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Help with problems with girlfriend

j0hn0b

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 1, 2011
Messages
27
Hey everyone, I've been floating around dropping some opinions in here and there but this is my first post looking for some advice. There's a few issues that I have been having with my girlfriend. Basically we have a great time together and get along great BUT (there's always a but) I have had a hard time dealing with our physical/sexual intimacy. This is the first problem. There has been a time when she wants to have sex every day for a 5-6 day stretch, and even a few when we have had sex 2/3 days in a row. But generally, we have sex once a week. Maybe twice if I'm lucky. Making it even more difficult is that she comes sort of extremely fast. I'm talking like 5 minutes sometimes, and then she can't keep going and I feel bad going till I finish and sometimes don't. I know cutting foreplay might help, but when I try to initiate sex sometimes after touching she'll say "not yet" and will make me stop touching her in certain spots and go back to just rubbing her back, or running my fingers up her leg. I usually work at getting her in the mood for a solid hour before we can have sex, and sometimes she'll end up being "too tired". She knows this frustrates me, and we've talked about it and she says it's because she's tired, and sometimes has problems with her back. So to try to resolve this I've massaged her back, tried to help her with some medicine (APAP, Ibuprofen, Naproxen Sodium - all legal OTC stuff), but none of that really helps. It's getting extremely frustrating because I just don't feel like I can keep going with sex being so sporadic or only once a week. Not sure if this is relevant but she has been diagnosed with ADHD and has taken Dextro and Adderall for the symptoms - but this has been steady our whole relationship. We have talked, and she says that she will try harder, etc - but it never leads anywhere and there isn't ever a change.

Sort of going along with this, even when she is here hanging out, I'll be making dinner and and she constantly is playing games on her iPad/iPod. Even after dinner when we are laying together in bed or on the couch watching TV she continues playing. She never has been really a "lovey" type, but this sorta bothers me because it seems to me that she doesn't have interest in just laying with me and talking or watching whatever is on the television. It just makes me feel not very appreciated I guess. On top of that, due to her back pain and being tired she tends to get a bit snappy with me and very short when I ask her whats going on.

Finally, we have both talked about how we want to move in together because I had to move here for a job and am living in a situation I'd consider less than ideal. This is a problem because she lives with her parents, and is afraid to even ask them to stay over at my place a night. Yes, she has never in the 3 months I've lived here stayed a night. I have stayed at her parents place, and we have even stayed out at hotels that I paid for a few times (she lied to her parents about that). But when it goes down to staying here, she doesn't feel comfortable asking and doesn't want to lie.

All this being said - I have talked to her a few times about it and she breaks down and cries because she feels "a ton of pressure trying to be perfect for me" and she doesn't like that I pressure her into asking her mom to stay here. I haven't really ever tried to pressure her or make her feel like that, but it's how she says she feels. I'm not looking for huge immediate improvements. All I would like is acknowledgement of the problems and a plan to get them fixed. She doesn't currently feel comfortable asking her parents to stay here so I wanted to know when she would or what to do. And she says she doesn't know when she will be because she isn't psychic.

It's just really tough to talk to her and ask how things will be fixed because she takes it personally and gets extraordinarily upset because she feels massive amounts of pressure trying to be perfect for me. I guess I don't understand this, but she seems to be putting in almost no effort at all. It makes it hard to bring up to her because when I do it turns into a fight, she says that she'll try, and nothing happens. Rinse, repeat.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out a way to see if this is fixable - the difference in sex average/steady drives, my perception of her disinterest in talking, her irritability, and inability to talk to her family to move our relationship forward so we can at least spend nights together (if we can't do that... how will we live together anytime soon?). I really want to be able to talk to her and explain all this without her feeling so hurt and thinking its all her fault. I want things to improve, but i don't want it at her expense. I don't want guilt sex or her faking things. Thanks for reading this long novel, I can give more details about stuff if need to.
 
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I guess I just don't understand why she would continue to try to stay with me and promise to make things better if she didn't want to be together. Like I don't know why she would ever feel trapped really. Especially because she talks about getting married and some pretty serious plans for the future.

