anyone about recreational heroin use for obvious reasons... And oh boy, it was blown way out of proportion (for good reasons, I suppose, but still). I think he’s projecting a lot of his problems onto me right now. He’s a full-blown alcoholic who just fell off the wagon a few months ago.

I ended up speaking to his, I don’t know, “interventionist” or something on the phone...? The guy was trying to convince me to go to rehab, IOP, etc. I said no and tried to defend myself. It’s really hard to explain this to anyone; there are too many personal biases about drug use of any kind, especially on here. Anyway, it was blown a bit out of proportion in my opinion. My drug use is a bit sporadic, and I’d like to believe I know myself very well. I’m not running away from demons or anything, I’m just curious and have an odd passion for drugs like most people on this forum. But yeah, I ended up dry snitching on my friend, telling the guy my buddy’s off the wagon (20+ drinks a day and abusing his 30 70mg Vyvanse and 60+ 10-20mg methylphenidate prescriptions. God only knows why any moronic NP would give anyone this amount, especially a recovering alcoholic, but what the heck do I know?). So, yeah, I think my friendship is dead for a little bit. Whatever, time will heal it. It’s complicated...

Well, that’s all for my rant. I love this forum; it’s free therapy. I was looking for therapists earlier, and some sessions are over $200+, even with good insurance. What a scam, and I’m not even being hyperbolic. I got in touch with an old therapist I knew years ago. He’s a nice guy, and it’s only $40. That’s all on my mind. I bought a puzzle earlier today. I’m going to devour some food and try to complete this entire thing afterward. Keep on trucking, my friend. I appreciate you.

I’ve heard of far worse reasons for being on Valium and that is a low dose. That’s fantastic that clonidine is so helpful for you, but sucks that you had no luck with the SSRIs. You might consider looking into the MAOIs - but I’d try the book and your job first. To have to go through lockdown at your age sounds particularly horrible and depressing.

Oh yeah, a lot of people will immediately consider you a junkie for even thinking about doing a ‘hard drug’ like heroin. I personally kind of get a thrill out of shocking people by telling them about the hard drugs I have used. They never expected because I don’t ‘seem’ like someone who would ‘do things like that’ and I enjoy shattering their expectations and stereotypes. Sounds like you might have done a little bit of that yourself. Heroin is far less damaging than alcohol for sure.

I’m not sure exactly what dry snitching is - well I understand the snitching part but what does the dry mean? It definitely sounds to me like the situation was blown out of proportion and honestly, you remind me a lot of myself when I was in my experimental drug phase - and I turned out well, as have many others I know. You sound like you are pretty self-aware and that alone is a huge boon. You do not sound like someone who needs into immediate intervention. Just some purpose in life and some better people to talk to.

Glad you’re enjoying yourself here! Finding a good therapist is very difficult. Especially as a young man I think, because in general I think men do better with male therapists. I love puzzles btw…good idea to keep you busy and constructive.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

I’ve heard of far worse reasons for being on Valium and that is a low dose. That’s fantastic that clonidine is so helpful for you, but sucks that you had no luck with the SSRIs. You might consider looking into the MAOIs - but I’d try the book and your job first. To have to go through lockdown at your age sounds particularly horrible and depressing.

Oh yeah, a lot of people will immediately consider you a junkie for even thinking about doing a ‘hard drug’ like heroin. I personally kind of get a thrill out of shocking people by telling them about the hard drugs I have used. They never expected because I don’t ‘seem’ like someone who would ‘do things like that’ and I enjoy shattering their expectations and stereotypes. Sounds like you might have done a little bit of that yourself. Heroin is far less damaging than alcohol for sure.

I’m not sure exactly what dry snitching is - well I understand the snitching part but what does the dry mean? It definitely sounds to me like the situation was blown out of proportion and honestly, you remind me a lot of myself when I was in my experimental drug phase - and I turned out well, as have many others I know. You sound like you are pretty self-aware and that alone is a huge boon. You do not sound like someone who needs into immediate intervention. Just some purpose in life and some better people to talk to.

