lets start off with a little background; I am 17 years old, still attending highschool, i am very experience in pretty much every field of drug usage; i have been to the ultimate mushroom paradox 7 or so times, lsd 3 times , every pill imaginable, DMT around 8 times, marijuana - daily , and heroin, well.. let me tell you about me and heroin.
so, it is the day before thanksgiving and i am on my third or so month in a row of IV dosing daily , depending on the day, 3 or more times. the way I see it as there are two types of heroin users in this world, first there is a "junky", which is what most people think of when they think "heroin", thanks to Nancy Reagan and the War on Drugs. A junky is someone who will sell their (or steal your) TV for a shot. then there is the second type of heroin addict, me, the functional addict.
If you think junkies have a ferocious hunger for heroin, consider spending every single day pretending not to be a junky. It's incredible work. you see, i am just like you, except there is a big part of my life that noone knows about, a big evil maniacal demon who is constantly calling my name, who makes me day dream about registering a shot. it calls, and i answer, whenever it needs me , no matter when or what im doing i must respond. so ill make up any excuse just to go home, go where im safe, and get my fix. you see i have soo many thoughts in my head but i can't get them out because, well all i can think about is pulling back that plunger and seeing that beautiful, milky red blood squirt so graciously up through the syringe and than watch the beautiful mixture dissapear into the crack of my arm.
There is a problem with this though, i'm only 17, and I'm addicted to heroin, yet, I get good grades, i have a job. But i have no savings account, any penny that doesn't go to the bare neccessities of living, goes to her, heroin. Boy , have I mentioned how it feels to successfully register after a long day at work? to sit back on the couch , turn on the song Heroin - by the Velvet Underground and feel that huge wave of relief come crashing down over me. Its the first thing on my mind when i wake up and it's the last thing i think about before i go to bed. How am I gunna get the money for my fix today, how am i gunna keep this a secret from my parents and friends who are none the wiser, for now.. the track marks are getting bad.. im 17 and now-a-days I'm having troubles hitting a vein for fucksake.. but oh, did I mention the feeling you get? Ohh man.. i am trying so hard to explain it to you , but this fuckiingg keyboard, these fuckin' words, they just can't grasp it, it's impossible to grasp... unless you've been in my shoes, you'll never know what it's like. this monkey on your back that you must hide, i know i have to stop, it's not because I can't afford it, fuck . I'll get the money, but the thing is I just can't imagine a day without it.. everytime I try to run, it calls my name. It has me in its grip ready to crush me , but i won't let it.. I can't let it.
I'll stop.. just not today.. I just don't want to feel the pain, no, not today... because right now, fuck i havn't dosed in a few hours, my hands are getting shakey, im starting to hit the backspace button more than any other key. The pain in my head is starting behind my eyes and will soon encompus the rest of my head, my heart is racing. I would like to write more , but maybe another day , because right now. I need my nighttime does, all this talking about shooting really makes me want to well... shoot. hopefully i don't have to dig around for this one. maybe ill stop tomarrow. maybe
And if you ever wanna talk I got you. Im around your age as well, a year older but ive been in this rut for a long time now, And it is possible to get clean but more so than not you have to move or completley loose contact with all the people you know, eliminate triggers, etc and its terrible at first but it does get better, I was clean for almost 2 months this year and as each day went by after the first 3 weeks I got better and better and actually could enjoy myself in my hobbies. But then I stopped doing what i should have been, I moved back, Talked to the same people, and ended up back to square one, but practice makes perfect right?