Do you guys have suggestions on maybe trying to talk to her and figuring it out? As of yet I've been afraid to bring up what bothers me because she will bring up stuff first about everything she isn't happy with and I dont want to, or can't keep arguing bc it would just make more fighting. Should I just lay it all out next time i am unhappy?
 
Doesn't look like you two look for the same thing at this point in your lifes.. alot of girls would be more than happy to live with you and suck your cock every day
 
How long have the two of you been together? How old are both of you? She must be young if she has to ask her parents for permission to stay over at your place.

It always takes TWO to tango and her talk needs to have some walk otherwise it's all just bullshit. Her actions always need to match her words. If she isn't doing her part to ensure the health of the relationship then it isn't going to work. You don't have to spend every second together but you both should feel fullfilled with the level and quality of contact when you do spend time together, it doesn't sound like you are feeling fullfilled. If you have addressed this with her and still nothing has changed then she either doesn't care or doesn't truly understand theimpact it is having on the relationship.

I would probably be ready to throw in the towel. She needs to be just as engaged in the relationship as you are. It sounds like she is being quite selfish. I understand there can be things that can decrease libido but if she is having such swings then it might be a good idea to talk to her doctor. If she is having back pain then she should talk to her doctor about that too, he may be able to give some recommendations or get her into therapy (physical or maybe even massage).
 
We are both 24, been together 7/8 months. I feel like it isn't so much a swing as like she always complains that she is too tired, or too sore. I try to help this by massage or some medicine but it's like everyday. Before I moved into my own place we didn't have any problems at all. But now that she comes over there often she doesn't seem to be into it as much.

I've really considered just messing on my phone and ignoring her like she does to me, but I don't want to make more problems. I've tried just sucking it up as to avoid bringing up things again that I know will make her mad or upset and therefore make her feel worse and put more pressure on her in her mind.

Honestly right now a good starting point would be for her to stop playing the fucking games on her phone when I'm making dinner and rubbing her back. It's like I'm paid help - she just pretend I'm not there and all is good. Most of the time I'm doing that and helping her back is because I want her to feel better and would like some sort of physical display of intimacy or sex. And no that isn't everytime i see her either so I'm not only in it for that. I just get so frustrated treating her the way I do and having no return of anything. She knows how frustrated I get with our lack of sex because I make it pretty obvious. But i guess it isn't a big enough deal.

Tonight I'm seeing her again and we will see what happens. She is coming over and I'm making dinner. I'm gonna see how she treats me given that we have a bit of a fight last night. And this weeken coming up I'm going to see if I can get her to finally just ask her mom about staying over. We have spent nights together plenty so I don't see why it would be a big deal. At this point knowing that many of you apparently don't think she really wants to be with me I don't think I have much to lose by being honest and saying what I want and need.
 
We are both 24, been together 7/8 months. I feel like it isn't so much a swing as like she always complains that she is too tired, or too sore. I try to help this by massage or some medicine but it's like everyday. Before I moved into my own place we didn't have any problems at all. But now that she comes over there often she doesn't seem to be into it as much.

Is she complaining when you're having sex on consecutive nights or multiple times a day?


Honestly right now a good starting point would be for her to stop playing the fucking games on her phone when I'm making dinner and rubbing her back. It's like I'm paid help - she just pretend I'm not there and all is good. Most of the time I'm doing that and helping her back is because I want her to feel better and would like some sort of physical display of intimacy or sex. And no that isn't everytime i see her either so I'm not only in it for that. I just get so frustrated treating her the way I do and having no return of anything.

What value are getting from the relationship? What does she do to make you want to keep this relationship going? Those are a couple of important questions. Your place on this earth isn't to be her personal servant. I don't think wanting physical affection or qualty time each time you spent with your partner is an outrageous request. Would you feel better about having sex just a couple times a week if she was giving you attention in other ways (cuddling on the couch....giving YOU a massage...etc etc)??

She knows how frustrated I get with our lack of sex because I make it pretty obvious.

How do you make it obvious? Do you outright tell her?

I'm also confused as to why she won't let you finish after she comes, what happens? Does her vaj close up or something? I can still have sex after an orgasm, I'm not sure why she can't. A lot of other women can still have sex too.