Glad you’re enjoying yourself here! Finding a good therapist is very difficult. Especially as a young man I think, because in general I think men do better with male therapists. I love puzzles btw…good idea to keep you busy and constructive.

I appreciate it. Clonidine is fantastic, and I'll think about MAOIs, but as you said, I'd like to see what else works before hopping on a new medication. By "lockdown," I presume you mean COVID? I can't remember much about it; I was pretty stoned back then. But, I do remember it having an impact on me, though it's whatever.

Precisely, it's a "hard" drug, but so is practically everything else. I feel like I approached it quite well. I sent it to Kykeon Analytics in Spain to make sure there were no dangerous adulterants in there, and voilà, it turned out to be just heroin. Plus, I tested it numerous times with any test strip you can imagine. I don't know, I got bored of it pretty fast, just like everything else. The only thing that really stands out to me is MDA and MDMA. In my opinion, empathogens are the pinnacle of drugs, but that's just me. I still have like another month or something before I can roll again, though. I'd like to save the experience for something truly special. I'm not too worried; I'm more focused on finding connection right now.

Perhaps I am just arrogant, but I don't believe I'm in any danger. Again, I think I'm very self-aware. Oh, dry snitching is when you accidentally snitch on someone. The interventionist, or whatever the hell he was, was a family friend or something. I tried to deflect to defend myself (quite literally impossible with some people, everyone is very opinionated on all of this stuff. I’m not sure why everyone thinks it always has to end in tragedy, like being a hopeless user or dependent, etc., but it's whatever). He was trying to compare me to himself when he was like 30 years younger. But anyway, I said something like, "Listen, I admit I'm just some weird drug nerd whose only hobby right now is drugs, but I wholeheartedly believe I don't have a problem whatsoever." So I basically said, my friend is the one who really needs help, and I brought up him drinking 20+ drinks per day and abusing prescription stimulants. The guy said, "Wait, he is drinking again?" I just presumed his parents or he knew since he's close with his family, and it's been 2+ months already. So yeah, I told my buddy, "Yo, heads up, I might have mentioned you drinking again, etc." He freaked out and basically told me to fuck off. He started projecting that I need a bunch of help, some of this and some of that, and brought up my heroin use. He's hard to reason with; I'm his only friend who can actually get something out of him. He truly does need help, he will be dead in 10 years if he keeps this up. I was very proud of him for being 6-7+ months sober from alcohol, and I still am, but we are different people. He lacks self-control, I've seen it before on countless occasions. He is trying to drink the pain away, run away from something, or whatever it may be. I figured people can change, but I suppose he's not ready yet. No idea why I wrote all of this. I suppose it's free therapy? I just wanted someone to vent to who doesn't have an agenda. I appreciate my friend for looking out, but he went a little overboard with all of this, getting me in contact with this guy, making me talk to him, trying to convince me I need to go to rehab, telling me my life is over and I'll never be able to hold a job if I keep this up, etc. (I really don't mess with chems that much; it's more of a one-and-done thing with most things. Honest to God, there's no reason for me to lie on here or even in person.)

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. This 1,000+ piece puzzle is calling my name. Take it easy, my random internet therapist/friend.

 

[fairnymph]

I appreciate it. Clonidine is fantastic, and I'll think about MAOIs, but as you said, I'd like to see what else works before hopping on a new medication. By "lockdown," I presume you mean COVID? I can't remember much about it; I was pretty stoned back then. But, I do remember it having an impact on me, though it's whatever.

Precisely, it's a "hard" drug, but so is practically everything else. I feel like I approached it quite well. I sent it to Kykeon Analytics in Spain to make sure there were no dangerous adulterants in there, and voilà, it turned out to be just heroin. Plus, I tested it numerous times with any test strip you can imagine. I don't know, I got bored of it pretty fast, just like everything else. The only thing that really stands out to me is MDA and MDMA. In my opinion, empathogens are the pinnacle of drugs, but that's just me. I still have like another month or something before I can roll again, though. I'd like to save the experience for something truly special. I'm not too worried; I'm more focused on finding connection right now.

