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Help!

doofqueen

doofqueen

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 27, 2002
Messages
9,993
Location
Down Under
Can i have some tips? help? It's not coming out the way i want it to and saying what i want to say....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confusion
Wonderment
Can you be
It?

Daydreaming
Falling
Is this who
You Are?

Jiggsaw pieces
Fit together
Like our lips
Do.

Hearts
Melting
Thoughts inter-lacing
Be real.

Reflections
Of you
In me
In us.

Always.
 
Well, what do you want it to say? It seems to be a heartfelt expression of love. I'd totally swoon if someone wrote that for me.
 
Oh really? it doesnt sound all disjointed?

Well i think i've met my soulmate and i'm 99% sure he thinks the same of me... it is an expression of love i guess but it's too soon to say the L word :p
 
Reflections
Of you
In me
Of us.

does that sound better?

I just want it to be perfect i guess.... sigh... i've fallen so hard....
 
I think it's quite fantastic, honestly. It seems like you're worried over small technical details that are very minute, and not going to be complained about unless he's a poetry impresario or a total douchebag. Give the poem to him. I think he'll like it.:)
 
DQ: As New said, the most important thing for poems about emotions is that they feel genuine and sincere. You've achieved that. You could spend hours or days fiddling around with it until it 'sounds' better but you run the risk of editing out its honesty.
 
up all night said:
the most important thing for poems about emotions is that they feel genuine and sincere. You've achieved that. You could spend hours or days fiddling around with it until it 'sounds' better but you run the risk of editing out its honesty.
Click to expand...
exactly
 
honey thats beautiful.

normally i hate love poems, but that has real emotion in it. excellent diction.

good job! id totally swoon too!
 
doofqueen said:
Oh really? it doesnt sound all disjointed?
Well i think i've met my soulmate and i'm 99% sure he thinks the same of me... it is an expression of love i guess but it's too soon to say the L word :p
Click to expand...
I like your poem doofa. It comes from the heart. I think disjointed sometimes sounds great.
btw- can you please tell me where the 'timeline rule' is for loving someone and telling them? No need to answer- just something to think about.:)
btw- I found this, below on Yahoo- I believe it.:)

What exactly is a soul mate? The one person in all the world, in all your life, who is meant to love you and only you? Who understands you deeply and fully and accepts you for who you are? Who you are destined to be with, if only you can find each other . . . in this lifetime?
 
^^ I believe that too.... now :)

Well i gave it to him unedited (bar by jigsaw spelling mistake) and he loved it. I think he "swooned" =D

Thanks everyone :)
 
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