Tonight I'm seeing her again and we will see what happens. She is coming over and I'm making dinner. I'm gonna see how she treats me given that we have a bit of a fight last night. And this weeken coming up I'm going to see if I can get her to finally just ask her mom about staying over. We have spent nights together plenty so I don't see why it would be a big deal. At this point knowing that many of you apparently don't think she really wants to be with me I don't think I have much to lose by being honest and saying what I want and need.

You should always be able to communicate your feelings, even the ones she might not want to hear. Communication and trust are the two most important components to a relationship. Take either piece away and the relationship will cumble to pieces.
 
7 or 8 months is not a very long time. It takes a while for people to really get to know each other. It seems as if the two of you are way too different and to continue with the relationship would probably cause further injury down the road.
 
No she doesn't complain when we have sex more often than usual like a few days in a row. She usually wants to in that situation.

And as bad as I say things are here when there aren't these problems we get along great. When we aren't lying around and there's no possibility or expectation of sex i am happy and content. And we sort of don't really have sex twice a week. It's honestly once on average and a second time is a gift or surprise. What bothers me a lot is never know what will happen. I lay with her and sort of see things going one way and then she says she's too tired an she's sorry - and she hopes she didn't disapoint me. If we had sex twice a week regularly and I didn't have to worry about when the next time would be I would be elated. It's sort of the going from a few days in a row to once a week or once every 10 days or more. I just feel really guilty when I tell her I want more because she sees that as her disappointing me and letting me down and not being good enough. Which in the end makes us not have sex. If I keep my mouth shut sometimes things just get okay and resolve which makes me hesitant.

I just wish we could have quality time with no phone games and be able to just sorta naturally progress into sex and have that twice a week. Obviously more would be great, but at this point I feel like twice is asking for a big change already.

Also, as for why she can't keep going after finishing, she just says it hurts and is too much. And with her telling me to hurry up... Well it's kind of hard to keep going thinking that she is in pain.
 
It sounds like you two are just too different for it to work out. Why waste your time, right now, with someone who is so different from you? Your sex drives obviously don't match. She obviously doesn't make you feel good and happy most of the time. It doesn't seem like you two can be very honest with each other. It's like you both are playing games all the time. It also seems like you are MUCH more into the relationship than she is. Maybe she's not looking for something as serious? I'm not sure exactly but you seem to be expecting two different things from the relationship.

Why don't you look for someone who can make you feel good about yourself? You could have a similar sex drive? You would be much more happy?
 
When I read the part in your post about her finishing in 5 minutes and wanted you done, I couldn't help but think she is faking it to get things over with. Most women can't finish that fast, I realize there are exceptions but that is pretty quick. I'm not sure she's very sexually engaged or interested even. I'm not sure what her agenda is, and maybe she doesn't either, but the long-term prognosis for you two is pretty slim, IMHO. Good Luck with whatever you do!
 
I'm really sorry but it does sound like it's time to end this...with my last ex, in our last couple of months together this is exactly how he acted, and he eventually broke up with me. I also figured he couldn't want to leave me or he wouldn't be sticking around, but he did for a solid 2 or 3 months for some reason...but it just doesn't sound like you guys' relationship is working out anymore :( good luck <3
 
I'm sorry about your situation. About the sexual problems you deserve a partner who is invested enough to care that you are orgasming as well. It might be time to start evaluating whether you like this girl enough to continue on with it especially since you've only been together less than a year. With the parents thing I don't know the situation is there but at 24 she should be able to do what she wants. Hopefully if you want to continue the relationship you can build off of areas where you do connect well or activities that make you both happy and require focus. Keep on the communication and try to keep it on a "My feelings about this are this.", and try to avoid confrontational language, like "you always do" are those things just usually end in fights. It's really difficult to maintain a relationship where sexually you are in differant places. It's possable if you can really open up and talk. From my personal experiance with a partner who was less sexually oriented than I, it was frustrating to be trying so hard to get something that I just thought came naturally. But I suppose some people need to work on it more than others. Both of you should have a happy ending. About the wanting to quit with the sex after she comes I think that is incrediably selfish. I'm sure she could figure something out to where you both are mutually satisfied maybe it means switching up the position so it doesn't bother her back or going into doctor for treatment if it's really that bad. Well hopefully you can either get talking and coming or I would say call it quits and find a girl who appreciates the fact that you are attentive and sexual.
 