Perhaps I am just arrogant, but I don't believe I'm in any danger. Again, I think I'm very self-aware. Oh, dry snitching is when you accidentally snitch on someone. The interventionist, or whatever the hell he was, was a family friend or something. I tried to deflect to defend myself (quite literally impossible with some people, everyone is very opinionated on all of this stuff. I’m not sure why everyone thinks it always has to end in tragedy, like being a hopeless user or dependent, etc., but it's whatever). He was trying to compare me to himself when he was like 30 years younger. But anyway, I said something like, "Listen, I admit I'm just some weird drug nerd whose only hobby right now is drugs, but I wholeheartedly believe I don't have a problem whatsoever." So I basically said, my friend is the one who really needs help, and I brought up him drinking 20+ drinks per day and abusing prescription stimulants. The guy said, "Wait, he is drinking again?" I just presumed his parents or he knew since he's close with his family, and it's been 2+ months already. So yeah, I told my buddy, "Yo, heads up, I might have mentioned you drinking again, etc." He freaked out and basically told me to fuck off. He started projecting that I need a bunch of help, some of this and some of that, and brought up my heroin use. He's hard to reason with; I'm his only friend who can actually get something out of him. He truly does need help, he will be dead in 10 years if he keeps this up. I was very proud of him for being 6-7+ months sober from alcohol, and I still am, but we are different people. He lacks self-control, I've seen it before on countless occasions. He is trying to drink the pain away, run away from something, or whatever it may be. I figured people can change, but I suppose he's not ready yet. No idea why I wrote all of this. I suppose it's free therapy? I just wanted someone to vent to who doesn't have an agenda. I appreciate my friend for looking out, but he went a little overboard with all of this, getting me in contact with this guy, making me talk to him, trying to convince me I need to go to rehab, telling me my life is over and I'll never be able to hold a job if I keep this up, etc. (I really don't mess with chems that much; it's more of a one-and-done thing with most things. Honest to God, there's no reason for me to lie on here or even in person.)

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk. This 1,000+ piece puzzle is calling my name. Take it easy, my random internet therapist/friend.

Yep, I’m meant Convid. That’s not a misspelling by the way I called it that because it was a con.

Unfortunately, I respond really terribly to MDA but I agree that MDMA is the best drug (& I’ve never been found any opioids recreational - I think they’re very overhyped). Until you lose the magic at least. It was also the first drug I ever tried and I’m so glad it was the first drug I did! Definitely save it for special occasions (bonding with people is it’s best use IMO, especially with a new partner) because it’s not uncommon to lose the magic after half a dozen to a dozen uses, though it can very widely and some people never seem to lose the magic - but maybe they never had it to begin with.

Kykeon is great. Very much worth the price. You seem quite in control of yourself and your drug use if you’re able to pay for testing and wait until you try it. You’re gonna be totally fine - you’ll probably be GREAT once you emerge from this depressive episode.

Well, you did nothing wrong since your Alki friend set up that whole intervention attempt in the first. Thanks for explaining dry snitching. I’m not up on all the hip lingo anymore, it seems.

Hope the puzzle is coming along well!

 

[throwaway4benzos]

Yep, I’m meant Convid. That’s not a misspelling by the way I called it that because it was a con.

Unfortunately, I respond really terribly to MDA but I agree that MDMA is the best drug (& I’ve never been found any opioids recreational - I think they’re very overhyped). Until you lose the magic at least. It was also the first drug I ever tried and I’m so glad it was the first drug I did! Definitely save it for special occasions (bonding with people is it’s best use IMO, especially with a new partner) because it’s not uncommon to lose the magic after half a dozen to a dozen uses, though it can very widely and some people never seem to lose the magic - but maybe they never had it to begin with.

Kykeon is great. Very much worth the price. You seem quite in control of yourself and your drug use if you’re able to pay for testing and wait until you try it. You’re gonna be totally fine - you’ll probably be GREAT once you emerge from this depressive episode.

Well, you did nothing wrong since your Alki friend set up that whole intervention attempt in the first. Thanks for explaining dry snitching. I’m not up on all the hip lingo anymore, it seems.

Hope the puzzle is coming along well!

Aha, I do believe it was blown out of proportion, but I'm not too opinionated about it.

I've only tried MDA twice in lower doses (50-70mg), combined with MDMA (100mg+), and I always had a blast. I can see how you might not like it, though. I imagine it could be too psychedelic in higher doses. I never experienced too many visuals, but they were definitely present.

Yeah, I’ve never found opioids to be that recreational either. I will say that moderate amounts can be enjoyable, but it’s definitely playing with fire. Higher doses just left me on the verge of nodding out, and the comedown was unpleasant. I found myself physically cold once they wore off. I also had trouble sleeping on higher doses. It was incredibly dreamy and sedating, but not in a way that helped me fall asleep, if that makes sense. I remember lying there in a trance-like state for at least two hours, trying to fall asleep. It was strange.

The magic has always been there, though I’ve only tried it four times. I’m planning to start taking Prozac again soon, as my OCD is getting a bit out of control. Maybe I’ll find another time to use it, but who knows? I’m not too worried about it. I'd rather focus on fixing my OCD than using it again. Also, I’m going to get my Seroquel back for occasional manic episodes. I can’t remember if it helped, though it certainly didn’t help much with sleep. Maybe it will calm me down at night. If that doesn’t work, I’ll ask for lithium. Mania is fun if it's just the right amount, but it really wore me out a few days ago. I was higher than any stimulant I’ve ever tried. It wasn’t much fun, and I barely got any sleep.

Thank you, by the way. I ended up throwing out most of my drug stash anyway. I had around 20 compounds. I’ve already tried most of them, but I kept a few interesting psychedelics because some will be extinct soon. I believe I did nothing wrong. My friend, along with this interventionist guy he knows, tried to convince me I had a problem. It actually gave me unwanted anxiety. I know they’re trying to help, but those conversations just went in circles. It’s hard to convince someone they’re wrong when they’ve conditioned themselves to a particular mindset and set of beliefs for so long (that drug use doesn’t always have to end in tragedy). Anyway, I explained everything to another friend, and he said my friend was out of line. He believes I know what I’m doing. I’m over it now. I’m going to try sobriety for a while, even though I was mostly a once-in-a-while user. It’s hard to document my use since it was so sporadic, but who knows? Maybe it will do me some good.

Cheers

 

[fairnymph]

Aha, I do believe it was blown out of proportion, but I'm not too opinionated about it.

I've only tried MDA twice in lower doses (50-70mg), combined with MDMA (100mg+), and I always had a blast. I can see how you might not like it, though. I imagine it could be too psychedelic in higher doses. I never experienced too many visuals, but they were definitely present.

Yeah, I’ve never found opioids to be that recreational either. I will say that moderate amounts can be enjoyable, but it’s definitely playing with fire. Higher doses just left me on the verge of nodding out, and the comedown was unpleasant. I found myself physically cold once they wore off. I also had trouble sleeping on higher doses. It was incredibly dreamy and sedating, but not in a way that helped me fall asleep, if that makes sense. I remember lying there in a trance-like state for at least two hours, trying to fall asleep. It was strange.

The magic has always been there, though I’ve only tried it four times. I’m planning to start taking Prozac again soon, as my OCD is getting a bit out of control. Maybe I’ll find another time to use it, but who knows? I’m not too worried about it. I'd rather focus on fixing my OCD than using it again. Also, I’m going to get my Seroquel back for occasional manic episodes. I can’t remember if it helped, though it certainly didn’t help much with sleep. Maybe it will calm me down at night. If that doesn’t work, I’ll ask for lithium. Mania is fun if it's just the right amount, but it really wore me out a few days ago. I was higher than any stimulant I’ve ever tried. It wasn’t much fun, and I barely got any sleep.

Thank you, by the way. I ended up throwing out most of my drug stash anyway. I had around 20 compounds. I’ve already tried most of them, but I kept a few interesting psychedelics because some will be extinct soon. I believe I did nothing wrong. My friend, along with this interventionist guy he knows, tried to convince me I had a problem. It actually gave me unwanted anxiety. I know they’re trying to help, but those conversations just went in circles. It’s hard to convince someone they’re wrong when they’ve conditioned themselves to a particular mindset and set of beliefs for so long (that drug use doesn’t always have to end in tragedy). Anyway, I explained everything to another friend, and he said my friend was out of line. He believes I know what I’m doing. I’m over it now. I’m going to try sobriety for a while, even though I was mostly a once-in-a-while user. It’s hard to document my use since it was so sporadic, but who knows? Maybe it will do me some good.