I would tend to agree with you guys about her not actually finishing, but she honestly severely limits foreplay because she says if I do too much then she'll finish too quickly and doesn't want that. We have been able to have sex for longer before, and I can kinda tell when she "finishes" most of the time. Do you guys have a solid way that I'd be able to actually tell if she is finishing or just wanting to get it over with? When she just has sex to make me happy, it's like dry and not that great. But when she says she's finishing its extremely wet down there which kind of makes me think that she might just finish that fast. Or doesn't know what it really feels like to come... not sure which.

Anyway things have gotten a bit better. We have a huge argument where I told her it's absolutely ridiculous and pissing me off to no end that her kid sister can stay at her boyfriends and she can't stay with me. Response being - "they're been together longer and my mom is really old fashioned". Ok. Cool.

Basically I can't push it further because it puts more pressure on her she says and makes her less willing to ask and just pretty much makes a huge fight. Honestly outside the sexual problems I would say our relationship is great. It's just that the sex things have really gotten in the way lately because when you don't have sex for a while but spend a lot of time cuddled up, etc... it gets frustrating. I just feel so in-tune with her needs and push myself to meet them and I don't know if she isn't aware of mine or what.

But we're able to go out and have a good time, and we get along and joke really well. I've tried hinting that for my birthday (tomorrow, the 7th) I would like nothing more than to have her be able to stay over this weekend and have a good time in bed tomorrow night. I feel really awkward just saying that and I think it might upset her. But I'd rather have those two things than any present that can be bought. Having increased intimacy would make me happy every day we're still in this relationship, and a present will lose its fun pretty quickly in my opinion. Hopefully I'm not too crazy for that.

I guess in the coming days we will see if things improve sexually after we talked about it, and if she eventually just asks her mom and is able to stay here. If you guys have any advice on how to talk to her about the sexual issues further please, PLEASE let me know (especially if you're able to respond prior to tomorrow, like tonight regarding how to tell her what I REALLY want). I have a hard time saying what I mean delicately sometimes because of my frustration level.
 
I think everyone here has a point but I seriously think her ADHD plays a big part here. My SO has ADHD and he often needs to "play" with his iphone/computer when doing other things. He has to really consciously make an effort not to "fiddle" with other things and pay me undivided attention and he can find this or sustained socialising (when you have to follow social norms) very draining. Remember it's an attentional problem, paying attention to one thing at a time is really difficult and playing on her ipad regardless what's on is typical. This is something you should try not to take too personally.

She also sounds typical in her (lack of) conflict resolution skills and finding conflicting demands extremely stressful. I think you should read this:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/adhds-impact-on-relationships-10-tips-to-help/

"Orlov recalled feeling miserable and unloved in her own marriage. (At the time she and her husband didn’t realize that he had ADHD.) She misinterpreted her husband’s distractibility as a sign that he didn’t love her anymore. But if you would’ve asked him, his feelings for her hadn’t changed. Still, to Orlov his actions — in reality the symptoms — spoke louder than words.

Another common challenge is what Orlov terms “symptom-response-response.” ADHD symptoms alone don’t cause trouble. It’s the symptom plus how the non-ADHD partner responds to the symptoms. For instance, distractibility itself isn’t a problem. How the non-ADHD partner reacts to the distractibility can spark a negative cycle: The ADHD partner doesn’t pay attention to their spouse; the non-ADHD partner feels ignored and responds with anger and frustration; in turn, the ADHD partner responds in kind."

e.g. the more your GF feels you're "picking" on her and making her feel guilty the more extreme her reactions will be in arguments and the more she will withdraw from you physically. I may be wrong, but just putting it out there. Good luck...
 
...and if you want to take the pressure off her but still feel close try masturbating together, that's really intimate but she doesn't need to be "perfect" to meet your needs and you can both still get off. Kiss and make out while you do it... it can be very hot :)
 
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