Cheers

I react very abnormally to MDA even at what should be a sub-recreational dose. I feel extremely overstimulated and both hot and cold at the same time, extremely ill and dysphoric. It’s the only stimulant I found that I react so unusually to.

I didn’t lose the magic until around my 10th time doing pills and then later pure MDMA that was sold as ecstasy. And that’s including the fact that I’m quite sure that my second and third time I had pills that or at least partially MDA and thus had bad experiences on. I only ever took one pill/capsule at a time and several months minimum in between uses. However, I did go on Prozac around the time (also for OCD in facts but now I know it’s a manifestation of my Asperger’s) I lost the magic, so that almost certainly contributed. But the first time I went on it, I was only on it for six months max and even over six months after I went off it I still couldn’t get a pleasurable MDMA experience. Then I went on Prozac max dose for several years. A year after I went off it again, I tried MDMA and had an even worse experience than my authority lacklustre prior experience. I had a heavy body load and a lot of dysphoria. I tried it again during summer 2023 (more than 15 years off any psychiatric meds & since I’d last done it) & I had a decent experience, but the magic was definitely gone - it was over sedating and kinda underwhelming, but at least I didn’t have any negative effects. I think the setting was also suboptimal, though. And all the MDMA I’ve tried except for my second and third time has been pure lab tested.

You definitely did nothing wrong! We have every right to choose what we put in our body and there’s a lot to be learned from careful experimentation with drugs. I don’t regret anything I’ve tried or done. Out of curiosity, what did you have that you think will be extinct soon?

 

[LucidSDreamr]

To no one's surprise, heroin is incredibly addictive. It truly is the crème de la crème of antidepressants; it's sedating, cozy, everything we wish our lives could feel like. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this; I suppose I just need to vent to someone. I don't have anyone I can talk about this with in real life, so I'm hoping someone might read this and offer some guidance.

I tried it for the first time six days ago, on February 6th. It was incredibly lackluster at first, probably because I smoked it and had absolutely no idea what I was doing. But the next day brought quite a surprise. I tried it again, this time intranasally. Long story short, 20mg went up my left nostril, and 20 minutes later, it was far from disappointing.

Today, here I am again, deeply depressed and at a strange point in my life. I'm 23; having just graduated college in December, I'm waiting for a job opening to appear. I've been doing absolutely nothing; my human interaction has been minimal, I spend my days inside playing video games and watching television, and I barely talk to my friends. I'm in a rut; we are nothing without routine. I cannot wait to get a full-time job; I know I'll value my free time much more then. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. I'm very lonely; the days crawl by, and I usually just sleep until whenever and wait for the next day to arrive. I know I'll make it through this, but your early 20s are confusing times, that's for sure.

Despite telling myself last night that I wouldn't, I used again today, the sixth day in a row. I had used O-DSMT orally for 2-3 days beforehand, so I'll likely have mild withdrawal symptoms tomorrow. I'm not too worried about that; I'll manage. It's only 8-9 days of use. You reap what you sow, and I knew I was playing with fire.

About an hour ago, I snorted a farewell line before writing this post. Immediately afterward, I flushed the rest of my stash down the toilet. I've never had a substance affect me like this; I've never flushed drugs before. It's surreal just how addictive opioids really are (who could have known!).

I need a plan. I'd like to start going back to the gym to work out and swim. That will be good for me; it'll help pass the time, and the endorphins won't hurt. It will also help me establish some sort of routine again. I just need to overcome my initial anxiety about going there. I'm also going to look for a therapist tomorrow. I cannot talk to my psychiatrist about this or anything going on in my life; I will lose my diazepam prescription.

That's all, everyone. I'm going to enjoy the rest of this high. I hope my experience with this drug changes me for the better rather than the worse. I suppose I'm really the only one who can determine that; my life is in my hands. Tread carefully, my friends, and thank you to anyone who reads this. You are loved.

I’m sure you already know but I can’t stress how much nobody is exempt from the oblivion opioids cause. You will not dabble successfully; you will succumb to opioids if you ever give them another chance; statistically speaking. You are just another human, no matter your background and intelligence - the statistics are heavily not in your favor.

 

[fairnymph]

I’m sure you already know but I can’t stress how much nobody is exempt from the oblivion opioids cause. You will not dabble successfully; you will succumb to opioids if you ever give them another chance; statistically speaking. You are just another human, no matter your background and intelligence - the statistics are heavily not in your favor.

Some people definitely are - it’s just rare. We have some successful long term dabblers on here who’ve been using for 30+ years.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Some people definitely are - it’s just rare. We have some successful long term dabblers on here who’ve been using for 30+ years.

Are their lives actually better by using 1X per week or whatever? What’s the point? Even if it doesn’t take over their lives is it making it slightly worse or slightly better?

And I wonder if OP is willing to spin the roulette and see whether he is one of the small fraction of ppl that can chip. He’s betting his entire life on this gamble —- is that worth it to feel sedated on a Sunday every week? He already used 6 days in a row so that isn’t a great start

 

[fairnymph]

Are their lives actually better by using 1X per week or whatever? What’s the point? Even if it doesn’t take over their lives is it making it slightly worse or slightly better?

And I wonder if OP is willing to spin the roulette and see whether he is one of the small fraction of ppl that can chip. He’s betting his entire life on this gamble —- is that worth it to feel sedated on a Sunday every week? He already used 6 days in a row so that isn’t a great start

They claim so, yes. They say it doesn’t take over their lives just add some extra fun. Most wouldn’t use more or daily, even if they had an infinite supply. I should really look at their natal charts.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

They claim so, yes. They say it doesn’t take over their lives just add some extra fun. Most wouldn’t use more or daily, even if they had an infinite supply. I should really look at their natal charts.

Ok then I recommend OP see if he’s one of the people that can chip heroin and improve their lives

I’m so far removed from using drugs for “fun” that I probably don’t understand

 

[fairnymph]

Ok then I recommend OP see if he’s one of the people that can chip heroin and improve their lives

I’m so far removed from using drugs for “fun” that I probably don’t understand

I never recommended that. I think it’s great that he’s going sober.

A lot of people use drugs for fun. It’s not really my style, but I can understand it. As long as they’re not hurting others, I don’t see the problem. Social drinking and cigarettes are worse than h once a week.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

I’m sure you already know but I can’t stress how much nobody is exempt from the oblivion opioids cause. You will not dabble successfully; you will succumb to opioids if you ever give them another chance; statistically speaking. You are just another human, no matter your background and intelligence - the statistics are heavily not in your favor.

I know and thank you for stressing it. I never really planned to dabble anyway, I did it just to check it off my list, lol.

 

[throwaway4benzos]

Are their lives actually better by using 1X per week or whatever? What’s the point? Even if it doesn’t take over their lives is it making it slightly worse or slightly better?

And I wonder if OP is willing to spin the roulette and see whether he is one of the small fraction of ppl that can chip. He’s betting his entire life on this gamble —- is that worth it to feel sedated on a Sunday every week? He already used 6 days in a row so that isn’t a great start

I like this, there is no point besides conditioning yourself to use it more and more. I don't believe there is any benefit whatsoever in doing it every now and then besides just getting high. There is minimal introspection to be gained from opioids.

I am not willing to spin the roulette wheel to see if I can chip successfully. However, I was willing to spin the wheel and try it a few times. In my defense, I usually binged drugs when I first tried them, no matter what they were. I was doing a singular line (maybe two, I can't remember) of cocaine for ~1 month on the daily and nothing seemed to happen, all I know is that I had a gram last me nearly a month, lol.

Pandora's box is already open. I'm not worried, I already threw out the heroin. I have no plan on spending $85+ on another gram just to fail a piss test at my job which I will be starting in under a month.